Chapter 34
SLIP
Drugs fuddled with my brain. Stars swirled before my eyes. A piercing ring sounded in my ears.
Maddy had left me...just like she’d done in the morning after our wedding. This time with a valid reason. I’d gotten high and scared her... again . I leaned back on my haunches and screamed at the garage roof. “ AAAARGH!”
I’d broken too many promises and let her down. I’d never wanted to do that. I’d fed her insecurities just by innocent association with Harper. Her lack of trust had fed my own doubts about not being good enough. We’d set ourselves on a vicious, never-ending cycle. It had to end. But the only one to blame for this shit fest was me.
I had to apologize.
Beg forgiveness.
Sort my shit out.
As my breath rushed in and out of my lungs, I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and called her. No answer. I texted her:
Me: I’m sorry. So sorry.
Please forgive me.
I’ll get better .
I promise.
I got no reply.
I wouldn’t have talked to me either.
But I needed someone who would. I scrolled through my speed-dial numbers and hit Lewis’s name.
He answered within two rings. “Yo. What’s up?”
“Help. She’s gone. Maddy’s gone.”
“Gone where?” Terror shook his voice. “As in, she’s dead, or just taken off?”
“What the fuck? No...she’s just taken off. I ruined everything.” I wiped my clammy palm down my sweaty face. “I’m pretty fucked up right now on coke. I messed up everything. Please. Come.”
“Yep. I’m on my way.” Urgency shot through his voice. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
A booming drum thudded inside my head. I didn’t want to say the words out loud. Not to myself. Not to anyone. But I couldn’t hide the facts anymore. I had a problem.
It’s me.
I’m the fucking problem.
Yeah . . . me!
The words played in my head on repeat like Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero” song.
I didn’t want to admit I’d gotten worse. But the shake in my hands was a dead giveaway. I’d been on powerful pain-killers for years, but every few months I’d hit stronger meds or more potent drugs. I didn’t want to be like this or ruin the lives of those I loved.
What I had to do to fix this... me ...twisted a knife in my guts. Did I have the strength to do that? Stand up for what I wanted...no, needed to do?
If I was to get better, I had to.
But I could wait.
Right then, all I cared about was Maddy .
Would she ever forgive me? No . . . probably not.
Fuck!
Unable to sit still, I headed inside and paced the length of the floor between the front door and the back of my house.
Fifteen minutes later, Lewis rocked up on my doorstep...with Flint and Cole.
Shit.
Could this day get any worse? Yep.
A simple shake of their heads was like a slap to the face and a hard punch to the guts. I deserved each and every blow. I’d let the most important people in my life down. My band and Maddy. I’d hurt them. I’d hurt myself. I’d ended up in a place I’d never wanted to be in.
“Fuck.” Flint’s devastated tone crushed my soul as he and the guys entered my living room. “You’re a complete mess. Go shower, and then we’ll talk.”
“No.” As I strode back and forth beside the kitchen counter, a chill washed over my fevered skin. “We need to go to Maddy’s.” I grabbed my cell phone off the counter and my jacket off the stool and charged toward the front door.
But Lewis caught my arm. “Not when you’re like this.”
“Please?” I begged. “Take me there or I’ll call Beckett.” I should’ve done that in the first place.
“Slip? Buddy?” Cole took a small step toward me. “That’s not going to happen. Not today and possibly not even tomorrow. This ends now. You hear us?”
“Argh!” I clutched my hair. “Yes. I hear you. But I don’t want to listen. I need to see Maddy. Fix us.” Again. For the millionth time. I darted around Lewis, only to be blocked by Flint.
“You’re not going anywhere like this.” His icy gaze sliced through my sternum. His distress wobbled my knees. “You’ll only make things worse.”
“Fuck.” I charged past him for the door—anything to avoid his anguish. “It can’t get any worse. It’s over if I don’t talk to her.” I had to apologize. Again. And again. And again.
