Chapter Eighteen
Gina was tired of crying quietly in her bed at night but didn’t want Zio Rico to hear her. It had been three weeks since Mama went to Heaven. Gina was beginning to realize Mama was never coming back.
She tugged the small, framed picture out from under her pillow where she’d placed it soon after Mama went away. It showed the time they’d posed for a photo at the zoo when they went into the cold place to see the penguins up close. Mama usually took pictures of Gina, but there weren’t very many like this of them together.
Gina thought that maybe having her head lying so close to Mama’s picture as she slept might help Mama come into her dreams. It finally worked last night. Mama seemed so alive, and they were smiling and laughing together again.
But when Gina woke up, she realized it was a cruel trick. Mama wasn’t alive, and she hadn’t been smiling at Gina.
Mama’s gone.
Zio Rico and Zio Franco told her to watch for signs, but she hadn’t seen any yet. Then again, everywhere she looked made her think of Mama.
Gina glanced at the small blue urn she’d picked out to hold some of Mama’s ashes. It helped a little but wasn’t the same as having Mama. Father Hernandez told her Mama would be with her always, deep in her heart.
But I want Mama here in our apartment.
Gina missed Mama’s hugs and kisses the most. She missed making cookies with her and staying up late to eat popcorn and watch a movie.
I miss everything about her.
The time spent in Aspen Corners and Breckenridge two weeks ago had helped her forget Mama for a little while, but then Gina felt guilty. She should never forget her.
She didn’t want to leave for Chicago today to see her now-scary Nonna tomorrow. The last time she’d been there, Nonna couldn’t talk or hold her head up straight. She’d scared Gina. Gina wished Mama J could be her nonna, but in January, she would have two of her own grandchildren and wouldn’t have much time for Gina anymore.
Gina wished she could stay home with her friends, even if it was fall break at school and she probably wouldn’t see much of them anyway. She also wished she could have stayed with Mama J but didn’t want to be a pest. Mama J might get tired of her having around.
“About ready to go, Sweetie?” Zio Rico stood at the doorway to her bedroom.
She needed to do what Zio Rico said. She didn’t want to make him mad at her, or he might not want to keep living with her. Even though he’d said over and over again that he would never leave her, she’d once thought that about Mama too.
And Gina had done horribly on her tests last week. Her teacher said she could take them again when she could concentrate better, but what if she couldn’t remember anything ever again?
Her stomach hurt even though she had eaten breakfast.
What if I throw up all over Zio Rico’s sports car?
Mama had taken her on some long trips before, but Gina had never felt sick. She didn’t know why her stomach hurt so much now.
Maybe it was thoughts of visiting Nonna.
At least Zio Rico had stayed here in the apartment she had shared with Mama, even though Mama’s room now had a gigantic bed and some of the things he’d brought back with him from his house in Aspen Corners. No matter what, Gina needed to stay here. If she moved away, she wouldn’t feel Mama with her at all.
Gina picked up the urn and set it carefully inside her small suitcase. She didn’t want to leave Mama here alone. The lady at the ashes place had glued on the lid so that none of Mama’s ashes would ever spill out. Gina needed to protect Mama’s ashes no matter what.
It’s all I have left of her.
“I’m ready,” she answered finally.
Zio Rico zipped her suitcase and lifted it off the bed. He put an arm around her shoulder, but Gina moved away. Last night, she dreamed that Zio Rico went away too. What if he died or decided to go live with another family? She couldn’t let him get too close. If she didn’t love him as much as she had Mama then maybe his leaving wouldn’t hurt as much.
In the living room, he picked up his bigger suitcase, and they went toward the door. “Franco is waiting for us with my car.”
Zio Franco came over a lot. He helped her with her homework, even when she didn’t feel like doing it. And he played her favorite games. He also cooked for them sometimes, but mostly Zio Rico did the cooking now. Both were better at cooking than Mama, although Gina would rather eat Mama’s food again any day.
