Chapter 20
Idon’t know what’s worse, Roman being kidnapped and not knowing what was happening to him, or having him right in front of me and still being in the dark.
His dark green eyes are lifeless. The spark I’m used to seeing in them died when I was forced to tell him what happened to his friend. He hasn’t spoken a word since.
“The pancakes are good,” I tell him gently.
“Not as good as yours, of course, but they’ll do.
You did well with your selections for the kitchen staff.
Though, once you and Lio are out of the medical wing, we’ll have to discuss what to do with the Martelli staff.
I feel bad for leaving them in limbo. Especially the chef.
The few days we were there, the meals were exceptional.
I’d hate to let him go. Anyway, why don’t you try a little?
Keegan ordered a whole array. I don’t know who he thought he was feeding. ”
I smile at the thought of my Love asking for every single type of pancake the cook could make. Everything from plain to chocolate chip, to banana and blueberry, even pumpkin spice. The kitchen staff took his words to heart and presented Roman and I with a feast.
Roman’s only response to my words is to curl into himself further, and I bite back my sigh.
I don’t blame him. I don’t know what happened to him and Lio while they were gone.
I know from Doc and Tennant that it was bad, but as a father, I don’t want to see the videos.
I know what Roman’s injuries are, so I can guess how he received them, and that’s enough for me.
Unless he wants to open up, I won’t push for more details.
“If you don’t take care of yourself, keep your strength up, Doc will have to intervene. I don’t want to see that happen, Figlio. I hate watching you hurt yourself like this.”
“I deserve it,” he whispers so quietly I almost don’t hear him.
Leaning forward in my seat, I gently set my hand on him, quickly pulling back when he flinches. “Why would you say that?”
“Because what good am I otherwise?” He looks up at me and my heart breaks at the pain shining in his gaze. “I’m a terrible leader, a shit friend, and nothing but used goods now, so why would any of my lovers want me?”
“Hey, don’t talk about yourself like that,” I chide gently. “I know you’re hurting, but none of those things are true.”
“If they aren’t then why… Why…” His lip trembles and he gasps as his eyes fill with tears.
“Why what?” I ask softly, my heart breaking even though I’m grateful for this look inside his head.
“Why did Lio try to leave me?”
“Oh, Roman…” I reach out to him again, and this time, he lets me touch him. Smoothing back his messy dark hair, I try to gather my thoughts and figure out what to say. There’s no manual for this, no guide to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong.
“Figlio Mio…you know what Lio did, what he tried to do…it’s not about you, right?
” I ask as gently as possible. “He made the only decision he thought he could at the time, but it had nothing, I promise, nothing to do with you. Lio loves you. He’s your friend, and will always be your friend.
Nothing he says or does will ever take away from that. ”
“Then why…” He sniffs as tears roll down his cheeks.
“I don’t care that he hurt me, or that he didn’t do anything but watch while Cecily hurt me.
The only thing that mattered then, and now, is him.
I…I love him, Dad. As more than a friend.
I don’t know how to explain it because it’s not like it is with Hollis, Ten, Jude, or Ignacio.
It’s…different, but not. He buried himself deep inside my soul, and knowing he doesn’t think his life is worth living?
” Roman shakes his head as more tears stream down his face.
“A part of me died with those words. He was the only reason I made it in that hell, and now I can’t even help him with his own. ”
Taking a risk, I get out of my chair and move Roman over a little, grateful that he goes easily, letting me climb into bed with him and pull him into my arms. He sobs against my chest, and I hold him tightly, rubbing his back while fighting against my own tears.
“You don’t have to,” I assure him. “Doc and Dr. Ranlen, they’re good at their jobs.
They saved Lio’s life, and they’re working on finding him the best therapist, and probably psychiatrist, out there.
Both of you have an enormous support system.
He might not realize it, but we all love him, and will make sure there’s never another doubt in his head.
He’s lost, probably feels alone, and while I can never guess at what he must have been feeling to think that was his only way forward, I know what feeling alone is like.
I promise, Roman. I’ll do everything I can to make sure he knows he’s not.
He’s strong, and he will get through this. You will, too.”
“I’m not strong enough to do this,” he says.
“Yes, you are.” I urge him up, to stare into his red-rimmed eyes. “You’re far stronger than you’ve ever given yourself credit for, Figlio. I’m so, so fucking sorry I didn’t make you see that before. I’m also sorry I never advocated for you after Julian kidnapped you.”
