Chapter 10
Bo
“Okay, when you said he was hot, I was unaware of the level of hot we were dealing with, Bowen. My gawd!” Noah grabs his bag, looking through it and grabbing out a worn paperback then flipping through the pages. “He looks just like one of the MCs in this book.”
“What? MC?”
“Oh, main character. The love interest. Alexio Perez. Football captain for the Onadoga Tigers and panty-melting wet dream.” He sighs. “He’s hot, surly, and straight.” He winks twice. "Or so he says."
“Why . . . Why did you bring a book to the bar?”
“I don’t understand your question.” He blinks.
“Why wouldn’t I bring a book?” Noah hops up onto my bed, sitting back on his thighs to look at me, and I grab the book to read the back of it.
“You know, in my mind I was thinking he’d be like, a respectable cutie next door—calls your father sir, and later you’ll call him Daddy.
” He fans himself. “I was not expecting muscle daddy, throw me around the room and not break a sweat type of fine. That man looks dangerous.”
“Yeah, well, that man is afraid of crickets, so . . .” Noah’s lip quirks. I want to stop talking about Cam. “What type of hot is Jamie?”
“Hmm.” Noah thinks, tapping his finger on his chin.
“Jamie gives vampire brooding in the corner of a room vibes. Focused only on you, even among a sea of gorgeous people kind of hot.” I can’t help but laugh.
“He’s the loner in the back of art class hot.
” My new friend is crazy. “He looks scary. No one sits near him, because they don’t dare, but one day .
. .” Noah swoons against me. “You dare.” He bounces, bringing his legs in front of himself and sitting on my bed normally. “Today’s going to suck.”
“Do you think you guys will get together?”
“I don’t know. I really hurt him. My brain is such a drama queen sometimes. I just need to talk to him, apologize . . . stop running from the hard shit just because it makes me squirmy.”
“Well, let’s get you home so you can go get yourself a boyfriend.”
Noah gets up, grabbing his clothes and swiping my hoodie from last night with a questioning look.
“Go ahead,” I say, and he takes it happily, going into the bathroom.
I’m so happy for him. I am. But part of me hates the slick feeling in my gut.
I am happy, but yeah, kind of jealous. Guys like Noah will always get their guy in the end.
But here I am, stuck, and I don’t know how to get out of this.
I said last night I was going to hook up with someone new, and I’m really happy how it turned out.
Now, though, with a new day pouring in through my windows, I don’t know. A romantic relationship with anyone who isn’t Cam just doesn’t appeal to me. Sex is whatever, but if I really think about my life, it’s hard to do so without him in it.
I can’t picture anyone else beside me but Cam. He’s my soulmate. Simple as that.
Wiping my eyes on the back of my hand, I can’t stop the tears as they fall. I don’t know why I’m choosing right now to have a mental breakdown, but thanks brain for letting me do it while my possible new friend is in the bathroom.
Sucking in a breath, I can feel my lungs tighten a bit.
Okay breathe, just calm down. I don’t know why crying always stirs my asthma, I hate it.
Reaching for my nightstand, I grab out my inhaler, taking a puff and sitting for a moment with my eyes shut before giving myself another round. Just calm down.
I hear the bathroom door click and open, one eye seeing Noah round the bed, concern in his green eyes. “What’s wrong?” He rushes to grab me in his hands. “Are you okay?”
I take a minute to get myself together. “Sorry.” Calm, just calm down. “I just sometimes, when I’m upset, it triggers—”
“Hey, shh, don’t speak. Just focus on you.
” He grabs me to him in a big hug, patting my hair.
“Want me to punch him? I will probably break my hands on his biceps, but I’ll try my best.” I laugh wetly against him, sinking into his soothing touch.
“Do you want to talk about it? I don’t have to be back right away.
” This right here is what I need in my life. A great friend. Now I have two.
It just sucks that my first friend is the reason for all this emotion choking my lungs. “I’m okay . . . I just kind of came to a . . . realization. I didn’t like it.”
“What?”
“That last night, I was never really going to hook up with you.” I take a minute to steady myself.
“I told myself I could do it. But I wouldn’t have.
” It’s Cam or nothing, and strangely enough I feel at peace with that.
“I don’t want it if it’s not with him.” I shrug.
“Maybe I’ll change my mind.” I don’t think I will.
I’ve been painfully in love with him for most my life and those feelings haven’t changed.
Cam is my soulmate, even if I have to be okay with not being his. “I’m okay with it.”
