28. Ryker #3
I couldn’t change our path now, though. Everything was so complicated and fucked up.
How could I start telling her the truth, after having told her so many lies?
Would it even matter if I could tell her how much I loved her?
What was my love, after all? What was the promise of a million dollars from a beggar?
Or the promise of a fortnight of hot sun from an Eskimo?
I had nothing to give that would make me worthy of her—nothing to change our path of mutual destruction.
I knew we were both going to be devastated at the end of everything.
And it scared me more than I was willing to admit.
“Why are you like this, Ryker?” She sighed. “I don’t understand. Why does it have to be like this?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed too, squeezing her hands. I’d asked myself that question a million times, and I didn’t know. “Maybe this is just who I’ve always been.”
“So we’re just going to fool around for four weeks, while we stage a fake engagement, and then that’s it?” she asked, questioning me, trying to withdraw her hands, but I wouldn’t let her.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I answered, not really sure what to say. She had no idea that the bomb that was coming was going to be much, much worse than that.
“It’s so easy for you, isn’t it?” She blew out a breath. “Just jump in and out of bed with all the women you want and then just move on.”
I shook my head. “It’s not easy at all.” She had no idea how unique she was, how special, how I couldn’t even think of another woman in any way other than platonic. I’d lost all attraction to them, which was ironic, as I’d always appreciated a nice ass and rack.
“So, you were just born this way? Unfeeling? Uncaring?” she asked again, prodding. I didn’t know what she was hoping to accomplish, and while I didn’t want to see her hurting, I didn’t know how to end the conversation to prevent that.
“I suppose so.” I shrugged.
“Okay, then.” She licked her lips, and I could see the light in her eyes fading. “I understand.” She nodded. “It’s fine, really. We’ll have fun, and then when it’s done, we can go back to being friends again.” She looked into my eyes and gave me a big smile. “I’m an adult; I can handle it.”
My heart broke then. The look in her eyes was so proud, so determined, so heartbroken.
“I wish I could be the man you need me to be,” I said, my voice lower than a whisper.
“What?” she asked me, leaning in closer.
“I’m glad you can be so mature about it,” I said louder, and she nodded.
My heart broke for her, and it broke for me.
I knew at that moment that both our spirits were somehow fading, both of us forever connected to this moment.
That hope and love had died. That we were both victims to something we didn’t understand.
At that moment, I felt a piece of my soul being torn out of my body.
I felt like ice was piling into my heart and stomach, and I didn’t know how to breathe.
It shouldn’t feel this way. Yet, it did.
I was doing this for her. I was doing this because I knew I couldn’t give her what she needed.
Not really. I didn’t know how. And what was worse, I didn’t know that all of me wanted to know how.
As much as I loved being with her, I hated the insecurity; I hated the jealousy; I hated the powerlessness; I hated that sometimes when I was alone and looking at the sky, her face would pop into my mind, and I would find myself spending minutes and hours just thinking of her smile.
I hated that I felt like she was made for me.
She was my other half, my soulmate. She made me believe in God, and that was a laugh because I hadn’t believed in a long time.
“So, what do you want to do today?” I asked her finally, pretending that we hadn’t just had the most life-altering conversation of our lives. I grinned at her, willing her to grin back. Willing her to go along with the facade that we were both cool with whatever this game was.
“I think I’m going to go and see Nonno,” she said, attempting a smile. “Maybe go to the beach or something.”
“Oh, that will be fun.” I was annoyed that a part of me wanted her to ask me to go to the beach with them. I didn’t really want to go to the beach; I just wanted to be with her.
“Yeah.” She nodded. “It will be fun. Nonno will likely tell me more stories of him and Nonna when they were back in Italy.” She laughed.
“Shoot, he’ll probably tell the same stories to my kids and grandkids.
” I nodded, not wanting to go there. “I should get up and shower,” she said feebly.
I could tell that she wanted to be away from me, wanted to figure out her feelings, see what she was left with inside.
I hoped I hadn’t hurt her too badly. I didn’t want to do that.
I hadn’t expected her to get so deep in conversation.
“Okay, that sounds good.” I nodded and watched as she got out of bed.
My body missed her as soon as she was gone.
It was the first morning since she’d been here that we hadn’t made love.
I wanted to grab her and pull her back down onto the bed, but I didn’t.
She gave me a self-conscious smile as she walked away, her eyes looking small and sad, and I grinned as she walked into the bathroom, pretending that I didn’t notice her downtrodden spirit.
This was for the best. It was smart for me to get her to hate me from now on. This way she wouldn’t be so heartbroken and downtrodden when everything came out.
I heard the sound of the water in the shower, and wetness came to my eyes for the first time in years.
I was a man who didn’t cry. I was a man who didn’t shed a tear, but at that moment, I couldn’t stop myself.
I felt like I’d just lost a part of myself.
I wasn’t even sure how or why, but as the tears flowed, I knew that I needed the release.
A part of me wondered if I was crying because she was crying in the shower.
It wouldn’t have surprised me. We were so connected.
Our bodies attuned to each other’s every action and feeling.
I’d never experienced something so extrasensory before.
I wouldn’t have believed it was possible. Mila was my soulmate.
We were connected in ways I’d never have believed possible, but we were never going to get to be together for two reasons.
One reason was that she would hate me once she realized what I was hiding from her, and the second was that it confounded me to believe she could love me and stay with me forever.
I wasn’t good enough for her. I wasn’t the man she thought I was, and I knew that it would kill me once she found that out and stopped loving me.
I could lose everything in the world and not have it hurt as much as loving Mila and losing her when she realized who I really was.