Chapter Nine
Paisley
“WE ARE NOT GETTING that.” I laugh at Felix, who’s holding up the craziest piece of fruit I think I’ve ever seen in my life.
“Why not? Look how cool the spikes are.”
“Absolutely not.” I shake my head dramatically.
“You’re no fun,” he teases.
“That’s not what you were saying earlier.” I give him a knowing smirk, not the least bit surprised when he abandons the fruit for my hand, pulling me into his arms despite the fact that we’re in the middle of a grocery store.
“I still don’t know what came over you. I can’t say I’ve ever seen you so ravenous.”
Guilt pings around in my chest like it’s playing a game of pinball in there.
After Nash, the way he showed up outside my work, the way he looked at me, the things he said, I felt desperate to feel anything outside of the uncertainty he had stirred inside of me.
I’m not proud that I sought Felix out as a distraction. In fact, I feel so horrified by it that I’ve been sick to my stomach ever since, though I’m doing my absolute best not to let it show. If he knew the thoughts that were going through my head when Nash pinned me against the car, he’d be heartbroken. Then, add on the fact that I practically jumped his bones when I got to his house, Nash still heavy on my mind—it’s unspeakable.
But I keep reminding myself that it’s better than giving in to Nash, not that I wanted to or anything...
The lie is so easy to tell, I almost believe it.
No.
I love Felix. I intend to marry Felix. My body—the traitorous demon—is just having a hard time accepting that Nash is now the enemy. It’s like my brain and body are at odds now, each pulling in opposite directions, making me feel like I’m at risk of being ripped straight in half.
“Are you complaining?” I have to lean back slightly to look up at him.
“Me? Never.” He dips down, laying a kiss to my mouth.
“Felix,” I murmur against his lips. “We’re at the store.”
“And...” He pulls back just enough to meet my gaze.
“And I don’t feel like putting on a show.”
“I don’t care.” He moves to kiss me again, but I stop him with a firm hand to his chest.
“No, but I do. There is a long list of people I would not want to see me with my boyfriend’s tongue down my mouth.”
“Like Nash?” His hold on me disappears in an instant.
“What?” My stomach coils.
“You’ve never cared if I kissed you in public before.”
“And I don’t care now. I just think maybe the grocery store isn’t the time or place. There are children here.”
“And it’s your fiancé, since it would seem you need reminding.”
“Huh?” I give him a strange look, a bit caught off guard by his abrupt shift in mood.
“You said boyfriend.”
“I did?” I shake my head, having not even realized it.
“You did.”
“Are you mad at me?” His reaction blindsides me as Felix is usually such an easygoing person.
“I just don’t understand why you would call me that.” He turns, picking up the dragon fruit he had just abandoned before dropping it into the cart, almost as if to spite me.
“It was an honest mistake. Up until a couple of months ago, you were my boyfriend.” I touch his arm. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he snaps, immediately backtracking when he sees my hurt expression. “Shit, babe, I’m sorry. I don’t know what my problem is.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? If something is bothering you, you can tell me.”
“No, I’m good. Let’s get this done so we can go home where I can kiss you good and proper.” He looks at something behind me, his expression shifting slightly. “But I’m going to steal one more to hold me over.” His mouth is on mine so quickly, I barely have time to process the movement.
“Felix.” My objection is silenced when he swipes his tongue along mine, slow and deep.
“See, that wasn’t so bad.” He grins as he pulls back.
“Well, don’t you two look cute.” I tense at the too-familiar voice that comes from behind me. “Was the show for me, or was there someone else’s nose you were trying to rub in shit?”
It’s like someone has dumped a bucket of ice water straight down my back, chilling me straight to the bone.
“I didn’t even see you there.” Felix’s smile stretches in an almost taunting way.
I reluctantly turn, my eyes locking with Nash’s for a brief moment before they dart to his left, where Iris stands with a cart.
“If your game is to show how desperate you are, you’re doing a fantastic job,” Nash fires back.
“Desperate.” Felix barks out a humorless laugh. “I think you’re getting the two of us confused.”
“Come on, Felix. We should go.” I start to move, but he grabs the side of the cart, stopping my progression forward.
