Chapter Lily
LILY
TEN MONTHS LATER
It’s been two years since Logan was killed, and for the first time since I lost him, I’ve come to his grave.
I don’t know what I expected to feel when I came here, whether it would make his loss feel more real, or if I’d feel nothing at all, and the truth is, I feel both.
Seeing his life reduced to nothing but a large lump of marble, no matter how beautiful, makes my heart ache.
But at the same time, I look at it and feel no connection to it at all.
It doesn’t make me remember him any better or feel closer to him, no, my family does that.
I feel him in the dinners we have together every Sunday, in the jokes that Cassie tells us that I know her uncle taught her.
In the movie marathons that Lincoln and Asher invite me to every month, as I teach them more of his favorite films from when we were kids.
I feel him at the beach at our house in the Hamptons, and in the talks with our parents about the memories of our childhood.
I even feel him in the wing of the hospital my parents had built for him in his honor, as I think about what a great doctor he would have been.
He’s everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
I have a portrait of him in my office, at the new house that Zack, Max, and I bought together, and his name is now inked across my ribs below my heart, next to a little sun.
I force myself to look at pictures of us over the years, and even turned all our dumb videos into home movies that I can watch whenever I miss him.
It still doesn’t make his loss any easier, but it’s better than having no part of him at all.
The truth is, I don’t think there will ever be a second of my life that I don’t miss my twin brother, but I just have to remember to not let my grief swallow me whole.
I still see Dr. Hollis once a month and take my meds, albeit a lower dose, but I don’t want to ever let myself fall again.
I even got myself a job, working with children in the foster system alongside Jace, and between the two of us, I really feel like we make a difference.
It pains me to admit it, but he really is my best friend, and I have come to love his daily Starbucks surprise.
Elle and Marcus are kept busy, with both Cassie and Kennedy now running rings around them, and Cash corrupts the girls any chance he gets, much to Asher’s annoyance.
He and Lincoln still aren’t the same since losing my brother, and I don’t think they ever will be.
Their love for one another is the only thing keeping them going, and I’m so glad I forgave them.
Standing side by side, the three of us look down at what remains of my twin, and I can’t help but reach out and grip both their hands in mine. “I can’t believe it’s been two years.” I know they hear the emotion in my voice, but I never hide it, not from them.
“He’d be so proud of you,” Asher replies, squeezing my hand gently like I have seen him do with Cass, and I have to smile.
I spend a lot of time with them now, and every day I see a new reason why my brother chose to love them.
“He’d be proud of you too,” I tell him with a smile. “Both of you,” I add, flicking my stare to Lincoln, who remains silent at my side.
His demons still haunt him, and I think they will forever, but I know he won’t let them take him, not as long as Asher is by his side.
“We should go,” Lincoln grunts, barely looking at my brother’s headstone, and I know coming here is hard for him, but he does it. Not only for my brother, but for Asher too, and I appreciate him being here with me now.
They have their own ritual planned for today, one I am not privy to, but that’s okay, because when I turn around, I find Zack and Max both waiting for me.
Zack walks to meet us, pulling Asher in for a hug as they pass, before slapping Lincoln on the shoulder and squeezing it tightly.
I don’t hear what he says to them, before he moves past us and goes to take his own private moment with our brother.
Max offers them both a handshake, before we say goodbye and he pulls me into his embrace. “How’s my girl?” he asks, and I think out of everyone, he has been the most scared about me taking this step.
I know how far I have come in my grief, how much better I manage it now, but Max was the one there with me in the trenches. He saw more than most, and lost me because of it. So I know he worries more than anyone about how things will affect me, so for him I force a smile to myself.
“I’m okay,” I tell him truthfully. Yeah, being here sucks and it’s painful, but it was time, and I’m glad I did it.
Max only nods, flicking his stare to Zack before coming back to me and smirking. “You know he’s over there asking Logan if he can marry his sister,” he tells me matter of factly, and I snort a laugh.
