Chapter 12 Tennant
So much blood. My hands shake as I try to staunch the bleeding. Fuck!
“Don’t you fucking die on me, Benjamin.” My voice shakes, and the ball of pain and rage I’ve been shoving down comes racing back to the surface.
His eyes close and his breathing gets shallower.
“No…”
A lump forms in my throat and my vision blurs as tears fill them. Fuck…
There’s an explosion of activity behind me, but I don’t look away from the man on the bed. His face seems to get paler by the second, as he continues losing blood, and the lips I love kissing so much begin to lose their color.
“Move, Ten,” Doc says.
I barely hear him, focusing entirely on my Topolino.
“Tennant—” Someone touches my shoulder and I lash out, turning to strike whoever dared touch me.
Doc takes the hit across his face, blood immediately dripping from his nose. The sight of his blood should calm the raging storm, but it doesn't. In fact, it only makes it worse.
Soren takes a step toward me, but Doc holds an arm out. “Help Vonny with Benjamin. It’s fine, Daddy.”
The younger man doesn’t look convinced, but turns his attention to my love, which only marginally helps.
Doc takes a step closer and lowers his voice. “That was your one free hit, Ten. Try it again and my Daddy won’t be so easily called off. Now, get out.”
“Doc…”
“No.” He shakes his head. “Out. I need to take care of your lover; if you want him to live, that is?” He tilts his head. “It’s not like you to leave them breathing…”
Grabbing the front of his scrubs, I pull him closer, staring into his hard amber eyes. “You will save him, you hear me, Doc? Don’t fucking test me.”
“Out, Tennant. Or I swear to fuck I will sedate you.” His voice doesn’t waver or change, and neither does his expression.
It’s the sense of normalcy that has me backing down, as some part of my fucked up head recognizes that it can trust Doc.
Stumbling out of the bedroom, I find Jude waiting in the hall. He doesn’t say anything, but he reaches for me, pulling me into him. I don’t resist, letting him wrap his strong arms around me.
“He’ll be okay, Ten. Doc will save him.”
I shake my head and let him hold me as I fall apart in his arms. My body trembles and tears fall down my cheeks at the reality of what I’ve done…the cold truth of being such a fucking monster means that I might lose one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.
“They’re moving him downstairs,” Jude says quietly.
I don’t move, instead I bury my face into his neck, so I don’t have to see my precious Baby Mouse’s lifeless form.
“Do you want to wait up here? Or downstairs?”
Swallowing, I pull back and look at Jude. His pale green eyes are devoid of anything except worry—for me or Benjamin? Not that I deserve to have anyone worry about me. “I…fuck, Agnellino.”
“Come with me.”
Jude grabs my hand and leads me downstairs. I clock the way he takes the stairs slowly, his hand tight on the railing.
“When was the last time you saw Jayden?”
He turns to look at me. “Repeat that, please?”
Clearing my throat, I hope my words come out at a normal volume. “Your leg. When was the last time you had a PT session?”
He grimaces. “I’m fine.”
“Not what I asked.”
“Don’t worry about me—”
Slipping my hand out of his, I push him against the railing, my hand at his throat.
“Do not fucking test me, Agnellino. You’re not allowed to ignore your health, do you understand?
I—” I swallow around the lump in my throat, as the words clogging my brain become hard to get out, but I force them anyway. “I can’t lose you, too.”
“Hey…” He reaches for my face, cupping my cheek. “I’m okay. I’ll get checked out soon. It’s just been a rough few weeks. I promise, I’m fine. Come, Benjamin needs you now.”
Shaking my head, I squeeze his throat for a minute, cutting off his air. Jude lets me, his expression never changing, his eyes still trusting.
“Fuck!” I rip myself away from him. “You should go find your lovers, Little Lamb. Or check on Hol. I can’t…”
“They don’t need me right now. Hollis is being monitored by Doc and Leandro; he’s fine.
