22. Caden
CHAPTER 22
Caden
Dawn moves across the sky as I step out onto the front porch, almost falling my full length over a loosely tied plastic bag at my feet. I tear it open to find the clothes I lent Millie last week, laundered and neatly folded with a note on top.
Thank you. That bath did the trick. M x
I throw the bag to the side, kicking off my morning routine with a porch coffee as the birds wake up. I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to look at those sweatpants again, knowing they’ve been wrapped around Millie’s perfect ass.
I’ve not seen her since that night, and there’s a part of me that’s begging for that to change.
A big part.
They say the first sign of addiction is denial, and I’ve spent the best part of the last week trying to convince myself that I’m not into Millie. But truthfully, she’s quickly taking over my thoughts. Morning, noon, and night. Ever since I walked in on her lying back on my bed, looking all flustered, tangled up in my bedsheets.
I need my fix.
Need my eyes on her.
And whenever my dick brain steps aside for half a second, I’m caught up in the more serious stuff – worrying about whatever the hell happened to her in the dining room, and what I can do to fix it. Seeing her with that pain behind her eyes nearly brought me to my knees.
This is fucked. I don’t do this – the wanting, and waiting, and wondering.
I’ve had my fair share of women, between situationships back in BC or the more recent one-night stands in Aspen Ridge, but I’ve never caught myself catching feelings. I’ve never been interested in attachments or commitment, so I just don’t go there. The friends with benefits lifestyle has always suited me just fine, even more so when we bypass the being friends part and just take what we need.
But that’s not what this is. I’m fawning over this girl like I care, like there’s something at stake.
I barely know her, yet I find myself wanting to, in every way.
There’s no denying the reality of this.
I’m addicted.
And I want her.
But I’m not sure I’m not what she needs right now.
I’d rather be at the river. I need the space and time to clear my head. I had every intention of packing up and heading out fishing for the day, but Maura intercepted me just as I was getting the truck ready. She has a bad habit of presenting me with to-do lists the length of my forearm whenever I have better plans. I’m not even halfway through today’s selection of tasks and the afternoon is already slipping away.
Blistering heat sears my skin as I throw my axe down for a third blow on the same chunk of wood. I’ve lost my knack today, missed the spot more times than I can count.
You’d think this unseasonably hot June weather would put guests off lighting fires, yet I can’t seem to keep up with the restocks of the log shed. Sweat clings to my white T-shirt, leaving me looking like a perfect contender for the wet tee night at The Ridge.
I pile fresh logs into the back of the golf buggy, ready to cart them round to the cabins at Maura’s request. My hands are full when Doug startles, bounding up from his spot in the shade and darting past me in the direction of the creek.
Fuck .
I’ve been lax with keeping him on his leash out here, he’s so old now that I’ve started doubting his ability to chase after anything, but I might be about to eat my words.
I plant my axe in the chopping block, grabbing the leash off the barrow’s handle, ready to break into a sprint after him .
My heart beats in an uneven rhythm as I scan my eyes over the open yard until they finally land on him.
And her .
Not a wild animal then, but that’s done nothing to ease my heart rate.
Doug spins excitedly in circles, jumping up at Millie’s knees and lapping up all of the attention as she bends at the hips to give him gentle scratches and belly rubs. She’s unintentionally giving me a view that I have done nothing to deserve.
Fuck, she looks good .
Dark high-waisted shorts float around her hips, cinched at her waist where they meet the ruched material of a wraparound bathing suit. Her wet hair is secured in a loose bun, with tousled waves falling in bangs on either side of her face.
It looks like she’s had the afternoon by the river that I was hoping for.
I turn back towards the wood pile, biting down on my knuckle as I try to think of anything that might help clean my mind out right now.
“Caden!” I’d recognize Elodie’s signature Newfoundland intonation anywhere. My mind was so focused on Millie that I hadn’t even noticed she was there.
She’s all long limbs and wild blonde curls, her arms wrapped around Parker’s shoulders as he carries her across the lawn on his back.
Poor guy.
He’s been firmly placed in the friendzone for 3 years, taking the small wins where he can and never once overstepping, just waiting for her to promote him .
