Chapter 15
Lily
O kay, I'll admit it. He's nice or whatever. I knew I carried on like all men were soap scum or toxic mold, and for the most part, I believed that, but I'm no longer that kid who would fall for a nice guy and look to them to save me. I messed up with thinking that Eric was more than just a nice guy, and that he cared about me too.
Ryan says I broke Eric's heart? Yeah, right. More like the other way around. But I won't say that to him. It'd only get back to Eric, and I can't risk him preying on that. As nice as he is, he's let me down before.
Either way, that ship with Eric has sailed.
He communicated how he felt about me loud and clear, in a way that was strong and silent for not a week, not a month, but several years. Yeah, I'm not falling for that bullshit. Oh, but he apologized. Okay? What am I supposed to do with that? Go JoJo on his ass, that's what. 'It's too little, too late.'
You can say I'm overreacting. Just like I owe him nothing, it's not like he owed me loyalty back then, or a promise. But some consideration would have been nice. A courteous farewell, if you may. Nothing?
He knows how much our friendship meant to me. How could he not? He was the only bright light I had in a dark, roaring storm. Yet, he snuffed that light out without a thought for me. I'm not saying he should have stayed. I wouldn't have expected him to. He moved to North Carolina for a couple of years, and I knew he moved around a lot in the past. He spoke about how much he didn't want to have to move again.
He was hoping since he would have turned eighteen the next year, he could have made an independent choice when it came down to it. But his eventual leaving was always in the back of our minds. So, it's not like I didn't think the day would come; it's the way he did it that I can't appreciate. Especially after I kissed him. To just up and go without a word? It was gut-wrenching, to say the least, and humiliating.
Anyway, as Ryan mentioned, it's in the past. And that's where it'll stay. He showed me how much he valued me, and I'm only acting accordingly. There's no coming back from that with Eric.
But Ryan?
Nowadays, I'm able to take people at face value. He's a nice guy, and I have a thing for nice guys. I know now not to expect anything more than they're willing to give; not even nice guys want to be locked down, and I don't need to set myself up for disappointment. Nice guys might even lash out when they're cornered. Deep down, all men have something savage in them. I have no interest in awakening that, shackling myself to a beast.
A fling is more than enough. Even if the niceness is just a charade, they can keep it going for a short while. And a short while is all I need. I hate admitting that I have even that slightest amount of interest in men. That I'm aroused by being treated nicely. But it is what it is, and sex is pretty fun. I try not to read too much into it.
Although, if I'm being honest, I haven't had sex in a while. Don't ask me how long it's been, I couldn't tell you. I've been busy with Mom and too tired to act on desire. It might be why I'm so fired up now, so hot between my legs. It's a shame that he's Eric's friend. I might have made a move and enjoyed a short thing with him.
The stir from yesterday? Oh, it's more than just back. In fact, I didn't think it went away after finding out he was Eric's friend or as we argued moments ago. And I knew he's interested in me. He took moments to just stop and look at me. I didn't have any idea what's going on in his head when he did, but I could take a guess. His eyes got all hot, and they lingered on mine until I'm certain he could see beyond them.
Ooh! If only he weren't Eric's friend. How close are they anyway? Would it even matter? No, that wouldn't be right. Why do I even care?
He's decadent temptation, and my mouth is watering for a taste. A fleeting taste to whet my appetite and go on about my day. Unbothered and satisfied. As I said, I'm not a girl anymore. I'm a woman. I know what I want, and I set the boundaries to ensure I don't get hurt. As long as I'm in control, and they know their place.
He's so my type, too. He's understanding, he listens without making dumb suggestions, his smile makes my pulse do stupid things. Plus, he'll be gone before I can waste thoughts on him. The biggest bonus is that we don't have history together, and it doesn't matter to me what he thinks of my worth. I haven't made the error in valuing him any higher than a nice-enough man I'd consider sharing myself with for a night. If he takes my back out on the first night, maybe two.
He looked ahead at the walking trail and back at me. "How about we get you home?" He cleared his throat.