Flint grabbed my shoulder and spun me so fast to face him that my vision blurred. Fire blazed in his eyes. “For now, it is over. She won’t want anything to do with you when you’re fucking high, dipshit. But we’re here, and we’re not going anywhere.” He pointed down my hallway. “If you won’t take a shower, get your ass into that studio of yours and let’s play until you burn this shit out of your system.”
I shut my eyes and swayed on my feet. I clenched and released my hands. I ground my teeth together. Each breath I took ripped through my entire body. I hated logic. Hated reasoning. Hated that Flint was right. “Fine. Let’s jam.”
“Good choice.” Cole nodded and led the way.
We played for hours. With each strike of my strings, emptiness invaded my chest. With every move, my hip ached and seized. The craving for oxy twisted and gnawed and burned inside my veins. Fatigue hammered my bones. The demons inside my brain taunted and begged me for another hit of cocaine. Just another line or two. For the kick. The high. To stop hurting. To make it through another day.
But as sweat poured down my face, images of Maddy with tears streaming down her face flashed behind my eyelids. The guys’ disappointment drummed against my ribs.
How had I let myself get here?
Why, when I was so scared of ending up like Phil, had I fallen this far?
I didn’t want to be like this.
This wasn’t who I wanted to be.
Something had to change.
Yeah . . . me!
I glanced at the guys playing. Flint and Lewis on guitars. Cole at the drums. Those three men were my friends. My brothers. My life...but was the band my future?
My heart constricted. My head pounded. The fire in my veins fizzled.
How could I keep performing when I was in absolute agony? Physically and emotionally. I’d been torn between the guys and Maddy for so long, the turmoil had left me spiraling. If she wasn’t around, I didn’t know where the other half of me belonged anymore, or who I was.
Tia came home from Sutton’s party just after midnight. She ducked her head into the studio, said hello, then let us be.
Near three in the morning, I hit the shower. Lewis headed to his room to join Tia. Cole and Flint crashed in the other spare bedrooms.
I swallowed an oxy, then collapsed onto my bed. Exhaustion pulled me under.
But when I woke the next morning near eleven, pain speared my lower back and jolted through my hip, down my right leg and into my knee. Groaning, I rolled onto my side, eased out of bed, and staggered into the bathroom. It hadn’t been twelve hours since I’d taken my last oxy, but I needed one to kill the pain.
Crap. My pills weren’t in my toiletry bag.
Fuck! I opened and shuffled through every drawer. Not there.
I searched the cabinets. Nothing.
My pulse quickened as I strode into my room, over to my dresser, and rummaged through my clothes. No meds . No additional stash of cocaine.
In my closet, I scanned every shelf and checked my luggage, my coats, my jeans. Zero. Zilch. Nadda.
My hands trembled as I wiped them down my face. Shit . Had the guys come in here and taken them when I’d fallen asleep? Yep. They must’ve. I couldn’t even find an Advil .
Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! I need my meds. I need my pain-killers.
Fighting the agony in my hip, I charged out of my room and down the stairs. Flint, Cole, and Lewis sat on my living room sofa, staring at me as they sipped their coffees.
The air prickled my skin.
I’d normally crack a joke, ask them who’d died, or be the first to jump up and down and face the day full of energy. But not today. Today, I could barely put one foot in front of the other.
“Where the fuck are my meds?” I asked no one in particular.
“There’s half a pill on the kitchen counter.” Flint waved. “That’s it.”
“Fuck,” I hissed under my breath. “That’s not enough. I can’t go cold turkey, you shit heads. Give me my pills back...now.”
“It’s not total cold turkey, but close.” Ice shot through Flint’s tone. “We called Jade. We’re getting you off that shit. She’ll give you more injections for your hip—not pills.”
I was already a pincushion. The cortisone shots never lasted long. Other injections had never helped. I didn’t have time to test new treatments during the tour. I ground my teeth and raked air deep into my lungs. I didn’t need their intervention. I’d get off these meds once the tour was over. I’d get my hip fixed. I never doubted those things...but somewhere along the way, I’d lost the hold on my control. I’d screwed up. Taken too many pills. Dabbled with too many drugs. Lost Maddy.
