Chapter 30 Cristian
Iexpected this, had prior warning from Carter, but…walking into the front sitting room and being greeted by one of Sinclair’s minions is still jarring.
Rafferty Taylor gives me a small smile, but I can see the apology in his light blue eyes as well. “Thank you for seeing me.”
I gesture to a couch, but he shakes his head. “I'm not stopping long enough, just passing this along.” He holds out a manila envelope, and for a moment, I consider not taking it.
As if that will delay what’s occurring. But…denying it will only hurt those I love in the end. So I reach out and take the envelope, hating the feel of it in my hand.
“This as well.” He passes over a card.
I meet his eyes, confused. “What is this?”
“One of the best divorce lawyers we’ve worked with in the past.” Though his tone is polite, I sense the sass hiding underneath.
“I have a lawyer.”
Rafferty sighs. “Carter’s the one that called and got the ball rolling, so…we work for him on this, not you. If you need someone to go over the papers with you, if you want to contest, or…change something, they’re who you should talk to. You know Sinclair won’t steer you wrong.”
The intellectual part of me did know that.
My old friend would always look out for me, even if he didn’t have a direct hand in it.
Much like with Doc, Kian Sinclair owed me his life.
He might not be part of our lives as closely, but I saved him, helped him build his small army of people who know how to bend the law to their will—even if their methods weren’t always legal.
That doesn’t mean I don’t want to burn him and every member of the family he made for himself to the ground because they dared to meddle in things they shouldn’t have...
Except, that was his right. As the Amato lawyer, not just mine, he has always been at the disposal of everyone who needs him. I may not like it—hate it, in fact—but Sinclair, and now Rafferty, are just doing their job.
“Thank you. I’ll make the call if I need to.”
Rafferty nods. “Right, I’ll be off then.
I have other errands to run.” He turns and starts to leave the sitting room, before stopping and looking back over his shoulder.
“Oh, almost forgot. K said to tell you this is the only divorce he’s facilitating for you; next time you’re stuck with the poor bastard. ”
With that and a shit-eating grin, he saunters out of the room, swaying his hips and drawing attention to his ass.
Fucking hell. There’s a reason Sinclair collected him—the man’s a good lawyer, but he's batshit crazy…exactly Sinclair’s type of person.
We both know he didn’t “forget” that little message.
We also both know Sinclair was serious about it.
But was it a warning to keep me from doing it again? Or a reminder to not fuck up?
I don’t know, or care. The only person I’ve ever wanted to be married to no longer wants me the same way. And the only other man I’ve given my heart to…well, that will never be us. It can’t be.
The papers crinkle as I clench my fist, and a vice squeezes my heart as I stare down at the envelope… I can't do this. Not alone, at least. Except the two people who I’d normally go to are off-limits to me. Carter, for obvious reasons, and Tennant… I still need to repair that relationship.
Fuck.
Fixing my relationship with my best friend starts with repairing the one I have with my son. Except, it's been days since Doc’s “limited visitors” rule—almost a week since he's been home, and all I've gotten were fleeting glances of him the first day as he recovered from the smoke inhalation.
Fuck. That.
The time for being shut out is over now.
Storming out of the sitting room, I head for the medical suite. No one stops me until I'm just a few doors down from Roman’s room.
Kail, Doc’s most loyal Medical Assistant, steps in front of me. “Can I help you?” His voice is cool, his dark blue eyes wary.
“I'm here to see Roman.”
He tilts his head. “I didn't know he asked for visitors? I know Carter has been trying to get him to see someone aside from himself since yesterday, but last I heard, it was slow going. And…I doubt you'd be at the top of the list, even if Roman was amendable.”
I clench my jaw, the envelope crinkling further as I fight the urge to push the younger man aside. He's Doc’s right-hand man for a reason. I know better than to underestimate him. Not only that, I know Doc will take great offense to me putting my hands on someone he considers his.
“He's my son. I have rights as his father.”
Kail purses his lips. “Funny, that sounds awfully familiar…”
I loom over him, unafraid to use our size difference to my advantage. “I don't need your permission.”
“No, but you need mine, or Dr. Ranlen’s, and I doubt you want me to go get her…”
Spinning around at Carter's voice, I stop my next retort, taking my husband in carefully. His dark blond hair is in disarray, there are dark circles under his navy blue eyes—that look dull and lifeless—and he’s wearing only slacks and a half untucked shirt.
