Chapter 14 #2
“I believe the three of us have much more to say to each other, but may I tell you something I only recently realised. This discovery really came to a head in the last hour, but snatches of the truth have been occurring to me since last summer.”
It would not take a genius to know what triggered the reflections, so I did not dwell on it.
“You may proceed,” Miss Bennet said, while Miss Elizabeth seemed torn between a distinct lack of enthusiasm and curiosity.
I took a breath and spoke from the heart for once in my life.
“To my mortification, I learnt something about my character that I do not like, though I hope it is not a permanent shade. I have been a selfish being all my life, in practice, though not in principle. As a child I was taught what was right, but I was not taught to correct my temper. I was given good principles, but left to follow them in pride and conceit. I have been a good master—far better than most men in my circle—but I have not handled my relations with my peers, such as you, well at all. I allowed myself to fall into the trap of thinking well of my own family circle and meanly of the rest of the world. This is not a route to happiness, so I should like to deviate to a better path. I believe we can help each other.”
I looked carefully at Miss Elizabeth, whom most of this was aimed at, and she just stared at me with an intensity that made me squirm like a schoolboy sitting across the desk from the headmaster after a serious infraction (which I deserved).
She finally asked, “What do you expect, Mr Darcy? People’s characters are exposed when they are surprised, and you have shown twice that yours may not be what it ought to be. Am I to conclude that a pretty apology or two should allow you to escape my brown books forever?”
“Not in the least! Not even close! Your rapid forgiveness earlier was a sign of your good nature more than my demonstration of improvement. I expect real trust and faith in my character to require evidence of a change for the better, and enough time and exposure to ensure it is permanent.”
She regarded me peculiarly, and finally said, “If Jane and Mr Bingley make a match, I imagine we will be in each other’s company occasionally, but I do not especially see how that would lead to the type of interaction that might speak to your character.
We will be back to the world of propriety within the hour where real conversations are rare. ”
She had no idea what I was getting at, so I decided it was time to lay my cards on the table and call the hand.
I glanced between the two. Miss Elizabeth appeared confused, whilst Miss Bennet seemed unconcerned about how the relationship between the Bennet family and me proceeded, so long as it did not interfere with her own.
“At the risk of emulating Mr Collins… or Miss Bennet as the case may be—” I began, and was rewarded with a hearty laugh from both sisters—a good sign if ever there was one.
“We need to depart from here soon! Regardless of how careful we are, our absence will be noticed.”
They exchanged sheepish glances, so I continued.
“Before we go, may I just lay my cards on the table, so we all understand what we are about. We will have plenty of time to work through the implications in the days and weeks to come.”
I turned first to Miss Bennet.
“Allow me to reiterate and emphasize that I will do anything you ask, and some things you would not, if I believe them to your benefit. I offer this partially out of gratitude for saving my sister’s life at considerable risk to your own safety and reputation, but more out of respect for the way both of you have acted through the entire ordeal.
You are both women I highly respect, and there are few of those in my life, so I am loath to allow any to escape my circle easily.
Regarding Mr Bingley, I will have a difficult time restraining myself from recommending you in the most glowing terms but will manage.
I will do my best to keep his sisters from poisoning your relationship, but in the end, we all know that he needs to learn to deal with them himself—something he has yet to even attempt.
I will also say that, as per our earlier discussion, we all agree your family has some…
ah… difficulties to overcome. I will help you in any way I can, from chastising your mother if it will do any good, to paying for a governess or school if that would be helpful.
There are few limits to what I am willing to do to repay you, and I humbly beg you might accept it.
Regarding Mrs Bennet, perhaps all I need do is relieve her anxiety about what happens when your father dies to make her easier in her situation, and I would do that without a second thought.
Do not consider this generosity, as protecting your mother and sisters will cost me far less than you risked in rescuing my sister, and you did that without qualms.”
Both sisters were stunned, though whether it was the content or length of the speech affecting them was hard to tell.
“I will take it under advisement,” Miss Bennet replied with iron in her voice, then with a cheeky grin added, “Mr Collins.”
Miss Elizabeth laughed gaily, and I joined her.
I continued, “Should things not work out with Mr Bingley, or even if you simply want… more… you are a friend of the Darcys. Bingley is a good man who lacks nothing but a bit of backbone. That said, if you wish to look for a different sort of man in London, I will see to it. Your choice of husbands has expanded dramatically. I obviously have no opinion about the sort of husband you should have, but I will do my best to assist you to find one that you can properly esteem.”
She appeared ready to object, but I said, “We need not discuss specifics or argue the point right now. Simply know it will be done if you ask it of me. It would be my honour and privilege.”
She studied me a moment, then nodded agreement. “Let us cross that bridge if and when we come to it. For the moment, I am content to see what happens with Mr Bingley, and I make no predictions.”
I nodded, turned to my left, and began the most important part of the discussion.