Or at least, I will be. I have to be.
“Well, give me your number because Cam is going to have to make room. I’ll fight him for his spot, I swear, just give me the word. I’ll start at his knees and work my way up.”
I laugh, taking Noah’s phone and putting my number in, then I look at the photo of Jamie hugging a stuffed fox in his grip like it’s his only lifeline here on earth.
He’s not wearing a shirt, and I can see the shadow of scars along his chest. A black snake is tattooed along the arm holding the plushie, with pink and red cherry blossoms weaving throughout.
Noah gently takes his phone back, looking at the photo. “That sexy fucker.” He shakes his head then shuts his phone off. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay for a bit?”
“I’m okay. Let me take you back after you eat.
” I search through my dresser, finding a pair of pants and pulling them on.
Noah’s wearing my hoodie, so I go to my closet and find Cam’s old high school basketball hoodie and pull it on.
He outgrew it a long time ago, but I still wear it. It’s worn and soft.
And yeah, somehow still smells like him.
When we walk into the living room, Cam’s busy moving around the kitchen, and I can smell what he’s cooking .
. . and I’m right. A moment later I see his famous—in his opinion—jalapeno popper muffins.
“Ugh, those smell so good!” Noah hops up on one of my bar stools, and Cam’s eyes flick to my hoodie that he’s wearing, then passes a glance at me.
“Here, uh, take as much as you like.”
“They’re gluten free, just so you know,” I say.
“I make them for Bo all the time. I use coconut sugar and oil in them.”
“Why gluten free?” Noah asks me, moaning around a bite. “Oh my god! These are delicious.”
“I have celiac disease. Cam’s always trying to find new recipes that I can try.” He pushes the plate of muffins toward me, then he gets out the butter and cuts a few slabs for us in case we want them.
I sit beside Noah, picking at my food. The weirdness is slowly making my skin itch. “Do you want something to drink?”
“Do you have iced coffee?”
“I have some in the fridge,” I say, and Cam turns to it, getting out my bottle of iced coffee and pouring Noah a glass.
“I have creamer in there too. It’s made with almond milk.
” Noah looks at me. “I um, milk doesn’t agree with me either.
I don’t think I’m lactose intolerant, but milk messes me up.
Cam likes almond milk better anyway. He always gets the banana flavored one. ”
“I like bananas,” Cam says.
“Uh-huh.” Noah sucks his teeth. “Remains to be seen.”
“Noah,” I hiss. A mischievous smile grows on his face.
“Do you have any non-banana-flavored almond milk in there?”
“There should be plain oat milk. You can use that. I make smoothies with it.”
“Oh! Please. Thank you.”
Cam pours a healthy amount of creamer and grabs ice from my freezer, dropping a handful in, then slides the cup to Noah.
“Mmm, thanks, Gym Daddy.” I nearly choke on my muffin.
“Gym what?”
“Gym Daddy,” Noah says simply. “Once I go home and make up with the dumbass man I’m in love with, you guys should come over for a game night. I’m going to make Jamie suffer, and his punishment will be socializing.”
Cam looks at me, and yeah, I’ll have to explain this whole situation, huh? “Um, Jamie?”
“My sexy roommate slash lover slash man who drives me absolutely insane daily. Ugh, I love him.”
I laugh, then look up, and Cam is watching Noah. There’s a weirdness to him. I don’t know why. It’s like he’s studying him.
“Soon, so be ready, we’re going to have an epic game night.”
“Um, alright,” Cam says softly, still looking at Noah weirdly.
“You can meet Puck Daddy and Mark too.” He looks at me. “Mark is my bestie.”
“Do you two have plans today or—”
“I’m taking Noah home after we eat.”
“Bo was too much man for me,” Noah says with a loud sip. “Fuck yes. Ice coffee fixes everything.”
I look at Cam, and I can see the same question in his eyes as the one in my head. Are we okay? The answer is no, we need to talk when I get back. Wait. “What’s Jamie’s Daddy nickname?”
Noah snorts. “I’m his daddy.” I laugh, taking a bite of my muffin.
Ugh, he’s so good at baking, it’s unfair.
One time in middle school, I accidentally ate something of Cam’s that I thought was safe.
It wasn’t, and I spent the next couple of days paying the price for it.
Ever since then, Cam’s been super careful of what he has around me.
It was totally my fault, I shouldn’t have taken his food, but since then he’s slowly changed his diet.