Doc didn’t tell him, but he included a sedative in the meds he gave him, so he’ll be out for a while.
I just got out of a meeting with Carter, the twins are working, and Antonio is waiting for orders from me based on what Carter and I spoke about.
So, the only place I need to be right now is with you. ”
He reaches for my hand again, and I allow him to lead me to the medical suite. The only occupied room is Carter’s, so all the other ones have open doors, except the one at the very end of the hall. Jude leads me there, and situates us on the opposite wall from the door.
We settle in to wait, and more fucking tears trail down my face as we do. Fuck. I hate this. I don’t cry. Not even when my mother took her last breath when I was eleven. I held her hand as the illness took her from me, but even then, my reactions weren’t normal.
“I don’t know what to do,” I say, too low to be heard if the look Jude gives me is any indication. He doesn’t ask me to repeat myself, though. Probably because he, of all my lovers, understands how much this fuck up is tearing me apart.
The problem is, I don’t fuck up. Ever.
Antonio comes from…somewhere, and Jude opens his other arm, holding his Boy close.
The sight of them…it makes my heart twist, and reminds me of what I’ve lost. Roman and Emilio…
they should be here. Roman should be trying to prevent the little monster from taking me out, even though he has every right.
I was supposed to protect them. Roman, Lio, Benjamin…they’re supposed to be safe with me.
Jayden appears, pushing Ignacio in a wheelchair, and as much as I want to turn away from the censure I’m sure Chaos has for me, I don’t.
I am glad he’s here, I know how much Benjamin still loves him.
Even if they’re not together, I want my Topolino to have his friendship, to have someone who will love him in all the ways I can’t.
“If you try to leave this chair, I will strap you to your bed,” Jayden tells Ignacio. There’s a fissure of tension between the two men as they stare at each other.
Ignacio promises to behave and Jayden sniffs before shifting his attention to Jude. “You, come with me. I can see you’ve fucked yourself up from here.”
“I’m fine,” Jude protests.
“I’m not asking.”
“Please, Agnellino,” I tell him. “You promised.”
Jude lets out a harsh breath and presses a kiss to his Boy’s head. “Fine.” He lets Antonio go and pushes off the wall.
Jayden makes a noise and shakes his head in disgust. “I’m not even going to ask where your cane is. My office, now.” He takes off, and Jude reluctantly follows him.
With my Little Lamb off to get his ass kicked by his physical therapist, I’m left with the one person who should hate me, and one who I’m not sure how to take most days.
“He’ll be okay,” Ignacio says. “He’s strong.”
I stare at him. “You don’t know that. You weren’t there. You didn’t see…” I look down at my blood-stained hands. So much fucking blood. The sickening way the knife slid through him so easily…the angle…it could have hit any number of organs. Fuck! “He was so pale,” I whisper.
“He loves you. He won’t leave you so easily. And…he won’t blame you.”
“He should.” I look up and curl my lip. “It’s my fault he might die!”
“It was an accident,” Antonio says. “Leandro said you were fighting and you didn’t mean to…”
I growl and curse my son for being such a nosy fucking bastard.
“Is that true?” Ignacio asks.
I shrug. “He handed me a knife…he wanted… Fuck, I don’t know what he wanted, but I wasn’t…I couldn’t do it… I tried to leave and he fucking touched me…” I curl my hand into a fist and slam it into the wall behind me. “Stupidly brave Baby Mouse tried to tame the monster.”
“It was a mistake,” Antonio says softly. “They happen. We’ve all had our fair share of mistakes.”
I laugh harshly. “I don’t make mistakes.
” Taking a breath, I welcome the numbness that courses through me.
“I am a weapon. I’ve known that for years.
I’ve harnessed every bit of strength I could to become what my Family needed me to be.
Mistakes, especially with a weapon in my hand? They don’t happen.”
“Benjamin will understand,” Ignacio says again.