Narrowing my eyes, I say, “I thought one of your lovers was a Dom, surely he should be taking better care of you than this?” I wave my hand at him.
“Do not,” he hisses. “Speak of things you don't understand. They're doing exactly what I need them to—running this Family with Jude, while I've been with our son—and in case you fucking missed it, Marcus was in a serious accident yesterday. So that's another thing added to my plate.
“On top of worrying if both my co-leaders are going to try to fucking kill themselves, and keeping abreast of everything else that comes with this life and our enemies. Or do you only care about things when they matter to you? This isn’t the Amato Family, so you don’t give a shit?
Marcus isn’t your lover or friend, so who cares he could have fucking died, right? ”
“I didn’t say that.” I take a step closer to him. “I’m concerned about you, Caro. I know how this life can wear you down. Add everything you just listed on top? Excuse fucking me for worrying. You may not love me anymore, but I haven’t stopped. It’s not an on and off switch for me.”
His expression crumples. His brows pull together as pain swirls through his eyes. “It’s not for me either.”
“Right,” I scoff. “That’s why I had a visit from fucking Rafferty just minutes ago.” I thrust the envelope between us.
Carter looks down at it, and I watch as his shoulders rise and fall. Guilt swirls through me. This…my fucking hurt, is the last thing he needs. “I’m glad you got it. I… Fuck, I forgot that was being delivered today.”
Taking a breath, I try to rein in my devastation, knowing that hurting Carter won’t get me anywhere.
It’s not his fault I made him so unsure: of himself, of us…
of this fucking life. No, that was, and always will be, on me.
I pushed too hard, took too much, and he let me.
The blame isn’t on him, or me, but on both of us.
For not seeing… Or maybe seeing and not wanting to believe the hurt we caused each other.
“I don’t think we ever really left that room, Cris.” I didn’t want to believe him, but…I think I finally understand what Carter meant when he said those words.
“Who we were before this…those people don’t exist.”
I flinch. Those words…they’re the same ones I said to him when I took him from Tennant’s torture chamber. It was true then, and it’s truer now.
“Fuck, Caro. I am…so fucking sorry. For everything.”
Carter’s expression softens. “I know, Honey. I know. Me too.”
Tension settles between us like an uncomfortable weight, and I don’t know how to move on…until part of what Carter said hits me in the face. “You said, ‘Co-leaders trying to kill themselves…’. Roman…”
Carter immediately shakes his head. “No, no… He hasn’t tried… But with some of the things he’s alluded to…it’s safer this way, until Lio is stable. Until Doc can get a therapist in to start working with Roman, it’s better for all of us to keep a close eye on him.”
“He’s had no visitors at all?” I look between Carter and Kail—who stayed through the entire awkward argument between me and my…ex-husband.
Carter shakes his head. “He only wants Lio, but that’s not possible right now. I’m trying to convince him to at least see Ignacio.” I grimace and Carter ignores me. “Poor guy is losing his mind without Roman. Not even Hollis and Ten have been allowed in to see him.”
Fuck.
“I need to see him, Carter. Please.”
He hesitates, before sighing and finally nodding. “Fine. At least…this way I don’t have to tell him about the divorce alone.”
I look at the envelope clenched in my fist. Bane of my fucking existence.
“But if you upset him… Well, I’ll probably be dealing with Doc’s bitching for the next year.”
I huff but nod my head. “Fine, fair.”
Carter looks to the nurse. “Thank you, Kail. I’ve got it from here.”
“Yes, sir. Call if you need me.”
Kail gives me a wide berth as he steps out of the way, and Carter leads me down to Roman’s room, giving the door a courtesy knock before swinging it open.
Carter walks into the room and I take a moment to gather myself, before following him. The sight of my son curled up on a hospital bed, so still and lifeless, it almost brings me to my knees.
Roman is…so full of life, bursting with joy and a freedom I never had at his age—or ever. Except when you’re with Allesandro. I shove those thoughts aside, now isn’t the time or place.
“Roman?” Carter’s voice is soft as he sits in the chair at Roman’s bedside. “There’s someone here to see you, Figlio Mio.”
