Chapter 14
The smell of warm bananas and bacon seeps through the crack of my bedroom door as I roll over for the millionth time. It’s getting easier to sleep in, but I should get up. The Tinsley carnival is today.
“I need to see what you’re wearing,” Kayla demands as she barges into my room and plops herself at the foot of the bed.
I groan.
“Jasmine, today’s a big day. Get up!” she says louder, slapping my legs.
“Okay, I’m up,” I say, laughing as I kick the covers off.
I’m excited about the carnival too, especially because I know it’s one of Deanna’s favorite days of the year.
It’ll also be the first time I get to hang out with everyone outside of school since the party.
At dinner last night, when my mom asked if I wanted to play the games with her and Travis, Kayla quickly cut in.
“She has friends, Ma,” she insisted. My mom looked back and forth at us and smiled proudly. I’m pretty sure there was a smile on Travis’s face, too.
Kayla giggles. “Umm, promise you won’t show up wearing those,” she says.
I scrunch my face in confusion and drop my eyes to my uniform from the center, crumpled from a good night’s sleep. I don’t know exactly why I’ve still been wearing it. Force of habit, I guess. I fight the urge to pull the covers back up over my body.
“Shut up,” I say, hitting her with my pillow. “It’s comfortable.”
“I’ll help you find something cute,” Kayla insists, walking over to my closet.
She starts rifling through my clothes, pushing hangers and opening drawers. I can handle her energy when I’ve had just a few more minutes to myself, but right now, it’s a lot. I guess this is what it’s like to have a sibling—you love them and want them out of your hair at the same time.
“I promise to look presentable, Mother,” I say.
She comes out of the closet, holding her hands up. “Fine, fine, do it yourself,” Kayla says. “But one day, people are going to pay me millions to pick their outfits! You’re gonna be sad you missed the chance.” She sticks her tongue out at me as she leaves.
I stand in the middle of my closet with determination.
Grabbing denim overalls, a crop top, and a light jacket, I catch a glimpse of my uniform in the mirror.
Kayla was right to laugh. The white initials, GH, have almost completely peeled away from the fabric.
Why do I still have these? What exactly am I hanging on to?
My phone pings just as I head to the bathroom, and I run back to see who it is.
Deanna:
See you at the carnival!:) And I couldn’t sleep so you have lots of stuff in your dm’s lol.
Even though we text throughout the day, making jokes and exchanging running commentary on our lives, I never get tired of seeing her name on my screen when I wake up. She’s the goodnight I always send before I slide my phone under my pillow to go to sleep.
I open IG and look at my messages. I spot Amari’s and open it quickly, thinking about deleting it, when I see that she’s typing.
My heart leaps into my throat and I drop my phone on my bed.
I know I have to say something to her but I’m not sure what, or how.
I promise to figure it out when I get home.
“Breakfast!!” my mom yells from the kitchen. I wait to hear footsteps, expecting the usual thrown-open door. Nothing. I close the bathroom door behind me. Breakfast can wait.
By the time I get downstairs, the only thing left is a napkin-covered heap on the counter. Breakfast, apparently, didn’t wait. The opposite end of the counter is covered with snack packs, and the pantry door is wide open.
My mom pokes her head out. “Nice of you to finally join us,” she says flatly. Past her head, I see Travis and Kayla having what seems to be a heated conversation in the backyard. My mom moves in front of me with a questioning look.
“Oh, I was taking a bubble bath,” I blurt, hoping she’ll let my lateness slide because it was her idea that I start making use of that “tub fit for a family of three.” My mom loves to make demands disguised as suggestions.
Her face softens and she looks down at my overalls. “That’s a cute outfit and I see you’re also finally wearing that necklace I got you,” she says, smiling.
“Yeah, it goes with this top,” I say with a shrug. I move my head to the side a little to see if Travis and Kayla are still arguing. They are. I’ve never actually seen Travis upset, much less with Kayla. I wonder what that’s about.
“They’ll be fine,” my mom says, adding, “it’s not easy raising teenage girls.” She points to a covered plate by the stovetop before going back into the pantry. “That’s for you.”
I’m halfway through my plate when Kayla finally storms through the kitchen behind Travis.
“He’s mad for no reason! She should be able to come if she wants!” she screams, running upstairs.
My mom comes out of the pantry, her eyes wide. Travis leans on the counter with his back to me. Kayla’s door slams so hard that Mom jumps and I drop my fork. My mom looks at me and tilts her head toward the hallway. I get up and follow her into the sunroom.
