23. Mila #4
Ryker: I can picture my cock in your lips right now.
Me: Ryker!
Ryker: Yeah, that’s what I’ll have you screaming.
I shook my head and tried not to smile. I wasn’t feeling angry anymore.
Anxious still, yes—but angry, no. I wasn’t sure what it was about Ryker, but he had a way of affecting my emotions without even being there.
Just interacting with him made me happy.
I suppose that was one of the side effects of love.
Oh, how I loved and hated being in love with him.
It made me feel like I was soaring through the world.
Just picturing his face made me happy. And it scared me.
It scared me that he had so much power over my emotions.
I’d never really thought about it until recently, when we’d become a fake couple.
But now that I knew, it made me fearful.
He was almost like a puppet master with my emotions.
I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. I wasn’t sure when the bottom was going to drop out, and I was going to go flying through the vastness of an empty sky. I knew what it would feel like, though. It would feel like I was floating through the universe, by myself, empty, void of emotion and air.
I knew the feeling because I felt it now sometimes, late at night.
When he was sleeping and gone from the conscious world, then I would stare at his face in his slumber.
I’d marvel at how handsome he was. I’d think about how I wanted to touch his face, and how I wanted to run my hands through his hair.
It wasn’t even in a sexual way. It was just that touching him, being with him, provided me with something so innate, so filling that it was all I craved.
But I didn’t touch him, because I didn’t have that right.
Yes, we were sleeping together. Yes, he and I were closer than we’d ever been before, but it was all superficial and sexual.
It wasn’t deep. It wasn’t a loving, adoring relationship.
It wasn’t what I craved and wanted with all my heart.
I wasn’t able to touch him when I wanted.
I knew that. I knew that we weren’t there, and that’s what kept me up at night.
That’s what made me sometimes stop suddenly, my heart growing cold, my stomach feeling fearful, and my head feeling heavy.
Ryker wasn’t mine. He might never be mine, and I didn’t know if I could live with that.
“So, what did you say?” Lara interrupted my depressing thoughts, and I turned to her with a smile.
“I told him there is no way in hell he’s getting any photos of me in any dresses. I’m not Julia Roberts, and this isn’t Pretty Woman.”
“Mila.” Lara laughed and linked arms with me. “You’re too much, you know that?”
“Yes.” I giggled. “This store looks nice. Hopefully, they have something that will fit me and make me look fabulous.”
“I guarantee you will look fabulous.” Lara grinned as we walked into the very expensive-looking boutique.
“And sexy.”
“You always look sexy.” Lara winked at me and then purred like a cat. I burst out laughing and then tried to stifle my laughter as I noticed two of the sales ladies staring at us like we were something the cat had dragged in from the alleyway. Something not entirely welcome.
“Can we help you?” A slightly older lady with perfectly coiffed blond hair approached us with a thin smile.
“We’re just looking at dresses.” Lara smiled back confidently and flicked her hair back. “My friend is going to an important party tonight, so she wants to make sure that she has a dress worthy of the occasion.”
“Oh, well, we can definitely help.” The lady’s eyes fell to me, and I could see that she was sizing me up.
“Our dresses are very expensive, ma’am.” She looked me dead in the eyes, and I knew she was thinking that my Target and Ross bargain clothes had not impressed her.
“There’s a T.J. Maxx up the street.” She continued as she stared at me. “It might be a bit more affordable.”
“I think we’ll still have a look,” Lara said, her voice loud as she looked at the lady dismissively. “Thanks for your help.”
“We should leave,” I whispered to Lara. “She’s a bitch.”
“Forget her.” Lara shook her head. “All the sales ladies in these places are bitches. Our goal is to get you a hot dress. We have to ignore them.”
“I guess.” I sighed and made a face. “I just really don’t feel good about giving her money.”
“If we buy a dress here, we’ll ask for the owner’s name and then send a scathing letter, okay?” Lara grinned at me. “That way, while she might get some commission, she’ll still get in some trouble.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “Deal.” I looked around the store, and my eyes grew wide at the ample assortment of evening dresses. “I don’t know how we’re going to choose a dress.” I made a face. “I don’t even think half of these will fit me. They all look like size zero.”
“Many are size zero because they are straight from the designer,” Lara said, nodding in agreement. “But there will be many that aren’t. And tonight, we’re going to have you in a long red dress, with a plunging neckline and a high slit up the legs.”
