Chapter 43
Lily
M y alarm clock had just gone off, but I'd been up for at least three to four hours earlier, before sunrise, sitting in the same position in my bed, with my legs crossed, staring at the window ahead of me. My compiled thoughts had made it hard to breathe. Ryan's snores served as a reminder that I might have done something that would cost me Eric. Temptation encouraged me to hide it from him because my world would fall apart if he were to walk out of my life. But I had done this. I had made the decision to sleep with his best friend. A decision I still didn't regret, and that made me sick. I couldn't hide it from him. I had to face up to the bold choice I had made. I owed Eric that much respect.
A man can beat fear and force respect from his partner, but the kind man who wouldn't lay a finger on the one he's with, he's the one who deserves it all. Just because Eric is sweet, understanding, and full of love, it doesn't make him weak, and he doesn't deserve to be walked over. He doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark. He's not a fool, and I don't want to treat him like one. I'm hoping he'll choose to forgive me and stay with me.
But even if he does, I can't promise him I won't make this decision again.
Yesterday, I had thought of it as an error, sleeping with Ryan. Today, it didn't feel like a mistake. Sharing myself with Ryan made just as much sense to me as it did when I made love to Eric. And that's what made this so difficult.
This was no longer about me. I had gotten my cake and eaten it. This was about what Eric didn't know. There's a saying, 'What you don't know won't hurt you.' Well, sometimes that's not true at all; sometimes not knowing leaves deep-seated wounds that won't stop hurting until the truth is revealed. And even then, you've already betrayed the one you love with your lies.
Ryan roused. Stretching and groaning, he put his hand on the inside of my leg, rubbing it with the grain of his palm. A rush passed through me, but I couldn't even look at him. Not now, not until I knew how to make this right. Pulling myself from the bed, I hurried into the bathroom without a word and closed the door behind me to get ready for the day ahead. When I got back out, my bathrobe wrapped around my body, I found him dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed.
A weight of silence hung in the room as we met each other's eyes. "You just completely blanked me there," he acknowledged, his tone soft and pained.
I dropped my head and wrapped my arms around my body. I didn't know what to say to him, and the hurt in his eyes was heartbreaking.
"What is it, Lily? Last night, you said you didn't regret it. We made love again after. Now, you're giving me the cold shoulder," he said.
"It's not regret," I confessed. "Well, not exactly."
"What is it? Guilt?" He looked at me until I was brave enough to meet his eyes again.
"Yes. And fear." My chest tightened so hard, a tear fell. "I have to tell Eric. It's not fair to him."
"Oh, Lily. Come here," he said.
I shook my head. "I can't be near you right now. I'm betraying Eric."
"Lily..." He reached out his hand. "You're not betraying Eric."
Aghast, I stared at him as if he'd just spoken a language that's not of this earth. "What? How can you say that?"
"Because he's my best friend, and I know him." He still beckoned for me to come closer, and I rolled my eyes, appeasing him. When he rested his arms around my waist and made circles just above my ass, I sighed into him.
"You're delusional," I assured him.
He grinned. "No, I'm not. Trust me. You have nothing to be afraid of. Or feel guilty about. He loves the bones of you."
"I know he does. I love him too. It doesn't mean he'll forgive me. If he slept with any of the women down at the center who I consider my sisters, I'd never forgive him." I realized. "Oh, shit. I'm going to lose him, aren't I?"
"Relax, Lily. No, you're not," he said.
"And how can you be so sure?" I asked.
"Trust me. I know things." That's all he gave me. What the hell was that supposed to mean? If this was his way of keeping me from freaking out, it's not working. He just sounded insane. Unless he's hiding something from me. I clutched Ryan's shoulder in despair.
"What kind of 'things' do you know? Has Eric cheated on me? Is that what you're trying to tell me?" My breath grew hot against my lips as I scowled at him.
Ryan dropped his brows, humor playing on his lips. "Well, that's a bit hypocritical, isn't it?" He addressed my body language with a glance.
"I don't care. Has he or hasn't he?" My blood roared. I knew I'm projecting, my mind racing with reasons to shift blame and seeking excuses to hold my secret. Even more, I burned with the need to find that woman and let her know who he belonged to.
"Okay, Lily." Ryan rubbed my shoulders. "Stop arguing with the non-existent woman in your head. Eric didn't cheat on you," he said, reading my thoughts. But I'm not convinced.
"You're lying," I accused.
"No, sweetheart," he objected in an overly sweet tone. "It would benefit me more to lie and say that he is, wouldn't it? Try to split you up? Have you all to myself?" He pulled me closer with a smile. "But I'm telling you that Eric won't mind. Now, why would I do that instead of telling you whatever I need to, to make you leave him?"
"Because you're his best friend, and you're not a psychopath? I hope," I responded.
He grinned. "Exactly. That's how I know you have nothing to worry about. Trust me."
Now, I was more confused. Whether Ryan was Father Delulu at the moment, or he was hiding something of importance from me, I couldn't run away from my prerogative. I had to come clean with Eric about my attraction to not just Ryan, but all his friends, and cross my fingers in hope that he didn't look at me in disgust and reduce me to a whore. I was out of my damn mind. Of course he would. What man wouldn't? Still, it didn't change the fact that I needed to own up to my actions.