31. Millie
CHAPTER 31
Millie
“El, I’m dying out here.”
We haven’t had a single day under thirty since the start of July. I wasn’t made for this sort of weather. I was made for tartan scarves, pumpkin spiced lattes and watching raindrops race down the side of bus windows. And as much as I don’t want to wish time away, I’m truly ready for this month to be over.
“How much longer?” I grumble, feeling my thighs rub together at the hem of my shorts and hoping we’re within a few steps of the spot Elodie has mapped out for us.
“Millie, you’re being dramatic. We can still see the parking lot, and you’re not the one carrying an inflatable paddle board on your back.”
She makes a fair point, but I’m not sure she’s ever had to walk like a duck for days because of raw skin between her legs.
I should not have worn these shorts.
A short trudge brings us to a quiet spot on the far side of the lake. I drop my backpack, falling into a heap on the grass as I try to regain the oxygen I lost on the walk over here. Elodie wastes no time unzipping her paddle board and working the foot pump until it looks a little less like a deflated balloon. I don’t know where she finds her energy, but I wish she’d share some of it right about now.
Parker rolls out a picnic blanket, dropping heavy objects on each corner to keep it in place. I size up the distance between my current spot and the icy cold beverages inside the cooler on the far side of the blanket. Crawling, I make my way over and pull out a can of pop, cracking it open with a hiss.
“Nothing could ever cure me quite as fast as one of these.” I hold up the can towards Parker before taking several long glugs and relishing the feeling of quenched thirst.
“I think you’re addicted to that stuff,” he points out, though I have no interest in taking in his criticisms right now.
Dipping my toes into the cool waters, I let the waves lap at my ankles as I take in the mountain views. There’s barely a cloud in the sky, it’s a picture-perfect day.
By the time Elodie has finished blowing up the paddle board, Parker is already halfway across the lake on a blow-up doughnut ring, a beer in his left hand, and a portable speaker in the other. He’s got the right idea – the inflatable rings, I can understand. I’m not so sure about the idea of having to stand up and work your core muscles on this paddle board.
I throw one leg over the front of the board, situating myself cross-legged as Elodie assumes her position behind me on her knees. I’d agreed to come out here this afternoon on the condition that I’d play no part in steering this thing, Elodie would have to do the paddling, and I’d just get to soak up the rays up front. I let my hand rest in the water, creating a gentle ripple as we push off from the lake shore.
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Caden recently.” I don’t miss the slight inflection in Elodie’s tone, she’s looking for gossip, but she’s not going to get any from me.
“Yup.”
“What’s going on there?”
“ Nothing.”
“You guys fucking?” she probes.
“No?!”
“You don’t sound too sure about that one, Mills.”
“I’ve told you before, we’re just friends. He’s just helping me with my bucket list. That’s all.”
“Yeah.” She scoffs. “I once asked Caden to help me carry my groceries from the bus stop to the staff house and he looked at me like I’d just pissed in his cereal. I don’t think he’s doing this because he wants to be your friend.”
“He said so himself. You heard him – we’re just friends.”
“Have you ever stopped to consider that what he’s saying out loud and what he’s thinking inside might be two entirely different things? God, you’re hard work sometimes, Mills.”
I’m starting to think that Elodie brought me out here just to trap me on this floating device and quiz me on things that I don’t have the answers to. I don’t know if Caden is saying one thing and meaning another. I don’t know if his flirting is dead end or if he’s hoping for something more. I don’t do this sort of thing, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to know.
Relief flows over me as we float back in the direction of the shore. I throw my feet into the water with a splash, escaping Elodie and her incessant line of questioning as I wade through the lake weed.
She’s relentless.
I smooth another layer of sunscreen over my face. I’ve been applying double layers daily in the hope that it might help reduce the invasive crop of freckles taking up residence on my cheeks. With all the time I’ve been spending outside, I seem to wake up with even more intricate patterns between the tiny dots, and I don’t like it. Mom’s been telling me they’re a sign of beauty all my life, but I’m still no closer to believing it.
Parker clicks at a gas lighter, setting up his portable BBQ and throwing down burgers on the lattice grill. There’s only three of us here, but he seems to have packed enough meat and cheese to feed a coach full of hungry kids after a field trip.
“Are you judging my cooler supplies over there?” He pushes his sunglasses down his nose and squints his eyes at me.
“What? No!”
“You know you’re a terrible liar, right?” He laughs. “If you’re not saying what you’re thinking, then it’s almost definitely written all over your face.”
