Chapter 15
Being drugged can go to hell. Fucking Doc is going to see the wrong side of my blade. I’ve been sedated enough times over the years to know how it feels, so the next time he hands me anything and says, “Take it or I'll force you,” I’m going to punch him before carefully inspecting each pill.
Groaning at the stiffness in my muscles, I carefully sit up. Reaching for my glasses, I try not to flinch at the room I'm in. I vaguely remember being urged into the bed after my restless sleep with Jude. That's when they drugged me.
I understand giving Antonio and the twins their room back, they may be Jude’s, but I doubt they want to deal with the mess that is me.
“Easy,” Doc says. “You have a lot running through your system right now. Go slow.”
I scowl at him from where he sits in a chair, comfortable as can be, looking as if he doesn't have a care in the world, despite the unruly state of his brown hair and dark circles under his eyes.
“You tricked me,” I croak.
He points to the water on the bedside table.
Taking a much-needed drink from the bottle, I cap it and stare at Doc. “What happened?”
He doesn't answer for a moment, watching me carefully.
“I need you to be honest with me, Hollis.
I can't help you if you're not. We have too much other shit going on.
We still have Allesandro on suicide watch, though we've eased back a little as he seems to be doing better, and is responding to his medication.
I don't want to put the same precautions onto you, but I will.”
Swallowing, I play with the label on the bottle, trying my best to ignore the bandage that's once more covering my arm. Shielding me from my failures.
“It's not weakness, or a mark against you to need help, Hollis,” Doc says softly, as if reading my thoughts. “But I cannot help you if you don't want to help yourself. If…” He takes an audible breath. “Do you want to die?”
I flinch. Slowly, I shake my head.
“Words, Hollis. I need words.”
Licking my dry lips, I meet his concerned eyes.
“Not anymore. When I was with Gerald, yes, I wanted it all to end, to just…
stop all the bullshit. I was so fucking tired.
After the fire… with Roman getting hurt…
I felt so fucking useless. Do you know what that feels like?
To be so fucking helpless when the people you love are hurting?
“I didn't want to die then, I just wanted it all to stop. I…it…hurting myself isn't something I want to do, but…”
“But at your lowest, it was your only option, and now, it's a crutch that promises relief when there's nothing else for you to do to fix the situation.”
I shake my head. “No… I don't want it to be. You understand? If I'm unstable… unable to take care of my Boys… Fuck! I'll be no better than Allesandro and Cristian if I can't keep myself together.”
Doc leans forward, every movement telegraphed. “I can help you. I’ve already arranged for more meds for you; a lower dosage than what I’ve already given you. We might need to adjust and reassess until we get it right, but we will get it right. I have a few therapists—”
“No!”
“This is non-negotiable. You will speak with someone. You want to be better for Lio and Roman? Tennant and Jude? You have to be better for yourself first, Hollis.” He looks down at his hands for a moment before meeting my eyes again.
“If Cristian didn't shove my stubborn ass into therapy when we met, I'm not sure I'd be the man Daddy loves.
I still have a whole lot of daddy issues when it comes to my parents.
Still have nightmares of what those fucks did to me, and now I have them of Soren's father—only in those ones, it's not my life at stake. But…I have Daddy and James. I have years’ worth of therapy, and I have the tools to keep me grounded. We can get you all that, too, Hollis.”
Taking slow, measured breaths, I try not to let the rising panic in me show. But Doc knows, the fucker always does.
“I got you, Hollis.” He walks me through a breathing exercise, and slowly, the panic recedes.
The ever-present anxiety is still there, manifesting in the way my hands shake and I choke on a sob.
“I don’t want it to be this way…” I say softly.
“I know. Let me help you.”
Meeting his calm, sure gaze, I let out another slow breath. “Therapy?”
He grins. “Yep. I’d apologize, but I know how you feel after everything Tennant went through.
Honestly, if Cristian didn’t need me as a doctor who was loyal to him and not his uncle, I never would have gone either, but he did need me to not be broken, so here we are.
I promise, the people I work with are better and won’t hurt you.
Talk to Enzo if you need reassurance, he still talks to the therapist I made him see when he first lost his leg. ”
“I hate you, you know that?”
Doc laughs. “I know. That’s fine. I don’t need you to like me, but you will listen to me.”
