Chapter 15
My mind spins out of control as I press my hand against my heart. Fuck. I can’t understand how my mouth gets away from me. It’s not that I mean the shit I say half the time. And all I’ve done is succeed in pushing everyone away…
Not even Tennant stays.
I thought I had something…something of my own.
But all I did was lose those close to me, and it was for nothing, because here I am, stuck alone while my best friend suffers.
And fuck, I know Lio is strong, but if he was pushed all the way to trying to kill himself, to leaving after making a promise…
I don’t even want to think about it. But I have to, because I need to be there for him. The way he always has been for me.
But will he want me there?
I’m not blind to the way he gravitates toward Roman now.
Or the interest Leandro has taken in him.
I’m not blind to the side-eyes everyone is giving me.
I miss my best friend, I miss having someone I can be myself with.
The one who doesn’t try to be tough, or pretend I know what the hell I’m doing. It should be obvious that I don’t.
Tears roll down my face, the pain of my Lio hurting and me not being there…I don’t know how to handle it. My chest feels cracked open, like there’s nothing to hold my heart inside. He’s always been my sanity in this crazy world.
Pain rushes through me, as do the memories, the wrongs I’ve given him lately. Too self-absorbed, too wrapped up with Tennant and trying to be a Second.
Snorting, I grab my hair, tangling my fingers in it before yanking hard, needing the pain to distract me from the storm of emotions rolling through me. Power. Fucking hell. How the hell did I think that position meant anything? Being a Second is worthless without my best friend.
I was supposed to protect him, but I hurt him. I was supposed to love Ignacio, but I walked away. I’m in love with Tennant, but I’ve pushed him away. There’s nobody left, and that’s the way it should be. I don’t deserve anyone.
Ignoring the way the stitches pull, I rock myself as much as possible, desperately wanting my brain to stop. To stop taunting me with the memories, the dreams I once had, and the love…the love I’ve wasted. But fucking hell, if they think they can keep me away from Lio, they don’t know me.
Forcing myself to ignore the pain, I roll out of the bed, barely landing on my feet.
Gritting my teeth, I take one step after another.
My legs shake and sweat beads on my skin, a flash of heat engulfing me from the waves of agony that beat at me.
Still, I won’t give up. I need to let Lio know I’m here.
That despite my fuck-ups, I’ll always be here. He’s the one who needs me now.
Darkness closes in as my vision narrows, dizziness swamping me.
I swallow hard, pushing the bile down. I’m just about to the door, and breathing heavily, but all that matters is finding my friend.
I need to let him know how much I love him, that he’ll be alright, because fuck if I’ll allow anything other than that.
If he needs me to carry him when he cannot stand, that’s what I’ll do.
He needs to know that he can count on me. All evidence to the contrary, my thoughts mock me. Fucking hell. Whatever penance I owe, I’ll pay it. Just…let him be alright. Please, if there’s anyone listening, let my friend be alright.
The door opens quickly, banging against the wall, and I stumble from the shock.
I lose my balance, but two strong arms catch me before I can fall.
I struggle against them, knowing they’re not going to let me go, but I can’t stay here.
I can’t lay in his arms when I don’t deserve him… when Lio needs me.
“Shh, Topolino. I’ve got you,” Tennant murmurs as he swings me up into his arms like I’m nothing. But then again…I am nothing.
I break. Shatter. Spin out of control. Desperately, I clutch at him, a keening sound tearing from my throat. Panic pushes every rational thought from me, and I’m a livewire of nothing but stripped-down emotion.
Broken pieces litter the reality of who I thought I was…who I pretended to be. Because right now? Right now, as Tennant holds me while I break, all I want is to give up, to give in, to forget, but I can’t. I need to be there for Lio, but fuck if I can’t even stand on my own two feet…
The tears come faster, rougher, a never-ending storm. I hear Tennant yelling out, but I can’t understand the words. When a needle slides into my skin, I barely notice. A cooling, deadening sensation spreads beneath my flesh, taking me away from it all.
I’m barely able to push out a mumbled, “Sorry,” before I’m gone…and who knows, maybe I’ll be left adrift, because I don’t deserve to be found. I don’t deserve to feel the love of another, not when I’ve torn myself to pieces and burned the bridges I used to have…