Chapter 8 Lily
LILY
Ayear, three hundred and sixty five days.
That’s how long it’s been since I lost my brother, since I watched him die with his blood on my hands, and the pain is just as present now as it was a year ago.
The thought of him not being here for a whole year makes me sick to my stomach.
How have I lived a year without him? And I suppose the truth is, I haven’t.
I can’t remember the last time I felt alive, happy, content.
No, all of those feelings evaporated the second his heart stopped beating.
Max came by first thing this morning and did his usual check-in, opening my curtains and making breakfast, but I didn’t move, didn’t speak.
I just lay here and let the truth wash over me, and though I could tell he was worried, he didn’t push me today.
In that moment I appreciated him more than he will ever know.
Tonight, my family is throwing an anniversary dinner in honor of my brother, to both grieve his loss and celebrate his life, and I don’t know whether the idea makes me want to laugh or cry.
Zack has reminded me about it every night for the last week, despite me not talking to him, and I silenced my phone after my mom’s texts started getting too frequent.
I just want everyone to leave me alone, so I can forget this day even exists.
But life is never that simple, right?
A loud knock at my door makes me flinch, but I don’t move, intent on ignoring whoever it is, but they knock again, firmer this time.
Still I don’t move, not caring what they want, but the knocking continues, and I know whoever it is, they’re not going away.
Sighing, I toss aside my blanket and stomp my way to my front door, ripping it open to curse whoever is there, only to pause in surprise.
“Hey Lils, did you miss me?”
Jace Conrad leans against my door frame with a playful smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth, looking like he hasn’t got a care in the world. I haven’t seen him since the day Lincoln came back to the main house with him, and told us he’d murdered my brother’s killer.
Once upon a time he was my friend, someone I would share my pain with, until the darkness tried to claim him too.
I was proud of him when he got sober, even more so when he made things right with the girl he loves, but that’s not what has me staring at him silently.
No, that would be the little boy standing beside him wearing a matching smirk.
“Wow, you’re really pretty,” the boy tells me, and I can’t help but look between him and Jace in total confusion.
What is he doing here?
And who the hell is this little boy?
Jace came into my life when Elle decided to come back to Black Hallows.
He’s a friend of her now husband, Marcus, and they met in foster care when they were teenagers.
Marcus, Jace, and Lincoln, became brothers, and when Elle became one of them, they became part of our family too.
A family that has clearly been living perfectly fine in my absence, if this young boy is anything to go by.
“Who’s this?” I ask, praying his answer isn’t about to make me an accessory to a crime, because you can never be too careful where Jace Conrad is concerned.
“This is Cash, the little boy I’m fostering,” Jace starts, throwing his free arm around Cash’s shoulder like a proud father would.
“Didn’t your mom tell you?” he adds in question, looking at me as if it’s more than common knowledge, and I’m sure my mom probably did tell me, but I must have just blocked it out.
“Anyway, can we come in, our Starbies are melting.” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond, just brushes past me with Cash following at his side, and I have no choice but to shut the door and follow them into my apartment.
“I forgot how nice this place is,” Jace says, as I enter the kitchen and watch as he lifts the little boy up onto one of my stools.
“You’d think after the last few years I’d be used to the obscene wealth you all grew up with, but it still blows my mind,” he adds offhandedly, as he passes Cash a chocolate cake pop and some kind of chocolate-filled drink.
Focusing on Jace more closely, I can tell he’s still clean and sober, looking fresher and fitter than I have ever seen him, and something flickers deep in my chest. However, it’s the way he’s tending to the little boy that truly warms my insides.
I can tell they already have a strong bond, which shouldn't surprise me, he was the same with Cassie after he found out about her.
“Isn’t that too much sugar for him?” It’s the first thing that comes to mind, and the two of them share a conspiring look.
“Don’t tell the Queen, she might stab him,” Cash replies simply, before taking a chunk out of his sweet treat, and I look at Jace unsure of what to say next, or why he’s even here.
“Awesome, isn’t he?” he asks, staring at the kid like he’s the only thing in the world that matters, and a lump forms at the back of my throat.
