Chapter 4
Ryan
A certain numbness had overcome me. I wasn't aware that I'd left the room until now. Strong hands bore into my arm, a curled bicep was wrapped around my neck. It wasn't tight enough to choke me, but enough to cut through the distortion of voices and rein me back to the present, though I stumbled a bit at the threshold. After resolving that someone wasn't trying to haul me off to my death, but it was my thickheaded best friends, instead, trying to shut me up, I pushed back and fought myself out of their hold before getting ready to square up.
"Ryan, stop it. Let's go." Matt warned me with a look.
Whatever, I could take him. But he looked away from me and I followed his gaze to Lily's stormy eyes. Disgust, anger, hurt, it was all there in the hardened gaze she challenged me with, the tears falling down her cheek, the slight vibration of her body, the redness of her skin and the flare of her nostrils.
Oh, no. I had fucked up.
Sickness wrapped me up in its creepy little fingers and shame sucker punched me as I deserved. My fists dropped like lead by my side and I regretted every last drop of alcohol that was poisoning my blood and brain. Stupid brain! Stupid mouth! Stupid, stupid, stupid!
With the haze cleared from my eyes, I looked from Mrs. Thornbread to Lily who stood as a guard between me and the fragile woman I was only capable of seeing as a wraith from hell. What had I done? My tongue was heavy in my mouth, but I forced myself to speak because it had to be said.
"Mrs. Thornbread..." I gasped. "I'm..." I gestured before reaching Lily in two long steps. "I'm so sorry." I reached for her. "I don't know what I was..."
"No." She gulped and met my gaze.
That's when the tears started to gather again and I wanted to choke myself out because I was the one that put them there.
"No!" She slapped my hands away from her and shook her head. "Get out. Please. Somebody, get him out of here." Her voice fell apart and she hurried away from me to fall at her mother's side.
"Lily..." I started.
"You heard her. Get the fuck out." Ethan's voice shook the room. Eric grabbed me by the neck of my shirt and hauled me out.
Lily couldn't bear to look at me. Fuck. I was a fucking loser. What kind of man...
"What the hell were you thinking?" Matt slapped me across the face, hard. The fight in me was gone, so I just took it. I deserved it.
"I-I...I don't know." I swiped a trembling hand across my mouth, pulling down the skin of my jaw in the process.
"Look at you, man. You're a fucking mess." Matt gasped, examining me from head to toe. "You need to get your shit together."
Hissing, Ethan grabbed me by the neck of my shirt, yet again and pulled me sideways toward one of the empty rooms before throwing me inside and shutting the door. The force with which I was thrown had me crashing into the ground. I hollered. Yet again, I deserved it.
"You hurt her," Ethan ground out.
Eric scowled at me and his eyes were red with tears. For our friendship? For Lily? Both? "I'm throwing out all the fucking alcohol in this house."
Ethan flashed a look at Eric. "You won't touch my wine cellar," he argued.
"Who gives a fuck about your wine? Look at him?!" Eric pointed. All three of them regarded me as if I was a soiled stiff rag that had been walked all over and shit on in the streets. I folded in on myself.
"I'm not wasting perfectly good wine because this fucking idiot doesn't know how to control himself," Ethan roared.
"Not control myself? I killed someone," I found the strength to speak.
"Will you shut the fuck up?!" Ethan marched toward me. "Is that what you wanted to do? Have a big old confession in front of everyone?!" He lowered his voice. "Land us all in it? Because in case you've forgotten, we've all killed someone."
Matt stepped forward and pulled Ethan away. "Enough. We all know the reason why we're not losing it the way Ryan is, is because he's the only one who actually took a life. We just stuck the knife in a few places while Tyler finished off the job."
What? This new information slammed into me and stole my breath. I searched Matt's eyes, winced at Ethan's 'What the fuck' and heaved at Eric's 'Shit.'
"What do you mean, I was the only one of us who actually killed someone?" I came to my feet.
"I'm sorry. We didn't think..." Matt began.
"You all let me believe we're in this together!" I growled.
"And we are!" Ethan lowered his tone and warned me with a glare. "Whether or not our puncture wound was the one to claim a life, we all participated."
"But I'm the only one who killed someone!" I said.
When I had walked away from the body, I wasn't sure whether the man was alive or dead. He was still breathing when I left him there. Somehow, knowing that when I went back to the car, he took his last breath because of me, made it worse.
"Where are you going?" Eric jumped in front of the door as I stormed toward it.
"You lied to me. From now on, don't say shit to me about what happened that day. You can't possibly understand what's going on inside my head. I have to find Lily." I shoved him aside.
"To do what?" Ethan's feet started pounding the hardwood.
"Don't worry. I'll keep our little secret," I threw over my shoulder.
"Maybe leave Lily alone for now?" Matt suggested.
I considered his words and the pain in her eyes. He was right. I had hurt her enough already. As I exited the room, I heard Eric say, "Shit, he's heading for the alcohol."
He rushed past me toward the kitchen, no doubt to empty the cupboards.
"Damn it. I'll get someone to put a security keypad on the wine cellar." Ethan hurried toward his precious bottles of wine.
"Ryan, why don't you get your camera out like old times? We'll hit the road? Capture something beautiful?" Matt suggested.
I rolled my eyes and headed toward my room, slamming the door and unveiling the secret stash I had hidden in a box beneath a pile of clothes in the massive walk-in closet. As if I couldn't afford my own bottles. Almost everything I earned from photographing Ann-Marie and Tyler's wedding had been used to buy the one thing that could knock me out cold when I needed it to. Maybe if I kept drinking, one day I wouldn't wake up and everyone would be better off without me.
What's a life for a life?
I took one.
As much as he had it coming, I was the one to take his life. What, then, was the value of mine?