“Miss Elizabeth, our acquaintance has thus far been hampered by your very reasonable fear of discovery, but I believe I have learnt enough to understand your nature. I would very much like permission to court you with honourable intentions. I hope that when we come to know each other well enough, we will find we meet or exceed our respective goals, including honour, trust, affection, passion, and even, dare I say it, love. I ask leave to call on you, so we may come to know each other, free of the disguise that has hampered our association and learn if we can build a happy future together.”
She stared in shock, and I wondered if I had overplayed my hand. I suspected she had started to like certain aspects of my character, but the very idea of marriage had either never occurred to her, or more likely she discounted it because of the differences in our conditions in life.
A minute or more ticked by as she stared at me in tongue-tied silence until Miss Bennet spoke.
“You now have your lifetime record for silence, Lizzy, so no need to show off. I believe you owe the man an answer.”
That snapped her out of her stupor; she shook her head and seemed at a loss.
She finally asked, “Was that an aspirational statement or proposal, Mr Darcy?”
“The former, though if you interpreted it as the latter, I would consider myself fortunate.”
“You would offer your hand on my whim?” she squeaked in alarm.
“I would, and I am convinced we would do well. I should prefer a more ordinary courtship, but I have been comfortable with the idea we might wed since I left the ballroom. It has always been a possibility, and I would never have agreed to meet were I not willing to accept the consequences.”
She paused, then asked, “Do you have any idea what I am most terrified of, sir?”
That was progress, so I leaned as far forward as I could in my chair to inch closer to her without taking a knee, which would have had a very different interpretation from the same position in Miss Bennet’s direction earlier.
“Tell me.”
“I fear repeating our parents' mistakes. I do not believe my mother was as bright as I am, but she must have been something better than the tired, nervous, mercenary woman she now presents. My father has been teasing her instead of helping her for a quarter century. I want no part of a husband who cannot respect me! You have made very pretty apologies tonight, and I do find you handsome and, in many ways, just the sort of man I should like very much. In some ways the union would be to the advantage of both. By my ease and liveliness, your mind might be softened, and from your judgement and knowledge of the world, I might receive considerable benefit.”
I felt slightly positive until she frowned and continued in a far different tone.
“However, if your character needs amendment as you readily admit, how will I know if you have truly changed or simply behaved better for a few weeks or months? I am quite sceptical about people changing in essentials, but vastly experienced in people pretending to get something they want. Should we make a match, and should you revert, I would be stuck. It is a big risk, based on evidence that is ambiguous at best.”
I took the chance to drop to the floor and take her hand. It was risky, but she did not withdraw hers… at least not immediately.
“I imagine we have a great deal to discuss, and I know I need to make the requisite changes—for yours and my sake, and even my sister’s. I do not ask you to accept me, or to accept the expected character growth which I have only begun. I only ask a chance to prove myself.”
“Yes, but a chance involves being courted. Can you imagine how uncomfortable that will be with my family? Look at how they treat poor Mr Bingley. How do you imagine my mother and sisters will act with Mr Ten Thousand a Year? How uncomfortable will you be when Kitty and Lydia laugh and ridicule us while my father looks on in amusement? I can assure you that Mary’s poor exit from the pianoforte was in no way unusual and they are capable of far worse.
I cannot picture it, but I can assure you it will be mortifying, and if we do not make a match, I will never hear the end of it.
My mother will browbeat me every day for the rest of my miserable life, and my father will egg her on just to enjoy his sport. ”
I wanted to give both Mr Bennet and Mr Collins a piece of my mind, and at least one of them would hear me out within the hour, but her father was a problem for another day. For the moment, I just needed to rescue my suit.
“All that I accept. If you find it too tiresome, we could court in London. I suppose I should also mention that many of my own relatives will not be at all sanguine, and I doubt Mrs Bennet can best my aunt, Lady Catherine, in a bad manners contest; nor will my uncle, the Earl of Matlock, best your father in indolence or sarcasm.”
She smiled, which gave me heart.
“Is there a chance you can one day love me with all your heart? Any chance at all?” I asked nervously.
She remained silent for quite some time, and finally swallowed and nodded.
“That is all I ask—a chance to earn your love.”
“You cannot assert you love me?” she asked in some alarm.
“I cannot say—not yet. I am vastly attracted to you, I respect you, and I hold a great deal of infatuation for you. I believe I can love you with a fierceness that will frighten both of us, but love requires two. Any love with only one participant is simply infatuation run amok. I do not imagine either of us would suffer unrequited love over a bad match. I believe that both of our natures will lean towards mutual love or indifference, though I obviously prefer the former.”
She blushed furiously.
“I think indifference toward you is not likely,” she said shyly. “You are the first man I ever met where I can imagine loving you if I allow myself to do so.”
I released a relieved breath. In the corner of my eye, Miss Bennet did the same.
“Let us see—we have time. We have been here too long. For the nonce, all I ask is a chance for the next conversation.”
“You are welcome to that,” she said, offering a heartbreakingly endearing smile.
We both understood we were embarking on something special and frightening. Time and affection would tell whether we crashed on the rocks or continued around the next bend in the river.