Chapter Seventeen
Paisley
“YOU’RE HERE.” MY BACK goes rigid at the sound of my sister’s voice.
She wasn’t supposed to be here. No one was.
I planned it out so perfectly, I thought.
Saying goodbye to my work family was hard enough. I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to say goodbye to my real family, not that I consider Celine a part of that anymore.
I wrote my parents a letter. I didn’t say exactly what happened. I should have. I should have told them everything and let Felix and Celine burn for their sins, but at the end of the day, despite everything they’ve done, I still love them.
“Paisley, look at me,” Celine pleads as I quickly resume packing, not bothering to even acknowledge her presence. “Please, I can explain.”
“There is no explanation for your lies,” I can’t stop myself from saying.
“I never meant to hurt you.”
“You sure have a funny way of showing it.” I aggressively zip my duffel bag, moving it to the side before grabbing the smaller one for my toiletries and makeup. Moving toward the dresser, I start loading things into the bag, fighting like hell to keep my anger, and my sadness, in check.
It’s only been a couple of days since Felix’s confession, and while the initial shock has worn off, devastation has taken its place. I feel like someone has opened me up and gutted my insides, leaving me with this hollowness that seems to get worse by the minute.
“I love him, Paisley.”
“You love him?” I slam my bag onto the dresser, meeting her eyes in the reflection of the mirror. “You were a child!”
I know she’s a victim here too, but I can’t bring myself to forgive her part in this. Felix may have taken advantage of a young girl, but that doesn’t excuse the lies. She was prepared to keep her silence. She was prepared to let me marry him!
“I’m not a child now.” She squares her shoulders. “I love him. I always have.”
“If you love him so much, why didn’t you say anything?” I spin around to face her, not fully prepared for the conflicting emotions that swarm me as I do. “Why were you going to let me marry him?”
“Because he told me you were who he always wanted. That he had loved you since you were kids and that now that you loved him too, he wasn’t going to lose that over a meaningless fling. And as much as I hated him for his words, I loved him too much to take away his happiness.”
“And what about my happiness?” I scream, tears blurring my vision.
“You were happy, weren’t you? While I sat here miserable, my heart breaking every time you mentioned his name!” she yells back, her own tears welling.
“It was a lie. All of it. And you, my sister of all people, were at the center of it. How could you?”
“How could I? You stole him from me!” She points an angry finger in my direction.
“I stole him from you?” I let out a humorless laugh. “Are you kidding me? I didn’t even know he had looked your way, let alone stuck his dick inside of you!” Bile burns the back of my throat, the thought making me physically ill.
“Don’t say it like that, like it was just sex. He loved me. He still does.”
“If that were true then, why did he choose me?” My words are meant to hurt, and I can see they do. I just wish it made me feel better, not worse. “You were a child, Celine. A child who was taken advantage of. You are not on trial for what you believed to be love. You are, however, a liar and a horrible sister, and that I cannot forgive. Not yet.”
“You don’t have to forgive me. I’m not ashamed that I love him or that I lied to protect him. It’s nothing you wouldn’t have done for Nash,” she spits.
“Do not compare what you and Felix did to what Nash and I had. Those two things are so different they don’t even exist on the same plane of existence.”
“How would you know? You don’t know what it was like. You weren’t there.”
“I know that you were a child.”
“You were younger than me when you and Nash began dating. Are you going to stand there and tell me that what you had didn’t mean anything because you were children?”
“That’s different.”
“How? How is it different? Because Felix is older than me? Why should that matter? We’re both adults now. And now that he’s finally seen the light and ended things with you, we can be together, for real this time.”
“Is that what he told you? That he ended things? My God, please tell me you aren’t that gullible.”
“You have Nash back. It shouldn’t matter to you.”
“You are my sister!”
“When has that ever mattered to you?” she sneers. “You’re the most self-absorbed person I have ever met. My entire life, you have behaved like the world revolves around you and we’re all just spectators. All you ever cared about was Nash and then when Nash left, you set your sights on Felix because God forbid you actually stand on your own two feet for once.” I can’t ignore the sting of her words. “You have never cared about me, so why would I care about you?”
“You are my sister,” I repeat. “I have always loved you.”
“Love me? You’ve barely tolerated me.”
“Maybe because you’re an entitled brat!” I explode, my words so forceful I’m almost certain they shake the walls around us.
“See.” She smiles triumphantly, like she’s just made her point.
“You know what, I’m done. I have tried. For years I have tried to have a real relationship with you, to be close the way most sisters are. I can see now what a complete waste of my time that has been. I’m done trying.”
“You say that like it hurts my feelings.” She’s hiding behind her anger. I recognize this tactic because it’s the very thing I’m doing.
“You and Felix can have each other. Turns out, you actually make a pretty good pair. Both of you are fantastic liars.” I turn back to my bag, quickly finishing shoving all of my makeup inside. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have to go.”
“You’re leaving?”
“Because my packing didn’t give it away?” I snort.
“Where are you going?”
“Given that you’ve just made it very clear that you don’t care about me in the slightest, I’m not telling you. But rest assured, it will be very far away from both of you.” I zip my bag, grab the one with my clothes, and sling them both over the same shoulder. “I wish you all the happiness in the world, Sister. Truly, I do.” I shove past her into the hallway, heading for the stairs.