That hadn’t been the plan. A life with her was.
Fuck.
I needed help.
A lot of it.
I was an utter mess.
I dragged my feet into the kitchen, grabbed a cup from the cupboard, and made myself a strong, black coffee. Closing my eyes, I swallowed the pill, loathing myself as I cleared my throat.
I had to fix myself before I could fix anything else, including my marriage to Maddy. No, wait...I’d already destroyed what we’d had. Dick.
I headed over to the sofa to join the guys. I sank onto the seat beside Lewis and raked my fingers through my unruly hair, unable to meet anyone’s gaze. Sweat pooled on my temples and nape. My leg jiggled. It took all my strength to focus on the hard conversation we had to have. “I’m so sorry. I never wanted to get like this. I was okay, but then I wasn’t. So...thank youfor coming over. For staying. For kicking my ass.”
“We haven’t even begun to kick your ass.” Cole’s tone hovered lower than the piece of shit I felt like.
“We talked to Maddy.” Flint’s voice came out in a pained rasp. “She’s okay. She’s on her way back to Vancouver.”
My vision blurred as I stared into my coffee. What was left of my tattered heart didn’t want to beat. “Did she tell you we’re over?”
“Yep.” Flint nodded. “You did too. Numerous times.”
Fuck. “It’s my fault we ended.”
“Yep,” Cole agreed.
“I let this go too far.”
“You sure did,” Lewis sighed.
“I didn’t handle any of this well.”
“Nope,” they said in unison.
I took a sip of coffee, letting the bitterness burn the back of my throat and the steam singe the aching hole in my chest. “I hurt her real bad. I lied. Broke promises. I said things I shouldn’t have said while I was wasted.”
Lewis swiveled toward me and leaned against the cushions. “I’m sure you’ll work things out. You always do.”
“I don’t think so. Not this time.” I placed my cup on the coffee table and sank back into the sofa. My shoulders sagged—I was defeated. Now my head was clear, the conversations with Maddy crashed into me, and the truth slammed into my chest. The last filament of hope had been shot in the ass and died. There was nothing left of our marriage to salvage. Thanks to me.
“Loving each other was never enough. We could never come up with a plan for living together. Seeing each other was difficult. Our insecurities killed what we had.” I grabbed a cushion and squashed it, twisted it, and crushed it against my chest. “She never trusted me around Harper. It cut me, wore away at me...exhausted me. I did everything I could to prove to Maddy she was it, but nothing sank in.”
Confusion etched into Cole’s brow. “Harper? But you’re never around her. Was she the reason you broke up?”
“One of the many reasons.” It churned my gut that Maddy hadn’t trusted me. But maybe I was at fault. I should’ve asked Cole to fire Harper months ago to eliminate Maddy’s concerns. I shouldn’t have held onto so much hope and faith that Maddy would see that I was hers. “There’s nothing between Harper and me. Nothing. Never was or will be. But Harper taunted Maddy—she didn’t help the situation.”
“I’ll fucking kill her,” Cole fumed. “I never wanted her coming home to cause any problems.”
“Yeah, well, she did.” I rubbed and scratched my stubble. “Unintentionally, but she did.”
“I’m so sorry.” Cole placed his empty cup on the coffee table. “Harps is incredible with the kids, but she knew the deal. Any issues, I’ll kick her ass back to Nepal.”
Harper was his cousin. I couldn’t ask him to do that. He’d struggled to find a nanny in the first place—I didn’t want him to go through the entire process again. “You don’t have to fire her. Maddy’s gone.” God, that hurts. But I puffed air through my nose and smirked. “And Harps is banging Sloane.”
“Damn!” Flint’s mouth slid into a grin. “I had an inkling about those two. Think they joined the mile- high club on the way home.”