“Hey, kiddo!” As they approached, Zio Franco greeted her, leaning against Rico’s blue car. “How are you doing today?” He always tried to be cheerful, but Gina didn’t feel like smiling today. He wrapped his arm around her anyway, patting her shoulder and giving her a little hug. “It’s okay. I had days like that after my papa died. I know it still hurts.”
Gina never knew her papa, but maybe when a boy lost his papa it was just as bad as when a girl’s mama died.
“How old were you?”
“I was in college and in my early twenties, so a lot older than you are. Even so, there were a few weeks where I hardly remember anything because I was missing him so hard. There’s never an age when we’re ready to let go of our parents, honey.”
Gina’s chin started to shake and she couldn’t stop the tears this time. “I miss Mama so bad.”
“Aw, honey.” Zio Franco kneeled beside her and gave her a bigger hug. “Just let it out. Don’t try to be strong around me or Zio Rico.”
She didn’t know how long she cried on his shoulder, but his shirt was wet when she pulled away. “I’m sorry.”
“Well, I’m not. You need to let those feelings out sometimes.”
Gina turned to Zio Rico. His cheeks were wet too. She wanted to give him a hug to make him feel better, but he opened the door for her instead. “We’d better get on the road.”
She nodded but wished they could just stay home. Would Mama be able to find her if she wasn’t at their apartment?
It had taken some creative loading to get everything into his BMW 335i for this trip, but they’d managed. The car was only a few years old and completely impractical under his current circumstances, but Rico loved the sportiness of it and had no intention of trading it in anytime soon.
He glanced in the rearview mirror. Gina had been awfully quiet during their drive to Chicago. Rico and Franco had tried to engage her, draw her out, point out the scenery and the state lines they’d crossed. They’d spent last night at a hotel in Lincoln and had gotten back on the road early this morning. He wanted as much time in Chicago as possible, despite it being pretty monotonous interstate scenery.
She’d become more and more withdrawn since they’d come back from Aspen Corners. He couldn’t understand why, but she had a lot to go through. The school counselor had been trying to help but thought she might need someone at the county level who specialized in grieving children. He’d set up an appointment there, but they couldn’t start seeing her until after fall break.
Rico hoped this trip to Chicago would help her in her grieving process, but it would also dredge up a lot of memories that might have the opposite effect. She seemed anxious about the trip and leaving home.
“Hey, Gina,” Rico said, “how would you like to look for license plates? I used to play that game on trips to visit your nonna and mama when I was a kid.”
“Sure. If you want to.”
That sounded less than enthusiastic.
The past two nights, he’d neglected to coax Gina out of her head to talk with him. He’d been too focused on remembering everything to pack and checking local and federal laws on spreading ashes in Lake Michigan to give Gina the attention she needed.
I’m so tired all the time. How did Michelle do everything with even less support than I have?
Thank God Franco had decided to come along. He’d been a good buffer as he and his niece navigated this new life together. He’d even thought to bring a tablet for Gina to play games and watch movies on during the long hours on the road. At home, Rico imposed the same rule Michelle had for electronics—two hours max a day. But he’d been less strict about it in the car. She’d also brought some books to read.
Unfortunately, she didn’t seem interested in either at the moment. Every time he glanced in the rearview mirror, she’d been staring out the window looking as if she was on her way to the gallows.
“When’s the last time you saw your nonna, Gina?” Franco asked.
“Last year.”
“I’ll bet you’re excited to see her again.”
She didn’t answer right away. “I guess so.”
The long pause made Rico wonder if Franco had touched on something he’d missed.
“I’m sure she’s looking forward to seeing you again,” Rico interjected.
Another long pause. Rico met her gaze in the mirror. “Zio Rico, do I have to see her?”
What was up with that? “Why do you ask that, Sweetie?”
Her lower lip started to tremble. “It’s just… She scared me last time.”
Okay, this might require more than a few glances in the rearview mirror. Rico pulled safely off onto the shoulder and twisted around in the seat to face her. “What do you mean?”
“She didn’t act like herself. Her mouth drooped on one side, and she couldn’t talk very well.”
“Oh, Sweetie, that’s because she’d had a stroke. I’ve talked with her on the phone, and her voice is the almost the same as I remember. She’s been working hard on her recovery. She’s so excited to see you again.” Rico assured her. “Said she’d missed you so much.”