I didn’t know what to expect, when and if I saw my sister again, but what I got was not it. I thought she’d at least be remorseful, but if anything, she looked proud of herself. Let’s see how long she feels that way after my mom and dad learn of her betrayal. Secrets only stay secrets for so long, and I have no doubt that hers will come out eventually.
Having already left a note for my parents in their bedroom, promising to call as soon as I get where I’m going, I push my way out the front door, nearly toppling down the porch steps when my eyes land on the one person I hoped to avoid more than any other...
Nash.
Having already exhausted most of my strength on my sister, I feel ready to crumble at the sight of him.
“So it’s true.” He gestures to the bags I’m carrying as I force myself down the stairs. “You really are leaving.”
I have no intention of stopping, but Nash doesn’t let me off that easily, quickly cutting off my path of escape.
“Get the hell out of my way.” I grit my teeth, staring holes at his chest because if I look into his eyes, I’m not sure I’d remain standing.
“Don’t do this. You can’t just leave.”
My anger flares.
“Why can’t I? You did!”
“You can’t let him win,” he tells me, a softness to his voice that threatens to pierce the thick armor I’m struggling to hold in place.
“Don’t you see...” I reluctantly meet his gaze and it’s quite nearly my undoing. “There are no winners here.”
“Running away won’t solve your problems.”
“Seemed to work out okay for you.” I take the gun and expel the shot he loaded himself.
“I had no other choice.”
“And you think I do?” My voice quivers. “You lied to me.”
“I thought I was protecting you.”
“You keep saying that, but we both know that isn’t true. You have and will always protect yourself first. I guess I shouldn’t expect any less from a Ketter.” Another shot, and this one hits him square in the chest. “All you do is lie, Nash. You lie and you leave, and I have stood by, blind to it all because I love you. But my eyes are wide open now. I see the world around me. The people who have deceived and hurt me time and time again. And I can’t do it anymore.”
“Nothing is broken that can’t be fixed.” I flinch when his hand wraps around my wrist.
“And what if there’s nothing left worth fixing?” I blink past the tears that tickle my lashes.
“You don’t believe that.”
“I loved you, you know. I loved you harder and more fiercely than you ever deserved, and I got a knife in my back for my troubles. And still, when you came back, all I wanted to do was run to you. I didn’t care that you had broken my heart into a million pieces. You were, and will probably always be, the person I want more than any other. Even when I’ve promised myself to another man, I still can’t seem to find a way to let you go. And that, Nash, is the very reason I have to leave. Because loving you is killing me.”
The hurt that tugs at his handsome features damn near brings me to my knees, but I refuse to let it. For as hard as this is, I know what has to be done. In a way, I think I’ve always known. The only way to be free is to let go of that which keeps you chained.
“I can do better. I will do better.”
“I know you want to, and maybe you’d even try, but we both know too much damage has been done. We had our shot. It’s time to let go.”
“You know I can’t do that.” The desperation seeping from his pores is so tangible I can almost reach out and touch it.
I feel his fear and pain as if they were my own, and while I have no doubt in my mind that this will be the hardest thing I will ever do, I know my path forward, and it isn’t with Nash, no matter how much I wish it could be.
“You don’t have a choice. I’m leaving, Nash, and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever come back. It’s time to let go of the past. Holding on to the past is what got me here in the first place. I clung to Felix because he was the closest thing I had to you, and it made me blind to who he really was. Everything comes back to you. It always has.”
“I don’t know how to live without you.”
“Sure you do. You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’ll find your way without me just as I will find my way without you. It’s time we find out who we are without each other.”
“Please don’t leave, P. I love you.”
I swipe away the tears that stain my cheeks.
“And I love you,” I tell him, taking a full step back. “Until my last breath.”
This time when I move to step past him, he lets me.
I can barely see through my tears now, my heart mourning the loss of a part of itself.
Nash was right about one thing, though. There’s nothing broken that can’t be fixed and one day, my heart will heal. I have to believe that.
Opening my passenger door, I toss my bags inside before moving to the driver’s side of the car. I’ve just pulled open the door when Nash says my name.
I know I shouldn’t look at him, but I can’t stop my eyes from going to him just the same.
I drink in the sight of him one last time. His messy hair. His broad shoulders. His sky-blue eyes that even at this distance, I can see are shining brightly with tears.
“I’ll wait for you.”
“Don’t,” I croak, emotion clogging my throat.
“I’ll wait for you forever.”
Not able to form another word, I simply nod. If there’s one thing I have learned over the years, it’s that Nash will do whatever he wants, and it won’t matter what I say anyway.
“I love you,” he calls as I climb into the car.
I have no doubt that in his own way, he does. And he has no idea how much I wish it were enough. But sometimes, the pain someone causes overshadows that love. I think that’s when you know there’s no going back to the way things once were.
That kind of love, as young and carefree as the people who share it, can only exist that way for so long. And while I love Nash just as fiercely as I did back then, it doesn’t change the fact that we aren’t children anymore, and at some point, we have to let go of childish fantasies.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m letting go of the childish dream that Nash and I would be together forever, and facing the reality that life oftentimes doesn’t work out the way you want it to. There’s a sort of beauty in that acceptance.
Even knowing this, it doesn’t make it any easier to drive away, leaving him standing in the middle of my parents’ lawn, forced to watch me disappear from view.
I have no doubt it will forever be the hardest thing I will ever have to do, and yet, I find a way through, just as I know I will find my way through what comes next.
No matter what it takes...