Chapter 15 #3
“I told Hunter that Cam has a thing for you.”
“I’m the one in love with him. He just . . . I don’t know. He’s a little lost right now—and horny. He’s usually always in a relationship.” As I say the words it’s like a lightbulb comes on. Cam’s just horny. He’s not used to going this long without hooking up with someone.
“Yeah, well, the way he acted at the bar on my birthday . . . That man is into you. He couldn’t stop staring at you.”
“And that kiss.” Mark shakes his head. “Trust us, that man is into you.”
They don’t know us. Cam is just a mess right now. He’s figuring himself out and I’m just there. There and so, so willing. Too willing, probably. “What happened yesterday?” Noah asks gently.
“When I got home . . .” My face burns. I don’t know if I can admit to it.
“Do you want me to tell you an embarrassing sex thing first?” Noah smiles.
“No.” Jamie shakes his head.
“You assume you’d be involved in the story.”
Jamie closes his eyes taking a deep breath. “Oh, I can count on it.”
Noah stares at his boyfriend before looking to me. “One time, when I had Jamie tied to our bedpost—”
“No.” Jamie shakes his head. “No. Pick something else. Something with Mark.”
“Uh, that wasn’t embarrassing, just gross.”
“I could make you come hands free.” Mark rolls his eyes.
“I do that all the time, you’re not special!” Jamie bites back.
Ignoring their bickering I blurt out, “Cam cashed in his prize for game night.” Everyone looks at me.
“He walked in on me uh . . . using a toy, and uh . . . stayed. He asked to watch for his prize, then he came when I did. It was . . .” Insane.
“Then this morning he fingered me on my dresser until I came again.” My face is on fire.
I feel tears heating my vision, but I blink them away.
“I don’t know what to do. I have to stop it, I know that, but .
. . it’s like I’m finally getting what I’ve always wanted.
No, actually I’m not, because I don’t even care about all that.
I just want him. I want him so bad it’s making me sick.
” I know I need to put an end to this, because on the other side of this, Cam will not end up with me.
“I’m really sorry.” I feel an arm around me, and I look up, surprised to see Mark. He got a haircut since I last saw him at the bar. It’s short and spiky and styled. It looks really good. I smile gratefully. He squeezes my arm then lets it go.
“Does he know how you feel?”
I think about it. He should, right? Yeah, okay, I’ve never outright said I have feelings for him, but shouldn’t he feel it? “It’s never come up.”
“What do you mean?” Jamie asks, which surprises me. “If you guys hook up, how doesn’t he know?”
I chew on the inside of my cheek. “Because whenever he brings up that we’re just hooking up, I agree. I um, I agree. I don’t tell him.”
“So he’s basically breaking your heart every time,” Mark says. And fuck, okay. I nod. “Bo.”
The nickname catches me in the stomach. The only person to ever call me that is Cam. “I know. I just can’t . . .” I swallow. “If I tell him I’m in love with him, then what? He loves me. I know that. But he’s not in love with me. It’ll just make everything worse. And weird.”
“You have to tell him,” Hunter says. “If you don’t, he’s going to keep hurting you, even if he doesn’t know it.”
“And we only met him once, but he clearly cares about you. I know he wouldn’t want to hurt you like that,” Mark adds.
What will hurt me more is Cam’s rejection. Then his awkwardness. Then suddenly we’re not hanging out, then barely speaking. The pity between us would be too much. “I can’t.”
Jamie leans forward, putting his elbows on the table. “Why don’t you guys come to the lake house with us?” Noah’s eyes whip to Jamie’s. “What?”
“Are you inviting people to our Christmas getaway?”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry, should I have—”
“You are so sexy. Ugh!” Noah grabs Jamie’s shoulders, shaking him. “Actively inviting friends to things. So proud of you, baby.”
“I need to smoke.” Jamie slides Noah off his lap and gets up. Hunter gets up too and—fuck, forgot he was naked. Damn. He slips on his boxers, then his jeans, then he follows Jamie out the back door.
“You’re going away for Christmas?”
Noah nods. “Just the week before Christmas. If you guys want to come, we’d love that. Mark and Hunter are coming. So are Bri and Xavi. Is Bakery Booty coming?” Noah asks Mark. Who the hell is that?
“Oh, um, no.” Mark sighs. “His mother’s gotten worse. I uh, think this will be the last Christmas they get together. His sister Jane is coming to stay with them for a bit. Hunter’s really upset.”
“Oh no.”
“Who is uh, Bakery Booty?”
“Hunter’s bestie, Sawyer,” Noah says.
“His mother has cancer, and he’s been taking care of her as well as running his bakery.
It’s been a bit rough lately.” He tries to throw on a smile, but Mark’s eyes shine, then he clears his throat.
“It’ll be fun, though. The lake house is beautiful this time of year with the snow covering the mountains. ”
Maybe a weekend away will do me good. The restaurant closes for the month of December every year, and my other job closes for two weeks until the new year.
Maybe I’ll see if Cam can get time off too.
Then, after that, I’ll let him go for good.
I can’t keep doing this—to either of us.
Wanting him isn’t good for me. I need to let it go.
It’s never going to happen the way I want, and I have to be okay with that.
I take out my phone to text Cam and ask if he wants to go. I click on his name, accidentally hitting the location button, and I’m about to shut it off and text him when I notice where he is. “Shit.”
Noah looks at me. “What?”
“It’s Cam.” All my problems go up in smoke. Cam, why? “Sorry Noah, I have to go.” I stand up. Nothing else matters right now.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s Cam. He’s at his dad’s house.” Which is only something he does when the guilt starts to get to him. Why didn’t he say something to me? He said he was working out . . . But of course he did. If he’d told me, I would have stopped him from going. Or tried to. “I need to go.”