“No, he should leave. It’s what he’s good at anyway.”
“You know what else I’m good at.” Nash bares his teeth. “Beating your fucking ass.”
“You caught me off guard the other day. You got lucky.”
“Do you want to test that theory?” Nash takes a step forward and on instinct, I immediately abandon my cart to step in between him and Felix.
“This is not the place,” I say to Nash directly.
“I could say the same to you.” He doesn’t seem angry... If anything, he seems hurt, and for some reason this bothers me more than if he was mad.
I shouldn’t care if my actions hurt him. Not after everything... And yet, I do.
“Don’t you have a fucking needle to stick in your arm?” Felix says from behind me and in an instant every ounce of blood drains from my face.
“That’s enough!” I shout, my voice carrying through the store like I’ve just shouted through a megaphone. I spin around so fast I damn near fall. “What is wrong with you?” I look up at Felix, not sure I recognize the person staring back at me at the moment.
“Me?” His nostrils flare in anger. “What about him? He fucking started it. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised you’d take his side.”
“Would you listen to yourself...”
“Paisley.” Someone touches my arm. I know it’s Nash the instant the contact is made.
“Don’t touch me.” I smack his hand away. “Don’t either of you touch me.” I shove the cart out of my way so hard it hits one of the produce stands with a bang, causing several oranges to spill to the floor.
“Paisley.” It’s Felix who says my name this time.
“You two are children, and right now, I don’t want to be around either of you,” I spit, sprinting for the door like someone has just lit the trail behind me on fire.
My lungs feel clogged as I struggle to pull in a real breath. My hands shake and my heart is beating so hard in my chest, I’m convinced that by the time I reach the parking lot, there’s a new cavity inside of it.
“Paisley, wait!” Felix calls from behind me, easily catching up to me with his long stride.
“You knew he was there!” I turn so abruptly he almost runs directly into me. “You knew Nash was there. That’s why you kissed me again! You wanted him to see.”
“So what if I did? He still thinks you’re his. He needs to know you aren’t.”
“So you used me.”
“I never—”
“You threw me into the middle of your childish pissing match,” I cut him off. “You used me. And what you said about the needle in his arm... Why would you ever say that?”
“Why do you care what I say to him?” His voice rises.
“Because I’m not a monster. What if that is the very thing that sends him over the edge?”
“I hope it does!”
“You don’t mean that.” I take a step back.
“Yes, I do. I don’t want him here. Nothing has been right since he showed up and you’re trying to pretend like everything is fine when we both know it isn’t.”
“Clearly, I’m not the only one who’s pretending!” I shout back. “Considering all of this is coming completely out of nowhere.”
“You shouldn’t be surprised. We both know you wanted to run to him the instant you realized he was back. The only reason you didn’t is because you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. So really, who is using who?”
“If you really think that, then why are you still standing here?”
“Honestly, I’m not even sure anymore.” His words add another slice to my already bleeding chest.
“Then I’m not sure I want to marry you either,” I fire back, letting my emotions get the better of me.
“Fine with me. We both know it’s what you really want anyway!” he screams, causing me to take another step backward.
I’ve seen Felix angry, of course I have. Couples fight. But this, this is a side of Felix that has never been directed toward me. I’m as angered by it as I am devastated that he would talk to me in such a way.
“Says the one who’s purposely pushing me away!” I yell back, swiping at an angry tear that manages to slip past my lashes.
“Keep telling yourself that, Paisley.” He snorts, like it’s the most absurd thing he’s ever heard.
I mean, sure, I’ve been a bit distracted since Nash came back to town, but if anything, it’s made me hold onto him tighter. He’s the one acting like a complete and total asshole.
“You know what, I’m done here.” I move to push past him, but he grabs my upper arm, preventing me from leaving. “Let go of me, Felix.” I try to pull my arm away, but he only tightens his grip. He’s not hurting me, not physically anyway, but that doesn’t stop me from making him think that he is. “You’re hurting me,” I whine, knowing he’ll release me in an instant, and he does.
Unfortunately, he isn’t the only one who heard me say it, and before either of us can react, Nash barrels into Felix, tackling him to the ground with a hard thud.
