Chapter 8
Existing in a world post-Logan was strange.
I hadn’t realized how excited I’d gotten over his good morning messages until I knew they’d never come again.
I hadn’t realized how much I’d planned my day around when I got to see him when there were no more plans to be made.
Saturday and Sunday blended into two long, wandering days where I’d meandered about the house with no true intention, just to keep myself busy from thinking.
Heartbroken. What a stupid word. Dramatic, overused, one that most definitely didn’t apply to me. We hadn’t even been dating. We weren’t serious. We weren’t anything.
Wasted potential. That was what I was sad about. Not because I thought Logan could boost my popularity—ugh, seriously, definitely not that—but because he could’ve been my first real boyfriend. And yeah, I guess it was kind of a bummer to let go of that.
Not heartbroken.
Just… disappointed. And a little embarrassed, maybe.
But definitely not heartbroken.
I opened the frosted office door to my mother’s office Monday morning with more attitude than I should’ve, knocking once but not bothering to wait for an answer. “Mom,” I said with a sigh. “Can I please—”
I faltered when I realized that she wasn’t alone, and that a student sat across from her desk.
And then I practically froze solid when I realized who sat in the chair. Despite the shock and the sudden ringing in my ears, I still managed to fumble words out. “Oh. Uh, Hey… Maisie.”
My ex-best friend just blinked her dark eyes at me, ones that were partially obscured by the reflection of Mom’s office lights in her glasses.
“I’ll teach you the choreo,” I’d told her freshman year, smiling even though I felt sick to my stomach. “I already saw the video we’re supposed to learn. You’ll learn it easier if I teach it to you.”
Maisie’s eyes had been brighter at fourteen, looking at me with all the trust in the world. “You’re the best.”
Trusting me to teach her the choreography. Not even thinking I could’ve been teaching her the wrong one.
“Maisie,” Mom said after a beat, and it was then that I realized we’d all been silent long enough to make it super awkward. “If anything changes, I’ll be sure to let you know, okay?”
I had no idea what they were talking about, but I knew asking would only keep Maisie in the room longer, so I kept my mouth shut.
Maisie rose to her feet silently, but an angry wave exuded from her.
She walked by me without making eye contact, but then again, I was too focused on my shoes to truly notice.
Get a grip, Madison, I tried to tell myself, but Maisie was the one person I could never do that with.
With her gone, the air definitely felt lighter, like someone had let all the oxygen back in. “What was that about?” I asked Mom.
A lot of people said Mom and I looked like sisters, but I didn’t really see it.
For one, her blonde hair was straighter than mine, and more often pulled back into a bun.
She looked pretty with her hair up. We were the same height, and she’d developed a pretty good skincare routine, but still definitely Mom material.
She shifted things on her desk. “The hard part about being a principal,” she answered vaguely before folding her hands in front of her and giving me her full attention. “What was it that you barged in so rudely for?”
It took me a second, because seeing my ex-best friend had totally wiped my memory. “Can I please just have your panini for lunch?” I even went as far as puffing out my bottom lip. “It’s spaghetti day—you know I hate spaghetti day.”
She gave me her signature Mom Stare. “You should’ve packed your own lunch, then.”
“You should’ve reminded me what was for lunch today. As principal, you probably have the lunch menu memorized.”
“I have a few other things on my plate, you know.”
I glanced at the now-empty chair Maisie had occupied. “What did she need?”
“It’s a long story.” And then something else seemed to occur to her. “I heard a rumor floating around school.”
Ugh, the idea of Mom trying to gossip? Cringe. “Mom, how many times do I have to tell you that Babble is for students? It’s a total breach of trust—”
“Do you have a boyfriend, Madison Oliphant?”
I almost choked on air. “Mom, that was, like, last week’s news.
” My armpits were sweating, which was stupid.
She’d lifted my dating ban for senior year—I shouldn’t be freaking at the prospect of her finding out.
“And it’s—it was a fake rumor, anyway. Trust me, if I had a guy, I’d be bragging him up like crazy, swear to God. ”
It only occurred to me then how narrowly I’d avoided certain death.
Certain social death, that is. Jade’s idea of spreading the word would’ve been good if Logan was truly from Haven, but the fact that he was from Jefferson?
It could’ve been catastrophic. If people had uncovered the fact that my secret boyfriend was Logan Castle, quarterback of the Jefferson High Bulldogs, I would’ve been flayed on the football field. Ripped down from the Top Tier.
