Chapter 24 Lily
LILY
By the time dinner rolls around later that night, things are tense, and not everyone knows why.
Rosie’s untimely departure without explanation has left my mom reeling, and with Zack remaining tight-lipped and more notably pissed off, it’s safe to say people are confused and things are on edge.
Thankfully, Elle and Marcus are too deep in their happy bubble with the kids to notice anything going on, but everyone else seems to sense something.
My dad is being unusually perceptive, flicking his gaze between me, Zack, and Max, as if he knows something we don’t, and I’m not the only one who has noticed.
Max has kept a firm hand on my thigh for the last two hours, and Zack has been drinking his body weight in whiskey, like he expects everything to explode.
Which wouldn't surprise me, even as I tried to focus on dinner, I couldn’t help but feel the tension from everyone else.
Jace has had a shit-eating grin on his face since the moment we all sat down, despite how many times Riley has elbowed him in the ribs.
He’s been wagging his brows at me any chance he gets, making Zack angrier and my boyfriend’s grip tighter.
Max was busy earlier, so I didn’t have a chance to tell him what went down with Zack in the pool, but he knows it's something, so he’s also watching me closely.
The only people not paying me any attention are Lincoln and Asher.
Well, in a way they are, because they have made sure that their gazes haven’t strayed in my direction even once.
In fact, they have barely even looked at each other, and I know I’m the reason why, like they are dimming down their love in my presence, and I can’t help but feel guilty.
Especially since my conversation with Ash, it’s clear he still thinks he doesn’t deserve to be happy with Lincoln and it kills me.
I know I should talk to Lincoln too, but I don’t have the same history with him as I do with Ash and any conversation we have will be a lot more tense and awkward.
Zack signals for another whiskey as the staff come and clear our plates, and when he meets my stare, he holds it boldly, before flicking it to Max and then quickly dropping his eyes back down.
I’m honestly not sure how we got here, and I never thought I would willingly think this, but I really wish I could talk to my therapist right now and ask for her help in this situation.
When things start to die down, Elle and Marcus are the first to excuse themselves, followed closely by Lincoln and Ash, who are still avoiding looking at me.
My parents soon follow, and when they do, panic starts to settle deep in my gut, at the thought of being left alone at the table with both my brother and my boyfriend.
Thankfully, Zack knocks back the remnants of his drink and stalks off in the direction of his room, before Max drops a kiss to my head and calls it a night.
I’m not sure which direction I should go in, but then Jace takes pity on me, nodding his head toward the beach, as Riley starts to pull a sleeping Cash into her arms. He kisses them both goodnight, before I quickly jump up from my seat and dart after him.
We both kick off our shoes and leave them on the patio, before we walk onto the sand toward the ocean. I know it won’t take long for him to say some sort of sassy barb, so I wait him out, letting my eyes trail over the waves.
“So, I thought I was the one who liked risky group sex,” he muses, knocking me with his elbow, like Riley kept doing to him, and I huff a laugh.
“Oh fuck off, that barely even counted as sex, not by your orgy standards anyway,” I shoot back, and his eyes widen in both surprise and pride.
It’s been a while since we’ve talked on any level, and it’s definitely been a while since I have given him shit back. It’s the pride and shock in his eyes that makes me realize, I must have really fallen into the pits of my grief and depression, but I’m trying, and I hope he sees that.
“Hey, I’m just impressed that’s all, I didn’t know you had it in you,” he responds with ease, as if we talk casually like this every day, before he nudges my shoulder with his. “You okay?”
I nod before I can even second guess his question. “Yeah, I think so, or trying to get there at least,” I tell him truthfully, and his pride-filled smile turns cocky.
“Yeah, getting fingerbanged in a pool by your older brother will do that for you,” he teases, and my cheeks burn as I shove him away from me, until he stumbles into the waves and chuckles deeply.
“I hate you.” It's a lie, we both know it, but in typical Jace Conrad fashion, his smirk remains in place.
“No you don’t, I don’t think you're capable of hating anyone.” He holds my stare as he says that, and there isn’t an ounce of insincerity in his tone, so much so that I have to look away from him.
We both go quiet, letting the sound of the waves wash over us, and it isn’t long before we are both looking up at the stars.
“You know, some days I miss Rachel so much that it hurts, like my chest physically aches from the pain of it,” he whispers, his fingers flexing slightly, and I half-wonder if he ever still craves the things that used to numb the pain of losing his sister.
“That pain is all I feel, every second of every day,” I reply truthfully, and he nods, letting his fingers reach out and intertwine with mine.
I know he is one of the few people in my entire world that I can be honest with, without him judging me.
We will always have this shared pain and understanding, and as much as I hate it, I also appreciate it.
Which is stupid, because I used to feel sorry for him.
I used to wonder how anybody could let themselves just stay in so much pain.
I remember the night he took too many pills and I had to force him to throw up.
How he looked as if he would rather die than still feel his sister’s absence, and I couldn’t understand why everything else he had wasn’t enough to save him.
