33. Caden
CHAPTER 33
Caden
Millie
You up?
Caden
Tell me this isn’t a booty call, Adams?
Millie
No.
You wish.
Caden
If you’re not after my fine ass, then what can I do for you?
Millie
I had a bad dream and I can’t sleep. I feel like a loser, but can you come over?
Shit .
I throw my beer down on the bedside table and search the floor blindly for anything I can find to throw on. These flannel lounge pants and an old T-shirt will have to do.
I dart through the dark hallway and out into the evening, forcing my toes into Bill’s Crocs as I go. I shouldn’t be out this late without a torch and bear spray, but I don’t have time to fuck around.
I’ve got to get to Millie.
I punch in the code for the staff house.
“Incorrect code,” the irritating AI voice spits back at me. “Enter the correct code and then press pound.”
“I’m trying , you dumb fuck.” This house hasn’t been renovated in decades, I don’t know why Maura decided we needed to install some robot in place of a classic lock and key situation.
If we really needed to incorporate fancy tech around here, I could think of a hundred other problems to solve first – like chopping wood so I don’t have to.
I can’t seem to get my fingers to work fast enough, the code errors out twice more before the lock finally clicks.
I pull the door open, almost taking it off its hinges as a shudder reverberates through the first floor of the building.
“Millie!” I call into the darkness. I’m usually more respectful late at night, but I don’t give a fuck how much noise I’m making right now, I just want to make sure she’s okay. “Millie!”
“Shhhh!” The aggressive whisper comes from the dim light of the kitchen. Millie steps into the hallway, marching towards me to scold me. “You can’t come in here shouting like that at this time, you’ll wake the others. ”
“Don’t care.” I step closer to her, tilting her head up towards me. Her eyes are red and bloodshot. “You’ve been crying.”
“No shit, Sherlock.” She laughs, patting at her cheeks. “I’m fine. I just don’t want to be alone right now.”
I follow her into the lounge, slumping down on the couch next to her.
“You don’t look fine, Millie.” I pull her body in next to mine, hoping she’ll find some comfort in it. There’s no resistance as she falls into me. “You don’t have to wear a mask around me, you know?”
“I know.” She shifts, letting her head rest against my shoulder. “It was just a dream, but sometimes they feel so real, you know? It felt like I was right back there.”
I rub her arm, knowing that words won’t take away any of the things she’s going through.
“I think it's the therapy.” She lets out a huff, running her thumb over a loose thread on her shirt. “I’ve done a couple more sessions, and it’s bringing a lot to the surface.”
“How’s it been?” I ask, giving her the chance to talk if she wants to, but hoping she doesn’t think I’m prying into this personal corner of her life.
“Weird!” Millie laughs. “She keeps asking me where I feel things in my body, but I don’t even know what that means. I’m all thoughts and words, but ‘sitting in my body’ feels foreign to me. Plus, there’s so many awkward silences where she expects me to say something – so I’ll just blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind, or whatever I think she wants to hear.”
“I get that – therapy fucking sucks, until you start to realize it’s working.” I cycled through therapists and strategies for months before I saw any sort of change in me, let alone a breakthrough. “I once told a therapist to take her Filofax and shove it up her ass.”
“You didn’t.” Millie’s jaw drops, her tone scalding.
“I did, I’m not proud of it now, but I was just a kid. Maura had to beg her to take me back. In the end, she ended up being one of the best therapists I ever had, but it took me a while to open up. You’ll get there, Mills.”
I’m proud of her for even trying. I know firsthand how easy it would be to walk away, to leave all the broken pieces on the floor for somebody else to clean up.
Choosing to heal so your hurt doesn’t hurt others takes guts.
“I think I’m just so used to putting on the brave face for the outside world, that it’s hard to take that off for this random person sitting across from me with her stupid notepad and pen, scribbling away like her life depends on it.”
“It’s the worst,” I agree. I’m sure there've been some interesting things penned about me on notepads during my time.
“I know it’s good for me.” She sighs. “I know in the long run it’ll help. But it’s hard. And I hate that it’s bringing even more of these memories up for me, making me think about everything and how it’s changed me.”
“I know, baby, I know.”
