Chapter 14
A ll I ever wanted was you.
Frankie's parting words had bounced around my head for two weeks; torturing me. When I closed my eyes at night, her wounded eyes were all I saw. Disappointment. Pain. Quiet anger.
I couldn’t shake her image out of my head, and that last fateful morning in our kitchen. The way she’d stood there, her small frame shaking as I laid out all the ways I’d betrayed and lied to her. I’d completely destroyed her faith in me—well, what little she had left.
As soon as I'd suggested a separation, I wanted to freeze time and rewind those words back. But it was too late.
This was for the best, though…wasn't it? I'd already fucked up her life—-the grand plans she’d had for our future. And I underscored it by treating her like shit for months, as well as everything that happened with Carly.
I didn’t regret telling her about it. The guilt had been eating at me. I could barely look her in the eye the morning I arrived home from Charleston. I was terrified she would guess; that she would take one look at my face and instantly know that something more had occurred.
Other husbands might have been okay to carry on as normal. They might have rationalized their behavior that, since nothing physical had happened, there was nothing to confess to.
But I knew that what had happened had been wrong. And when Frankie brought it up during our therapy session, I couldn't act like it was nothing anymore. I already felt like an ass for treating our therapy session like an afterthought; an annoyance and inconvenience.
After Carly had cornered me, everything started to unravel. Instead of going straight home, I went for a long drive. I ruminated on what she’d said. Was it true that I had deeper, hidden feelings for Carly? That I wouldn’t have entertained her subtle invitations if I wasn’t, subconsciously, attracted to her?
Sure, we got along well, and I couldn’t deny that there had been a…buzz between us when I’d been in her hotel room. But was it a genuine attraction? Or was it because I’d been confessing more details about my marriage to Carly? Seeing her there and thinking how easy it would be not to have the weight of buying a house, having a baby…and every other emotional and professional failure, sitting heavy on my shoulders.
The morning of our session, Frankie had left early for a shoot in Springfield. There was a note waiting for me on the kitchen table, reminding me again about our therapy session that evening. As if I could fucking forget.
I resented Frankie for pushing me into doing something I didn't want to do. I didn’t want to talk to someone. I could barely talk to my own wife, so why would I lay myself bare for some smarty-pants who would use our marriage as part of her work stories over the dinner table?
The heaviness of my betrayal became too much, so instead of focusing on fixing our marriage, I purposely took my time arriving, and spent my time on that couch lashing out at her. It was shitty of me. I was a shitty husband.
And that was why I’d pushed for a separation. Frankie deserved better, and soon she would have realized that on her own and left me anyway. Once she found out that I didn’t want kids, once she found out about Carly—the cracks that had already formed would eventually cause our foundation to crumble.
I also needed time apart to figure out what it was that I actually wanted. I needed space away from the pressure I felt had piled on me over the last year and a half.
But it sure as hell didn’t feel like the pressure was off. Two weeks in from being without Frankie and I was getting a slight taste of what life would be like if this split became permanent. I was living with Sene, sleeping in his lounge on the pullout couch. And Sene being Sene, he had no qualms in asking me why I was stupid enough to leave my wife.
"I knew you two were having issues, but I didn't know it was this bad." He'd shaken his head at me, eyeing me with suspicion. Of course, he wouldn't think Frankie was at fault here.
Because she wasn’t.
Christ, I missed her. Every day, I wondered what she was doing; what she was thinking. Was she eating enough? Was she lonely like I was?
The irony was; I'd left her alone for months, too afraid to handle her probing questions. Unable to bear the disappointment that would eventually darken her beautiful face. Separating from Frankie hurt my heart. But at the end of the day, it was necessary.
I felt a shoulder bump mine and I glanced down to find Carly at my side.
"Hey, you. You do know we're at a party, right?” she joked.