If that’d gotten out, it would’ve meant certain social death.
Logan’s words resurfaced again. Girls like you peak in high school.
“Another piece of gossip I heard,” Mom went on. “Is the Most Likely To list coming out today?”
Oh my gosh, it just kept getting worse. Why did everything sound dorkier when she said it? “The what?”
“Cut the act. You’re not involved in any of that, are you?”
I spread my palms. “I have nothing to do with the list.”
That much was true, because after Jade left me in the alley Friday, I never returned to Expresso’s.
How could I go back to them all, perch myself on Kyle’s knee, and pretend like nothing had just happened?
And besides, if I had, wouldn’t I have just been proving Logan right?
That I was obsessed with all things popularity-related?
So my answer to Mom was true, as long as she didn’t ask any follow-up questions, like—“What about your friends? Are they involved in it?”
“Why are you so interested in the list now?” I asked instead of answering. “It’s been happening ever since you were hired as principal. Why focus on it now?”
“I’ve let a lot of things go on longer than they should.” Mom said it more to herself than to me.
I decided to make my exit then before she asked any more questions. But first, I needed one of my own answered. “So… that panini?”
Mom sent me out of her office empty-handed, and I headed toward the cafeteria, sour-faced. Really, for many reasons. It was Most Likely To day, and I hadn’t even asked Jade who she put on the list. I hadn’t even asked to see the list. Something was seriously wrong with me.
It was like Logan was some sort of school spirit vampire, and he’d sucked all the pep and pride right out of me. And all weekend, my thoughts swung between furious and heartbroken, like some sick, twisted merry-go-round Jade would’ve rolled her eyes at.
My thoughts went through the same grief cycle, except I couldn’t seem to go beyond the first three steps.
Denial—Logan wouldn’t do this to me.
Anger—how could he lie to me?
Depression—of course it was too good to be true.
What was too good? a thought whispered. Logan himself, or the perfect image you’d created of him in your head?
I didn’t only like Logan just because he could boost my popularity status.
How dare he even imply something like that?
But what if he was right? What if I was shallow?
“There you are,” a voice crooned in my ear, and I found Jade sidling up next to me in the hallway. She had her blonde hair loose over her back, perfect. “I was waiting for you to come down the hall.”
“Really?” There were still other students heading down toward the lunchroom, but it was out of character for Jade to not be one of the first one in the cafeteria. “Is everything okay?”
She reached for my arm, pulling me to a stop. “I’m really sorry I didn’t stay with you in the alley Friday. I should’ve. And we didn’t even get a chance to talk about it at the game, or over the weekend.” She let out a sharp breath. “I’ve just been so focused.”
“Don’t apologize,” I hurried to say. For some reason, her apology made me feel bad. “I just needed time to process it myself. That’s why I didn’t come back. You… you know that, right?”
“Of course.” Jade’s dark eyes traced my face. “You really liked him, didn’t you?”
“It doesn’t matter.” The words tasted bitter on my tongue, and Logan’s face flashed in my mind’s eye. I looked around, and it didn’t look like anyone was eavesdropping. “Besides, it’s a rule. You… you said it at the open house. No dating rivals.”
You say it like it’s against the law. You’d never choose me over your school spirit. Even if you actually liked me.
“I’m proud of you.” Jade reached out and smoothed her palm down my head, taming some of the frizz by the delicate touch. “I’m proud of you for following that rule. For choosing us.”
What I didn’t tell Jade was that I’d fought the urge to text Logan all weekend. What she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. “Speaking of us, you… you made sure no one suspected at the table on Friday, right? Like, no one knows that the guy I was talking to—”
“Is a Bulldog?” Her voice was a near whisper, but the words spoken in the Brentwood hallway still nearly gave me a heart attack. “Don’t worry, I handled it. Riley was ready to blab, but I stopped her.”
Great, so Riley was now keeper of two of my shameful secrets. “Were you afraid I wouldn’t choose us?” I asked her. “The Top Tier?”
Jade shook her head, winding her arm around mine. “Nope. I trust you to the end, Mads.”
Something in me sighed with what felt like relief. She hadn’t doubted me. Not even for a second. “And I’ll follow you to the end.”
Jade beamed at me, the glimmering smile chasing away some of the darkness that cooped up in the corner of my chest. Jade might’ve been rough around the edges at times, but I knew I couldn’t have done better having her as a best friend.