The two of them have been talking about marriage lately and dropping hints, and every single time I act dumb just to mess with them.
Once our relationship became public knowledge, officially, it was a little awkward.
My mom and dad tried to be supportive, but it was still weird for them to see us all together at first. Things are better now, and no one in our family bats an eyelid, so I’d marry them both in a heartbeat, but they aren’t the only people we have to worry about.
All three of us go out on dates all the time, but most of the PDA is always between Max and I, so we don’t push Zack into the headlines.
He said he doesn’t care, but after all the hard work he has done, it wouldn’t be fair to him.
None of us care what anyone thinks of our relationship, but we all know some people are assholes.
I wish we could live in a world where everyone minded their own damn business, but here we are.
“Oh, is that right?” I ask, pulling out of his embrace, coming to lean on the car beside him so I can watch Zack.
“Yep, something about being madly in love and wanting to make it official,” he sighs with a shrug, going along with my ploy.
“I mean, technically we’re already family, and share a last name, so shouldn’t it be you two getting married?” I ask, arching my brow at him, and his smile drops as he realizes I’m right.
Zack comes back at that point looking between us. “Everything okay?” he asks, and I smile and nod.
“You better go and buy another ring, Mr. Royton,” I tell him sweetly, patting his chest, before I push away from them to climb into the car.
The two of them stay dumbfounded as they work out that I found the ring they have been hiding back at the house.
I’m pretty sure I found it the day they brought it home, given they didn’t exactly pick a good hiding spot, but still I let them have their fun and think they had a secret.
Honestly I’d go down to the court house and marry them both tomorrow if I could, but we all know that’s off the table.
However, if they want me to wear a ring and the three of us can have a non-legal ceremony just for us, that would be perfectly fine with me.
When the two of them climb into the car, I meet Zack’s stare in the mirror and look at him expectantly, but he just shakes his head in disbelief. It isn’t until we are back on the road that I really start to think about what Max said as his joke.
“Do you think Logan would have cared?” I ask, causing them both to look at me. “About us I mean, do you think he would have approved?” I voice my biggest fear and watch Zack swallow thickly, telling me he has thought the same thing.
I know my twin would have wanted me to be happy, but how would he have felt knowing that I found that happiness not just with Max, but Zack too.
“I don’t know, sweetheart,” Zack sighs, clearly as troubled as I am about it, but then Max interrupts us.
“I know,” he says matter of factly, and our attention snaps to him, waiting for him to elaborate, and he sighs.
“Look, I probably should have brought this up before now, but it took me a while to remember it, and truly understand what he meant,” he starts, looking between us both.
“It was on Elle’s wedding day, right before you and I danced together.
” He nods his head at me, refreshing the memory in my head, and it’s only now that I remember Logan was talking with Max when I approached him.
My twin had seen us together that morning and I’d told him it wasn’t serious, I was sure he saw the lie for what it was, but he let me tell it anyway.
“He asked me what I was going to do when you found out about us.” His words are directed at Zack this time, who is splitting his attention between the road and Max, his hands flexing tightly around the wheel.
“I told him that I’d be honest and tell him how I felt about you, but then he shook his head and said ‘No, I meant when he finds out you went after his girl’.
I never knew what he meant then, but now…
” he trails off, as if unsure what else to say, as Zack and I sit there dumbfounded.
“Now I think he saw the three of us before we ever did.”
We’re all quiet after that, no doubt lost in our own heads, especially after what Max just revealed, because could it be true?
Could my twin, the person who knew me better than anyone else in the world, have seen what I needed before I ever did myself?
He himself couldn’t choose between two people after all, and maybe that’s what the both of us were always destined for.
Two people to share our hearts with, and since he doesn’t get his happily ever after, I need to make sure I get mine.
When we get back to the house, I don't say anything until we get inside, trying to work out how fast I could logistically make everything work.
Zack tosses his keys on the console table by the door, before following me into the main part of the house and asking, “Shall I make some coffee?”