“Whoa, what?” My eyes nearly bulged out. “That sounds a bit much.”
“You need to be a bit much.” Lara raised an eyebrow at me. “This is Ryker, remember? The love of your life. You want him to want you more than anything else in the world, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but not just for sex. I want him to want me for my mind and my body. I want him to think he can’t live without me.”
“This is step one,” Lara said. “Guys think with their small heads first. You need him to be obsessing over you and wanting you in his bed at all times. Then he’ll start to realize just how much you mean to him in every area of his life.”
“I guess.” I sighed. “I just don’t know if Ryker will ever feel that way about me. He’s not the guy I thought he was, you know? He seems more damaged than I thought. A bit darker and deeper, not the joker I always thought.”
“He’s dark because he’s into kinky sex, Mila.” She laughed, but I shook my head at her as our eyes caught.
“No, it’s more than that. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s more than that.
” I sighed. “But who knows? Maybe I’m imagining it.
Maybe it’s not anything other than what I want to think and believe.
” I paused as I heard my phone beeping. I looked down at the screen and saw Ryker’s name, then ignored it.
I didn’t need his playful teasing right now.
Not when I was already so confused about everything.
“Stop overthinking everything, Mila.” Lara gave me a pointed look. “I know you overanalyze everything, and sometimes that is good, but this is not one of those situations. Just let it go where it goes.”
“I guess so. That’s hard, though.”
“I know.” She nodded. “But life is hard. No one ever said it was going to be easy.”
“I want it to be easy.” I moaned. “I want him to wake up and say, ‘Mila, I love you, let’s make this real.’”
“Maybe he will,” Lara said, her eyes on mine. “And maybe he won’t. But don’t live out your days waiting for that. Enjoy whatever you have now. It’s good now, or at least good enough, right?”
“Yeah, It’s good enough. It’s more than I thought I would have with him.”
“Then enjoy it.” Lara walked away from me and over to a dress rack. “Now, stop thinking and start looking. We need to get you a dress that’s going to blow Ryker away.”
“Yeah, that would be nice,” I agreed and walked over to a display next to her and started thumbing through the dresses, though I wasn’t really seeing them.
All I was thinking about was the look I hoped to see on Ryker’s face when he saw me.
I wanted him to look impressed, taken aback.
I wanted his eyes to rove all over my body and not want to look away.
I wanted him to want me more than he’d ever wanted anyone in the world.
I wanted him to look at me as if I were the last person in the world.
I wanted him to think I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen.
Not that I was or would ever be. There were far more beautiful women out there, but I wanted Ryker to look at me as if I were one of them.
I wanted time to stand still. I got chills just thinking about it. And then I felt teary-eyed again because I knew it would never happen. Ryker would never look at me as if I were that special someone. I couldn’t imagine it. As much as I wanted it, I couldn’t see it happening.
“Ooh, what about this?” Lara held up a dress to show me. It was short and black, and the top was made of transparent lace.
“Lara, people will see my bra or my breasts.” I shook my head. “I don’t want them seeing either.”
“Fine.” She grinned and put it back on the rack. “Though, it’s a fucking sexy dress.”
“That it is.” I continued looking through the dresses. My hand stopped on a long cream dress with pearls running along the neckline. “What about this?” I asked Lara and held the dress up.
“Are you a grandma going to prom?” Lara made a face. “No way, that’s not sexy at all.”
“Fine.” I laughed and kept thumbing through the dresses. My hand stopped on a delicate, sexy black dress with a lace back and a long slit. “What about this?” I said breathlessly as I held it up for her to see.
“Wow.” Lara’s eyes widened as she glanced at the dress in my hand. “That’s hot.”
“You don’t think it’s too much?”
“Is there such a thing as too much?”
“Yes. There is definitely such a thing as too much. I don’t want to be the skank at the party.”
“You, my dear, could never be a skank.”
“Yes, I could.” I laughed and then looked at the dress again. “But I’m still going to try it on.” I smiled at her. “Maybe it will go right up to the ho line but not pass it.”
“That’s a fine line,” Lara said, and we grinned at each other, both of our worries forgotten at that moment as we shopped.
“Thanks for coming with me, Lara. It really means a lot to me.”
“Shh.” She rolled her eyes and pushed me. “Don’t get emotional. Just go and change and let me see how hot you look.”