“Yeah. They did.” My tired voice didn’t alter. Harper had told me at Flint’s. Before everything had turned to shit with Maddy. “Women. Why do they always fuck us up?”
“We’re suckers for good pussy.” Flint chuckled and rolled his coffee cup between his hands. “We’re rendered useless when we find the right girl.” But then he held his cup still. “Slip, no relationship is perfect. You and Mads had your fair share of arguments. Being apart didn’t help. But she was good for you. She made you smile. Laugh. Happy. It has been good to see you do those things again after losing Phil.”
“I haven’t done those things very often since we got married, either. Yeah, we had fun together, but I screwed up and deserved to lose her.” That was the truth. I fidgeted with my leather wristbands, tugging at one toggle. “We’ve done nothing but stress each other out after getting hitched. I would’ve done anything for her, but we couldn’t find a way to work. I wasn’t what she needed. I was never fucking good enough.”
“Bullshit. You’re more than enough.” Flint leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. “If Maddy can’t see that or doesn’t know that by now, it’s her loss.” Sadness darkened his eyes. “You mean the world to us. I won’t walk away from you—not ever. Nor will these guys.” He jutted his chin toward Lewis and Cole. “We will do whatever it takes to help you get better. You don’t have to go through this alone. We’ve got five more weeks of the tour. Are you up for them or not?” He speared me with a fierce, don’t-give-me-any-bullshit glare. “We’ll cancel the rest of the shows if we have to. Your health is our priority. Can you make it through, or do we have to haul your ass to rehab?”
The desperation and worry over me, and the fatigue from touring was embedded into my friend’s faces. But the light and fire to finish what we’d started simmered beneath their concerns. Their love and friendship never faltered. They were my strength.
“I want to finish the tour.” Grit set in my bones as I scratched the side of my neck. “I promised myself I’d stop the pills once we got home, but I’ll start now with Jade’s help.” I would. No question. “I never wanted my injury to affect me. I never wanted to let anyone down by not being full of energy and playing every night. I didn’t want you to be worried. Y’all seem to love every element of touring, and are taking this ride we’re on in your stride, but I’ve struggled every day...with the fame, the gossip, no privacy...and Maddy.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Cole asked.
“I thought I could handle everything. But clearly, I haven’t.” I closed my eyes, tilted my head to one side and cracked my neck to relieve the tension twisting in my nape. “I can’t walk down the street without being recognized. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of fans waiting for us everywhere we go. There’s this pressure every night to put on an incredible show, smile for the crowd, and go beyond everyone’s expectations. I’ve pushed myself to deliver that. Most of the time, this tour has been phenomenal. But there’ve been days where it’s been utter crap.” I grimaced as headlines flashed through my mind. “Every bad review we got was about me being dull, too wild, or too fucked up. That shit hit hard.” I lifted my chin toward Flint. “I have a newfound respect for the flack you took for Phil...and Cole and me. I couldn’t handle the gossip, or the cruel things they wrote about Maddy and me...and the bullshit surrounding Harper. So I wanted to do more, be better, push myself harder. But my body couldn’t take it.”
Flint slid his cup onto the coffee table and bobbed his head. “We’ve all had our ups and downs during this tour, but we never wanted you to suffer.”
I let my head fall back and stared at the ceiling. “Taking meds helped. They were easy, but didn’t last. I wasn’t sleeping. Had no energy. Then hitting stronger and harder shit to cope snuck up on me.” And fuck, I could do with something right now. I shuffled around on the seat and hooked my ankle up on top of my opposite leg. Nope, not comfortable. I leaned forward. Nope, that hurts my hip even more . I sat with my knees wide apart. That’ll do. Fidgety fucker!
“You’re going to get on top of this. I know you will.” Flint’s faith in me never faltered. “It’s been a crazy eighteen months since we signed with Everhide. But we’re killing it. We’re in this together. For life. So Slip, what changes do we have to make so you’re happy? So we can keep growing, getting even bigger, and doing this forever?”
