58 Christian
That night, the three of us end up in my old bed across the street. We don’t really sleep. We just hold on to each other, trading panic and tears.
Francesca collapses into Ryan’s arms and I start running numbers without meaning to. Bail. Assets. What I could liquidate. What I could move fast.
The only upside of this -the absolute only one- is that now we can visit him.
So that’s what we decide to do. We try and get ourselves together, try not to seem like complete wrecks, knowing that will only hurt Jamie and go to him.
~
They’ve moved Jamie to the county jail. It’s gray and antiseptic, like a depressing hospital with bars.
A deputy recites the rules like he’s running through a script- phones in the locker, no touching, one visitor at a time- and Ryan and I both turn to Frankie.
“You should go first,” I say automatically.
She’s already shaking her head. “No.”
“Francesca-”
She steps past me, straight to Ryan, her hands trembling even as her voice stays steady. “You need to go first.”
Ryan blinks. “What? No- you- ”
Her fingers curl into his sleeve, holding on. “You two need to see each other. He’s here because he wanted to save you. You need to show him you’re okay.”
“But I’m not,” Ryan says quietly.
“Well, don’t tell him that or he’ll be pissed,” she says with a weak smile.
He hesitates, torn, then finally nods.
The officer takes him back.
I pull her against my chest, and she grips my shirt. She’s not crying, but I feel like a heavy wind could knock her over.
When Ryan comes back, Francesca is on him instantly.
“Is he okay?”
He presses a kiss to her forehead. “Go see for yourself. He’s… really excited to see you.”
As soon as she’s gone, his shoulders drop.
“That bad?” I ask.
“Not good,” Ryan says quietly.
“Is he terrified?”
Ryan chuffs a laugh. “I’d say he’s pissed. He’s white hot with rage about his dad.”
I guess I’d rather him be mad than scared, but it doesn’t make anything better.
By the time a deputy leads me back, I’m told Jamie has five minutes left of visitation.
When I see him- orange jumpsuit, cuffs at his wrists, shackles bolted to the floor- I nearly stop short when his eyes meet mine.
They are the same, light green eyes I’ve known for years but they look unfamiliar now. I’ve seen him lit with rage, blurred with drugs, cold with hatred. But now they are just dead. A pang strikes my chest realizing that he’s giving up.
“Jamie,” I start, trying for feign confidence. “We’ll figure this out. The prints- ”
“It doesn’t matter.” He shakes his head. “Just let me talk.”
I swallow and nod.
“I love you, Christian.” He lets out a small, broken laugh. “God, I wish we’d gotten our shit together years ago.”
My throat closes. “Jamie-” I start but he shakes his head and continues.
“I don’t regret it- giving myself up. They would have arrested Ryan and he wouldn’t last a fucking night in here. It was worth it to keep him safe.”
His gaze falls to the floor. “You guys, uh,” he clears his throat, “I need you to take care of her. She looked so sad. Please do whatever you have to do to make her happy again.”
“You’ll make her happy too.” I manage despite the lump in my throat. “You heard about the prints. They'll arrest your dad and you’ll be out of here in a day. Two tops.”
He exhales, giving me a small smile. “Okay.”
There’s no life in it. He doesn’t believe me.
“One more thing,” he says. “Don’t waste your time coming to see me. It’s not good for anyone.”
“Time,” the deputy calls.
“Jamie- ”
They unlock him and pull him to his feet.
“I love you,” he says as they lead him out. He pauses at the door and looks over his shoulder. "For the record, I'd do it all again."
I'm not sure if he's talking about surrending himself for Ryan or... everything else.
And isn’t until he’s gone that I realize I didn’t say I loved him back.