She jerks back, pushing her palm into my thigh as she glares at me. “Did you just call me baby ?”
I did just call her baby. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Get it together, Caden .
“Uhh, yeah…” I scrape a hand through my messy hair. “I do n’t know where that came from. Don’t overthink it, was just a slip of the tongue.”
“You know I’m already overthinking it.” Her eyes trail down my body. “Um… what the fuck are you wearing?”
I look down, finally taking in the shirt I picked up off the floor. It’s part of the pyjama set Maura bought me two Christmases ago, a cotton T-shirt made up entirely of pictures of Doug, organized in a collage with his name in bold neon lettering across the top.
“I’m not sure I have an explanation for this one.” I shrug. “A certain damsel in distress needed me, I didn’t exactly have time to sift through the wardrobe for my best button down.”
“Thanks for coming, Caden.” She smiles softly, but I can still see remnants of her sadness in her eyes. “Even if it looks like you picked your outfit out of a dumpster… it means a lot.”
“I’m always here, Millie.”
I’d drop everything to be the thing that she needs, to make sure she never feels alone.
She needs a shoulder to cry on? I’ll be it.
If she calls, I’ll come.
I’m starting to realize there isn’t a single thing I wouldn’t do for her.
“The stars are so bright tonight.” She stands up, making her way over to the window. “Stargazing feels a little bit like therapy too. Looking up at them all, scattered across the darkness. You realize you’re just an insignificant speck on a floating rock, somewhere in the vastness of the universe. It makes all of the problems in the world feel a little smaller for a while. ”
I join her, bringing my body firm against her back as she looks out at the night sky. It’s clear, but there’s still a fair amount of light pollution from the lodges. We’d get a better view from the overlook.
If she wants to spend the evening watching the stars, then I’m gonna make sure we do it properly.
“Let’s go, Adams.” I bend at the knees, scooping her up and throwing her over my shoulder like that first time on our hike out at Lake Ingrid. Except this time she’s in frilly satin shorts and my willpower is working overtime to keep my hands where they should be.
“What are you doing?!” she demands.
“I know a better place,” I point out. “Just trust me.”
“Are you kidnapping me?”
“If that’s what you’re into,” I laugh, pulling open the staff house door and stepping out into the cool breeze of the evening.
I drop the tailgate and help Millie climb up into the truck bed. She wastes no time wrapping herself up and falling into the mountain of pillows and comforters I threw in here as we swung past the main house. We’re parked up on an old logging road, about ten minutes east of the lodge. It’s always been my spot to come when something is weighing heavy on my heart, it only seemed right to bring Millie out here after the rough night’s sleep she’s had. The views of the town from here are incredible, but lying back and staring up at the stars beats that by a long shot.
Millie points her index finger up towards the sky, tracing a dot-to-dot line from one star to the next.
“Orion’s belt. I studied the stars in fourth grade for a science project. I’ve been obsessed with the sky ever since.” She yawns. “I love seeing the way it changes. The clouds, the sunsets, the way the moon impacts everything. I can’t believe we get to experience it all for free.”
“It’s pretty special,” I agree.
“When I was a kid, I used to look out the window late at night and whisper secrets to the moon. It felt like my diary, somewhere I could put all of my big thoughts and feelings, without the fear of someone finding them.” She sighs at the memory. “Sometimes, I still find myself doing it now, it’s a silly little habit that’s hard to break.”
“It’s not silly if it helps,” I say. “I love learning all of these little things about you.”
“You do?” She turns to face me, propping herself up on her elbows.
“Yeah, I do.” I keep my eyes trained on the sky. I don’t mention that I feel like I’m saving all of these moments up, obsessing over them like a little boy with a toy train collection, taking care of each one like it’s the most precious thing she’ll ever give me.
Always wanting more.
I take her hand in mine, facing her palm up as I draw tiny shapes across her skin. Her deep breaths turn into sleepy sighs, more drawn out with each breath as she falls into a light sleep .
She turns on to her side, shuffling closer towards me.
I keep drawing those tiny hearts over the line across the centre of her palm, letting them turn into letters and then into words, spelling out the truth that I can’t find the guts to say out loud.