Chapter 10 #2
“Honey, I don’t know who you’re trying to fool but look at me, it’s clear I died in the seventies,” the woman at the computer says as she gestures at her hair.
“I got your dating profile all set up. I added DTF to it in big letters because you really need to get laid. Maybe you’ll be less…
you if you get laid. Like everyone in this room died a horrible death, and still, I think we all feel most sad for you. ”
“So he’s a necromancer,” I say in Shaarunen.
“Yes, and a very talented one too. He can heal their wounds and make them look like they’re still alive.
The guy with the hole in his head is probably one of the bodies he’s supposed to be examining…
which is why he isn’t healed up. But Mickey could heal him if he wanted.
Just don’t ever tell him I said he’s talented. ”
“Understood.”
Riley turns to Mickey and asks incredulously, “You’re resurrecting the dead to make you dating profiles?”
“Scott, I thought I told you to lock the door!” Mickey complains.
“But I know Riley is your friend, and you have so few… living friends that you really should spend more time with them,” Scott says.
“You really should,” the woman agrees. “You’re just so pitiful.”
Mickey groans and slumps down into a chair.
“I just want to nap. And they keep tossing all of these bodies at me. ‘Mickey, find out how this person died,’ and ‘Mickey, you have to actually examine the body,’ oh, and ‘Mickey, you can’t just reanimate a medical examiner to do the job for you.’ Joke’s on you, Lieutenant, I did just that.
” He waves to the quiet guy studiously staring at some charts in the corner.
Riley seems to assess the situation. “You… are the medical examiner… are you not? Like… isn’t that your job? To examine dead bodies?”
Mickey sighs loudly and then sets his head on the table. “Tommy, figure out how that bloke died.”
“Right away, sir!”
“I thought about helping,” Scott, who opened the door for us, says.
“Looks like… you’re missing…” I trail off since the man probably already knows he’s missing half his ear and… a part of his head.
Mickey perks up. “He speaks!”
“He’s… learned questionable English,” Riley says.
“I heard you taught him using your erotica,” Mickey teases with a grin.
Riley glowers at the man as Kit’s nose starts twitching. Mickey, noticing it, opens up a bag of mini cookies which he holds out, and Kit ditches Riley in a heartbeat to sit on Mickey’s lap and nibble on a cookie.
“I heard you were the one who found Torin,” Riley says.
“I was! I thought he was dead and he looked to be in really good condition, so I was going to… call it in.” Mickey sighs. “I really wanted to use him to finish some chores around the house. Look at those muscles. He could have tiled my whole bathroom floor without breaking a sweat.”
“You can still use him for chores,” Riley offers.
“He’s a god! You can’t make a god do chores!”
“I sure can, and I’m not going to bat an eye. I was going to teach him how to do laundry today. My plan is to end up having to do nothing while he does everything.”
“He’s a god! I’m all for making others do things for me, but I think I draw the line at ‘god washing my underwear.’”
“Eh, he likes it,” Riley says.
I smirk at him. “If you give me a treat, I’ll do anything you want, you sexy beast.”
Riley’s excitement over making me his maid seems to drop as he scowls at me over that one.
“He’s hilarious. I love it. What other sex words did you teach him?” Mickey asks curiously.
“I taught him many things. How to ride a bike, how to get on the subway, how to eat food he’s never eaten before. I’m like a god to him.”
“Sure you are,” Mickey says.
“So, can you show us where the Door Torin used to come here is?”
“Yeah, of course. I’ll close up here and go now.”
“Can… can you just leave work right now?” Riley asks, sounding concerned when this guy is obviously not.
“Yeah, they’ll still be dead when I get back,” Mickey says as he heads toward the door. “Tommy, input that data while I’m gone. Joy, you’re driving.”
“What do I do when I’m finished labeling all of these?” Scott asks.
“Whatever you want. Come on, let’s go. I was thinking about seeing if I could find a dead masseuse anywhere. So if you hear of one, let me know,” Mickey says as he hurries out the door with us following.
