Chapter 24
T he sound of Drew throwing up struck a tenderness in my heart. A love that still held on by a thread kept me tethered emotionally to my husband.
I was still so mad and hurt. Even before I'd found out I was pregnant, I knew my marriage to Drew was over. Love him as I did, I knew we couldn't go on. I couldn't trust him again.
Finding out I was pregnant cemented everything. Drew didn't want kids, so there was no way he would want anything to do with one that wasn't biologically his. I had to protect my heart. Protect my unborn child. One that I already loved so much.
But when Drew knocked on my door with my temporarily-former favorite breakfast in hand and a hopeful expression on his face, my heart and resolve had started to crack.
Even though he’d broken me first and in so many ways, I still wanted to protect him. To wrap him in my arms one last time.
I found him bent over the toilet, emptying his stomach. Kinda like I'd been doing the past couple of weeks.
My eyes softened at the sight. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Drew. And I knew that telling him I'd slept with someone else and fallen pregnant by them would crush him. But I hadn't expected this reaction.
I reached out slowly before my hand touched his back. Without thinking, I smoothed my hand over his shoulder blades, hoping to soothe and comfort him. His shoulders tensed before he reached out with a shaky hand and flushed the toilet. He breathed roughly and wiped his mouth. I felt his strong muscles start to shake beneath my hand.
"Andrew…" my voice broke, and I crouched behind him. He turned, and we instinctively fell into each other's arms. Together, we cried. He sobbed into my neck, his tears soaking my skin as he wept.
I'd cried so much over the last seventeen hours since he'd showed up on our doorstep last night. Knowing I had to tell him what I did…the result of that action. To know that our marriage was ending for good drowned me in grief. Still, my tired eyes cried with Drew.
I cried for all the years we had together. I cried for the arms I would no longer lay in. I cried for the dreams and plans we had shared. I cried for the vision I'd carried in my mind of the two of us, grey and old, hand in hand, sitting on two rocking chairs on our back porch. I cried for what we'd had and what could have been.
A long time later, once our tears had shifted to small sniffles and our bodies had briefly stopped their mourning, Drew pulled away from me. He turned and wiped at his face. "I need a minute." His voice was like sandpaper.
I nodded and rose, closing the bathroom door softly behind me. I busied myself by repacking our bagel and dumping our plates in the sink. Something told me that Drew had also lost his appetite.
I returned to my seat and again placed a protective hand against the life that was forming inside me.
A baby.
It was everything I'd ever wanted. With Drew . Falling pregnant by another man, a man I barely knew, was not part of my plan. My happiness at being pregnant was clouded over by the turmoil and guilt I felt at how it occurred. But as soon as I had the pregnancy confirmed by a physician and paid out of pocket for an ultrasound, I knew I had to put on my big girl panties. I wanted this baby—and this innocent little fetus that didn't know how fucked up their momma's life was at the moment—needed me.
"Are you going to keep it?"
My head jerked up at Drew's still-hoarse voice. His face was pale, his eyes bloodshot.
"Yes."
His face crumbled, and I thought for a moment he would break down again. Instead, he rubbed the bridge of his nose, breathing deeply.
After I had my pregnancy confirmed, I’d immediately driven straight to St Louis. The whole drive back, my stomach had been tied up in a nerve of knots. And it had nothing to do with my morning sickness. My marriage had been over before I slept with Carlos, but knowing that I had to tell the man I loved that I'd slept with someone else and fallen pregnant by him—if the roles had been reversed, I would've reacted the same way as Drew.
But despite knowing that I had a hard road ahead of me, filled with uncertainty and hardship as a single mother, the one thing I knew for sure was that I was keeping my baby. I didn't know what I was going to do, where I would live, or how I would survive on my own, but this baby, no matter how it was conceived, was wanted and deeply loved by me. It was a no-brainer.
The laugh that came out of Drew was harsh and bitter. "Yes. Of course you are." He gestured at me. "This is what you wanted, wasn't it? A baby. Well, congratulations, you got everything you wanted."
"Drew –"
"Did you plan this? I didn't want a baby, so you went out and slept with someone to ensure you did?"
From the look on Drew’s face, he knew he’d gone too far. His mouth tightened, and his gaze dropped from mine in shame. A red flush climbed his cheeks but, still, he remained silent, his jaw stubbornly set.
It was too late, anyway. I rose from my seat and crossed over to him. Crimson fury slashed my insides.
"How fucking dare you? For months you've treated me like shit. For months I tried to get you to talk to me, talk to a professional about what the hell was going on with you. I fought for our marriage. And what did you do? You stayed out late nearly every night, treated me like shit, and gave all your attention to another woman. You lied to me, cheated on me, made me feel like I was crazy –".
"I never cheated –"
"Shut the fuck up," I growled. "I'm not finished. I had no idea that you didn't want a baby because you never fucking talked to me. All those times I told you about my dreams for a family you nodded along like a dummy. And when you did decide to tell me, you also decided to drop on me that you almost kissed your co-worker. And when I wanted to still try and work on our marriage, you insisted we separate."
He opened his mouth to respond, but I cut him off.
"Stupidly, I wanted to still try. Yes, I wanted you to come with me to Mexico. I wanted us to spend time together to see if there was anything worth saving. If we could find a way back to each other again." My mouth tightened as tears threatened to fall again. But I was done crying over him.
"Seeing you with Carly was a slap in the face."
"Baby, it wasn't like that with Carly. That lunch, I was eating alone –"
"I don't care. I don't care if you were alone and she ambushed you. I don't care if you had an important meeting that bled into lunch. You lied to me when I called you, and you lied again about seeing her outside work."
"Frankie –"
"Do you know that your co-workers weren't shocked? When she shared the picture of the two of you at Isla's. One even wrote, "Finally!" That was nice to read from someone I'd been introduced to as your wife."
A look of horror crossed his face, and his head shook in denial. Fake denial. "Frankie. Frankie, no. It's - it's not –"
"It's not what I think? It never is,” I sneered. “' She's just a colleague. We're just work friends. There's going to be a group of us there. You sound jealous; that's not attractive. Why won't you believe me? There's nothing going on.'"
I raised my brow at him, and he had the grace to look ashamed. "For months, you gaslit me, made me feel like I was crazy. And the whole time, something was going on. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, you were invested in her."
I shook my head, slashing my hand in the air. "I'm done. I'm tired of being emotionally manipulated by you." My voice broke, and my stomach clenched. I rubbed at it protectively. Drew glanced down before quickly looking away, his jaw pulsing. "I just - I just want to be happy. And I haven't been happy in a long time."
I stared at his bowed head for a moment. Memorizing the shape of his skull and the way frustrated hands ruffled his usually neat hair. His strong shoulders rose and fell with his tormented breaths. The way his fists clenched and unclenched.
He had always been a beautiful man. I'd been looking forward to seeing him grow into a silver fox, knowing he would become more handsome in age. Now, that would never happen.
"Our lease ends in three months," I quietly continued. "Nellie said I can live with her until I sort things out. You can move back here and take over the lease if you want. I'll pay up my half until then."
He remained silent, his tense shoulders the only clue that he'd heard me.
"I'm going to go lie down. Stay or go; it doesn't matter because I'll be moving in with Nells tomorrow."
I turned to leave, my heart heavy and my mind in a whirlwind of turmoil. Anger. Sadness. Bitterness. Acceptance.
"Frankie..."
I couldn't stop. I knew I'd lose it if I turned around to look at him.
"Frankie," he called out again as I continued walking away. "Frankie, I'm sorry."
My resolve broke as I hit the stairs, but I kept going.
I was sorry, too. But it was too little too late.