Chapter Thirteen
Paisley
Seven Years Earlier
“ARE YOU SURE ABOUT this, Nash?” My voice touches the darkness.
“Relax, it’s just up this way,” he reassures, laughter vibrating his words.
His grip on my hand tightens, and with it, so does my heart, which is currently beating against my ribcage like a heavy drum.
I don’t know how to explain the way being with Nash has made me feel these past few months, but something has definitely shifted between us, a change I have no doubt he’s noticed as well, though neither of us has dared to mention it.
I’ve never been nervous around Nash, ever, but now, I feel like I’m a bumbling mess of nerves every time we’re together. Like now... He’s held my hand countless times, but when he took it tonight, his fingers intertwining with mine, I seriously felt like I couldn’t breathe.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s happened. Somewhere along the way, I developed feelings for Nash, feelings that go well beyond friendship. Sometimes, I think maybe he feels the same way, but then other times, I feel like that’s just wishful thinking.
Nash Ketter is the most handsome boy I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I’ve always known it, but it never really mattered before now. Iris said Sarah Jane and Kelsey K. were both planning to ask him to homecoming. The thought of him going with anyone that isn’t me made me want to puke.
This is the first year that things like dances are a factor. But now that we’re in high school and they’re a thing, it adds even more pressure because now I spend every waking moment obsessing over who he’s going to go with and how hard it’s going to be watching him dance with someone else.
Girls wanting to date Nash is nothing new. He’s always been one of the most sought-after boys in our grade since the girls started taking notice, though he’s never shown much interest in any of them, at least not to me.
“How do you know?” I finally croak after a couple more minutes pass.
“Because I know these woods, P.” He needlessly reminds me. “See, it’s just there.” He uses his flashlight to illuminate the tree that sits a few feet in front of us, the branches sprawled out in every direction, some nearly touching the ground as they sit so low. The perfect climbing tree, Nash had said to me many years earlier when he taught me how to climb it for the first time.
The flashlight swings toward me as we draw to a stop, damn near blinding me.
“Don’t be nervous. It’s just like climbing it during the day.”
I can’t see his face, but if I could, I would no doubt see the smile that laces his words.
“Only it’s not.” I push the flashlight to the side, blinking away the blurred dots in my vision it leaves behind. “Because at night I can’t see anything.”
“Sure you can.” He moves the light toward the tree again. “See.”
“What are we even doing here, Nash?” I wasn’t going to ask, knowing this has everything to do with him not wanting to go home and nothing else, but now that we’re here, it seems odd, even for him.
Usually, we meet at the rocks or on Wickens Bridge. Nash likes to sit on the edge with his feet hanging over. It used to make me nervous, given that it’s a good fifty-foot drop to the water below, but I think that’s the point. He has so little control in his life, but sitting on that bridge, he has the control to decide if he wants to jump or not. He never has, of course, and thank goodness for it because if he did, I’d have to jump in after him, and let’s be honest, I’m not the strongest swimmer in the world. I would, though, because there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him.
“I just felt like a climb.”
“At ten thirty,” I state flatly.
“You’re the one who said yes when I asked,” he reminds me.
“I’m starting to regret that decision,” I counter, only half serious. I’d go anywhere with Nash because being near him is all I want. I don’t care if we’re riding bikes or climbing trees well past dark. I just want to be with him.
“Liar.” He snickers.
“Because you know me so well.” I snort sarcastically. “You’re going to feel really bad if I get eaten by something out here.”
He releases my hand, and as badly as I want to protest, I don’t.
“Here.” He sets the flashlight on the ground, lighting the base of the tree before turning back to me. I can see him just enough that I know he’s going to touch me before he does. Taking me by the shoulders, he turns me so that my back is resting against the tree.
“Because the tree is going to protect me.” I roll my eyes, though he likely can’t see the action.
“No, I am.” He steps closer, so close that his body presses into mine, pinning me between him and the tree. That thing I was saying earlier about losing my breath, well, I suddenly feel like every ounce of air has been sucked straight out of my lungs. “See, all good.” His breath is warm on my face.
I swear there’s no way he can’t feel my heart, which now feels like it’s about to beat straight out of my chest and into his.
“Yeah,” I manage to get out, though it sounds winded like I’ve been running.
“Is this okay?” I meet his gaze, which is easier to do now that he’s so close.
“Yeah,” I say for a second time, not sure I could come up with any other words if I tried. Apparently, he renders me speechless now too...
“I have a confession,” he starts, and I swear my body feels like it’s about to explode from his nearness. “I didn’t bring you here to climb.”
An inch... That’s all it would take for me to close the distance between his lips and mine. The tiniest movement and I could do the one thing I’ve been dreaming about for months now.
“Then why did you bring me here?” My voice is hushed, barely strong enough to break the surface.
“Because I wanted it to be here, in this spot. It’s the first place we ever came to together, remember?”
I nod slowly.
“You were so scared to climb up; I had to pick you up to help you reach the first branch.”
“I remember.” I can barely hear anything past the thump of my heart, which seems to only be growing louder by the second.