I cocked my head. "Excuse me?" With where my thoughts were, I couldn't help but jump to conclusions, and my skin gave me away.
He grinned. "I mean, let's get you both home. You're the health professional here, but I wouldn't advise continuing this trail in this heat, while you're dehydrated, and I'll say it... hungry too."
He had a point. He got to his feet and offered his hand. I took it. "How do you know whether I've eaten or not? Do I look hungry?"
"You remind me of my mom," he said, pulling me up so hard, I landed against his chest, almost knocking us both over.
He grabbed hold of my waist to steady me, and I gulped. He had been out running and sweating. I'm surprised at how good he smelled. When he mentioned the mom thing, I thought I misjudged his attraction because that's weird as hell to me. I run the hell away from men who remind me of my dad or mom. However, the way he squeezed my waist before releasing me told me I didn't.
Fuck, he sent the hot-o-meter flying, and I'm breathless. "Thanks for the compliment?"
He smiled and nodded. "It is a compliment. She's the kindest woman I know."
Damn, my cheeks were hot. Something told me this wasn't a pick-up line. He meant it. If it were a pick-up line, it'd be a weird one. 'Hey, pretty lady. You remind me of my mom.' Ew. But there'There's nothing new about this moment. Or 'pick-uppy' either. I'm warmed up by his words. Too warmed up to be comfortable.
His firm chest had burned itself into my skin, my arms still tingled from resting against him a moment ago. Swallowing against my screaming need, I turned around to grab my mother's wheelchair. "It's okay. I can get myself home. I'm parked outside the entrance."
He stepped forward, reaching for the chair. "Why don't you let someone take care of you for a while?"
He smiled, and my breath caught. What was going on? The whole flutter of my internal organs was stronger than any initial attraction I'd had for a random hook-up. My belly ached. Because I don't want to get used to it and have it ripped away from me? I thought to myself.
Now would have been a good time to refuse his help. Instead, I played with fire.
"How do you want to take care of me?" I probed before I could stop myself.
He tensed. Damn. Okay, maybe it was about time I stopped before I got burned. Nothing could happen between us anyway. I was just teasing him to see his reaction, really. As I said before, he'd be gone soon, and it was looking up to be for the best if we parted ways now as strangers without intimacy.
With the way my body was reacting, something told me I'd end up half as wrecked as I was with Eric, if I even got a sample-sized experience with someone like Ryan. And I didn't think my heart would ever recover from Eric abandoning me. I couldn't add another wreckage to the mix. I'd lived through enough danger to be taking these kinds of risks.
Eric and his friends were a different breed of human beings, and that made interacting with them unpredictable. My heart couldn't handle that kind of chaos. Guess I had to thank Eric for the experience, which gave me the wisdom to know when to walk away before it was too late. I could already see my heart getting involved, and it was a car crash waiting to happen.
Oof, my head was spinning as my stomach groaned from the stress of emotions I put it through.
"Uh." He cleared his throat. "I promise that I'm not trying to be weird or anything, but you're someone Eric cares about, so I wouldn't feel good leaving you to go home alone, not in the state you're in. Do you mind if I drive you home? I promise that's all it is. Give me your keys, I'll pick your car up for you after."
Shit. I was feeling a bit fucked. "Can we please not talk about Eric anymore?"
"If you agree to let me take you home?" he said, with his hand out, waiting for the keys.
Wishing I wasn't such a fucking damsel in distress, I agreed. Keeping my eyes closed, because it was safer than risking eye contact through the rearview mirror, I rested my head against the top of the backseat with my mother strapped in next to me. We didn't speak until he pulled up to a drive-thru, insisting on buying us food. He kept his word, dropping me off at the house, before dropping my car off.
There was no point in hiding my address from him; Eric knew it. He'd always known, he just didn't care to visit after he left. And if Ryan was anything like him in that regard, I wouldn't see him again unless we bumped into each other randomly, years from now. As the door closed behind me, I took a breath, relieved that at least by then, we would be strangers passing by each other without recognition.