“Yeah, I’m often on the lookout for dead masseuses,” Riley quips. “Have you tried looking in the paper?”
“I actually put an ad up online and then some guy was like, ‘How much would you give me for one,’ and… I was ninety percent sure he was just going to go kill one, but that ten percent still made me wonder if he just like… had one lying around. I’m not sure which was worse.”
Riley shakes his head. “You are out of control.”
Joy begins talking to Mickey about why he should do his job properly, and Riley looks over at me.
“This… Door. Are you just looking at it?” he asks in Shaarunen.
“No, I need to go through it. I need to get something from my world.”
Riley is quiet for a moment. “You’re coming back?”
I beam at him. “Are you going to miss me for the five minutes I’ll be gone?”
“I was just hoping I’d have my bed back,” he says.
“You will if the Door fails and I can’t get back. Took me a damn long time to get that one up and running.”
Riley, or actually Kit, stares at me for a long while. Then Kit jumps from Riley’s shoulder and onto mine.
“Kit, what are you doing? Get your ass back here,” Riley barks, but Kit is too busy checking out my shirt. She paws it open at the neck, like she’s just going to dive in.
Riley drags her back as Kit flails, very displeased that her fun has been ruined, and I realize my own fun is about to be ruined when we near one of those monstrosities that I’ve managed to avoid thus far.
“I refuse. Where are my horses?” I demand.
“Out eating grass. You can visit them later.”
I shake my head while he tries to urge me on. “I will not allow that thing to consume me.”
Riley gestures at the creature. “It’s a car. It’s inanimate. It will not eat you… probably.”
I glare at the wretched thing as Riley peels it open and starts pushing me inside. I have to assume he’s enjoying every minute of this, if his grin is any indication. I have wandered into this world and found a sadist.
“It’s fine, I promise. It only eats the testicles of men once a month, and I think Mickey already fed it its quota of testicles for the month.”
“I assume you are joking, but it also sounds like a fitting sacrifice for such a wretched creature,” I growl, cupping my balls. “I will protect them.”
“What is even happening?” Mickey asks. “It’s refreshing not to be the weirdest one in the room, but I also feel like I’m being left out since I don’t know what you two are saying.”
“Good job protecting those nuts,” Riley says as he crams me in and then starts wrapping a flat rope around me. If he pulled this out in bed, I’d be all for it, but it’s clear that he’s planning to strap me in so the beast can pluck out my testicles!
I fight the strap suctioning me down, and while it initially has some give, it suddenly snaps tight, refusing to let me move. “What are you doing to me?”
“Calm down. It’s called a seat belt. Have you ever had bondage during sex?”
“Of course.”
“It’s like that.”
“The car is going to fornicate with me because you will not?”
“Depends on how good you are,” Riley says.
“I’m uncertain whether this is a punishment or a reward,” I comment, well aware that Riley is a sarcastic man who is getting far too much enjoyment out of this.
“I don’t know either,” Riley says as he gets in on the other side of the car and straps himself down as well.
“So you want to be sexed by the car but not by me?”
“Yes, that’s definitely it,” Riley replies while the dead woman begins to move the car.
“I do not enjoy this,” I announce in English so everyone is aware of my displeasure.
“Which part? Being near Riley or being in the car? I have to assume it’s the Riley part,” Mickey says.
“I am delightful, thank you very much,” Riley declares.
I press my head against the glass as I watch the world zoom on by until the woman hits a bump and my head smashes into the window. Riley starts laughing like it’s the funniest thing in the world, and I look over at him so he can see my glower.
“You’re like a child. Both mystified and horrified.”
“As long as you are entertained, I will continue to suffer for your smile.”
That only makes him cackle while the death machine zooms off with us locked inside. Why is he so delightfully attractive when he does such evil things?
I notice some buttons, so I press one to distract myself and watch as the window zips down and then back up, down and then back up.
I gaze into the depths from which it comes from, mystified.