I watch in paralyzed shock as Nash hits Felix square in the face, his head pinging off the concrete beneath him.
“Do not ever put your hands on her.” Another hard punch, this one causing blood to spray from Felix’s nose.
“Stop!” A shriek fills the air around us, and it takes a good ten seconds before I realize it came from my mouth.
Nash’s wild eyes shoot toward me just long enough for Felix to have time to recover and take a swing of his own. It connects with the side of Nash’s face with a sickening crack, sending him to the left.
“Stop!” I scream again as I lunge toward the two men on the ground.
I no more than reach them before something strikes the side of my head, just above my ear, the action jarring my entire body. I have no idea who or what hit me, only that whatever it was, it was enough to send me toppling to the ground.
“Paisley.” Felix’s voice sounds far away.
“What the fuck is wrong with you two?” It’s Iris this time, though my eyes have a hard time focusing on her as she kneels down beside me.
“P...” A panicked Nash is suddenly in my face.
“Get the fuck away from her,” Felix roars, his face taking the place of Nash’s.
“How about you both get the fuck away from her.” Iris grabs me under the arm and tries to pull me up. “Come on, Paisley, let me get you out of here.”
“Iris.” I hear myself say... Or at least I think I said it. I feel super disoriented, everything coming at me in flashes, almost like photographs rather than live action.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” It’s Felix this time... I think.
“Getting her the hell away from the two of you.”
I’m on my feet now, but I feel strangely off balance.
“Can you walk?”
I blink, and like a light switch being flipped, everything comes back into focus.
“Yes,” I croak, touching the side of my head. “Why is my hair wet?” I ask to no one in particular, pulling my hand away to see blood staining my fingertips. “Someone hit me.” My gaze darts from Iris to Nash, and then lastly, to Felix.
“I’m so sorry, Paisley. I didn’t see you there. You know I would never...” Felix swipes at the blood still trickling from his nose. “This is your fault,” he spits at Nash.
“My fault? You’re the one who fucking hit her. You’re lucky I haven’t beat your fucking skull in yet. But don’t worry, there’s still time.”
“I’m standing right here, aren’t I?” He snarls.
“Really, guys? She’s standing here bleeding because of you two jackasses and still, you can’t help yourselves.”
“I just want to get out of here,” I say, still feeling a bit off-kilter.
“I’ll take you home.” Felix steps toward me, but I hold a hand out to stop him.
“Not you.” I shake my head. “Not either of you.” I briefly glance at Nash, whose jaw is bright red and swollen. “Can you take me home?” I look at Iris, who’s standing next to me, her arm linked through mine, helping to keep me steady.
“Can you find a way home?” she asks, presumably Nash. Whom I can only assume nods because seconds later, she turns back to me with a nod. I hadn’t even considered they had ridden together, but I guess that makes sense.
I can’t deny that the two of them spending time together bothers me. It does. Not because I’m jealous, or maybe I am, but also because, after everything, I expected her to be on my side, not his. Then again, the sides are so blurred these days, I’m not even sure whose side I’m on.
“Let’s go,” I say, eager to get the hell out of here.
“P...”
I don’t look up, but I can hear the plea in Nash’s voice in that one syllable.
Instead, I turn my gaze to Felix.
“If you truly love me, you will get in your truck and go home right now,” I tell him. “This ends here. I will not have you two fighting over me at every turn. If this continues, I will remove myself from the equation entirely.” I allow myself to briefly look at Nash before my eyes meet Felix’s once more. “I will not let this be my life.” My chin quivers with emotion.
“Paisley...” The look on Felix’s face makes me want to scream with frustration and burst into tears all in the same breath.
This isn’t his fault, not really, and yet I can’t push past my anger to allow myself to accept that.
“Let’s go.” Iris quickly leads me away.
I’m both relieved and devastated when Iris helps me into her car a few moments later. Because even though I know I need to be as far away from this situation as possible, it breaks my heart to have just left them both standing there. Especially Felix, who doesn’t deserve any of this. This is on me.