Of course I do. I remember everything with Nash. It’s almost like my brain has a special compartment just for him. I can’t remember when to do my chores on time, or even what I ate yesterday, but I can remember something as insignificant as what he wore two months ago.
“When I look back at my life, P, you’re the only constant. The only thing that makes me want to get out of bed every morning. The only thing that keeps me going when things feel impossible. I can’t wait to see you every day. I can’t wait to hear your voice or see what ridiculous thing you’re going to wear to school that day, which for the record, the Christmas pajamas last week were one of my favs. I mean, it is only September.” He chuckles, silencing my rebuttal with a soft touch of his hand to the side of my face. “The point is, P, you’re my favorite person in the entire world. My best friend. Hell, you’re my everything. And I hope it’s okay, but I didn’t think I could go another day without knowing what it felt like to do this.”
Before I can even truly process his words, his lips press to mine. Every nerve ending in my body explodes in perfect synchronization. The stars align. The birds sing. The freaking earth vibrates with my joy.
FINALLY—I want to scream. Finally !
His tongue slides hesitantly against mine as together we explore something new for the very first time. He tastes like the sun, the moon, the stars, and the planets. Like heaven and earth all rolled into one, and for the love of God, all I want him to do is keep kissing me.
My fingers find his hair, tugging. I’ve always wondered what that would feel like and let me tell you, it’s AMAZING!
My skin is on fire, and yet the burn isn’t painful. The exact opposite, actually. It’s desire—want—need. I’m taken aback by the intensity of a sensation I’ve never felt but recognize right away.
He kisses me slow and gentle like there isn’t anywhere else he needs or wants to be, existing in this perfect moment right alongside me, and I revel in the power of it.
I revel in him.
And I know with complete certainty that after this, there’s no going back.
Now that I’ve felt this, I can’t imagine I’ll ever stop feeling it.
You love him , my inner voice sings.
I love him; I silently repeat the sentiment.
And God do I... I think a part of me has known it for a long time but was too afraid to admit it to myself, but now, there’s no denying the truth.
I am in love with Nash Ketter.
It’s as scary as it is exhilarating. But God, I wouldn’t change this feeling for anything in the world.
“SO HE’S GOING TO LEAVE us alone?” I repeat to Felix, summarizing everything he just told me into a single question.
I thought that’s what I wanted. For Nash to leave us alone. Hell, for him to leave altogether so that life could return to the way it was before he came back. So why, after everything he’s done, does this leave me with a pit in my stomach so heavy that I’m sure it’s going to pull me through the wood planks beneath my feet.
“That’s what he says anyway. Doesn’t sound like something he would do, though, does it?” Felix runs a hand through his hair, Nash’s unexpected visit getting to him in a way I wouldn’t have expected.
He’s right about one thing—it doesn’t sound like Nash at all. He’s never been one to take the high road or give up on something he truly wants. Once he has his mind set on something, there’s no going back. As should be evident by the way he left four years ago. He got it into his head that it was the only way and there was no changing his mind after that, not that I ever had the opportunity to change his mind. Hell, I didn’t even know he was struggling with addiction until he returned.
“What else did he say to you?”
“I already told you. He basically just said he was going to back off.”
“But he’s staying?” I’m ashamed that I need this confirmation. I shouldn’t care if he leaves. Hell, I should want him to. So why don’t I?
“Until you tell him to leave.” He informs me of something he hadn’t said originally. “He’s convinced you’ll choose him eventually. I say we end this now and you tell him to leave. If he’s a man of his word, he’ll go, and we can actually get back to our lives.”
“He won’t leave.” I shake my head, not sure who I’m trying to convince.
“He says he will.”
“It shouldn’t matter if he’s here or isn’t here,” I tell him. “My choice won’t change.”
I’m resigned to the fact that if I keep repeating it, maybe it’ll be true. But I’m already wavering. I’ve been wavering since the day he returned. I just hid it behind anger because if I let myself feel anything else...
I shake away the thought.
“But if we can rid ourselves of this problem once and for all, why wouldn’t we?” Felix arches a brow, his confusion evident.
“This is his home, too. I have no right to ask him to leave,” I say in the way of an excuse.
I’m not saying I want to be with Nash, but the thought of him leaving fills me with so much panic, it’s damn near crippling.
“You have every right. After what he did... after what he’s still doing.”
“He’s hurt. He never expected to come home and find us together.”
“Are you actually defending him?” he sneers, his demeanor changing the instant I say something he doesn’t like.
“No, but I’m trying to look at the whole picture. Ultimately, the blame lies with him. He left us. He hurt us . But I don’t want to be vengeful. Was I angry when he first came back? Of course I was. But I realized something when I went to see him. Holding onto this anger isn’t good for me. It isn’t good for us or the life we’re trying to build.”
“I don’t see a way forward with him here. I’ll always be holding my breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“What other shoe?” I reach forward, taking his hand in mine. “I’m here, aren’t I?”
“I don’t want to constantly be looking over my shoulder.”