In my world, we have to use our hands to push open the windows.
Then I see another button, which I of course push, but it merely offers a dim light.
“Such strange magic,” I say in English.
“It’s the power of those testicles we feed it,” Riley states.
“What the hell are you teaching him?” Mickey asks, looking back at us.
“The wonders of our world,” Riley says matter-of-factly.
“What other strange shit has he taught you?” Mickey asks as I pull up a knob before pushing it back down, only to pull it up again.
“I have made it erect,” I announce.
Riley grins. “Only thing you’ve made erect so far.”
I scowl at him before turning to Mickey. “He has taught me many things. Most of which I wish I’d never learned,” I say in English while I pull a new lever that opens the entire door as we speed along. Does this mean I should leap from its ball-consuming clutches?
“Close it!” Riley cries, diving across my lap and jerking the door closed just as another car makes funny noises at us. “You nearly got the door ripped off.”
“That would have been fantastic because then I could have leapt out and found a horse.”
Riley sighs as he sets his hand on my thigh to push himself back toward his seat. I eye that hand and question why it doesn’t just remain there because it could definitely make something erect, alright.
He simply uses me as a surface to push himself back into position before he snatches up my hands.
“Is this romance blooming?” I inquire.
“No, it’s me keeping you from touching anything else so you don’t murder anyone.”
“How boring.”
When we reach our destination, Joy pulls the car over and the four of us get out.
“I believe it was this way,” Mickey says as he sets off.
“It was very much not even on that side of the road,” Joy counters, walking in the opposite direction. Mickey is still busy looking away from us, but Riley doesn’t seem to trust him in the slightest since he follows the dead woman instead. And because I will follow Riley anywhere, I trot after him.
“Isn’t this superior? The wind in your face, the sun shining down on you? So much better than that death monster!” I declare in English since I seem to be getting the hang of this rather simple language.
“No. I like AC.”
“What is that?”
“It’s like little magic snowstorms blowing in your face to cool you down.”
“How much virgin blood or testicles does it take to run those things?”
Riley shrugs. “A lot, but it’s worth it.”
“It doesn’t take any sacrifice!” Mickey protests.
“I’m going to stop talking to him in English if you keep contradicting the things I’m teaching him,” Riley threatens Mickey.
He is even tantalizing when he threatens others!
“Torin, who do you want to believe? The very man who has dedicated his existence to your comfort these past few days or some strange man who has walked five feet from his car and is now summoning some undead to carry him the rest of the way?”
Mickey quickly looks over after he finishes his spell. “My legs are tired.”
“Because you don’t move!” Riley says as an undead half-giant crawls out of the earth, grabs Mickey’s arm, and begins dragging him across the field.
“I was thinking bridal carry at the very least,” he whines, but the giant doesn’t seem to notice or care, and Mickey appears to decide that this is better than walking and just gives in to it.
Even though the man comes across as quite lazy, I realize Riley was correct when he told me he’s an extremely skilled necromancer. This half-giant must have died many years ago, and yet Mickey makes him appear like he is still among the living.
“Here you are,” Joy says, and while there doesn’t appear to be anything there, when I get close to it, I can see the shimmer of a doorway. And when I press my hand against it, the glow of the Door comes to life.
I turn to Riley. “My plan is to jump in and grab something and be back out within five minutes. But there’s a possibility the Door will close, and I won’t be able to return. If that is the case… I really wish I could have eaten more food with you.”
Riley snorts. “When you come back, I’ll take you to eat more food. What about a buffet?”
“Will there be pizza?”
“There will be pizza.”
I nod approvingly. “Then I will go with you.”
I start toward the Door when Riley grabs my wrist. “You are coming back?”
“I plan to.”
“Right,” he says.
I beam at him. “Will you miss me?”
“Absolutely not. I just wanted to watch you ride an escalator again. I’m going to record it so I can enjoy it later.”
“We will ride all of the escalators,” I say before taking a look at the Door and stepping through it.