I knew better than to give Nash an in. I knew better than to go to the rocks that day. Just like I knew I should have told him to fuck off when he showed up outside my work. Instead, I played right into his hands.
Not anymore.
My days of bending to the will of Nash Ketter are over.
Now, if only I can find the strength to see that through.
“Are you okay?” Iris asks a few moments later from the driver’s seat as she pulls out of the parking lot.
I don’t look back to see if Nash and Felix are still there. I can’t. Because if they are, I’m not sure I’ll have it in me to leave, too afraid of what they might do to each other once I’m gone.
“I’m fine.” I look down at my hands, at the blood staining my fingers. I have no idea if I’m still bleeding or even where exactly I’m bleeding from, but my ear still feels like it’s ringing, so that’s awesome .
“You took a pretty hard hit. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Trust me, the physical pain is nothing compared to how I’m feeling internally. I just don’t understand why they keep doing this. Why he keeps doing this.”
“You think this is Nash’s fault?” She seems surprised by this.
“You don’t? He’s the one who came rushing at Felix like a bull. He hit Felix first, just like last time. I shouldn’t be surprised. Like father, like son, I guess.”
“Nash is nothing like his father, and you know it.” Irritation laces her words. “He saw Felix grab you. How did you expect him to react?”
“I don’t know, like a freaking adult. He threw me away and now, all of a sudden, he wants to be my savior? Lot of good that did, considering I’m currently bleeding.”
“Felix is the one who hit you. Not Nash.”
“Felix hit me by accident . It was my fault for trying to get in between them.”
“Well, none of it would have happened if Felix hadn’t egged Nash on.”
“Felix hasn’t done anything to Nash.”
“Outside of taking his girl, you mean.”
“What the hell is with everyone? I am not Nash’s girl. He left me, remember?”
“Bro code. How would you feel if you were the one who left, only to come back and see me and Nash together?”
“I would never leave. I would have died before leaving him.” I stare out the window, emotion making my throat tight.
“That’s not the point. If the roles were reversed, you’d be furious with me.”
“Maybe. But that doesn’t mean I’d try to knock your head off your shoulders every time I saw you.”
“Maybe not, but if I dangled him in front of you at every turn, maybe you would.”
“Felix isn’t dangling me in front of anyone. We’re together.”
“Felix saw us. He made eye contact with Nash and then made a show of kissing you in front of him. He’s purposely rubbing you in his face. Surely you see that.”
“Of course you would take his side. Because apparently, you two are friends now.” I use my fingers to put air quotations around the word friends.
“We are, actually. Because, believe it or not, Nash is hurting and he needs someone. And since his best friend is otherwise occupied...”
“You’re kidding me, right? You, of all people, know what that man did to me. I don’t care what he’s been through. He made his own bed and now he has to lie in it.”
“He was wrong for leaving you the way he did, I’ll admit. But at the end of the day, he was just trying to protect you.”
“Don’t feed me that bullshit. He lied to me, over and over again, and then he left with no real explanation. If he was truly doing it for me, he would have told me the truth and let me help him.”
“Some things aren’t always that simple,” she argues.
“Yes, they are actually.”
“And you think Felix hasn’t lied to you?”
“Not this again.” I toss my hands up. “Yes, I know he knew about Nash and kept the truth from me. But Felix was actually protecting me.”
“You’re so na?ve it’s laughable.” She grips the steering wheel with both hands.
“Last time I checked, we aren’t really friends anymore. So please don’t pretend like you understand anything about my life or my relationship with Felix. Because you don’t.”
“Whose fault is that? Because it surely isn’t mine!” Her words feel like a slap across the face, no matter how true they may be.
“Just get me home and we can be done with this. You and Nash can go do whatever the fuck it is you’re doing, and I will return to what was a very happy relationship before Nash showed up and messed it all up.”
“You have no idea how much Nash loves you. You have no idea what he went through trying to fight his way back to you. You’re too absorbed by your own pain to see that you’re not the only one who’s hurting.”
“And I’m sure you know all about what he went through, huh? Because you two are so close now.”
“Actually, I know a fair bit. And let me just tell you, it’s not good.”
“I don’t care.”
