Chapter 17
CORDELIE
He stares down at me with shock and indecision on his handsome face.
Everything in me is telling me to knee him in the balls and run the hell out of here.
He didn't save me and bring me here with good intentions.
This version of Noah I'm getting a glimpse of reassures me that I was right: he was never a good man, he just knew how to wear a mask and fake it.
Yet, I don't move an inch, and the words spill from deep in the labyrinth of my damaged heart.
The one he's demolished until there are so many sharp fragments left that we'll both continue to slice ourselves, and bleed out in the aftermath.
"Then let me go, Noah, and leave me alone.
I'm not what you truly want, and I won't settle for the version of you that you let me have before. "
My breath ceases, and my chest aches, as I watch various emotions cross his features in rapid succession.
He's going to turn me away, I can feel it deep inside of me.
He never truly wanted me, not the way I wanted him.
He was my everything, and I was something he lied to himself about.
He says I'm not like her, my best friend, who I know he's still fucking to this day.
He never walked away from her after getting caught.
He didn't fight for me either. As much as I would like to deceive myself to make the pain more manageable, I know in the end it will hurt me worse.
I take a step to the side, fully prepared to grab my dress and put it back on, as shame, embarrassment, and rejection swirl in an insidious combination within me.
Don't shed any more tears for him, I urge myself, even as a sob chokes my throat.
See, he never wanted you. You're pathetic, you're worse than pathetic, you're nothing.
"Cordelie..." His voice breaks as he grabs my bicep in a tight grip, forcing a whimper from my lips.
I refuse to meet his gaze, preferring instead to once again scan the apartment and witness the disorder, filth, and chaos he's been living in since before we even broke up.
How could he have moved here without telling me?
How can he even live like this? This place is a dump, with peeling paint, the smell of overwhelming mold, and unwashed clothing haphazardly thrown across the floor in piles.
There are so many bags filled with used takeout containers on the floor, pressed against the walls, creating small mountains.
His breakfast counter is littered with empty beer bottles, and the sink is filled with unwashed dishes.
The Noah I knew was neat and orderly. He used to make fun of me for my mess. Who is this person?
You never knew him, and he didn't want to show you who he truly was. He knew you were a judgmental, weak bitch. It's why he chose her over you. It's why he will keep going back to her.
"Release me, Noah. There is nothing left to say between us," I growl, red-hot anger blazing through me and overriding my self-pity.
I'm a fool for putting myself in this position, for allowing him to see how useless I genuinely am.
Is it even a wonder that he went looking for someone else when he was with me?
Not someone else, your best friend. He wanted to hurt you.
"Never, Cordelie." His hand rises and grabs onto the end of the belt, yanking it forcefully against my neck and causing my next breath to stutter.
His grip tightens as he fists the belt, wrapping it around his hand until I'm forced to rise on my toes or be choked.
"You have always had the very best of me, Cordelie.
I never wanted to show you the unhinged, dark parts.
I wanted to spare you the taint and the rot.
I tried to keep you far away from that part of me, so you remained sane and unbroken, but, sweet baby girl, I refuse to lose you. "
His face leans down, his tongue licking at my tear-stained cheek as he hums in satisfaction.
"You want to play with my darkness, Cordelie?
You think you're brave enough to survive intact?
" His dark obsidian eyes shine with a hint of madness, and for a quick moment, I regret all my words, as he truly unnerves me.
"Yes, I see the fear now staring back at me, baby.
Do you see the monster inside of me you're asking me to unleash on you? "
His hand slides down my chest until he grasps my breast and squeezes tightly.
"You see, baby, I like a lot more than just a little pain with my pleasure.
Are you going to allow me to hurt you, Cordelie, so you can prove to yourself that you can be like her?
She's a slut, a whore I allow other men to use while I watch.
I degrade her, use her, punish her. Is that what you want me to do to you, sweet baby girl? "
His words both disgust and excite me, and that's how I know I'm truly broken. What woman would want the man she loves to do those things to her? "Yes," I wheeze, the sound sealing my fate.
