Chapter 19
"I 'll have the chicken and grilled vegetables. Plus another glass of chardonnay." Carly glanced at me with a hopeful smile. "Are you sure you don't want a beer or something?"
My returning smile felt hollow and forced. I passed our menus back to the waitress with a murmured thanks. "No, I'll just stick to water and juice."
The waitress left to fulfill our order, leaving behind the same awkward and strained energy that had plagued our night. Although Carly didn't seem affected by it. She'd been her usual chatty self. A little more flirty than normal, given that I was currently out to dinner with her. Alone. Something I knew was a colossal mistake. A stupid one.
My shoulders bunched when she reached across the table and clasped my hand in hers. It was our first physical touch of the night, apart from the brief hug she gave me in the tight confines of my car.
"I'm so glad we're doing this."
It was a struggle not to pull back from her touch. Instead, I gave her hand a light squeeze before sliding my own out from underneath hers, using the excuse to drink from my water glass.
This was a mistake.
I knew it when I agreed to dinner. I knew it when I picked her up, and I knew it when I entered this restaurant.
The lie I'd told my wife burned in my chest like a cruel branding. When Frankie asked me straight out whether I was dating or seeing Carly, I had been truthful with my response.
Even when Carly pressed me again to meet up, I'd flatly turned her down.
"C'mon. It's only dinner. Two friends meeting up for a meal and drink. How is it any different from having lunch?"
One glance around the restaurant that was filled with couples and soft candles…there was a big fucking difference.
Carly figured out pretty quickly that Frankie and I were separated. The signs were obvious—spending more time in the office, starting work early and finishing well after everyone went home. Sometimes Carly stayed back with me, even though I knew she didn’t have any work to do. She could sense I had no one to go home to; that I'd rather spend my days punishing myself at work than sit with my choices.
Frankie had sounded so cold and detached when we’d last spoken. I'd gone from panicked at not seeing her before she left, to pissed off when she stubbornly refused to even talk to me. I only wanted a moment of her time—one last glance at her before she went to Mexico and then god knew where.
But we were separated. A decision I had made. I had no right to her time, especially when she claimed that I only wanted to see her because she was leaving. That wasn't true. But something about that phone call raised alarm bells. She'd sounded different. Matter-of-fact. Blunt. So…far removed from my Frankie.
So done.
In my frustration and childish petulance—and a little deep-seated panic—I'd agreed to dinner with Carly.
Add it to the list of stupid fucking mistakes.
Every touch from Carly tonight felt like another shovel of dirt piled on top of my rapidly buried marriage. I should never have agreed to do this.
Dinner with Carly felt forced. Our usual jovial conversations at work or drinks out with colleagues had somehow disappeared in the face of a more intimate environment. I had no interest in her hobbies or who she thought was hooking up in the office. Didn't care about her sister's kids or that her brother was getting married. I carefully sidestepped her hint about needing a date for the event.
It had never been like this with Frankie. From the moment we met, it felt like two souls merging. Everything she did and said, I greedily soaked up. Even our silences were comfortable and companionable, our undeniable chemistry enough to bond us in moments of solitude or the odd silent treatment.
Even in the last few months, when things had been so strained, the magnetic pull of attraction I felt for Frankie had never waned. The only thing that held me back from soaking in her light was the guilt that ate at me from the secrets I kept. From the struggles I'd felt. Carly had been a welcome distraction. One I hadn't seen coming until I was sitting in her hotel room, about to cross a physical line. An added confusion I didn't need.
After another hour of stilted conversation and having to sit through her slurping her way through an ice cream sundae, our night finally wrapped up. I was exhausted from having to keep up the pretense of an interested companion, plus grappling with the guilt of doing something that felt like cheating.
Unfortunately, since I'd picked Carly up, I had to drive her home.
"I had a good time." Carly turned her body towards me after I pulled up outside her apartment. Her red-painted lips tilted in a teasing grin.
I gripped the wheel, my foot pulsing to leave. "Yeah, it was nice to get out of the house."
Her smile dimmed slightly in the streetlight. "Would you like to come in for a nightcap?"
My stomach dipped uncomfortably at her sultry tone. "Thanks for the offer, Carly, but I'm pretty tired. Woke up early to head to the gym."
I needed a way to burn off the extra energy; the guilt I felt at accepting Carly's dinner invite. I was lonely and fucking worried about my wife being away from me…out of reach in another country. I worried myself sick on how I was going to fix something that seemed irreparable. All I knew was that I just fucking needed to.
Well, going out to dinner with the woman you promised your wife meant nothing surely isn't the way to go.
"Gotta keep those biceps pumped, huh?" She squeezed my arm and said bicep tensed at the touch.
You could drive a truck through the gaps I left in our conversation. I knew this was the beginning of the end of my friendship with Carly. Something that I should have cut off months ago. Something I should've cut off as soon as Frankie and I separated—as soon as she told me how uncomfortable it made her.
"Well, goodnight," Carly's voice had an expectant lilt to it. Her hand reached out to the door handle. And stayed.
I nodded at her, keeping my hands on my lap. "Good night."
Before I knew it, Carly suddenly lunged toward me, giving me no time to capture her. She pressed up against me, one hand landing on my lap to plant herself before her mouth crushed against mine.
