Chapter Eleven
Paisley
“THEY TURNED OUT SO much better than I expected,” my mom tells me as we look over the wedding invitations that just arrived.
I’ve read the one I’m holding at least a dozen times, and yet, seeing Felix’s and my name scrawled across the decorative paper still hasn’t fully sunken in. Obviously, I knew they would be coming soon. We ordered them weeks ago, but something about them arriving makes everything suddenly feel so real .
“Why does it seem like there are so many of them?” I wonder aloud.
“The packing slip says fifty, but you’re right, it does seem like a lot. Probably because the paper is so thick.”
“Yeah,” I quietly agree, flipping the invitation to the back and then to the front again.
“Do you not like them?”
I look up at my mom to find her watching me.
“No, they’re beautiful.” I force a smile.
“Then why do you look like you’re about to be sick?”
“Do I?” I chuckle, forcing humor I do not actually feel.
I just can’t shake this weird feeling in my gut, the one I’ve had since my encounter with Nash yesterday. I can’t explain it, but something feels off. I tried to reason with myself that it was just because of everything he said and the way he pressed against me, reminding my body of the familiarity of his touch, but I don’t think that’s it.
Maybe it’s what Iris said about the things he did to get money for drugs, or maybe it’s fear that something I did or said will be the thing that sends him over the edge again, but whatever it is, I’ve had this nagging feeling ever since I drove away. Like I know something bad is going to happen, but I can’t figure out when or to whom it’s going to happen to.
“Have you spoken to Nash recently?” Mom asks as if she can see right into my head and knows the second he crosses my mind.
“Yesterday.” I nod.
“How is he?”
“Fine.”
“Did you just run into him?” She prods for more information.
“I went to his dad’s old place to talk to him.”
“Well, that’s a good sign.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself. I went to see him to tell him he can’t be in my life.”
“Paisley...”
“Don’t Paisley me, Mom. It was him or Felix. If I try to keep them both in my life, one is bound to end up killing the other, and honestly, the stress isn’t good for any of us. Besides, out of the two, who’s actually earned the right to be in my life? The one who fought for me or the one who discarded me like trash?”
“I wouldn’t say he discarded you like trash... But I do see your point.”
I give her an annoyed look, a little surprised when she jumps over to team Paisley.
“Thank you.” I set the invitation I’m still holding on the table in front of me. “They really are beautiful.” I refocus on the matter at hand. “Did you get Aunt Jane’s new address?”
“Yep. I have everyone on your list and Felix provided me with the addresses of his family already. I can start filling them out tomorrow.”
“That’s okay. I should be the one to do it.”
“Okay, then.” She gently touches the back of my hand. “If you need my help with anything...”
“I’ll let you know.”
I look up when I hear my father’s voice.
“What are you two doing in here? Celine and I are enjoying the pool without you.” He tugs open the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water.
“We were on our way, but then these came,” my mother tells him, waiting until he approaches the table before handing him an invitation.
“I see.” He looks it over before handing it back to my mom. “Very nice.” He gives the most generic sign of approval. At least he’s hiding his disapproval, this time anyway.
I mean, obviously they support me and this wedding, but that doesn’t mean they’re happy about it. They both think I’m too young, but I think it’s less about the fact that I’m getting married and more about who I’m marrying. Though they have warmed up to Felix a little as of late.
“They are, aren’t they?” she agrees, adding it back to the pile. “How’s the water?”
“Perfection. I wish we had opened the pool sooner.”
“It wouldn’t be perfection if we had. You’d be freezing,” my mom points out.
“You two coming?” His gaze bobs between the two of us.
“I reckon we’ve put it off long enough,” she playfully huffs.
It’s no secret that my mom is not a huge fan of the water. My father, however, might as well be a fish. Hence why we own a pool in the first place.
“I’m just waiting on Felix to get here and I’ll join you,” I tell them both, not missing the look the two exchange.
They were the ones who invited him, which was just as big of a surprise to me as it was to Felix. Like I said, they seem to be warming up to him. Or at least that’s what I think until they exchange silent glances like the one they just did. Then I can’t help but wonder how much of it is real and how much of it is for show.
“Okay, we will see you out there.” My mom stands, joining my father.
Moments later, I’m left alone, staring at wedding invitations that should make me happy but weirdly make the pit in my stomach even worse.
My phone pings, giving me a welcome distraction from my thoughts as I pick up the device to find a text from Felix that he’s here.
Pushing away all thoughts of Nash, bad feelings, and unwelcome doubts, I stand and quickly cross to the front of the house. When I tug open the door, he’s already on the porch, looking so incredibly handsome in his black board shorts and gray muscle shirt.
“Hey.” I smile when the first thing he does is pull me into his arms.
“Hey.” He presses a long kiss to my lips.
The relief I feel at his easy greeting cannot be easily explained. I haven’t seen him since visiting Nash, and while I called him and told him almost everything, I still worried there would be a weird tension between us. He didn’t want me to go—he made no secret of that—but he understood why I needed to, which meant a lot to me.