Roman immediately shakes his head. “No…” His voice is so small, so unsure.
“Yes. This is important, okay? Just for a few minutes.”
Carter looks up and meets my eyes. I take a deep breath and cross the room, standing behind the chair on the other side of Roman’s bed.
“Figlio…” I say, my voice rough.
Roman’s breath audibly hitches. He turns onto his back and stares up at me with dark, emotionless green eyes. “What do you want?”
Rounding the chair, I sit and reach for him—setting the fucking envelope in my lap—touching my hand to his.
Roman flinches. He moves to the far end of the bed, closer to Carter. “No…”
“Okay, no touching. I’m here for you, Figlio Mio. In whatever capacity you need.”
Tears roll down his pale cheeks. “No… You…hurt me. Hurt Dad. I can’t… I can’t… No.”
“I know. And I’m sorry…so fucking sorry, Roman. Please. I’ll do anything, Figlio Mio. Qualsiasi cosa ti serva da me, puoi averla. I will be whatever you need from me. I love you too much to lose you, Figlio. Even if I was shit at showing you that in the past.”
I see the mistrust in his eyes, knowing I earned it, but it still grates.
“Apologize to Ignacio. A real apology, not a half-assed one that means nothing because you’re doing it simply for me.
I don’t care how you justify it, almost killing him…
” Roman shakes his head and curls into himself again, staring at me with those dark green eyes that don’t even try to hide his emotions.
“You almost took a part of me. There will never be justification for that. Ever. I need him. Ignacio, Tennant, Hollis, Jude, Emilio, Carter, Leandro…they are pieces of my heart and soul, and without them, I am nothing. I am a shell of a person without them, and you. Tried. To. Take. Him. Away.”
“I’m sorry, Roman—”
“No!” He sits up and glares at me, though his dark hair sticking up every which way loses the impact a little. “I am not the one who needs to hear those words from you. You love me? You want to earn some of my respect back? That’s how you start. Apologize to Ignacio…and to Dad.”
I fleetingly look at Carter before meeting Roman’s eyes again. “I have apologized to your father. We talked the first night I got here. We…Carter…” I take a deep breath and gesture to the envelope burning a hole in my lap. “We’re getting a divorce.”
Roman blinks, seemingly taking a moment to process my words. He shifts so he can look between both Carter and me, before he lets out a breath and says, “Good. Now get out.”
“Roman—” Carter tries.
“No.” The boy shakes his head. “I…I’m done. I’m sorry if you’re hurt by this, Dad. I’ll be ready—later—to feel something other than relief from this. I’m glad you won’t be in his clutches anymore. It’ll be a fresh start, for both of us, if he does the right thing.”
I swallow. “I will, Figlio,” I promise. “I hear you, and I love you, and I will do anything for you.”
Roman gives me a flat look. “We’ll see.”
Before I can say anything else, there’s a knock on the door just before it opens.
We all look over and Kail flushes a little.
“I’m sorry to bother you, sir, Roman, but…
Ignacio is back, and well, I was told to bring you this.
” The nurse walks into the room, carrying a bouquet of colorful gerbera daisies—Roman’s favorite flower—and a gift bag.
Roman blushes as he takes the offerings. “Thank you…and thank him for me.”
“Roman…” Carter says with a sigh, but doesn’t push the issue.
“I will… I can let him in, if you want? Doc will probably grumble about you having so many visitors at one time, but he’s not here to bitch right now, so…”
Roman shakes his head. “Not…not yet.”
“Okay,” Kail says softly. “I’ll pass along your message.”
When the door shuts again, the three of us are locked in a tense stalemate, and I curse to myself.
“Can I come see you again?”
Roman doesn’t look up from admiring his flowers. “Maybe… Depends on if you follow through with your word. It was nice seeing you, Cristian. Thank you for being honest with me, and for doing the right thing by Dad.”
Being called by name…fuck. He might as well have fucking gutted me.
“I love you, Roman.”
I meet Carter’s sympathetic eyes once more, before standing and leaving the room. My heart is in my throat and tears burn the back of my eyes as I step into the hall…and meet Ignacio fucking Martelli’s gaze as he stares longingly at Roman’s door.
And for the first time since Roman was first placed in my arms as a newborn, I don’t know what to do.
Fuck.