“Let’s give them some space,” she says, but she goes right back into the kitchen, leaving me behind.
I head to my room, hoping to hear a little of what is going on. I catch something about Kayla’s mom. Is she in town? I wonder why Kayla hasn’t said anything to me.
At the top of the stairs, Kayla’s door is closed, as usual. It’s quiet except for the sound of sobbing. I’m afraid she’ll be upset that I’m intruding, but against my better judgment, I knock.
Kayla opens the door, looking more disappointed than angry. “Yeah?” she asks impatiently. Her mascara has all smudged up under her eyes.
I freeze. I’ve never seen her like this before. I want to say something helpful, but nothing is coming out. I blurt, “Better than the lockup clothes?” and spin around dramatically so she can see the whole look.
After what feels like forever, a slight smile spreads across her face. “Much better,” she says. Then her phone rings and the smile disappears as quickly as it showed up.
I take that as my cue to leave.
“Let’s go find the girls,” Kayla says as we climb out of my mom’s car a few hours later.
The dramatics of the morning have been smoothed over, but the atmosphere was still tense for most of the day. I’m glad to get away from our parents and be on our own.
Mom had to drop us off a few blocks back, so we walk the rest of the way to the middle school parking lot, where the carnival is set up.
As soon as it comes into view, I can see why Deanna loves it so much.
The entire space has been transformed with rides, games, and concession stands.
The smells of popcorn and fried dough waft toward us as we get closer, along with the sounds of quirky carnival music and squealing kids.
I spot a Ferris wheel arching into the sky, a maritime-themed carousel spinning in circles, and those swings that go so high you feel like you’re flying.
I loop my arm through Kayla’s as we enter the grounds.
“I’m excited!” I say, feeling like a kid again.
Kayla beams. “You should be.”
We get to a small blue building near the entrance marked Restroom in white letters.
“Ladieeeesssss,” Kayla calls out loudly, unlinking her arm from mine to run inside. “I knew you’d be in here! Don’t you have mirrors at home?”
I hear the other girls laugh in response.
I lean against the wall and look at the main area.
I’m surprised to see so many people, even though Kayla did say that everyone comes to this.
A few groups of teenagers walk away from the entrance, heading toward the bathrooms. This must be the meeting spot once kids ditch their parents.
A message from Deanna pops up just as I’m about to ask where she is. Ferris wheel.
“I’m going to find Deanna!” I yell into the bathroom, not waiting for a response before I dart off.
The grounds feel enormous. It seems like every inch is covered with rows of game booths and rides.
The “fried everything” vendors are already sweating from the hot oil, and the smells taunt me.
When I get to the line for the Ferris wheel, Deanna waves me over.
She’s wearing a floral crew neck and black jeans, and looks a lot more relaxed out of her uniform.
“Hurry up!” She laughs.
“Don’t we need tickets or something?” I ask, pulling out the fifty dollars my mom gave me.
“It’s already paid for by our school,” she says, and something in her tone tells me she’s surprised I didn’t know that. “We can ride whatever we want.”
“Cool,” I say, putting the money back in my pocket as if this isn’t all completely foreign to me. We didn’t have carnivals in our old neighborhood; there was barely enough space for us as it was. We still found our own ways to have fun—they just didn’t come with prizes.
The line moves quickly, and as we get closer, the Ferris wheel doesn’t look as rickety as I’d imagined. When it’s our turn, we slide onto the plastic bench within the cage.
“Keep your hands inside the car, please,” the attendant says before checking our safety bar and walking away.
The ride jerks us up.
“Are you scared?” Deanna asks, watching me clutch the bar with both hands.
I chuckle. “Not scared, just cautious.”
“Well, at least we’re together, right?” She pats one of my hands lightly.
“Are we … together?” I ask. Something about seeing ourselves rising higher and higher above everything makes me feel brave. Or maybe it’s just her.
“That’s what I said,” she says, laughing.
I smile at Deanna, and then look out over the carnival.
Straining my eyes, I try to see if I can spot anything in Lorial, even though I know it’s not that close.
My middle school principal always claimed that we had the highest steeple for like a hundred miles, but it’s all a sea of green from up here.
“You still with me?” Deanna says, waving her hand in front of my face as our car settles near the top.
I snap out of it. “Yeah, of course. This view though…”
“Yeah, there’s so much to see,” she says, gesturing at the trees.
“There is! My old town is that way, I think.” I point straight ahead.
“Oh, look at you letting go of the bar,” she teases.
