Chapter 34 Carter
Keegan pulls me into him without a word.
Because really, what can he say? There are no words, no magic wands, to fix the pain currently coursing through me.
It feels as if my heart has been ripped from my chest, and part of me argues that I shouldn’t be allowed to feel so devastated, since I’m the one that held the knife, but…
Despite what Cristian might think of me, this isn’t easy.
You don’t throw a decade of your life down the drain and come out unscathed, not unless you’re heartless, or never meant what you said.
And that’s the kicker, isn’t it? I meant every fucking word I ever spoke to Cristian Amato. Every touch, every kiss, every vow. I thought he was my everything, that after the pain we endured because of my lies, nothing would be able to touch us. Turns out, we were really good at lying to ourselves.
Keegan holds me throughout my breakdown, murmuring words I can’t make out through the heartbreak, but somehow, they warm me from the inside anyway. Knowing he’s here, and that he’s willing to hold me up when one soft breeze could probably knock me over.
I jump when someone crowds behind me, but relax when I realize Marcus has returned and is now sitting on the bed with me, holding me as tightly as Keegan is.
Safe in their arms, I let the destruction I’ve wrought overtake me, and the pieces of my soul shatter to pieces as I soak up the love I’m not sure I deserve.
Was it a mistake? The thought swirls through me and I choke back a sob. Pulling away from Keegan, I look up into his gray eyes, so intense but soft at the same time. His touch, as he cups my face, is gentle, and it makes more tears fall.
“I…” Swallowing, I try to find words that match the emotions that are causing such havoc inside me.
“Shh. It’s okay, Love.” Keegan leans in and presses a soft kiss to my head.
Closing my eyes, I try to calm my breathing, forcing the words out. “It’s over with. I ended our relationship for good… I don’t know what to do now.”
“What do you want to do?” Keegan asks.
Opening my eyes, I blink through my tears and meet his steady gaze. “I want…to be happy. I don’t know if I deserve it, though.”
“That’s bullshit,” Marcus says. His arms tighten almost painfully around me, but I embrace it, needing his connection. “You deserve everything, Carter.”
“Do I?” I question. Cristian’s pain-filled eyes come to the forefront of my mind. “He keeps accusing me of leaving him for someone else…is it true? Am I just… throwing away my marriage for you two?”
“Are you?” Keegan’s stormy eyes darken a little. “If…if he is what you want, we’ll respect that. We want you to be happy, Love. We love you so fucking much, that if stepping aside is what you need, we’ll do it.”
The thought of not having them like this…of not seeing where this goes…it’s petrifying. “No,” I gasp. “I can’t… No, I can’t live without you. I need you. Need what we’re building. I need Cole. He’s mine.”
“We’ll never take him from you,” Marcus says gently in my ear. “He loves you, and he’s been through so much that we won’t ever take away what makes him happy.”
Thinking of the little boy who brings such joy to my life…can I go back to just being his friend? No. I want to raise him. I want to help mold him into the man he’s supposed to be. I believe that they won’t take him from me, but much like I know Roman is mine, so is Cole.
And so are Marcus and Keegan.
“It hurts. Not being with him. Ending our marriage for good. There were a lot of parts that I think we just slapped a bandage on and called it good. We thought our love was strong enough to withstand all the baggage, but all of this…the kidnapping, Allesandro, his PTSD—if that’s what it is—the two of you…
it’s shown me that sometimes loving someone isn’t enough.
“I will never not love him. He was the first person I truly trusted, really loved. He’s the father of my son, and he gave me a chance at life when he should have killed me. But…while it hurts, it’s not as world-ending as it would be if I lost either of you.
“I’m not saying my feelings for you are more, it doesn’t work like that, but…to lose either of you would kill me. Maybe that makes me a terrible person, after all, I married him for fuck’s sake. I just…I don’t know. I love you. So fucking much.”
Keegan leans down and kisses me, taking my mouth so sweetly but completely that all I can do is lean against Marcus and moan, letting him own me in the best of ways.
I never thought of myself as submissive, or even really dominant.
Cristian and I were always vers, though I topped most of the time because it’s what we preferred, but when it came to the blood and knife play, we took equal turns there.
Yet when it comes to Keegan, I would lay myself out for him in any way he wants.