The haze from the pain-killers swam through my head. The comedown from cocaine had sapped me of energy. I wasn’t out for a pity party, but the answer was simple. “Maddy made me happy...then we fucking got married and everything turned to shit.”
“It wasn’t a total disaster.” Cole smirked as he cracked his knuckles, one hand, then the other. “Ava and I heard the two of you fucking in Italy. The walls in that villa were not that thick. That was some serious banging. But we’ll worry about Maddy later. Let’s focus on you for now. We need a plan.”
“I can’t get my hip fixed until after the tour, but I’m afraid surgery won’t work. It terrifies me I might not go on the road ever again.”
“Don’t say that,” Flint snapped. “You will. We’ll get you the best doctors. The best physical therapy. We’ll tour again and you’ll play beside us every night, even if you have to sit in a fucking recliner.” His voice rasped in his throat. “I hate that you’re in so much pain. You should’ve told us, not brushed us off all the time. You don’t have to push yourself so hard.” He flicked his hands toward Cole and Lewis. “None of us want you to be in agony or make things worse. I’ll tell the audience why you’re not jumping around. We’ll post information on socials. Then hopefully, the press won’t slander you for being a deadweight again. To us, you’ll never be one.”
My state of health had no doubt hit him the hardest after losing Phil. I’d never wanted to hurt him, or anyone.
Flint jabbed a finger at me. “So get on top of this shit and get better. You have surgery, go to rehab, get therapy, and do whatever the fuck you need to do to get well again. We’ll be by your side every step of the way. Got it?”
“Yep.” I nodded and lowered my chin. These guys had me. I loved that. I’d always been there for them. I loved they were there for me too. “I’m a downright mess, but I will get better.”
“Good.” Cole dipped his chin. His stern gaze set on me. “We’ve all been fucked up at some point or another in our lives, and we have the scars to prove it. No doubt we’ll go through more crap in the future. But we’ll survive anything and everything together.”
Yes, we would. However, this was on me. I stared out at the garden and steadied my breath. “I know I need help.” Damn ...It took all my strength to admit that. “More help than you and Jade can offer. I need to get off these pain-killers. I don’t take much coke or other shit, but I need to get off that too. And the booze. I don’t want to get worse. I’ve lied to myself, to you guys and to Mads for long enough. I truly am fucking sorry.” My heart hit the floor. “Losing Mads was the wake-up call I needed. I’m gonna check into rehab after the tour, straight after surgery. Okay?”
“It sure is,” Flint said. He’d drag me there if I didn’t go. I didn’t want that.
I wanted to get clean. I’d wanted to do it for Maddy, but now she was gone...I had to do it for myself. I needed more than surgery and rehab. I needed to find my way again. Find me.
“There’s something else I need too.” I drew in a steady breath and made sure my head and heart were in check. Yep. All good . “It’s been brewing for a while. Maybe it stemmed from being with Mads, but I need to throw something by you. I love you, guys.” I slapped and gripped Lewis’s knee and met Cole’s and Flint’s gazes. “You’re my family, my best friends...but after this tour, I need a break. I need to get out of LA, sort my shit out, get over Maddy.”
“Yeah. We all need a good vacation.” Lewis nodded as he patted and clasped my hand.
“No. Not just a vacation.” I winced, pulling my hand free, and wiped my clammy palms up and down on my jeans. “I need more than that.”
“What?” Flint slumped like I’d ripped his heart out. “More? What kind of break are we talking about? A few months or something longer? Not permanent, right?”
My foot jiggled. “I . . . I can’t answer that at present.”
“What about awards season?” The rims of Cole’s eyes reddened. “Are you in for that?”
“Not sure.” I shrugged.
“Slip, we don’t want to lose you.” The anguish in Flint’s tone tore me in two. “This—the band—this is our life. I could hit the studio the second we get home. I have all this music burning inside me that needs to come out. After losing touch with writing songs after Phil died, I don’t want to risk losing it again.” His own fatigue flooded his eyes. “But I know everyone is exhausted and needs time off. So how long do you have in mind?”
