Chapter 40 Lily
LILY
I’m watching the clock count down to the end of my appointment.
As much as I have been taking an active part in therapy lately, the text I read before I came in here is burning a hole in my pocket.
Things have been intense since the conversation with my mom last week, and I know the guys have noticed, but I was waiting until I could discuss it today with Dr. Hollis before I talked to them about it.
Except now, all I can think about is getting home to the guys.
Max texted me, saying he and Zack were heading home early and would be waiting for me, and I don’t have to be a genius to know what they are doing.
It’s what has had me distracted for almost all of my session today.
Dr. Hollis of course checked in about my meds, which have been great, and asked how I have been.
I told her about the talk with my mom and she made a lot of notes, asking how I feel since I opened up.
“So if you were brave enough to tell your mother how you feel, why haven’t you told Zack?” Dr. Hollis asks, staring at me expectantly, and I shrug, picking at the seam of my dress.
“I don’t know, I guess I’m scared,” I say, suddenly feeling nervous to talk about it, but she doesn’t judge me.
“Scared that he won’t feel the same, or scared you might lose him?” I hate how perceptive she is, and I hate that I see straight through her tactics.
“Both,” I reply firmly, and she smiles.
“But isn’t that love?” she replies, “Being scared but taking the leap anyway.”
“And what if I fall?” I ask, already shaking my head at the thought. I know deep down that Max truly loves me, but does Zack feel the same? I think he does, but how can I be sure unless I tell him how I feel? “I just can’t take another heartbreak,” I add, and she nods her head in understanding.
“Lily, you have been through a horrible trauma, one that will always be a part of you, but wasn’t loving Logan worth it? You loved him so much that his loss broke your heart, but you wouldn’t take it back, would you? Because it doesn’t matter that you lost him, loving him was still worth it.”
I open my mouth to respond but then close it, because she’s right, that is love.
That is what had Elle letting Marcus in, even after she had almost lost everything.
It’s what had Jace fighting for a second chance so he could get to be with Riley, and it’s what has Lincoln and Asher still standing, even though their hearts have been shredded.
It’s what had my parents choosing Logan and me to be part of their family, and it’s what made us love them back despite the pain we were in.
Love is what caused my brother’s last words to be directed solely at me, and now here I am wasting the life he no longer gets to live.
How many days did I stay in bed crying because I couldn’t accept he was gone?
How many meals did I skip because I was missing him too much to eat?
How much time did I let pass me by because I was so focused on the time he lost?
I know I was grieving him, but I was also robbing myself of the joys I could still be having. How stupid is that?
That thought stays with me the whole way home.
From when I park in the garage, and step into the elevator up to my apartment, knowing that despite not being home, I will still find the guys there waiting for me.
When I push inside, I find all the living areas empty, so I head straight to the bedroom and find my sheets freshly rumpled.
Sheets I have been sleeping in every night between them, because I have finally found my forever, and from the looks of things they have also found theirs too.
Heat pulses in my core instantly, as I try to focus on the words in my mind, but before I can continue to look for them, Zack stalks out of my bathroom with only a towel around his waist.
My tongue goes thick in my mouth, and he spots me and smiles.
“There you are,” he beams, stalking straight to me and pulling me in for a kiss, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.
His skin is still warm and damp from the shower, the heat of it divine as he swallows my sigh, before pulling back and adding, “I missed you, sweetheart.” He says it so matter of factly that my legs almost buckle, as my therapy revelation comes back to me.
“I love you,” I blurt out, surprising us both, and I open my mouth again to try and explain myself, but it comes out again. “I love you, I mean, no, wait not no, I do love you, I just didn’t mean to say it like that.” I stumble over the words as Zack stares at me stoically.
“Lils,” he starts, his tone only making me more nervous, so I take a deep breath and straighten my shoulders.
“No, you know what, I did mean to say it like that, because I love you, and I’m done pretending I don’t.