Now I do. Now I understand so much that it almost kills me.
“I hate it when people say it gets better with time,” he finally responds, scoffing a little as he says it, and I can see just how much of a mask he still wears around everyone else.
“Why? Because they’re liars?”
At that he laughs, the sound rich and deep, and filled with so much pain and love that it warms my chest. “Yeah, but also because it gets worse, I mean look at this life we have, Lils.” He gestures widely to our surroundings, as if in disbelief.
“I know you’re probably more than used to it by now, but Rachel and I grew up in a crack-ridden trailer, even the days we dreamed of escaping that, were never this good,” he scoffs, shaking his head.
“Not only did she not escape, but now I have to live a life that is so filled with love and wealth that some days I can barely stand it.”
I nod slowly, processing his words and pain, as my mind drifts to Logan and our parents.
Our world came crashing down before we were even old enough to understand what it meant, but in that tragedy we found better than we could have ever hoped for.
Now here I am, without him, but still blessed with our entire family, who have done nothing but ensure I’m okay since the moment we all lost him.
Now the guilt is almost as strong as the grief, as I realize just how selfish I’ve been.
My parents lost their son and had to watch their daughter wither away, my brother lost his sibling, and instead of grieving him, he had to stay in and take care of me.
Max lost both of us, and despite that, he still showed up even when I didn’t want him to.
And hell, Lincoln and Asher had only just found happiness with him before it was ripped away, and then what?
I punished them for it? I shake my head, as all of their love, pain, and sacrifice washes over me.
The last year has been the worst of my life, but it’s also been theirs too, and I’m only just starting to notice.
And what would I have done without them?
How many times did Zack carry me to bed because I was too drunk to walk there?
How many meals did Max cook for me just to ensure I ate something?
How many calls from my parents went unanswered, when they were already down a child?
Bile rises in the back of my throat as their pain collides with my own, and I have to inhale deeply to force it back down.
Why am I still wasting so much time when we never know how long we have left?
“I’m in love and I will never get to tell him,” I whisper, the emotion clear in my voice even as it shakes.
“And they loved him so much, and all I have done is punish them for it, when they lost him too.” I don’t have to say Lincoln and Asher’s names for him to understand what I mean, and he nods thoughtfully.
“Listen, I’m the last person who is going to judge you for where you choose to place the blame,” he grunts, and I know he’s referring to his own issues that he held with Asher, or I guess with the Donovan family in general.
“But sometimes we have to swallow our pride and accept our losses, Viper, before they drag us down with them.”
His fingers absent-mindedly rub the scar on his wrist, his eyes still on the stars, and I swallow thickly, desperately needing to change the subject.
“Any advice on my current predicament?” I ask, finally putting a smirk back on his face, as he brings his stare back to mine.
“You and Zack huh? What Max wasn’t enough man for you?” I know he’s only joking and it feels nice to talk about something normal for once.
“Oh come on, I’m sure the mighty playboy Jace Conrad has slept with his fair share of inappropriate people.” We all know he was throwing his seed far and wide before he met Riley, he didn’t exactly make a secret of it.
At that he chokes out a laugh. “Of course I have, the one currently in my bed was the most inappropriate of all, and she will have my last name soon, even if she doesn’t know it yet.
By everyone’s standards she was so wrong for me and we should have been doomed to fail, but I just couldn’t stop, and trust me I tried. ”
I nod solemnly, knowing the dark hole he was in when he met her and how hard he fought to climb out of it. A fight he still no doubt feels every day, but here he is thriving more than ever.
“But that’s how I knew it wasn’t wrong,” he adds a little softer, looking up at the stars. “How could it be when I’d found the one person to give me purpose, a reason to live, to see me, all of me, and love me anyway.”
“I mean in Riley’s defense, I’m pretty sure she tried not to,” I joke, and he laughs again.
“Yeah, but some people are just meant to be,” he tells me firmly, bringing his stare back to mine.
“Zack is your family, your brother, but so am I.” His declaration sends a warm feeling through my chest, as I’m reminded of the bond we have.
“And just like me and you, you two aren’t actually related.
So if he’s what you need to survive then fucking hold on to him, Lils, and Max, and don’t ever let go, because this family can’t lose anyone else and I refuse to mourn another sister. ”
Tears form in my eyes and all I can do is reach out and slide my hand into his, squeezing it tightly, as I joke, “Of course your advice is to fuck them both.” Jace only shrugs.
“You know how much I love an orgy.” Is his only response, before he squeezes my shoulder with a wink, before he starts to back away. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m sure my girl is waiting for me.” He turns to leave, but not before calling over his shoulder, “I wonder which one is waiting for you.”
I’m not sure how long I stand there after he’s gone, but it’s long enough for most of the lights to be off in the house when I finally return.
I rinse the sand off my feet, before stepping back inside and locking the door behind me.
Jace’s words play on repeat in my head as I walk up the stairs, my brain wondering how the hell I am going to face the reality of what I want. Because how do you choose?
When your heart is in love with two people, who do you give it to?