“Dad says the water is perfect,” I tell him when he finally lets me resurface for air.
“I can’t wait. You know I’ve been itching to get in the water all spring.”
“Well, come on then.” I take his hand, tugging him into the house before closing the door behind us. “Also, our wedding invitations came today,” I quickly add.
“They did?” The excitement in his voice brings an instant smile to my lips.
I love that no matter what’s going on or how off I’m feeling, Felix has this way of making me feel... good. Like his happiness is contagious.
“They did,” I confirm.
“And?”
“They’re perfect. But don’t take my word for it.” I grab one of the invitations as soon as we enter the kitchen and hand it to him.
“God, I can’t wait.” His entire face lights up as he reads it.
“It’ll be here before you know it.”
“And it still won’t be soon enough.” He looks at me over the invitation. “I honestly can’t wait to make you my wife.”
“And I can’t wait to be your wife.”
And in this moment, I mean it. I love Felix so much sometimes I feel like I could burst. It’s just Nash... He has a way of getting into my head and making me question everything. I think it’s about time I stop letting him do that.
“I love hearing you say that.” He leans in and presses another kiss to my mouth. I let out a little squeal when his arm wraps around my middle and he tugs me close, deepening the kiss.
“Unless you want to face my father’s wrath”—I smile against his mouth—“we probably shouldn’t...”
“I’m not scared of your dad.” Another deep swipe of his tongue against mine.
“You say that now.” I press my hands to his chest and push. He reluctantly lets me.
“Fine,” he grumbles.
“Come on. Let’s get you into the water.” I intertwine our fingers.
“I can think of something I’d rather be in more.” He gives me a suggestive smirk.
“That’s for later,” I tell him with a wink, abruptly spinning toward the back door.
“Hey, wait for me.” He laughs when I pull open the door and step outside.
“WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING this?” My sister’s voice feels distant, like she’s on the other end of a long tunnel.
“Me? I’m not doing anything. You’re the one who has the problem.” It’s Felix this time, his voice a little closer but still far away.
Sleep holds me hostage, despite how hard I try to pull away from it.
“Not doing anything?” My sister’s shrill laugh has my eyes darting open.
I look around, quickly realizing I’m still lying in the same lounge chair as earlier, a beach towel draped over my head and torso to protect me from the sun.
I hadn’t intended to fall asleep, though I’m not at all surprised that I did. I didn’t sleep well last night, for obvious reasons. My mind too hyper focused on Nash to ever truly let me settle. And even when I did doze off, visions of him lying on a dirty floor, foaming at the mouth, plagued my dreams.
“You’re hilarious, you know that.” Celine’s voice drips with disdain, pulling my focus back to what woke me in the first place.
“And you’re a child,” Felix sneers, aggravation so clear in his voice.
“How long do you think it will be before she runs back to Nash? We both know it’s only a matter of time.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“I know that he’s been coming here, visiting with my parents.”
My stomach twists at her words. I wasn’t aware my parents had even seen Nash since he had returned.
“And?”
“He’s been gone four years and he’s still more a part of this family than you will ever be. You’re kidding yourself if you think this wedding is ever actually going to happen.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Am I? Or are you just in denial?”
As much as I want to hide under this towel and pretend like I’m still asleep, I can’t listen to another second.
“Celine!” I hiss, tossing the towel to the ground as I bolt upright.
I find her on the edge of the pool, her legs dangling over the edge into the water. Felix is in the pool not far from where she’s sitting, an innertube wrapped around his middle keeping him afloat. He’d look ridiculously cute if it weren’t for how angry he seems.
“What the hell are you doing?” I demand, throwing my legs over the side of the chair as I stand. “Why are you saying these things like you have any idea... You know less about my life than basically anyone else I know, so don’t for one second presume like you know anything.”
“Whose fault is that?” She, too, climbs to her feet. “You’ve always kept me at arm’s length,” she fires back. “And I don’t have to know you to be able to see what’s right in front of me. Nash is back and you’ve been weird ever since. Tell me that’s a coincidence.”
“Nash was part of my life for a very, very long time. Of course him coming back affects me. It affects everyone who loved him—Felix and our parents included.” I try to pretend like him reconnecting with my parents isn’t a complete shock to me, which I guess it shouldn’t be, but the fact that not a single person felt it prevalent to mention it does catch me a bit off guard.
“Some a little more than others, it would seem.” She gives me a look that makes me want to slap her, even though I’m the least violent person ever.
“What is your end goal here? You think you’ll plant a few seeds, take a few shots at me while I’m sleeping, and what? Felix will suddenly want to be with you instead?”
She draws back at my words, almost as if I had actually hit her, but she recovers quickly, a calculated smile tugging at her lips. She opens her mouth, like she’s really going to give it to me, but I cut her off before she has the chance.
“You think I don’t know that you’re like obsessed with him?” I gesture somewhere in the vicinity of Felix. “You have been since you were young. Newsflash, Celine, he doesn’t want you!” I feel horrible for saying it, but someone has to. This infatuation of hers has gone too far.