I put my hand right back on it. “So, now that we’re together,” I say, “anything you want to tell me or anyone to tell me about?” I turn to face her.
Deanna laughs. “Nothing worth bringing up. There’s that one ex, but that’s a story for another time. We don’t talk at all; he’s an asshole.”
I just nod in case she wants to continue.
“And there was a girl I liked once but she’s not around anymore, so yeah, nothing there either.”
“Okay, cool,” I say.
She laughs. “Don’t sound so excited that you have all my attention.”
I smile. “I definitely am.”
She smiles back. Our eyes linger on each other’s for a beat, and I feel butterflies swirling in my stomach.
When we finally reach the bottom, the attendant comes around and pulls up our bar. We take a moment to get our legs settled on solid ground again.
“Have you ever had fried Oreos?” Deanna says, pointing to a huge sign across the field.
“No, but that sounds just crazy enough to be delicious,” I say.
“They are.” Deanna grabs my hand as we wind our way through the carnival. We pass by a big group waiting for one of the water gun games and I see a flash of light brown curls.
Then I hear a familiar laugh. I do a double take, and there’s an immediate pit in my stomach. It’s Amari. I stop in my tracks. I don’t know what to do. She’s only a few feet behind us and I’m not sure if she saw me.
“Earth to Jasmine?” Deanna snaps her fingers in my face.
“Sorry, I have to pee,” I say. “Meet you at the Oreo stand?”
Deanna nods. “Okay, sure,” she says.
I wait until she’s out of sight before turning to see where Amari went.
The big group is at the same booth and there’s Amari—staring right at me.
I walk quickly away from the game, shooting a glance over my shoulder so she gets the signal to follow.
I move into a gap between two stalls, and a few seconds later, she rounds the corner.
My heart races. She looks so different from how she did in the center. She’s wearing a plain white hoodie and green cargo pants, and her dark hair looks freshly cut just above her shoulders. She’s even cuter in the real world, and I hope that means she’s happier, too.
“Amari, what are you doing here?” I ask.
“You didn’t respond to my message,” she says, shrugging.
“So, you what? Followed me here?”
Amari laughs. “I don’t live that far away, Jasmine. A lot of people from my town come to this and I knew it was a big deal in Tinsley.”
“But you’re here to see me?”
“Partially,” Amari says, smirking. “And partially for the fried Oreos.”
I feel my phone buzz and glance at it.
Deanna:
Hurry up or I’m going to eat all of these myself!
“Someone waiting for you?”
I look up at Amari. I can tell she’s trying to pretend she doesn’t care, but the disappointment in her eyes is giving her away. I shift my weight from one foot to the other as I try to figure out how to respond. This is all so weird.
“I mean, I came with some friends, yeah. New friends,” I say finally.
“You don’t seem happy to see me.”
“I am,” I say, unsure if that’s true. “It’s just, now isn’t a great time to catch up. Let’s meet up another time. Soon.”
“Pinky promise?” Amari says, holding out her little finger.
I nod and quickly tap mine to hers, afraid she won’t let go if I lock them. “Pinky promise.”
“All right,” she says. “And don’t worry, I won’t cramp your style with your cool new friends.”
I shoot her a look, but it just makes her laugh harder.
As she turns the corner, I speed-walk to the fried Oreos.
I don’t know how much time has passed, but it feels like way too much.
When I get to her, Deanna is grabbing a container from the person behind the stand. I slow myself to a normal walk.
“You okay?” she asks when she sees me.
I’m not. “Yeah,” I lie, wiping sweat from my forehead with the back of my hand.
She blows on an Oreo and holds it up to me. The smell of oil and sugar snaps me back to the carnival, and to Deanna. I eat the whole cookie as she watches, waiting for my reaction.
“I mean,” I say, purposely trying to confuse her, “… I could eat a million of these.”
She slaps my arm for making her wait. “I guess we’re buying the stand, then!” She stuffs an Oreo in her mouth.
I try to push the swirling thoughts and questions out of my head. Deanna doesn’t seem to notice anything off and I don’t want to ruin our day by calling her attention to it. I just told her there was nothing to worry about, and now this.
“Oh, the girls!” she shrieks and points at the group, who are waving at us and yelling something.
I take a deep breath and wave back at these girls who represent the carefree future I could have ahead of me, if I can only let go of the past. But what if the past can’t let go of me?
I shake the thought off and remind myself what matters now: this.
Deanna grabs my hand and smiles. “Ready for more?”
I nod and let her lead me away.