There’s a sureness in his touch, a strength I want to give myself over to.
When the kiss breaks, he traces my bottom lip with his thumb. “I love you, Carter. I’m going to take care of you, if you’ll have me.”
“We are going to take care of you.” Marcus lets me go and slides off the bed, gently nudging Keegan to the side, so he can place his own hand on my face. “I love you, too. You’re not alone in this; you never have to be again.”
When Marcus kisses me, it’s different. He yields to my touch, kissing me with such passion, while following my lead, and the thought goes straight to my dick. I groan into his mouth, wanting more, wanting to see how far he’ll let me push.
The dichotomy of the two of them makes my head spin, but together? Together they make a beautiful package, and I want to see it. I want to see the trust between them play out in front of me. One day, I hope I’m lucky enough to be invited into it.
When the kiss finally breaks, I cup Marcus’s cheek, staring into his gorgeous eyes.
“I love you,” I whisper. “I don’t know what I did to earn the two of you.
I…don’t know how to do this. Cristian was the only man I’ve been with in a very long time, but I want to try.
I am broken. I am the one who ended my marriage, but that doesn’t mean I'm not hurt.
“And my son is still missing. I need him here. I need to talk to him, to make sure he understands that I’m not trying to replace him or shut him out.
“Roman is a part of me. He is my soul, but…I want the two of you to become my heart. I want…so many things, I can’t even name them, but I hope you’ll give me this chance. That…you’ll forgive me for being so fucking broken.”
“You’re not broken,” Keegan says. “A little jagged, a little lost, but not broken. We’ll be here to help hold the pieces in place for you. You don’t have to earn our love or affection. You already have us, Love. All of us.”
Looking between them, I ask, “You really would have stepped aside if I chose him, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes,” Marcus answers. “We would have let you go. We’d still be your friends, your family, but we only want you to be happy… Do you regret it? Are you having second thoughts?” There’s fear in his eyes, and I lean in to kiss him softly, hoping to ease the worry.
“No. I don’t. I’m sure about what happened.
I had to make the best choice, not just for me, but for Cristian and Roman, too.
Cris deserves to be happy, and I don’t think we make each other happy anymore.
Roman…he deserves to have parents who can be there for him without letting their own shit get in the way. He’s so smart and brave and fearless.
“We need to move on. To be able to be a family without the bullshit, and this is how we do it.” I smile at the two of them. “Roman is going to love you.”
“We hope so,” Marcus says. “We already love him.”
“He’ll probably threaten you, but that just means he cares.”
Keegan laughs a little. “He’s welcome to. We’ll never hurt him. You…are so much stronger than you think you are, Carter. We’ll follow you to the ends of the earth, not because we love you, or because you’re our Boss, but because you are someone worth dying and living for.”
More tears fall and I swipe them away. “Fuck. I don’t feel very strong right now.”
“It’s okay,” Marcus reassures me. “We’ll remind you, and be your strength until you believe it.”
I don’t fucking deserve them.
Exhaustion starts to tug at me and I yawn. They jump into action, helping me back into bed. I huff. “I hope Doc lets me sleep in a real bed soon. I want to hold you both.”
“Us too.” Keegan smooths his hand over my hair. “I want to show you how you deserve to be treated, Love. You and Marcus…you’re going to be very beautiful under me.”
My breath hitches, and my cock makes another valiant attempt to get hard, but the emotional exhaustion is too much.
“Cole is going to love getting daddy cuddles from all of us,” Marcus says gently as he tucks me into bed.
I smile a little. “I’m looking forward to it.” I look at the two of them. “All of it.”
They each kiss me again. “Sleep, Love,” Keegan mutters. “We’ll be here with you.”
“You deserve rest, too.”
“Don’t worry, we will. Doc left the cot in here. We’ll be fine. Love you.” Marcus sneaks one more kiss in as my eyes blink open and closed slowly.
Do I deserve them? Probably not. But like hell am I going to give this up.
My heart might be broken, but Keegan and Marcus are showing me there’s beauty in the aftermath of destruction.
Amongst the ashes of what used to be, is a beginning that is just as sweet as the two men I want to live for.
I only hope I can give them a fraction of the love they so effortlessly show me.