Chapter 5
NOAH
I’m still standing in amazement as Cordelie races out the door full of rage, with her head held high.
When did my sweet baby girl grow a backbone?
I grimace with the ache still permeating through my nuts, as I muse over the fact that she’s somehow also become violent since I last had a moment alone with her.
One look over my shoulder to the squawking Josslyn’s still doing, while her useless friends hoist her back to her feet, confirms that Cordelie’s newfound courage and violence isn’t only directed at me, and a grin forms on my lips.
God, it was beautiful watching her stand up for herself against Josslyn and me.
The way her stunning blue-gray eyes filled with smoldering fire and malice had a shudder racing through my body, and all my blood flow heading straight for my cock.
I almost wanted to applaud, but I was too busy trying not to puke up my innards from her hit.
One of Josslyn’s entourage comes closer, gaining my attention as she holds something shiny out to me.
“You dropped your phone, Noah,” she utters timidly, while blushing and batting her eyelashes at me.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her it’s not mine, when I spot the ‘crazy cat’ sticker on the bottom of the back cover, and I swallow my words.
Instead, I make sure to brush my fingers against her hand, wink to distract her, and pocket it before Josslyn gets a glance at it.
“Thanks, sweetness,” I whisper seductively and watch her cheeks turn crimson.
Ugh, sometimes it’s too easy. I know just from her reaction that if I asked her to step into that empty lecture hall with me, I could have her bent over one of the seats with my cock shoved up her cunt with minimal effort.
She’s Josslyn’s friend, until she’s not.
It makes me believe that there really are no good people left in the world, myself included.
Except I just watched one flee my presence, like I was a monster ready to devour her, and maybe I am.
“What were you doing with her, Noah?” Josslyn demands, her voice trembling slightly, as she grips my arm tightly, and I can hear the hurt and confusion in her tone.
I should probably tell her she looks like a coked-out raccoon at the moment, with the black makeup streaks running down her face, but what would be the fun in that?
I notice none of her friends bother to tell her either.
Josslyn can always use a little humility with how highly she thinks of herself.
It's true that I'm a liar, cheat, and psychopath, but at least I don't think I'm better than anyone else. “Noah, I’m speaking to you!”
I can feel the vein at my temple starting to throb, and I fist my hands tightly, fighting the urge to push her away violently.
My mind races with the conflicting feelings of anger, guilt, and a desperate need to escape, all swirling inside of me like hot lava waiting to explode.
“Goddamnit, woman, will you just shut the hell up! Your fucking voice is giving me a damn headache!” I yank my arm out of her hold, and instantly feel a pang of remorse as a look of hurt crosses her features.
Fuck, fuck, fuck. I drag my hands down my face with agitation, torn between my impulses and my conscience.
“I wasn’t doing anything, Joss. She literally ran into me ’cause she wasn’t looking where she was going. That’s it, so drop the jealousy act.”
I don’t want to hurt Josslyn either, despite her being a shitty human just like me.
The truth is, we’re both kindred spirits, both broken, filled with malice, and constantly self-sabotaging ourselves and hurting others.
She wasn’t the reason I blew up my life and lost the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I was. I know I shouldn’t take it out on her, yeah, she tempted me, but I was already looking for a way to fuck myself over, way before Josslyn spread her legs for me.
It’s always been there, this deep-seated feeling inside of myself that I don’t deserve anything good in this world.
That everything I touch will always turn to ash.
Even when I tried hard to fight against it, like I did for the first few months I was with Cordelie, I eventually faltered and gave in to the madness and the self-deprecating thoughts.
I broke us because I knew, deep down in my heart, I was never going to be good enough for her, and I didn’t want to see her lose her spark because of me.
In the end, that’s exactly what happened with my shitty choices.
I can feel the despair rising inside of me like a sick, black tide that wants to drown me, and I know I need to get away from Josslyn before I do something else I’ll eventually regret.