Sighing, I look down at my bandaged arm. “What’s the damage?”
“Few stitches, but luckily, you didn’t do any damage to the tendon, so it’ll heal up fine. I’d rather not have to sew you up again, though, so…meds, therapy, and talk to me or someone if you need to.”
I nod slowly. “I can’t make promises that it’ll be easy, but…yeah. You’re right. For Emilio and Roman… For Ten. For Jude. This family we’re building…the Council is doing amazing things, and I need to be here for it.”
“Good.”
Needing to change the subject, I ask, “Where’s Tennant? I would have thought he’d insist on being here.”
“I’ve barred anyone except me and my staff from entering. You needed sleep. I know you haven’t been, and I didn’t want anyone to disturb you. Not only that…Ten is a little preoccupied.”
“What happened?”
Doc sighs, and seems to brace himself before saying, “He almost killed Benjamin, so he’s sitting with him, waiting for the idiot to wake up.”
“What? Almost? That doesn’t make sense. Tennant doesn’t do almost killing.”
Doc grimaces. “He does when it’s an accident.”
“What? What the fuck happened?”
“From what we’ve been able to piece together, from Tennant’s broken account and Leandro, they were fighting and Benjamin got in the way.
Ten had a knife and well…an inch or so deeper and Benjamin probably wouldn’t be alive.
The knife went straight through and nicked a kidney.
There wasn’t much damage to the organ, but it’s going to take a while for him to heal, as we don’t want to risk him bleeding internally, so he’ll be on strict bed rest for the first week or so.
After that, it’ll be giving the wound time to heal, and recovering from the surgery.
So he’s down for the count for a while. Tennant…
is not handling it well, as you can imagine. ”
I bet he’s not. I know Ten too well. He doesn’t do guilt or fear. Benjamin is a fucking dumbass who either has a death wish or somehow thinks he’s immune to Tennant’s monster. Just because he’s able to get through to Tennant, that he already sacrificed himself once, does not mean he’ll be safe.
As soon as I can get away with it, I need to have a conversation with him about his place in our family. It’s not just his relationship with Tennant he’s putting at risk with his idiocy, it's everyone.
“I need to see Ten.”
Doc looks like he’s going to protest, but simply sighs and nods. “I’ll allow you to see Tennant. He might do better knowing you’re okay. Right now, he’s sitting at Benjamin’s side, and I’m considering drugging his ass. So, if you’re able to get through to him, do it.”
“Thank you.” I look at the bedside table, and then back to Doc. “Where’s my phone?”
“Nope,” he says firmly. “You’re not getting that back for another day, maybe two.
Leandro has work covered, and Jude is doing a phenomenal job as Roman’s Second.
Keegan is back too. He and Tennant both should be recovering from getting shot.
Arm wounds or not, they still need time, but I’m not pushing either of them right now.
Carter, Keegan, and Jude have things under control.
You’re not allowed to work until I say so.
Be grateful there’s too much going on that I can’t ban you from working at all. ”
I scowl, but know he’s not going to budge on this.
“Get cleaned up, I’ll get some food from the kitchen, and you can eat then see Ten.”
I try to argue but he stares at me until I reluctantly nod.
Luckily, he doesn’t watch me shower, but I notice the razors are missing from the bathroom. I might not be under suicide watch, but apparently, they don’t trust me, and I don’t blame them. I don’t trust myself.
Letting the hot water cascade down my body, I brace myself against the wall and fall apart.
My legs shake and barely hold my weight as I sob, the sound of the shower hopefully covering it.
Lio…Tennant…Roman… Hell, to a certain extent, Benjamin, even if I’m not sure whether I’ll let him live or not…all the pain and stress, the people that need me to be strong when I’m probably the most broken of us all… I don’t deserve them.
I don’t deserve their trust, loyalty, or dedication, but like hell am I going to let them down again. My Boys and my love need me to be strong, they see something in me that I never have, not after being torn down at such a young age.
But, I’m not alone anymore. I haven’t been for a long time.
Bad habits are hard to break, but I will do it. Because my Family needs me, my Boys trust me, and fuck if I’ll let them down. No one will stop me from rescuing Roman and Emilio, or from being what Tennant needs. Not even myself.