It’s honourable really.
“Oh, hey Elodie.” I let Doug’s leash hang in front of me, hoping it provides some sort of distraction from the evidence of my attraction to Millie, which seems to be retreating at an unbearably slow pace. “Parker.” I nod.
I’ve got no interest in looking at another guy when my dick is still half hard.
Elodie hops down from her trusty steed, patting his back before steadying herself against him as she slips her feet back into her Birkenstocks.
“Parker here tells me you were Millie’s knight in shining armour on Friday.”
I can’t tell if she’s presenting it as a question or a statement, and I really don’t want to talk about Millie right now.
I just did what any good person would have done.
I shake my head and pull the axe from the block, hoping she’ll catch the hint that I have shit to do.
“Right, Parker?” She nudges him but doesn’t allow him the time to answer. “Apparently, you stopped her from falling to her death off the canyon edge during the storm and valiantly carried her back to safety.”
“I just said you went after her.” Parker shrugs. “Elodie took that and ran with it, you know how she gets. Sorry, bud.”
“You read way too much romance,” I mutter, lining up a fresh log ready to split.
“Hmmph.” Elodie folds her arms in a huff. “Millie said that too. I’m sick of all of the romance slander. Those books are sent from th?—”
Elodie’s rant continues in the background, but I lose track of the words as my eyes snag on Millie walking towards us with Doug hot on her heels.
Seems I’m not the only one with a little soft spot.
I feel my Adam’s apple bob in my throat, the afternoon heat suddenly suffocating me as I try to maintain my composure and appear unbothered by her presence.
“Hi,” I blurt, pushing both hands into the pockets of my work pants and rocking back and forth on my heels.
“Hi,” Millie responds in kind, holding my eye contact for no more than half a second before directing her attention towards a patch of seemingly interesting grass by her foot.
I can’t think of the right words to say.
I can’t even think of the wrong ones, something I’m usually incredibly good at.
“Jesus,” Parker attempts a whisper, leaning into Elodie, “it’s so much worse than I thought, that man is so far gone.”
I shoot him a glare.
He needs a reminder that people in glass houses really shouldn’t throw stones. I'll happily give it to him at some point, but right now I just need space to breathe.
“I better get back to work.” I pat the side of the golf cart, prompting Doug to clamber up into the front seat and signaling the end of this painful encounter.
“Laters, loser.” Elodie blows me a kiss, falling into a light skip as she heads back in the direction of the staff house. Parker scurries behind with her backpack slung over his shoulder.
I shake my head as they leave.
“Bye, Caden,” Millie smiles softly, “see you around.”
I watch her leave, my eyes follow her as she makes her way across the grassy yard, the gentle sway of her hips keeping me transfixed.
See you around .
That rubs me the wrong way. I crank the golf cart ignition and trundle over the dirt road towards the cabins on a slow rumble.
I have no interest in just seeing Millie around, I need more of her than the occasional stolen glance or passing hello.
I want all of her, the versions of her that nobody else gets to see. But I can’t expect her to give me those parts of herself, when I have nothing to give in return. I’m not made for forevers, I’ve never been the sticking around kind of guy. I’m the one who packs up and leaves before he’s left. No matter how much I want her, that’s who I am deep down. And I’m not interested in hurting Millie with a goodbye.
I don’t know why I’m even walking down this path in my mind.
I’ve always mocked Parker for the whole friends-without-any-of-the-benefits thing, thinking he drew the short straw, but maybe he’s onto something. Maybe it’s the easiest way to hold on to a little bit of what you crave in a person without making promises you can’t keep.
Maybe that’s what I need with Millie.
Maybe that’s what she needs right now.
A friend.
I could spend more time with her, get to hear her infectious laugh every day, watch the way her button nose scrunches up when she’s thinking too hard, and show her all the best spots around the valley .
We don’t have to make a mess with our feelings. I just need to be around her.
Friends.
How hard can it be?
“Doug.” I rouse him from his sleep as we pull up on the verge by the first cabin, ready to decant fresh firewood onto the porch. “I’m going to need your help with this one.”