36. Mila
Mila
The beat of my heart was in perfect symmetry to the sound of the drum on the radio.
I stood there, in my room, in the darkness, and pressed my hands together.
A small cry fell from my lips as Ryker’s face flashed through my mind.
I closed my eyes and shook my head to try to banish his face from my thoughts, but that didn’t help.
I could only see it bigger, brighter, clearer.
I opened my eyes again and walked to my bed slowly.
I collapsed onto the sheets, praying that sleep would take me right away, but of course, I wasn’t to be so lucky.
Emptiness filled me. My heart felt hollow like the inside of the huge conch shell Nonno and I had found on the beach when I was younger.
I looked over to the shelf to the right of the bed and stared at the shell that I still treasure, so that I could concentrate on something other than Ryker.
That didn’t help. I cried out again as Ryker’s bright brown eyes flashed in my mind, and all I could see was the warmth of his smile from a few days ago.
My Ryker. Oh, how I loved this man. Every single inch of him.
I just wanted to reach out and touch him; I needed to feel him, wanted that contact.
Just one last time. My body shivered on the bed as I lay there alone, tired, weary, and cried out.
My heart started to pound as I realized that I could quite possibly die like this.
All alone. Heartbroken. More tired than I’d ever felt in my life.
My life seemed pointless and hopeless. Life was so incredibly unfair.
Why hadn’t he loved me enough to tell me about Nonno?
Why didn’t he care? Couldn’t he see that we were made for each other?
Couldn’t he see that my heart beat for him?
Couldn’t he see how strong I was? My eyes became heavy and closed as my sobs started up again.
I grabbed my pillow and held it close to me, imagining it was him.
The pain shot through my body as I lay there, and a feeling of nausea rose through me.
I wasn’t going to be okay. Nothing was ever going to be okay again.
My heart had shattered into a million pieces, and Ryker Walker, my soulmate, didn’t even seem to care that he was partially responsible for not telling me that my Nonno was dying.
“I don’t think I have a heart anymore. I can’t feel it beating. I can’t hear it ticking. I think it’s left my body,” I sobbed to Lara as she sat on my bed and held me. “I don’t think I’m going to be okay ever again. I can barely breathe. I can’t think. I just want to die.”
“Oh, Mila. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not going to be okay,” I cried, my stomach feeling emptier than it ever had. I looked up at her bleakly. “I feel like I mean nothing. I’m nothing. I’m invisible.”
“You’re not invisible.”
“And yet I am. I don’t matter.”
“You do matter. Mila, you’re scaring me.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t even know what to say. I lost Nonno, and the one person I ever really and truly loved has ripped my heart to pieces.”
“Ryker didn’t mean?—”
“I can’t even hear his name,” I sobbed. “I can’t even think about him without the pain burning me up inside. I hate him so much. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.”
“Oh, Mila.”
“I’m not waiting for him. I’m not crying for him. I’m not thinking of him. I don’t love him. I don’t love him.” Then the tears started streaming even more. “Oh, God, I love him so much it hurts.”
“Call him, Mila.” Lara looked down at me with a worried expression. “Call him and let him know how you feel.”
“I don’t know how I feel.”
“Just speak to him.”
“Okay.” I nodded finally, grabbed my phone, and waited for him to answer.
“Mila?” he asked hopefully, and for a second my heart beat just a little faster as I heard his voice. Then I quickly banished my momentary happiness.
“Yes, it’s Mila.”
“It’s me, Ryker.”
“I know. I called you.” My voice was stiff and tinged with bitterness.
“Mila, talk to me, please. Tell me what I can do. Tell me what you want.”
“We could have had it all,” I said, not saying anything else.
“Or we could have had nothing.” Ryker’s voice was sad.
“I loved you.”
“Loved? I thought love never died.”
“It died.”
“So then, maybe it wasn’t love.”
“You’re an ass.”
“I’m just saying how it is. If you loved me, past tense, then maybe it wasn’t really love.”
“Yeah, maybe it wasn’t.”
“Just lust.”
“You wish.”
“Infatuation then.”
“Yeah, that’s it.”
“Obsession.”
“I’m not obsessed.”
“Maybe I was.”
“You were?”
“Maybe.”
“I see.”
“Maybe it hurt too much.”
“Being obsessed hurt?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“Being in love.” His words were soft now.
“With yourself?”
“No. With someone where the thought of ever having to say goodbye was too hard to handle.”
“I see.”
“Do you?”
“No.”
“Maybe some part of me just knew.”
“Knew what?” I was annoyed now.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Okay,” I said, then looked at Lara and smiled brightly. “I think I’m going to go now. I’ve things to do.” My heart thudded painfully, but I didn’t want him to know just how badly he’d hurt me.
“It doesn’t die,” he said, his voice tinged with a hint of desperation and sadness.
“What doesn’t die?”
“Love. If you had really loved me, it wouldn’t have died.
” He paused, and I stared at the ceiling for what seemed like an eternity before turning back to the phone.
“I wanted to tell you about Nonno, Mila. I really did. I regret it more than anything. But I can’t take it back.
Please don’t give up on me. This is what I was afraid of.
This is why I didn’t want to love you. This is why I didn’t want to let you in.
I was scared something like this would happen, and you would just walk away.
I was scared you’d just give up on us. If you really loved me, you would understand, Mila.
You’d know that this was something I couldn’t give you.
Not without betraying Nonno. You have to grow up, Mila.
You have to understand that you’ll be okay.
I know you might not love me anymore, but we can still try. ” He was silent then, and so was I.
It was at that moment that I gave up on him, on us, on everything I’d seen in my mind’s eye.
It was at that moment that I knew that he could never be my one.
He, who had turned my world around, didn’t get me, didn’t understand me, didn’t realize that after all these years, he was everything to me.
He didn’t understand that my love was forever.
He couldn’t comprehend that I would never not love him anymore.
But I knew that I had to try to get over him.
The end had come before the beginning, and I was finally ready to let go.