I was stunned; completely frozen. This was the first woman since Frankie whose lips touched mine. In my moment of shock, I allowed the kiss. For a couple of seconds of curiosity, my mind wondered if I would feel…something. But then Carly's tongue pushed past my closed mouth, and it was as if an alien had entered my body.
No. This was wrong.
Not because I still considered myself very much married but because it felt wrong. She felt wrong. Her touch, her lips, her skin. All wrong.
"No, no." I pulled back quickly, my side hitting my door as I scrambled to get away from her. I resisted the urge to wipe my mouth.
Her brows met in confusion and hurt. "But –"
"I'm sorry, Carly. I realize that I've thrown you so many mixed signals. But the truth is, I love my wife, and I want to try and work things out with her."
Her brow raised high before one arched in disbelief. Her lips pursed. "I'm surprised. All these months, you've been spending more of your free time away from her than with her. You can deny it all you want, Drew, but we almost kissed in my hotel room. It was admirable for you to stop yourself, but we both know there's an attraction here."
I hated being reminded of that night, but I needed to close this chapter with Carly. Before it was too late.
"I can't deny that there was something there. But that attraction would never have occurred if Frankie and I hadn't been having problems. Problems I now realize I should never have shared with you. Instead of talking to my wife, I avoided the issue and used you as a distraction."
Carly flinched, her body recoiling back. "Ouch."
I shook my head. "I'm sorry for leading you on. But I need to focus on fixing my marriage."
She was silent for a long time. Pity and shame burned me when I spied a pink hue climbing her cheeks. I didn't want to hurt her, but I'd been dishonest enough for the past year.
She finally glanced at me, her eyes cool. "Well, if that's what you want. Thanks for wasting my time." She shoved the car door open before slamming it shut behind her.
When I finally arrived home, I cursed silently when I spotted Sene in the living room playing his Nintendo Switch. He was on his four days off, but I'd hoped he'd be in bed by now.
"Hey, man," he called out without looking up. "Where were you at?"
I shed my jacket. "Out to dinner."
"With your work friends again?" He didn’t look up from his game.
I'd finally told him about Carly, how Frankie had warned me about her, and that she'd asked me to stop spending time with her. I'd even confided in him about our almost kiss at the hotel. Not surprisingly, he'd shaken his head and called me a fucking idiot. Sene was a total Frankie fan, so he couldn't understand why I'd turned my attention elsewhere. I couldn't understand it either.
I cleared my throat. "Just one."
His brow raised and he paused his game. "You fucking didn't."
"It was a mistake.” Shame coated my words.
"No fucking shit." He threw his console on the couch before running a hand over his shaved head. "What do you mean by 'mistake'? Did you do anything with her?"
Ashamed, I nodded. If I was going to be honest, I might as well keep up the habit. "She kissed me. At first, I let her, but then I wised up."
He blew a breath out before muttering something. I'd never seen my friend look so pissed at me. "Well, at least that's something," he snarkily remarked. "So why did you agree to go out with her?"
I rubbed a hand down my face as I sat in the armchair opposite. "You know how Frankie left for Mexico a couple of days ago? Well I didn't tell you, but she wanted to talk before we left. I…I didn't see her text 'til late."
The lie I'd told her about being out to lunch with colleagues further stabbed at me. I would've immediately gone to her if I had seen her text as soon as it came in. "I tried to meet with her afterward, but she blew me off. Carly was nagging to take me to dinner, and I said yes."
He held up his hand, his expression incredulous. He’d clocked onto my meaning. "Wait a minute…you fucked things up with Frankie, and instead of trying to work through it, you suggested a separation even though Frankie didn't want it…and now you're pissed that she wants space away?"
Tears burned behind my lids, and I leaned my arms on my knees, my head hanging down.
"Do you not want kids that much? I know you talked about not wanting children, but when you met Frankie, and she kept harping on about it, I figured you found someone you wanted a family with. Why didn't you talk to her about it? I don't get it."
"I didn't want her to leave me. I was scared that she’d choose kids over me, and then I realized that Frankie would be the kind of person who would choose me over kids. I can't live with the fact that she's half happy because she chose me."
"But she loves you. She was willing to work through all that with you, even after finding out about Carly. That should tell you how devoted she is."
I shook my head before letting out an agonized growl. "I don't know what to do."
"Here's what you do. You don't see or speak to Carly again unless you have to for work."
I nodded. I'd already decided not to spend any more time alone with her. I wasn't sure how to undo the damage I created, but I had to try.
"Then, as soon as Frankie is back, you sit her sweet ass down and work towards a reconciliation."
"I was already going to do all that. And don't talk about my wife's ass."
He grinned. "Next step is moving back in with Frankie if she's ready. Because, no offense, but you spend more time in the bathroom than I do."
I flipped him off, but my heart finally felt lighter for the first time in months. I had a plan in place now. I was ready to shove my insecurity aside to save my marriage. I was sure I didn't want kids, but I was willing to discuss it with Frankie. To see if we could come to a compromise.
Carly was another issue I needed to atone for. I spent time with her, ignoring my wife's fears, lying about her being on the trip, and not telling Frankie that I was out to lunch with her that day she wanted to meet up.
Fuck , almost kissing Carly. And then kissing Carly. It didn't matter that we were separated when it happened.
Or maybe I could omit that small detail? That I'd been out to dinner with Carly, and she'd kissed me. What Frankie didn't know won't hurt her.