I love you, I’m in love with you, and I’m sick of not saying it.
I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember, I always knew I felt differently with you, and when things started with Max I was using him as a distraction.
Which is dumb, because it didn’t distract me, I just fell in love with him too, until all I wanted was the two of you.
And I know I lost my way when Logan died, but if Logan taught us anything, it’s that life is short and we should always spend it with the people we love, so I love you and I love Max, and I want us all to be together.
” I rush all the words out before I can talk myself out of it, as Max appears from the bathroom, also with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.
Zack continues to stare at me and I prepare myself for the worst, but then he grabs me and pulls me against him, picking me up, and wrapping my legs around his waist. He moves until he can slam me back against the wall, kissing me fiercely and possessively until I feel like I might run out of air, before he eventually pulls back.
“I love you too,” he whispers, surprising me. “But way to steal my thunder,” he sighs, dropping me back to my feet and turning us toward where Max is approaching us.
Max leans in and kisses me softly. “Hey, baby,” he mumbles, before looking at Zack expectantly.
My brother takes a deep breath as he stares between us both, looking for the right words, before he sighs again.
“You’re right, losing Logan did teach us an important lesson, and for too long I have been letting the parameters of our relationship be decided by what I thought was right and wrong.
But how could it be wrong to fall in love with the two most important people in my life? ”
His admission hangs in the air between us all, as he looks between us both, before he turns his attention fully back to me, pressing me into the wall again.
“Lils, I never saw myself falling in love, especially not with you,” he laughs, brushing his thumb over my cheek as he tips my head back.
“But this last year things have been different between us. I was drawn to you more than ever, and I couldn’t explain why.
I thought it was just losing Logan and trying to navigate ourselves through our grief, but now I know better.
Even after you were brave enough to say fuck it and go after what you want, I still tried to deny it, but there is no denying what this is.
” Leaning down, he drops his head to mine and breathes me in.
“I’m in love with you, and I don’t care what anyone thinks, because life is too short to not spend it with who you love.
” Tears stream down my face as he talks, his words ruining me and remaking me in the process, as I realize the two men I love, actually love me back.
Zack kisses me again, slow this time, tender, his thumbs swiping away the tears that are falling as he seals his words into my soul.
Max watches from beside us, standing firm at our side, until Zack pulls away from me and shifts his attention to him.
“Max,” he sighs, his name sounding like a prayer.
“You’re my best friend, you’ve always been my best friend and I’ve always loved you,” he tells him firmly, taking a step toward him, and though I’m not sure what has transpired between them today, I can tell it has changed them.
“You’ve always had my back, always been there when I needed you, and saved my life more times than I can count.
” Max’s stare drops to the scar on my brother’s chest, and I have to stop myself from reaching out to them.
“You have been a constant in my life, and you did that all while being in love with me, and I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.
” Max opens his mouth to interrupt him, but my brother presses his hand across his mouth firmly.
“I’m the boss right now,” he tells him with a soft smile.
“Your strength astounds me, it always has, but it’s your heart that made me fall in love with you, and to know I get to share that heart with the same person who has half of mine, well, I couldn’t think of anything better. ”
Max is quiet at first, not used to hearing my brother express his emotions so freely, but then he smirks.
“If I knew fucking you would have got you to admit you were in love with me, I’d have done it years ago,” he muses, before grabbing him by the back of the neck and pulling him in for a kiss. “I love you too.”
I watch them kiss for a few seconds, before Max pulls away and drags me into the fold. “And I love you too, princess,” he adds, kissing me too, until both his arms are wrapped around me and Zack.
When I pull away, I look at them both in awe. “So we’re doing this?” I ask, staring between them. “We’re all together, officially?” They both nod in unison, before Max’s stare turns dark and lustful.
“All together,” he repeats, stepping away from us. “And there is only one way to celebrate.” He drops his towel and my eyes widen as I take in his long, thick length.