“Who says you have to?”
“You don’t get it,” he grumbles, pulling his hand away.
“Did you seriously just say that to me? I don’t get it? Are you kidding? He imploded my life, Felix! Do you think seeing him is easy for me?” I try to reel in my traitorous emotions.
“Then tell him to leave.”
“No. Whether he stays or he goes, it shouldn’t have anything to do with me. He is not a part of my life anymore.”
“It has everything to do with you!” he roars, standing so violently that he sends the chair into the front of the house. It hits the siding with a crack. “It has everything to do with you,” he repeats more calmly. “You have the power to end this, and you won’t. What am I supposed to make of that?”
“You want him to leave so badly. Do you trust me so little?” I slowly stand, a slight shake to my voice.
“It’s not that,” he starts.
“Then what is it? You would think you would want him to stay so that you can rub every monumental moment we share in his face. You could look at him knowing you won!” I hold out my arms. “You have me. He doesn’t. So why are you so desperate for him to leave?”
“He’s not going to stop.”
“But according to you, that’s the very reason he came here today, to tell you he was backing off. So, did he not say that, or is there something else? Something you’re not telling me.”
“What are you trying to imply?” He tries to cover his worry with anger, but I still catch a small glimpse of panic that flashes through his eyes. I’m just not sure where it stems from, a nerve I hit or the shift in the tide that suddenly feels impossible to ignore.
“I’m not implying anything, simply asking a question.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.
“What did he tell you?”
My suspicion flares.
I was so sure that Nash was just trying to plant doubt when he said Felix was hiding something. Now, I’m not sure of anything.
“He didn’t tell me anything,” I finally say after a long moment. “Is there something he knows that I don’t?”
“No.” He answers too quickly. “Why are you turning this on me?” His defensiveness sets me on edge. “Maybe I just don’t want to have to worry about being attacked every time he sees us together. He’s a fucking loose cannon, always has been.”
I can’t argue with him there, but I also can’t shake this nagging feeling in my gut that he’s hiding something. Or maybe, deep down, I want him to be hiding something.
I try to push the thought away, but once it takes root, there’s no shaking it.
“Besides, I tell you everything,” he continues. “Why are we even having this conversation? Do you see what I mean? Just him being here causes problems. He’s causing problems right now.”
“Because we keep letting him.” I blow out a hard breath, guilt taking the place of suspicion.
All he wants is to reclaim the life we had before Nash came back. Is that really so bad? I want that too. At least, I think I do.
No, I do. And I do. I mean, at least a part of me does...
It’s Nash. He’s pulled me back into a past we could never reclaim. Too much has happened. There’s no going back to the way we used to be. So why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep finding excuses to see him or talk to him, insisting to myself that Felix is the one I want when deep down, I’m not sure that’s true anymore.
Did I give him those letters to show him how Felix saved me, or to show him that no matter what he does, I’ll never be able to let him go?
Have I just been in denial this whole time?
It kills me to admit any of this to myself. Felix deserves someone who can give him their whole heart, but my heart hasn’t been whole since the day Nash left. But I also can’t imagine giving Felix up. Just the thought feels like someone is twisting a knife into my stomach.
So what do I do?
I’m torn between the man who shattered me to pieces and the one who put me back together—the choice should be clear. But suddenly, nothing is clear.
“Then tell him to leave.” Felix blows out a hard breath.
“I’m not sure I can.” Tears prick the backs of my eyes as I stare up at a man who means so much to me the thought of losing him makes it almost impossible to breathe.
“What are you saying?” He steps back, like my words have a physical impact.
“I just think... I need more time.”
“Time?” He openly gapes at me. “Time for what?”
“To figure all this out.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? Two seconds ago you were saying we’d be fine if I just trust you! Now you’re telling me you need time?”
“I just... I know this doesn’t make any sense...” I’m desperate to explain, but how do you explain that you feel like you’re being pulled apart in two entirely different directions.
My brain knows the right choice. My heart, on the other hand, that bitch has always had a mind of her own. No matter what I think I know , she’s always there to remind me that, in the end, she’s the one in control.
“Leave!” His voice is so forceful, I swear it vibrates the wood beneath my feet.
“Felix... I—”
“I can’t even stand to look at you right now. Leave!” He points toward my car aggressively.
“If you could just let me—” Again, he doesn’t let me finish.
“Paisley, I swear to Christ, if you don’t leave right now—”
“You won’t even hear me out?” My chin quivers.
“I just need time.” He throws my words back at me. “You know, to decide if you’re worth any of this.”
His words slice me across the chest like a blade to my flesh.
I take off toward my car without being told another time.
I don’t know how this went south so quickly. But then again, that’s not true, is it? I know exactly what happened... Nash came back. It’s just taken me this long to admit to myself that I’m not as unaffected by his return as I wish I were. I owe it to myself, and to Felix, to figure out what that means.
So even though it breaks my heart to get in my car and drive away, that’s exactly what I do. Praying like hell as I pull away, that I didn’t just open a rift between Felix and me that I’ll never be able to close.