“That’s not true!”
“Believe me, you’re an open book, Miss Adams.” He flips a burger, the scent of charred beef wafting in the air. “Just count yourself lucky that Caden’s never learned to read.”
“Yeeeeeeehoooooo!”
I watch from the top of the grassy mound overlooking the lake as Elodie and Parker take turns throwing themselves from a rope swing into the water below. Elodie wraps her legs around either side of the tire, hands clinging to the rope as Parker pulls her back and releases her over the lake. There’s a splash followed by screeches of laughter.
It’s not a steep drop, no more than 10 feet, but it’s enough to put me off going anywhere near the edge.
Parker takes a run and jump, pushing his feet into the inner ring of the tire as he ploughs through the air and shows off with a back flip as he lets go.
I’ve never met two people so childlike, so filled with ease in every moment of their lives. I’m caught off guard by the envy that starts to bubble within me. It’s like I’m watching from the corner of the room, unable to access what they have. I’m always too scared, always holding myself back. I don’t know what it feels like to throw caution to the wind and just go for something.
“Millie! You’ve got to try this!” Elodie treads water as she shouts up to me.
I let her invitation hang there and pull my glasses down over my eyes. I want to be able to do it, but I’m stuck. I’ve just watched them both do it, I know it’s not that far down, but I can’t convince myself to take a single step closer to the edge, let alone on the swing .
Plus, I’m not so sure that the branch is fit to hold any more than 200 pounds, and I’m not eager to test it.
Elodie climbs up the side of the hill, digging her nails into the muddy bank for support. Her natural curls are falling out of her hair tie on either side of her face. I lie back against the warm grass, throwing a hand over my eyes to shield myself from the sun and to avoid her pleading.
“Camilla Adams.” She stands over me, one foot on either side of my hips, dripping water over my midriff. “I command you to get that perfectly round ass of yours in the water, immediately.”
“I’m not going in, I’m scared of heights.” I push up on my elbows. “And if you could stop dripping on me like a wet dog, that would be greatly appreciated.”
“It’s all in your head.” She steps away from me, taking a run towards the swing. “Look, watch!”
I hear the splash as she hits the water, but I’ve already fallen back against the ground. I’ve come so far this summer, but there are still so many moments where anxiety takes the wheel. I know healing isn’t linear, but I can’t help beating myself up when I feel the fear taking control again, standing in the way of the things I want to do and the type of person I want to be.
“Number thirteen.” I sit bolt upright, turning at the sound of Caden’s voice. “Do something that scares you.”
He smirks as he slowly walks towards me, pulling off his T-shirt, leaving him in nothing more than swim shorts and a pair of slides.
“What are you doing here?”
“Got off work early. And just as well I did, looks like someone is being stubborn.” He holds out his hand to me expectantly, pulling me up to my feet as I grab it. “Get up here, we’re crossing this shit off the list.”
I take in his broad chest, the thick muscles of his thighs, the ribbed waistband of his shorts that would be so easy to slide a hand under. Heat rushes to my core as he drags me in closer to him.
“Let’s go.”
“I can’t… I can’t do it.” I shake my head, glancing back over at the swing.
“You can do it, Millie.” He brings his lips to the shell of my ear. “I know you can.”
“But the swing—” I inspect the branch above, “—what if it breaks?”
“Fuck the swing.” He takes my hand in his. “We’ll jump together. Do you trust me?”
“I… I don’t know.” I look back over the lake, my heart thumping beneath my rib cage, Caden’s hand gripping mine against his chest. “I don’t think I can do it.”
“I’ve got you, Millie, you can do this.” He leaves the slightest kiss on my brow, so gentle that I’d have missed it if I wasn’t paying close enough attention. “On the count of three?”
Against my better judgement, I let Caden guide me closer to the edge. My shaky legs barely hold my weight as the voices in my brain implore me to stop, to turn around, and run.
“Ready?”
“No.” I squeeze my eyes shut, taking tiny nauseous steps towards the drop. “This is a terrible idea.”
“One… two… three.” Caden pulls me with him, and when I open my eyes, we’re falling, the mountains blurring in my periphery as we sink into the water below.
I throw my head back with a gasp as we surface.
I did it.
“That’s my girl.” Caden pulls me in against his protective body, spinning me around in the water, as though we’re caught up in a dance that’s just for us. “You did it… And I’m so fucking proud of you.”