“Why are you here, Jace?” I ask softly, because despite how good it is to see him looking so well, I have no interest in catching up with friends right now.
“Because even the darkest days deserve a little bit of light,” he tells me softly, pushing one of the cups from his tray toward me, and I don’t bother asking what it is, knowing Jace it’s something I would never order for myself, but will still be delicious.
“I don’t need your help,” I snap too quickly, but his smile only softens.
“I know you don’t, you’re one of the strongest people I know, Lils, but on days like today, we all need a friend.” His words aren’t said with promises to make me feel better, or delivered with anything other than a genuine desire to be here for me.
Again, a strange feeling sparks inside of me, and I force myself to sit across from them and act like I’m not a mess inside.
Then Jace spends the next two hours telling Cash made up stories about me, and even though I tried to ignore them at first, it wasn’t long before I was jumping in and defending myself over his ridiculous notions.
The drink he brought me was as good as I expected, and the sugar hit it gave me was very much needed.
Jace doesn’t mention Logan even once, but I know from the haunted look in his eyes, that has been there ever since I met him, that he still feels the pain of losing his own sibling all the same.
We don’t talk about it, but our shared understanding is still there, and I appreciate it more than he could ever know.
When Cash excuses himself to use the bathroom before they leave, I know what’s coming, and I steel my spine in preparation.
“This dinner is a big deal to your mom and dad,” Jace starts simply, and I nod, not trusting myself to speak.
The last couple of hours didn’t just take my mind off losing Logan, it also reminded me how much I have missed by staying away from everyone. They might have all suffered the same loss as me, but they are healing together, and growing our family side by side.
“I’m not going to lie to you and say your absence isn’t noticed.
We’ve all learned to cope with what happened in different ways, but that doesn’t mean our family doesn’t need you.
” One thing I have always appreciated about Jace Conrad, is his inability to bullshit you.
What you see is what you get with him, and sometimes that's exactly what you need.
“I’m trying, Jace, every day,” I tell him truthfully, knowing that every single time that I get out of bed it’s a damn miracle, and he smiles.
“I know you are, Lils, you know better than anyone what it looks like when someone gives up.” He keeps his tone light, but I know we are both thinking of the time I had to shower him free of his own vomit.
“You just have to decide if it’s all worth it, remember?
” he winks, and I frown as Cash comes rushing back into the room.
“If what is worth it?” I ask, as he picks up the boy and moves toward my front door, and he doesn’t respond until he pulls open the door to leave.
“Fighting against the downward spiral you’re on,” he adds, repeating the same words I once said to him when he was the one drowning, and all I can do is stare at him wordlessly.
“Maybe we’ll see you at dinner later?” he tosses over his shoulder, before slamming the door behind him like he didn’t upheave my entire day.
The silence is deafening after his departure, and I end up doing something I haven’t done myself in over a year, and that’s rage cleaning my entire apartment.
Then once I’m done I take a shower, my mind still working one hundred miles a minute, knowing that if I pause for even a moment, I’ll back out.
Before I know it, my hair and makeup are done to perfection, and I have pulled on a sleek maroon dress.
It reaches my mid-thigh, long enough to cover the slip dress and stockings I am wearing beneath it, and when I survey myself in the mirror, I almost look like the old me.
Now all I have to do is leave my apartment.
The dinner starts in two hours, and if I leave now I can arrive perfectly in time, so why can’t I move?
Why can’t I make myself take the final step, exit my apartment and head to Black Hallows?
All my family will be there, all of them leaning on each other while they think of my twin, and I could lean on them too.
So why are my hands shaking at the thought of seeing them?
Maybe I just need a drink to take the edge of?
A harsh knock on my door startles me, but before I can make sense of it, I hear Max’s gruff voice through it.
“Lils, it’s me.” I hold my breath, scared he might hear me, but I don’t respond, he’s the last person I want to see right now, and from the thud that follows his words, I’m sure he knows it.
“I’ll be in my apartment if you need anything,” he adds in a muffled tone, before silence descends and I almost call out to stop him.