I tapered down the sharp stab of guilt at seeing Carly. She reminded me of everything that had gone wrong. Frankie thought I'd left her to date Carly, but this was the first time I'd been out with her since our work trip. It was actually the first time I'd been out with my co-workers.
Today was Ben's birthday and he’d invited most of the office out for a drink. I hadn’t planned on attending, but Sene was home and the thought of being around his disappointed face pushed me into accepting a night out. I thought it would be a welcome change from rotting on his couch, eating cheese puffs. It wasn’t. I still felt like a hollow shell of myself, hence the brooding in the corner. The only saving grace was the tab Ben had put behind the bar.
My mouth tipped up in a polite smile. "Hey. You having fun?"
She held up a glass and bumped it lightly against mine. "Free drinks and good company. What's not to love?"
Even though Carly and I hadn't spent time together outside work since the incident, she and I had resumed our friendly relationship at work. I couldn't be angry at her for what happened, and I couldn't blame her for confronting me about it either. After all, her words had pushed me into confessing everything to Frankie.
Her head tilted when I couldn't even muster up a smile at her quip. "Are you okay?" Her hand reached out to clasp my arm. Her blue eyes were wide with sympathy and a little sadness.
I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine." I downed my fourth free beer of the night, the buzz of the cold liquid settling nicely in my stomach. I could do with another one.
"Drew, I know we haven't had a chance to talk properly since…you know." Her face reddened, and she glanced up at me under long lashes. "I haven’t had a chance to do this privately, but I want to apologize for what I said at lunch the other week. It was none of my business, and I shouldn't have inserted myself into your marriage."
I shook my head, shifting my eyes away from hers. Her examining stare seemed to pierce straight through me. "No, it's okay. Yes, it wasn't any of your business, but in the end, it was a good thing."
She tilted her head. "Oh?"
I didn't want her to feel bad about what had occurred. I was the married older man, so I should've realized that I was sending out signals. The more I thought of it, the more I admired Carly for giving me a piece of her mind and getting me to confess everything to Frankie. The truth had to come out. Our marriage wouldn't have survived any longer with the guilt eating at me. "I talked with Frankie. I told her everything."
Her eyes bugged. "You did?"
"Why do you sound surprised?"
She placed a hand on her chest, shaking her head. "I wasn't expecting it, that's all. You told her everything ? Even…" her hand waved between the two of us.
My face colored, and I took a step back. I didn't want to be reminded of that. "Yes, even…that."
She nodded, the look in her eye moving from contrite to admiration. I didn’t like her reaction…like she was impressed by something as basic as honesty. "In my experience, guys aren't usually this truthful," she confirmed. "What did you tell her?" She moved closer.
"Carly," I gently chided. "That's really none of your business."
She nodded, not offended. "Fair enough. I have to say, I would be pretty pissed off if I were her. I'm actually surprised she let you out tonight. With me."
A crack formed in my chest and I concentrated on breathing deeply. I didn’t want her to know how her words affected me. If Frankie and I hadn’t separated, then there was no way I would’ve been out tonight with Carly. It was probably stupid of me to be out tonight at all, regardless of my separation. But since a big group of us was out, I didn’t think I would have a chance to talk to Carly much—if at all.
" Ohhh," she drawled.
I shook my head at her. "Carly, just drop it. What happened between me and my wife is our business."
She held her hands up, the ice in her glass clinking together. "Hey, sorry. I get it. You won't hear a peep outta me about it."
A loud cheer rose up somewhere in the bar just when Carly opened her mouth again to speak. She flashed an annoyed look in their general direction before stepping closer to me. Before I knew it, her hand was on my chest, and she was up on her tiptoes.
"If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me."
Her breath tickled my ear, and I jerked back from her. I glanced around and realized that our group had moved. "Where is everyone?"
Her look was odd and a small smirk curved her mouth. "They found a table outside."
I nodded. "I'm gonna get another drink. I'll see you outside."
With that, I strolled away from her as fast as my legs could carry me. I wiped my ear discreetly against my shoulder.