“Yes, you do.” She calls me on my bluff. “Because despite everything, when you look at him, all you see is how much you still love him.”
“Ha!” I smack my knee dramatically.
“Blowjobs,” she randomly blurts.
“What?” I sneer, looking at her like she’s mental.
“Nash would give other men blowjobs for money so that he could buy drugs.”
My stomach drops clean out of my body—or at least that’s what it feels like. I stare at her profile, unable to believe the words she’s saying.
“No, he didn’t,” I croak.
“Yes, he did. Complete fucking strangers.”
I feel like someone has just flipped me upside down and left me dangling from the ceiling, all the blood in my body rushing to my head, making me feel lightheaded.
“I don’t believe you.” My voice barely breaks the surface.
“He said he can’t remember how many times it was. So many that he lost count.”
“Stop.” The image is too disturbing to even wrap my head around. The fact that Nash would do anything even remotely close to that is so far outside of the person I know him to be it feels impossible.
“He slept on the streets for weeks on end.”
“I said stop!”
The car falls eerily silent.
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years,” she says after a few long beats, “it’s that the person isn’t the addiction. The things they do, the people they hurt, it wasn’t them. Not really. He needs your forgiveness, Paisley. He needs to be able to bury the past and move on with his life. Otherwise, the things he did, they’ll eat at him forever.”
“And what happens if I forgive him?” I ask after a long moment.
“What do you mean, what happens?”
“Does he go away? Does he stop burning my life to the ground?”
“I don’t know. All I do know is that until you forgive him, he will be forever stuck in this perpetual cycle of blame and regret. And eventually, it may even lead him to use again.”
“I can’t let him back into my life, Iris. Not after everything. I’d always be holding my breath, waiting for it to happen again.”
“No one is saying you have to.”
“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” I finally say.
“I’m sorry I yelled back.” She smiles, and I’m struck by just how pretty she is. I had almost forgotten.
“And I’m sorry I let our friendship fade after Nash left. I was just so...”
“Broken.” She finishes the sentence for me.
“Yeah,” I admit. “I let my pain take precedence over everything. I was drowning in it. Felix... He’s the only one who was able to pull me out from under it. He taught me how to smile again, how to laugh, and eventually, how to open my heart back up. I know he’s not perfect, but that man brought me back to the land of the living, and I can’t give that up... Not even for Nash.”
The words feel thick in my throat, like having to sludge through tar before reaching the surface.
“I get that. I just don’t want you to wake up one day and realize that you chose him because you felt indebted to him in some way.”
“That is not why I’m choosing Felix. I’m choosing him because I love him. Had you told me four years ago that would be the case, I would have laughed you off the planet. But today, I mean every word.”
And I do. But loving Felix doesn’t mean I don’t also still love Nash. As much as I hate allowing myself to admit that I still feel that way, even now, even after everything. But loving him and choosing him are two very different things.
“I just... I always thought you and Nash would be together forever. Your lives are so intertwined, like fate was tying invisible strings between your life and his. I just can’t imagine a world where the two of you don’t find each other again.”
“I wanted that for us. From the time we were kids, I could see it all. Our entire future planned out as if it had already been written in the stars. But things don’t always work out the way you want.”
“There’s still time, you know. You could choose differently.”
“I can’t turn my back on the man who pieced my life back together, for the man who broke it apart in the first place. I will always love Nash, but he’s my past.”
I want to believe what I’m saying so desperately that a part of me actually does.
“Will you at least talk to him? He needs that, and honestly, so do you.”
“I need some time to process all of this. But yes, I will talk to him when I’m ready.”
“And just for the record, me being friends with Nash doesn’t mean I can’t also be friends with you. We were very close once upon a time, and I miss that.”
“Me too,” I admit softly.
“Okay, well, here we are,” she needlessly announces as she pulls up to the curb in front of my house.
“Thanks again for the ride.”
“Of course.” She puts the car in park.
“Will you check on him?” I reluctantly ask. I don’t need to clarify who. She knows exactly who I’m talking about.
“I will.”
“Okay.” I nod once before unbuckling my seat belt and quickly climbing from the car.