He frowns. “What do you mean?”
“I should have pushed Cristian to get you into therapy. You were a minor, technically, he could have set it up for you.”
He immediately shakes his head. “No. Therapy…if Doc and Dr. Ranlen think it can help Lio, then I’m all for it, but for myself? Absolutely not.”
“Roman, you needed, and still need, someone to help you work through everything that happened when you were fifteen, and now. I know Tennant and Cristian scared you when you were younger, but what Ten went through…it was fucked up, yes, but that doesn’t mean he probably didn’t need therapy.
So, I’m sorry for not being a better father, and making sure you got the help you needed. ”
“That’s bullshit. You’ve always been there for me.
Through every nightmare, every time I doubted myself.
Whenever I’ve needed you, you’ve been right by my side, and that’s all I could ever ask for.
So don’t take on that guilt, okay? I…I don’t know if I can see a therapist, not after all this time, not with all the hang-ups I have, but I’ll agree I’m not okay.
I haven’t been for a long time; I just got better at hiding it. ”
I brush some tears from his cheeks. “You know you never have to hide how you feel from me, don’t you? I’ll always be here for you, as your dad, your shoulder to lean on, and your fellow Council member. You’re not alone, Roman, even when you feel like you are.”
He begins to tremble and I hug him a little tighter. “You think Lio will ever be convinced he’s not alone?”
I sigh a little. “Yes. He loves, deeply. I’m sure he realized how much everyone would hurt if he was gone, but…that place…it’s not exactly an easy or rational headspace to be in. I can’t speak for him, but I’m sure in his mind, he thought we’d be better off without him.”
Roman shakes his head. “That’s not true!”
“I know, you know, we all know, but for Lio, it’s not so simple.
Doc and Dr. Ranlen have him on suicide watch, and they’ll make sure he’s never alone physically.
Emotionally, it’s going to be a longer road, but that’s where you come in.
You can’t make him feel better, but you can be there for him as his friend, like you always have been. ”
“Okay. I’ll try.”
“This isn’t all on you, Roman. You’re not alone in giving him the support he needs. It’s not your job to ‘fix’ him, understand? All you have to do is be yourself, the friend he leans on when he needs someone who understands him…his stabby soulmate.”
“Okay.” He shudders against me. “I’m so tired.”
“Sleep, Figlio. When you wake up, we’ll have lunch, and maybe you’ll be up for a visitor? There are a few people who would love to see you.”
“Fuck. Hollis must be beside himself... And Tennant.”
“Tennant is worried, yes, but he knows you’re in good hands. He is…a bit preoccupied at the moment, but I’m sure he’ll come as soon as he can.”
He raises his head again. “What happened?”
I sigh. “Benjamin almost got himself killed. I…the details are unclear. The only ones who know the full story are Ten and Benjamin, but from what I do know, Benjamin tried to sacrifice himself again for Tennant’s well-being.”
Roman snorts and rolls his eyes. “Idiot. As if killing someone he cares about will actually make things better. I know what Tennant thinks about himself, but he is so much more than his supposed monster. Tennant will probably kill me one day, but that’s different than asking for it. I don’t know what to do about him…”
“It’s not your responsibility. Tennant and Benjamin will work themselves out.” Or Tennant will kill the dumbass, whatever comes first. “Now, nap, then food, then visitors, okay? Otherwise, Ignacio will probably end up chained to his bed by Jayden for being impatient.”
Roman’s face softens. “Fuck, yeah, you’re probably right.” He yawns and makes himself comfortable. Good thing he’s so small, otherwise both of us wouldn’t be able to fit on the hospital bed. “You’ll stay with me?”
“Always, Figlio.”
He lets out a breath, as if relieved by my answer. It’s not long before his body relaxes and he’s sleeping peacefully for once. I continue holding him, thankful I have this chance, and hoping I’ve done enough to ease his mind.
There’s so much that needs doing, so many things I need to discuss with my fellow Council members, and that doesn’t even include telling Roman about what happened between Cristian and I, and my relationship with Marcus and Keegan.
Fuck. Maybe I should take a nap, too. I'm already tired and I’ve only been up a few hours.
Holding my son tightly, I let my eyes close, trusting my loves, and everyone else in our Family, to hold themselves together for a little while longer.
Because as much as our world is on fire right now, some things are more important.
Making sure my son is okay? Nothing else will compare.
Roman and Cole are what I’m fighting for, and moments like this help me remember that.