I pursed my lips, unable to give him a guesstimate. “I need time to figure that out.”
“Okay. Shit. I’ll jump in here.” Cole leaned forward and wrung his hands together. “I have to agree with Slip. Ava and I have two kids to think about. We’re back in time for Josh to start the school year. Charlotte needs to go to kindergarten. I know we have events planned, but I won’t say no to staying at home for a while...maybe a year. We can work on new music, but not push it.”
Flint covered his mouth with his hand and stared out the window. A glassy sheen rippled across his eyes.
Yeah, he wasn’t taking this well.
Lewis placed his elbow on the back of the sofa and propped his head against his hand. “I’m like Flint—ready to work on the next album. But some downtime will be good.” Despite the tiredness in his tone, the smallest of smiles touched his lips. “Tia and I aim to buy a house after the tour. We’re already looking online. She’s still toying with the idea of studying sound engineering and hitting some festivals with Chloe and Duke’s band. Plus there’s the whole baby thing. We plan to have a kid next year.”
The kid thing freaked me out, but in a good way. Everyone had lives which no longer centered on music. We didn’t depend on each other as much as we used to.
We weren’t kids anymore.
I fidgeted with the cushion beside me, picking at a loose thread. “Being honest—we need a good break.” Me more than most. “We’ve all changed. You’re all in serious relationships and need some solid home time with your girlfriends. They need that after we’ve been away for so long. And I need time to get better...and get over Maddy.” I’d own my mistakes. Take responsibility for my actions. The truth hurt like a motherfucking bitch. Maddy deserved someone who wasn’t so messed up. I had to get well. Be better. Focus on me.
Right girl. Wrong timing. Move the fuck on .
“Slip.” Flint’s eyebrows knitted together as he softened his tone. “It’s obvious you love Maddy. I’m sorry you never sorted out your shit. I’m sorry she isn’t standing beside you while you get better. On the one hand, I understand why she ran. On the other hand, who the fuck does that to someone they’re supposed to love?”
I didn’t need the reminder why she’d left. She loved me...just not as much as I loved her. “It wasn’t meant to be. I’m better off alone.”
“Nope. Sorry. You can’t get rid of us.” Cole circled his finger through the air, taking in Flint and Lewis, then slapped his hand against his chest. “We’ll help you through this, even if we have to chain you to a bed, lock you in a room, and put you through cold turkey. Someone will be with you twenty-four/seven to make sure you’re not caving.”
I wouldn’t put it past them to do those things. “Thanks. I’ve never had a death wish, but it’s hard to accept my hip won’t ever be one hundred percent again. Not once have I taken a pill or line of coke and not cursed and hated myself for doing so. I’ve always told myself I’d stop after the tour. That’s why I’m not screaming and yelling and saying no. I need to get off this shit.” I hated the shakes. The sweats. The cravings. “I love life...I just got into this spiral. I promise I’ll deal with this. I will. Like you guys said, you can’t get rid of me...but yes, after the tour, I need to disappear for a while. A decent hiatus.”
“Shit,” Cole mumbled as he rubbed the back of his neck. “We’re not going to be like One fucking Direction, who said they’d take twelve months off and still haven’t gotten back together in years. No fucking way.”
I chuckled, but then turned serious. “I can’t give you a timeframe. I need to sort a lot of crap out.”
“I’m all for new beginnings and change.” Lewis dipped his chin and splayed his hand across his chest . “You’ve got to do what’s right for you. But know I’ll fucking miss you if these last few weeks together are it.”
My heart wobbled. I couldn’t say it wouldn’t be so. “Then we’d better fucking enjoy them.”
“Slip?” With glassy eyes, Flint seemed to struggle to speak. “We aren’t The Flintlocks without you. We don’t do this without you.”
“Then you’d better fucking pray I get better.”