Chapter 14 Callum
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CALLUM
I am the most cowardly, scummy, opportunistic lowlife to walk the face of this earth.
And that cowardly, scummy, opportunistic lowlife is currently touching his stomach while lying in bed, trying to remember the feeling of Ian’s chiseled abs beneath his fingertips.
I keep going back to the surprised jump his throat made when I followed through on his joking invitation to “cop a feel.” He didn’t break eye contact, which would usually be nerve-racking, but in the moment, it was great because he didn’t see how my dick firmed up at the slightest brush of his hard muscles against my fingers.
Will I ever get to feel something like that again? The hard ridges of another guy’s muscles, all warm and sensual under my hand?
Oh, shit—I’m allowing myself to get all depraved over Ian. While I know there’s no inherent problem with attraction, and Anita said the same thing, this kind of thinking crosses the line into inappropriate territory.
Groaning to myself, I turn over and bury my face in the pillow. Nothing is going to change about my wandering thoughts if I don’t do anything. Ian’s still going to be very bi and very hot, I’m still going to be weird and closeted, and things could implode like a pressure cooker.
I could get drunk and make a stupid move on him, and then I’d lose him as a friend.
The mere thought of that makes my stomach churn. Something has to give before I get to that point. I need to take some kind of action; it’s not on Ian to do everything.
Maybe he needs to know about me.
The thought sends terror into my guts. The only other person who knows I’m gay is Anita, and being cool with that is part of her job. As for the rest of the world, it’s up in the air.
If I come out now, Ian might go cold on me. It’s one thing for him to joke with me the way he does with his other friends, but I’m different. I’m capable of—no, I’m actively liking him.
He was comfortable enough to come out to me, but that’s only because he thought, and still thinks, that I’m straight.
But he deserves to know. He deserves to know I’m gay so at least he’s informed. So he can decide whether or not sharing his home with the likes of me is something that he’s still comfortable with.
It’s a tough choice—keep myself hidden and hope I don’t do something stupid, or be upfront and risk things getting awkward.
I unlock my phone as a distraction, and I find a text from Laura waiting.
Laura Pierre
Sabrina is watching some awful TV show and as much as I love her I simply cannot cope with any more
Wanna hang out if you’re free?
Maybe I could talk to Laura about this.
Getting a compulsion to unload my issues on others isn’t ideal at all, and I make a note to discuss more coping mechanisms with Anita when we meet next. Still, that doesn’t help me now, and Laura’s been nice to me, and she might be able to put some things into perspective.
I’m free, do you want to study French too?
Absolutely the fuck not
Let’s just hang out lmao
Sounds good
Yay! Meet me at the student center in 15 and we can do anything EXCEPT studying French
Right. Okay. I have to get ready; I’m showered, but I’m still only wearing a shirt and my old sweats.
I get dressed for real and grab a stack of cookies on the way out, and as soon as I take a bite out of the first one, my mouth waters, begging me to scarf down the rest of them. These are addictive. I’ll have to ask Ian if he’s putting drugs in everything he bakes.
Despite everything that went down this morning, I still arrive at the student center with a content smile on my face.
Because of Ian’s magic cookies.
Why does he have to make this so hard by being bi and irresistible? It’s like he’s trying to keep me wrapped around his finger, but he isn’t, and he doesn’t know that he is—I’m just a massive freaking loser who falls for the first attractive guy he meets after leaving home.
I spot Laura sitting at a table in the student center, and I settle down in the seat across from her.
“Something’s up,” she says. “What’s going on?”
Huh? I go through everything that could be wrong—clothes, hair, face, shoes. Did I accidentally steal Ian’s shoes or something?
“Callum. It’s chill. I can practically see the gears turning in your head.”
I relax, if only a bit.
“You seem a little disturbed. Is everything okay?” she continues.
“I guess, yeah.” I shove my hands into the pockets of my coat, the same one Ian gave me last month.
Laura narrows her eyes at me, clearly not believing a word of what I said.
Shifting uncomfortably, I suck in a dry breath through my teeth. “It’s about Ian. He told me he’s bi yesterday.”
“Okay.” Laura clasps her hands together, resting her chin on them. “Is that what has you all knotted up?”
“No. Not exactly.”
“Not exactly?” She tilts her head. “I don’t mean to prod or whatever, but you brought it up—you don’t have a problem with living with him because of that, do you?”
“Absolutely not.” I take another breath. “I’m gay.”
Hoo boy. Saying that faster doesn’t make it any easier.
“Oop.” Laura… I can’t imagine why she’d smile at that, so it’s probably a wince. “Have you told him?”
“No.”