“Take some for the road,” Cam says. “There’s plenty.” He bags up a couple for Noah then notices the sweatshirt he’s wearing. “Is that your hoodie?” he asks me.
“This has been really fun but I have a fight to get into. I just know he didn’t sleep for shit last night. He’s going to be extra bitchy.” Noah sighs. “Thank you for the road muffins. Much appreciated. Bowen, my darling, please take me home.” He finishes the last few sips of his coffee.
“I’ll be back in a bit, Cam,” I say to him. “We can talk when I get back.”
He nods, squeezing my arm like he needs to touch me. “Okay.” He looks at Noah. “It was nice to meet you, Noah.”
“You too, Gym Daddy.”
I’m just happy to have today off. I will have to play at the restaurant downstairs this weekend, but depending how this goes with Cam, leaving my house may be a good thing. It’s fine. We just need to talk. Everything will go back to normal.
Only this time I know what he tastes like.
When I get back, Cam is sitting on the couch in a tank top with ungodly wide arm holes that go down to his ribs, and black gym shorts that show off his muscular calves. My friend is hot—very, very hot—with insides more beautiful than the exterior.
I drink him in, savor him, and wish for the millionth time that things could be different. They’re not. And I have to be okay with it. I have to be okay with what I do have.
With Cam in my life, that’s a lot.
I have a lot.
“So uh, looks like you had a night.” He smiles tightly, those golden eyes a bit duller than I’m used to. What happened to him last night? I want details and also to never speak of it again. Dumbass Max and his dumbass chiseled body and gorgeous dumbass face. “Noah seems . . . yeah.”
“Nothing happened with Noah and me. If you couldn't tell he's kind of in love with someone else.” I’ll just get that out of the way. There’s no point in even joking about it. I am not in a joking mood.
“The condom? Making animal balloons or . . . ?”
“A failed attempt at a hookup. Shit went awry.” I hate the curiosity. Part of me wants to know what he did last night, almost more than the part of me that never wants to think about it.
“What about you? Max was hot.”
Cam’s eyes drop to his lap. “A failed attempt at a hookup,” he echoes. “Look, Bo, I—”
“Just wait.” I drop down beside him, my fingers playing in my lap.
I can’t look at him. I need to rip the bandage off.
“I need you in my life, and things have been kind of weird since we kissed. I hate that, and I don’t want to lose you.
” I swallow hard. “We’re enough of a mess without blurring the lines, and if you want to talk about what happened last night with Max, I’m here.
You can talk to me about anything, especially if you’re confused.
” My vision blurs as heat hugs my eyes. Still looking at my lap, I breathe deep.
“I want to go back to how it was before we kissed.”
I’m afraid to look up and meet his eyes. His warm fingers slide into mine on my lap. Blinking, I look up at him, and the sheen in his amber eyes matches my own. The warm touch eases some of my pain. “I’m always going to be your friend, Bo. Always.”
He doesn’t say it, but it’s loud and clear.
That’s all we’ll ever be.
And that’s okay. Right? “I’m sorry things have been weird, and I’m sorry about the attitude last night. You were confused and I didn’t help any. I can imagine that was scary. You’re going through something and I didn’t help much.”
Cam’s smile warms me, and his fingers squeeze mine.
“I love you. You know that?” He loops his arm around me, pulling me into his side, and I lean into him, my hand smoothing across his stomach to hug him to me.
We sit like that for a minute, and I try so hard to be okay with this. This is all I need.
He plants a kiss on top of my head, his lips lingering for a second before he pulls away.
I feel like I’m drowning, but he doesn’t see it.
I won’t ever let him see it. Even after that kiss, he never asked if I have feelings for him, and maybe that’s for the best. I don’t think I could lie to him.
I’m a mess, and he is too. Our messes combined would be a disaster.
“I’m going to go down to the gym for a bit. Can we do something fun tonight?”
All I can do is nod because if I speak I’ll lose it. He slumps against me, laying his head on mine, then kisses me one more time on my temple. I watch him get up and I look at him . . . this beautiful boy, inside and out.
“That sound okay?” He looks at me, and I take a deep breath—through my nose and out of my mouth—then throw on the realest smile I can manage.
“That sounds amazing. Overdo.”
I want him to leave me be, but he just stands there, watching me. It’s starting to make me feel jittery. I’m slowly crumbling. I need space. Thankfully, with him at the gym I can have some.
“We’re okay, right?
“We’re okay, Camden Roberta Almeida.”
His grin is brilliant. “Good, Bowen Samantha Zhao.”