She deflates in an instant. Tears well behind her eyes, embarrassment seeping into every pore of her face, and what started as anger quickly turns into guilt.
“Celine...” I reach for her, even though she’s not even remotely close to me.
“Go to hell,” she spits, turning on her heel so fast she nearly falls.
I move to go after her, but Felix stops me. I hadn’t even realized he had gotten out of the pool until his fingers closed around my forearm, holding me in place.
“Let her go,” he says, his words soft. “She needed to hear it.”
“This is your fault, you know!” I spin on him, jerking my arm out of his grasp. “If you hadn’t fed into this fantasy of hers, none of this would be happening.”
“Are you seriously blaming me for your sister’s behavior?” He arches a brow in confusion. “That was four years ago, Paisley. I never thought—”
“I know,” I cut him off with a huff. “I’m sorry. She just... God, she drives me crazy sometimes. I don’t even think it’s about you. I just think she wants me to be miserable. I don’t know what I ever did to her to make her resent me so much.”
“You didn’t do anything,” Felix reassures, gently taking my hand, rubbing his thumb along the back in slow circles. “Celine has always been a self-absorbed, narcissistic brat. You know that. She can’t stand it when the world doesn’t revolve around her.” He lets out a slow breath. “Did you know Nash was coming here?” He abruptly shifts the conversation.
“I had no idea. My parents haven’t said anything to me.”
“And Nash didn’t mention it yesterday?” He seems completely at ease, but I don’t miss the unmistakable tick of anger behind his fa?ade.
“If he had, I would have told you.” I shake my head, pulling my hand away. “Where are my parents anyway?”
“They went to get dinner.”
“Dinner?” I blurt. “How long was I asleep?”
“For the better part of three hours.”
“And you didn’t wake me?”
“I wanted to let you rest. Besides, it gave me a chance to spend some time with your family, which I rather enjoyed until your mom and dad left and your sister decided to be a raging bitch.”
“Don’t call her that,” I bite. “She may be... difficult, but you don’t get to say things like that about her.”
“You’re right.” He takes a step back. “I’m sorry. She just has a way of pushing all the right buttons.”
“Oh, I know. She’s been doing it to me since she was little. It’s like her specialty. But you can’t listen to what she says. I’m convinced she’s an addict and drama is her drug.” A weird feeling slides through my chest at my words.
“You okay?” Felix doesn’t miss the change in my demeanor.
“Yeah, I just... I’m sorry. For my sister. For my parents. For all of it.”
“It’s not your fault. You can’t control other people’s actions.”
“No, but I can control my own. And there is something else I should tell you... About yesterday, I mean.” I drag my teeth across my bottom lip nervously.
“Okay...” His forehead crinkles in that way it does when he’s uncertain about something.
“You remember me telling you how I wrote Nash letters?”
“I recall you mentioning it a time or two.”
“That was before... You and me, you know...” I try to explain. “Anyways, I wrote him one every day for two years. Like, every single day. It was my way of trying to fill the void his absence had left in my life. Like if I could tell him how I was feeling, even if I wasn’t actually telling him, then it would help me move on. Eventually, the letters became less about missing him and more about how I was starting to feel things I didn’t think I’d ever feel again... For you,” I needlessly explain. “I wrote my last letter the day before I kissed you that first time.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I gave the letters to Nash. I needed him to understand what him leaving did to me. I needed him to see that you are the only reason I’m still standing here. I thought if he could hear it in my own words as it was happening, then maybe he would understand.”
“Understand what exactly?”
“Why I will never choose him.”
I can’t easily explain the array of emotions that cross Felix’s face. He blows out a slow, heavy sigh like he was holding his breath the entire time I was talking.
“Why didn’t you tell me this yesterday?”
“Honestly, I don’t know,” I admit, lifting my shoulder in a sad attempt at a shrug.
“Is there anything else? Anything at all you didn’t tell me?”
“No.” The lie tastes bitter on my tongue. But at the end of the day, I know telling him everything will only further complicate an already complicated situation. Sometimes it’s better to leave certain things unsaid. Especially when they won’t change the outcome of the future I’ve chosen... With him.
“I love you.” He abruptly steps into me, tipping my chin up so that he can look into my eyes. “I love you so fucking much it terrifies me sometimes.” He cups my face with both hands. “I don’t think I would survive losing you.”
“You’re not going to lose me.” I choke, fighting off tears that suddenly tickle my lashes.
“Tell me this is over. That Nash is out of the picture and going forward it’s just us.”
“It’s over. The letters were my way of saying goodbye.” I want to believe my words so desperately that I almost convince myself they’re true, but letting go of someone you loved with your entire being for the better part of twelve years isn’t always so cut and dry.
Nash is embedded into my very core. There are traces of him everywhere. And while I refuse to let the past take away the future I built in his absence, I’m not na?ve enough to believe this is even close to over. I’ll say it for Felix’s sake because it’s what he needs to hear, but I know Nash better than anyone, and if I had to wager a guess on what happens next, I’d say we’re only just getting started...