“Anyone else?”
“Yeah,” I reply, not going into details. I don’t know if Laura wants to know I go to therapy, so I don’t bring up Anita.
“Okay. But not Ian. Is there any reason why, or are you not ready?”
I glance off to the side, pursing my lips together. Part of me is desperate to tell Laura; she might have some kind of advice, but again, I don’t want to use her as a dumping ground for my chaos.
“I’m not ready,” I reply simply. “Besides, he might be weirded out or something.”
Laura jerks her head up, making quiet, disbelieving sputters. “Callum, he’s bi. Why would he be weirded out about you being gay?”
Staying silent, I try to think of a good response, but I’m caught off guard when Laura grins.
“Wait.” She blinks her dark brown eyes at me. “You like him.”
My face burns. Am I that obvious about how much I like Ian?
There’s no denying it now, so I nod. Unless my eyes are deceiving me, the corners of Laura’s mouth twitch upward even more.
Wait, is she trying not to laugh at me?
“That’s so cute,” she says. “You’ve gotta be the fastest person to admit something like that.”
“Well, it’s true,” I mutter. “God help me. He’s treating me like Nick, and he doesn’t know that I read way too much into that flirty dynamic.”
“Oh boy, what happened?”
Sucking in a breath to stall for time, I debate telling Laura the full story. Do I fully out myself as a guy who totally misreads social cues and takes advantage of everything he can?
Screw it. “We bumped into each other shirtless this morning, I commented that he has abs like an absolute idiot, he asked me if I wanted a feel, and then I…felt them.”
Laura barks out a chuckle and claps a hand over her mouth. “Oh my god, Callum! You’re a menace.”
“Don’t remind me. Straight guys don’t go around feeling each other’s abs.”
“You’re right. They go around feeling up each other’s dicks. You know straight men act gayer than actual queer men sometimes, right?”
I kind of suspected, based on how I’ve seen some guys around campus act, and what I’ve read online so far.
“Anyway, Ian is Ian,” Laura continues. “Best case, he thinks it’s a funny bro moment. Other best case, he…”
He what? I fiddle with my fingers, hoping it compels Laura to finish her sentence.
“Uh, I shouldn’t say anything else.” She rests her chin in her hands, hiding a growing smirk.
I groan. “Okay, you can’t say that and leave me hanging. I’m dying here.”
“Look, it isn’t my place to speculate or anything, but he does like guys,” Laura says. “It’s not impossible for him to like you back.”
I scoff. Yeah, right.
“Callum. If, for whatever reason, he reacts badly, you can always live with me and Sabrina. But he won’t react badly. Trust me on this.”
“I’ll try. It’s just hard.”
“Okay.” Laura holds up her hand and sighs. “You’re his friend, and he cares a lot about you. He isn’t the kind of guy to throw that away over something like this, because he hates it when people do the same to him.”
“Alright,” I say, still not entirely convinced. “I’ll tell him soon. And yeah, sorry for dumping all this on you.”
“All good, buddy. I don’t mind at all.” Laura is still wearing that amused half-smile, and I try not to read too much into it. “Anyway, speaking of Ian, I haven’t seen him or Nick in ages. Why don’t we all do something tonight?”
“That sounds fun. What were you thinking?”
Laura already has her phone out. “Let’s invade Nick’s place since his roommate is out of town again. Here, I added you to a group chat.”
Laura Pierre
Yo Nick, the four of us are coming over later. Will bring drinks
Sabrina Foster
You tell him what’s up
Nick Russell
ok
Ian Scott
Awesome
Nick Russell
I’m still in bed though so wait an hour before coming over
But don’t wait too long bc I’m gonna get bored
“Is it that easy?” I ask, and Laura snickers.
“Yup. Nick loves being spontaneous like this.” Standing up, she checks her phone. “I know we just got here, but if we’re heading to Nick’s in an hour, we should get ready.”
“Makes sense. This is casual, right? We aren’t heading out anywhere?” I’ll need to change if we’re going somewhere other than Nick’s house.
Laura smiles. “Oh yeah. The Barrel isn’t open yet, but we should all go once it is.”
The Barrel? I make a mental note to ask Ian what that is and why it’s important.
“Anyway, see you at Nick’s,” Laura says.
With that, we part ways, and I head back to Ian’s place. He’s freshly showered when I arrive, and he thrusts a seltzer into my hand as soon as I step through the door.
“You saw the texts, right? We can head out in a bit,” he says.
“I did.” While taking my shoes off, I survey his outfit and note that he’s changed into jeans and a dark sweater, which are what I’m already wearing.
“Are you copying me or something?” I joke.