Gina thought a bit. “She’ll remember me this time?”
“Of course! You’re her favorite granddaughter!”
She rolled her eyes, but a smile crept onto her face. “I’m her only granddaughter.”
“You’re still her favorite.” Rico gave her a wink.
Her brows wrinkled together. “Just in case, can you go in first and make sure? I can wait with Zio Franco.”
“Sure.” That might be best anyway. While he’d told his aunt about Michelle’s death, bringing some of her ashes to her might be emotional. He didn’t want Gina any more upset than she might already be.
He glanced over at Franco, who smiled. “I’m sure we can find something to occupy our time while we wait.” To Gina, he asked, “What kinds of things do you like doing with your nonna?”
“Well, we used to color, read, bake, and go to the zoo. Stuff like that.”
“She sounds like a lot of fun,” Franco said.
“She used to be. But…last time…she was too sick to do anything.”
Gina was probably expecting her to be in the same condition now as she’d been then. That must be why she hadn’t wanted to talk with Nonna on the phone. If only he’d been paying more attention, he could have figured this out.
“Nonna said she’d be up for an outing to the zoo with us later today, as long as she could rent a scooter since hers won’t fit in my car.”
“She has a scooter?”
Rico chuckled. “Probably not the kind you’re thinking of. This is more like a jazzed-up chair on wheels.”
“Oh.” She thought a bit. “She wants to go out with us?”
“Definitely! I think she’s really looking forward to getting out for a while. She even plans to go out on the boat with us tomorrow.”
“She does?” Gina seemed surprised.
“Absolutely.”
Rico had made sure the boat he’d chartered to take them the required three nautical miles from shore was as accessible as possible for Aunt Sophia. He wanted to fulfill Michelle’s dying wishes with all her loved ones present.
“Okay.” Seeing Gina’s smile as she picked up her book, Rico put the car back into gear and merged onto the interstate. He hoped this trip would be one of healing for both his aunt and Gina, and one in which he could bond even more strongly with Gina.
Franco reached across the console to squeeze Rico’s arm as if reading his thoughts or just to encourage him after that exchange.
“You’ve been driving awhile. Want me to take over?”
“No, I’m good. Driving helps keep my mind off things.”
Like hell it does.
Franco didn’t take his hand back, and Rico enjoyed having this connection with him. They hadn’t really had much time alone since Michelle’s condition worsened in July, right after his one visit to the Masters at Arms Club. But Franco had been there with him and Gina as often as he could be since Michelle’s death, which had been a comfort to Rico as he tried to sort out his new role of guardian. While he’d been taking care of Gina in many ways since Michelle had become bedridden, the permanency of knowing he’d be responsible for raising her from now on had profoundly affected him.
How did parents do it? He wouldn’t call the responsibility a burden, but the enormity of it carried a lot of weight. What if he screwed her up for life? Michelle had done such a great job during Gina’s first ten years, but he worried that he’d undo it all. If she turned out bad, he’d be the one to blame.
Traffic began to pick up as they neared Chicago’s suburbs, and Rico’s thoughts focused more on the wild-ass drivers. He needed the distraction from his worries. The GPS panel said they were twenty minutes from their hotel. He wanted to check in before heading over to see his aunt.
Forty-five minutes later, they’d unloaded the car, freshened up, and were now headed to the assisted living facility. He hadn’t seen his aunt in years. Gina didn’t seem as reluctant to see her now that he’d assured her that her nonna wasn’t as sick as before. Good thing, because Rico had promised Michelle that he’d take Gina to visit Aunt Sophia at least annually.
This would probably be the most difficult of those visits.
He glanced into the backseat and saw Gina busy with her sketch pad. He hadn’t realized she’d brought it along, but of course she wouldn’t leave it at home. She seemed to find drawing therapeutic.
He found a place to park and the three of them went inside, but Gina and Franco found a lounge to hang out in while Rico searched for Aunt Sophia’s room.
Michelle, I hope you’ll be joining us. Sure could use some help!