If she were smart, she would run as far away from me as she could, just like Cordelie did, and never look back.
You're a monster. No one could ever truly love you, not the real you.
“I’m... sorry, Noah. It’s just... You know how she is, and I…
worry.” A hint of embarrassment crosses Josslyn’s face, and she tries to hide it from her friends.
Even though I’m feeling an overwhelming need to get the hell out of here and go locate Cordelie, and use her phone as an excuse to see her again, I raise my hand and cradle Josslyn’s face, using my thumb to rub at the black smudges.
She leans into me like I’m her whole world, and the reason for her existence, and that causes my chest to tighten.
I don’t want to be that for anyone, shit, I can barely stand myself most days.
“I know, baby, but you have to stop. It’s not a good look for you.
She doesn’t want me back.” I don’t bother adding on that if she did, I’d drop to my fucking knees and walk through glass to make it up to Cordelie.
There’s no point in acknowledging that fact, since it’s hopeless.
Today just proved it. “I gotta go, I’ll see you later.
” I wink, as I remove my touch, and instantly feel lighter.
God, it’s getting harder and harder to live with the consequences of my actions.
“Will you come by tonight and stay with me?” Josslyn questions, her green eyes filling with unshed tears, the insecurity evident in her tone.
I catch her friends smirking at each other from my peripheral vision, and it makes me both sad and angry on her behalf.
Everyone we surround ourselves with is a faker and a maggot.
Have you looked in the mirror lately? You're no better.
“Sure, baby, make sure you wear something sexy for me.” I force a smile, lean in, and peck her lips.
Her face instantly brightens with hope, and a lump forms in my throat.
Fuck, I’m such a piece of shit. I don’t wait to allow her to deepen our PDA, so that she can convince herself and her friends that our relationship is alright.
It’s a sick game the two of us are playing, and there’ll be no winners at the end, just a mountain of hurt.
I turn away without even saying goodbye, my head high, shoulders back, and Cordelie’s phone heavy in my pocket, knowing that, like the asshole addict I am, I can’t stay away from Cordelie, and I’m about to hurt all of us all over again.
I don’t make it farther than the school library before I’m slinking into a darkened corner like the villain I am, and pulling out the phone.
I stare at it, tracing my thumb over her favorite sticker, knowing full well I have no business going through it, and should just return it to her.
My hand trembles at the thought that I’ve already done so many shitty things to this woman.
Yet, I can’t seem to help myself. What’s one more?
I’ll just take a quick peek if I can get past her password, then I’ll find her or her cunt of roommate, and make sure she gets it back.
Yeah, right, 'cause you're such a good guy.
I slide down the wall, my back pressed to it, my knees bent and raised as I stare at the small, unforgiving screen, which displays a beautiful, glowing sunset, covered in soft golds, burnt oranges, and fading pinks.
The kind of beauty that once felt like it belonged to us and our love.
I remember when it did, and it used to frame two silhouettes deeply in love who wanted to explore the world together.
My chest tightens at the remembrance that her lockscreen used to be a picture of us kissing at the spring fair last year at sunset.
Now it’s just an image on a phone, and I’m no longer in it, and have been completely erased as if I was never even there.
My miserable reflection ghosts over the glass as I stare, my face layered over a moment I no longer have a place in.
The image of the sunset is breathtaking, whole, unlike us.
Sitting here, I realize how easily I was obliterated, cropped right out of her warm light, and left behind in the dark while her world kept glowing without me.
You deserve that and so much more, you hurt the person who always put you before themselves.
With a deep shuddering breath, I press in her old code, convinced that there’s no way she hasn’t changed it.
It seems everything else about her has, like the fact that I've noticed she's drinking more now than she ever did when she was mine. Can you blame her after what you put her through, my mind chastises, and I know I can’t. I have no right to anything Cordelie-related. I shouldn’t even be sitting here reminiscing on what I’ve lost.