“He’s also at fault. What you’re going through…
” He shakes his head. “Fuck, I’m having a hard time with Roman being gone, and being so fucking useless.
Had I been there when he was taken… You’re coping better than me.
You’re not to blame for lashing out, for forgetting the knife was in your hand, for—”
“Forgetting,” I spit the word. “Means I cannot be trusted. Might as well put me down, because if I can so easily lose track of my surroundings with someone who claims to love me… I’m the worst type of monster.”
Ignacio reaches out, grimacing as leaning forward in his wheelchair pulls at his still-healing wound.
He stops inches from actually touching me.
“Benjamin sees you for who you are, Ten. He loves you, and nothing will ever make him stop loving you. He’s incredibly loyal like that.
He’s not going to want you to blame yourself. ”
I stare at him, into dark eyes that are full of sympathy, and shake my head in disgust. “You should hate me.”
He sits back and shrugs. “Probably, but I can’t.
Not when both Roman and Benjamin love you; I trust them and their judgment.
I don’t hate you, not when you give them what they both need.
This…it’s not a reflection of your love for Benjamin.
If I thought it was, nothing would stop me from killing you. ”
I can’t… Ignacio being fucking nice to me is too much for me to take.
Pushing away from the wall, I try to force myself to leave. I don’t deserve to hold vigil for the man I almost killed.
Except my body and mind seem to be in disagreement, because I find I can’t fucking leave.
Love.
Stupid fucking useless emotion won’t let me leave.
So, I do the next best thing… I drop to the floor and bury my face in my knees. Maybe the assholes waiting with me will get the hint and let me self-implode in peace.
The trembles are back, and I choke on a sob.
Maybe Sergio Amato was right all those years ago. Maybe I am toxic. Destructive. Good for nothing but bringing pain to those around me.
My thoughts trip over themselves, the past and present blurring together as my ass grows as numb as my insides.
“Tennant.”
My name has me looking up, and I meet Doc’s tired gaze. I try to stand but my body protests from sitting in the same position for so long.
Hands reach for me, helping me up, and I stare up into Jude’s eyes.
He must see the question in mine, because as soon as I’m steady, he removes his hands to say, “I’m fine.
Jayden worked me over, gave me another of Doc’s shots for pain.
It’s been a few hours since then, so I’m feeling nothing but the normal irritation of having to deal with Jayden. ”
The humor he tries to bring into the conversation falls flat, though he does try. Still, I don’t deserve to find amusement in anything right now. I look back to Doc for answers.
“He’ll be okay,” Doc says. “I gave him enough meds to keep him out the rest of the day, so he can heal. The knife ended up nicking a kidney, which is why there was so much fucking blood. It didn’t damage the organ, thankfully, but he’s going to be in a lot of pain for a while.
Still, he’ll be okay. You can see him, if you want. ”
I shake my head. “I…I can’t…”
“He’ll want you there,” Ignacio says. “Go. He’ll heal better if you’re there.”
“Can I sit with him?” Jude asks.
Doc seems to contemplate it, but finally nods. “No more than the two of you.”
“Okay.” Jude looks at his lover. “I told Carter what I learned from the cop; he’ll give you your orders. Make sure you tell me if you go anywhere, Bello.”
“I know, Sir. Don’t worry about me.”
I want to ask what’s happening. Being out of the loop is not normal for me, but right now, all my focus is on not breaking further than I already have.
Jude grabs my hand and leads me into the room, and it takes all of my strength not to turn around and flee when I see Benjamin hooked up to monitors, looking so still and pale in the hospital bed.
Fuck.
I stumble over my feet as Jude tugs me further into the room, and I lose my sight as more tears fill my eyes.
I allow Jude to shove me into the chair next to the bed, and though I don’t deserve it, I reach for Benjamin’s hand, so small and delicate in mine.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I love you, and I’m so fucking sorry, Topolino…”
Broken.
If losing Cristian left me hollow, then losing Benjamin has left me broken.