Chapter Twenty-Five #3
But all of that can wait.
Sejin—my Sejin—is hurting and I’m being a dick who doesn’t get why he’s so upset. I can just imagine Rye’s disappointed face right now. He’d rip into me. I probably deserve it.
Sejin turns away and paces to the window. He gazes out and I wonder what he sees. There’s only a patch of dark sky from where I’m positioned in the bed. I shift and hiss at the jolt of agony up my leg and into my hip. Settling back, I stare at him outlined in the light from outside.
He’s beautiful. I love him. I know in my soul that I could go the rest of my life being only with him and never be sad about it.
And, yeah, if I had to wait for hours to know that he was safe, that he was still going to be in my arms, I’d lose my mind.
It’d hurt almost as much as this leg does. More. It would be absolute hell.
“I’m sorry, Doc. I never wanted you to worry about me.”
“Is that why you left without telling me where you were going?”
“I don’t remember that, but it sounds like something I’d do.” I shift again and groan.
Sejin wipes at his cheeks with the palms of his hands and then turns to me. “Never mind. None of that matters now. You’re hurting. Look, this button here lets you give yourself another dose of the pain meds.”
I frown. I don’t want to be weak. I can handle it.
As if he can read my mind, Sejin says, “The nurse told me it’s best if you press it when you first think you might need some. It’s better than chasing the pain.”
“I don’t want to get dependent.”
“You won’t. Right now, you need to rest and heal up. This is all going to take a lot of energy.”
Sejin sits beside me again and takes hold of my hand. “It’s a good thing you’re a stubborn asshole, huh? I think you’re gonna need all that determination to get through this and get back up on a wall.”
“I hate resting,” I say.
“I know.”
“I feel like I should already be doing something.”
“You should already be punching that button.”
“Passing out again won’t fix anything. I should be doing something real to get better. Right now.”
“You can’t get better ‘right now’, so…” Sejin indicates the button again. I do press it and within moments I feel warm all over, like a wave of magic contentment is released in my veins.
“I want to make this up to you,” I say, as I start to drift a little. “I want to prove to you that I’m a safe bet.”
“Oh, Danny, you’ve never been a safe bet. I’ve always known that.” Sejin leans forward to kiss my forehead.
“Fine, then I want to prove to myself that I can have both you and climbing.”
“You’ve got me. Now rest.”
I should be satisfied with that, but I’m not quite.
I can’t put my finger on what I want from him or from myself right now.
Probably because I’m drugged and in pain.
I run my tongue over my jagged teeth. “Dental work is expensive,” I say, noting the slight lisp and realizing that it’s probably from the chipped teeth as much as from the swelling. I’m surprised they don’t hurt.
“We’ll figure it out.”
“Hmm. I could just stay snaggle-toothed. Would you still love me?”
“Danny, sleep.”
“Will you be here when I wake up?”
“If you want me to be.”
I think of what I heard the nurse say. “You’d be more comfortable in a bed.”
“My bed is two hours away.”
“Get a motel,” I say as the tugging wave of sleepiness hits me, almost too strong to resist. “Don’t be miserable here with some crappy hospital blanket. You need rest too.”
Sejin doesn’t answer.
I struggle to keep my eyes open.
“Sleep, