Chapter 30 #2
“He looked right at me and said ‘I like this one, can I keep him?’, as if people can just claim someone that easily,” he scoffs in annoyance, a reaction my twin often pulled from people, but I can see his edges softening at the memory.
“I came to learn that’s just how he was,” he sighs, a wistful sort of sound escaping him, as he recalls my brother’s first words to him, and I can’t help but smile.
“Yeah, my brother tended to be like a spoiled child in a toy store, if he saw something he wanted, he didn’t let anything get in his way.”
Lincoln nods at my words, still holding my stare.
“That’s putting it politely, he is a pain in the ass,” he laughs slightly, before realizing his mistake.
“Was,” he corrects, his eyes losing that small flicker of light, and I feel tears burning the back of my own.
“Ash told me about your conversation,” he pushes on, quickly changing the subject.
“I just wanted to say thank you for that, he really needed it.”
I remember when Logan first started seeing Lincoln.
It was casual, or so they thought, but I saw the look in my brother’s eyes when he talked about him.
It was the same look he had all those years when he was flirting with Asher, filled with lust, hope, and just the absolute certainty that they were for him.
I didn’t understand at the time, how could I?
But now? Now I understand him more than I ever did, because here is the ruthless Lincoln Blackwell, clearly crumbling beneath his demons, but his main concern still isn’t himself. It’s everyone else, as usual.
I saw how closed off he was, even after Elle pulled him into the family, he still kept himself on the outskirts, like he wasn’t needed.
Logan must have worn him down to get him to even agree to be together officially, and he didn’t say yes for himself, he said yes to make my brother happy.
And he did make him happy. Everyone always said Logan was the good twin, the happy twin, but he wasn’t happy, not really, he just acted how people wanted him to so they would think he was okay.
Only I knew the extent of the sadness in his heart, but I stopped seeing it the second Lincoln agreed to be his, because he finally found someone to love him the way he deserved to be loved.
And instead of being grateful for that fact, I have been punishing him for it.
“Lincoln, I’m sorry,” I start, but he’s already shaking his head, as if he can read my every thought.
“No, don’t apologize to me,” he grits the demand through his teeth, a hint of that ruthless edge pulsing beneath his surface.
“You have every right to be angry with me, it’s my fault all of this happened, I am the reason Logan is dead.
” This time my brother’s name rolls off his tongue easily, and I half wonder how many times he has said those last three words, to be able to say them now with such conviction.
“I killed my father, it doesn’t matter that he deserved it, that he was an evil man, that’s what started all of this.
Then I killed so many others because I thought I was better than them, that I was ridding the world of evil, when in truth I am just as bad as they were, worse even. ”
I don’t know all the people he’s killed, or why, after Logan was taken everything is a blur to me, even now, but his words strike something inside of me.
He thinks he’s evil, and I don’t know him well, but I know him well enough to know that’s bullshit.
An evil man wouldn’t save Elle’s life when she needed him most, an evil man wouldn’t walk into the Devil’s mansion and save my niece from a fate worse than hell, and an evil man wouldn’t kill in the name of love.
But above all that, my brother wouldn’t fall in love with an evil man.
A man with a serial killer for a father?
Sure. One with darkness in their eyes and a blackness in their chest?
Absolutely. I know both Lincoln and Asher have committed murder, more times than I care to know about, and probably a whole hoard of other crimes, but neither of them are evil.
They aren’t even bad, even if they believe they are.
“Vivian wanted revenge,” Lincoln adds, her name jolting through me like a knife.
“She wanted to hurt me, and she took them because she knew I loved them, because she knew it was the only way to truly get to me, and not a day goes by that I don’t regret it.
That’s what got him killed, letting him love me, and if I could go back and change that, I would. ”
His confession startles me slightly. “You would take back him loving you?” I ask in disbelief, and his response is instant.
“I would take back even knowing him if it meant he would still be alive.”
The conviction in which he says that causes the broken pieces of my heart to crack even further.
How could he say that? How could he even think it?
My brother was so in love with him, and it’s only now in this moment I am starting to understand why.
Why this beautiful and broken boy caught his attention and captivated him so thoroughly.
It’s not his looks, his status, his money, or even his brain, it’s this, his total lack of belief that he’s worth something.
His total sense of selflessness, and putting everyone’s needs before his own.
It’s why Elle trusted him on sight, it’s why Marcus and Jace chose him as a brother, and why Zack put him on his payroll.
It’s why Logan fell for him so easily, and why he managed to sneak past even the steely defenses of Asher Donovan.
Not because he’s evil, but because he’s more loving and caring than any person I have even seen.
“You know I’ve blamed you for a long time,” I reply slowly, hating the way he nods at my words in understanding as I speak.
“I’ve thought the very same things you’re saying right now, and cursed your name so damn loudly I’m surprised you’ve never heard it, but it’s only now I realize how wrong I was.
” His head whips back toward mine, and when I see him open his mouth to respond, I place my arm on his and push on.
“I wished it was you instead of him, or Ash, or literally anyone else, but knowing Logan, I know he wouldn’t have wanted that, that he wouldn’t have survived that. ”
This time he huffs, pulling out from under my grip. “I wish it was me too.” Once again his hand plays with the chain around his neck, and my eyes go back to the scar.
“What happened to you?” I whisper, but he’s already shaking his head.
“Come on, Lincoln, talk to me, please, or at least look at me and let me know we’re okay.
Which I know is more than I deserve after the way I have treated you, but I can’t take you feeling guilty, not when I know how much Logan loved you. ”
My pleas don’t bring his gaze back to mine, in fact they don’t even seem to affect him at all, but just as I am about to give up, he whispers, “You know you look just like him.” I freeze when he starts speaking, blindsided by whatever direction he is taking this in.
“Which I know is a stupid thing to say to a twin, but you do. Both smart, strong, beautiful, and so in sync with one another I’m not sure you ever even realized it.
” The compliments only make my broken heart ache even more, but for the first time since I came out here, I see a small smile tugging on the corner of his mouth.
“You would speak the same, have the same mannerisms, you even used to mirror one another’s movements.
Everyone always spoke about how different you were, but all I ever saw were all the ways you were the same.
That’s why I haven’t been able to look at you, not because of a sense of guilt, but because I can’t bear it.
I look at you and I see him, all the best parts of him, and it fucking kills me. ”
Tears are streaming down my face now, and once again I reach out and force his hand around mine, something that only makes his smile a little wider.
“I saw a video of when they beat him, I catalogued every single hit they gave him and paid it back tenfold, the images of his pain seared into my mind forever,” he pushes on, his words hurting me more than I thought possible.
“I hear his screams of pain, his pleas for them to leave Asher alone, and the last words he uttered for you, all of it on repeat in my ears every second of every day, but it’s nothing compared to the pain I feel when I look at you.
Because when I see you, I see his light, even if it’s dimmed right now, it still burns just as bright as his did, and it only deepens the hollowness inside of me. ”
His words render me speechless, the lump in my throat so thick that I feel like I might choke on it, but still he goes on.
“I knew I was different when I was eight years old and I killed my father, and didn’t feel any remorse.
I prided myself on being able to control my emotions, on being unfeeling.
Even with my brothers, and then Elle and Cass, I did what needed to be done to keep them safe, but that wasn’t enough for your brother.
No, he had to worm his way deep inside the barren space in my chest, the one I locked down tight after my mother died, and still he wanted more.
He wanted me, every part of me, in a way I never thought I’d be able to show up for another person, but he taught me how.
He taught me how to love him, but not how to let him go. ”
The last word catches in his throat, and it’s only now that I realize we’re both crying, tears stain his cheeks and I can’t stop myself from throwing my arms around him like I know Logan would, forcing him to accept my comfort.
The action only makes him cry harder, and I do my best to hold him together, but I don’t think I’m as good as my brother at making people feel better.
“I miss him so much,” he gasps into my hair, his arms finally closing around me and squeezing me tightly, and I nod in his hold.
“I know, me too,” I cry, wishing there was something I could say to take away his pain, but I know there isn’t.
His pain is the same as mine, and sometimes we just have to let ourselves feel it.
We stay like that for a while, both of us taking comfort in the other, until we hear the door of the main house open and close, making Lincoln sigh.
“Still stalking me, Dark Prince?” Lincoln calls out, and I flick my eyes over my shoulder, to find Asher walking toward us slowly.
“Always,” Ash grunts, not stopping until he is standing over us. “Everything okay?” he asks, looking beyond concerned as he takes us both in, but I nod.
“Everything’s fine, we were just taking a moment to feel our pain out loud, you know?” I reply, and his hand reaches up and presses the scar from the bullet he took for my brother.
“Yeah, I know.”
Then I pass him the whiskey bottle, and we spend the next hour getting tipsy, telling stupid stories about my brother, and it turns into the best night I’ve had all year.
And it’s at this moment, that I truly know that I won’t let Max or Zack go.
I will have them both, because we never really know when a day could be our last.