"You have no idea what you're asking for. I won't take it easy on you, Cordelie. I won't hold back on releasing my grip on my darkness. If you truly want to experience the way I fuck Josslyn, then you will. The question is, will you still be in one piece at the end of it?"
His words are a threat and a promise, and I don't know which to fear more.
He doesn't know that there's darkness lurking inside of me too.
That I'm not the innocent, na?ve girl that he's always believed me to be.
I wonder for a brief moment how he would react if I told him the fantasies I've always had, and the fact that I've signed up to allow a complete stranger to hunt me through the woods, and fuck me like an animal into the ground.
I keep those thoughts locked inside myself.
Whatever happens here between Noah and me won't change the outcome.
I will never allow myself to be with someone who hurt and betrayed me the way he did.
A leopard doesn't change its spots, and a liar and cheat never alters their ways either.
Am I a fool for giving him false hope that this could somehow salvage us?
Maybe. I want, for once in my life, to experience what he truly wanted, what he craves, so that I can bear witness to how off the mark I was.
How I was never what he needed. Then maybe I can pick the pieces of my broken heart up off the dirty floor and finally walk away from him for good.
"I'm... not afraid," I whisper, even though I have to lock my knees as my body trembles.
I will not take the coward's way out of this by crying and running.
He wants to hurt me, I can see it in the depths of his dark eyes, and I want him to do it.
There's no way the physical pain can rival what I've already experienced all these months. He’s already broken my heart, what does it matter what he does to my body now?
"You should be, baby," he growls as his grip on the belt forces me to my knees before him, and his other hand digs mercilessly into my hair, pulling painfully on the strands. "You want to be a whore for me, Cordelie, then pull out my cock, baby, and put me in your mouth."
My hands shake as I raise them to the waistband of his boxers, releasing his stiff cock, and urging the fabric down his muscular, tattooed legs.
The deep red bulbous tip glistens with drops of precum, and I lick my lips in anticipation of tasting him.
He yanks on my strands and forces my face closer, as unbidden tears slide down my cheeks.
"Don't be gentle, baby. I like a bit of teeth.
" I force a deep breath, as much as the belt will allow, and lick at his engorged head, swiping at the precum with my tongue as he slips out of his boxers, hisses, and widens his stance.
His salty taste hits my taste buds, and I hum with pleasure and need.
I stare mesmerized at his perfect, long cock, inhaling his musky scent as if in a daze.
I've never been great at giving head, and Noah was always so patient when I tried before.
I have a feeling he's not going to oblige me now.
My thoughts are instantly confirmed as he propels his cock past my lips, and thrusts savagely into the back of my throat without mercy.
"That's it, pretty slut, take me to the back of your throat and swallow me down.
" He doesn't give me a moment to adjust to his thickness and length in my mouth, he just thrusts again and again, each time harder, until I choke and gag.
He releases his grip on my hair, and his fingers reach for and pull on my hardened nipple, painfully twisting it until I cry deep in my throat.
"You can do better than that, slut. Relax your throat, and scrape those teeth along my length.
" His demand is immediately followed by a tug on the belt, and I try my best to do as he instructs, as his ruthless touch moves onto my other breast before he slaps it harshly, and the burn races across my flesh.
My core spasms over and over on empty air, and I can feel my wetness leaking out of me and coating my upper thighs.
I press them together, hoping for some friction to ease the need, but Noah slaps me in the face, the sting making my eyes water.
"No, you don't get to fucking come without my permission, Cordelie.
Whores obey their owners. That's what you want to be, right, baby? My dirty whore?"
His foot forces my legs apart, until I'm obscenely exposed and teetering on the edge of both an orgasm and losing my balance.
"You soaked, baby? Let's see, shall we?" He presses the top of his bare foot against my soaked pussy lips, rubbing it back and forth, making my body undulate and chase his touch.
"What a dirty whore. You'd ride anything I put in front of you right now, wouldn't you, baby? "