Scout
Dear Mom,
I never write you letters, and I don’t think I’ll start now, but I had to tell you this: I like Theo. Theo is growing on me.
We never talked about him. I didn’t know who he was until you
Last night, we had a conversation. It was the closest we’ve ever gotten to talking about you.
It’s the closest we’ve ever gotten, period, and I feel awful about it.
I don’t want him to replace you. I don’t want to feel like I’ve given up one parent for the other (if I can even call Theo my parent, because that was always your job).
But he said something that made me feel better. At least for that moment, it did.
He told me that it’ll get easier. That I won’t hurt so much one day.
Do you think it’s wrong for me to not feel this pain? Do you think I should feel it every day? Because if I don’t, then how will you know I still miss you?
If things feel normal again one day, then what?
I know you can’t answer any of these questions. I don’t know if anyone can.
I’m just tired of feeling this all the time.
When I’m at school, I see all the other mom’s pick up their kids and I feel bad that I hate you for leaving them for it. You never had a car to pick me up, but you showed up at school that one time and walked home with me.
Do you remember that, Mom? When we got pizza and went to the park and then you told me about Kyle? You told me you found someone, and that you’d been with him for months and I had no idea.
I was happy for you, really I was, but I was sad it wouldn’t be just us anymore. And that just makes me the worst, doesn’t it? Because you deserved to be happy, too. You deserved to have someone make you happy.
But sometimes I wondered why I wasn’t enough to keep you from being so lonely.
Do you think it’s bad that I wish you would’ve never met Kyle? Would you be mad at me if you knew everything I think of him?
Like I hate him for taking you away
Theo’s growing on me, and it scares me.
I don’t want to lose someone else.
I like his family (I guess they’re my family too?). They’re all really nice. I love like Demi. I guess she’s my grandma.
She reminds me a lot of you, Mom. She’s funny and kind, and sometimes she picks me up from school and we get ice cream behind Theo’s back. He’s not crazy about no sugar anymore. Since we’ve gotten here, he’s loosened up. He’s fun now. I think he might be my friend now.
Not my best friend, though. That spot is still reserved for you.
I thought I’d miss the city more, but I don’t. I think I’m happier in this small town than I was in that city. I just wish you were here for it.
Sometimes I think about you and Theo together, and it makes me laugh. Because you were so different from him. How did you two meet? How did I become me ?
I don’t mean literally. I know how babies are made. But what did you see in him? What did he see in you?
What made you choose each other?
I’m too scared to ask him. I’m scared I won’t like the answer.
I have to go soon. Journal time is almost over, and I have to start class.
I like my English teacher, Brynne. I can call her that because she’s friends with Theo and Trinity and the rest of the family. You’d like her, I think.
Her brother is Mason Hughes. I know you’d freak out if you were here. I might get to meet him, but I promise I won’t do anything weird. Is telling him my dead mom loved him weird?
Okay, I have to stop writing, but I don’t want to. It kind of feels like the end of a phone call I’m not ready to end yet. Will you still be here next time I write? I hope so.
I love you, Mom.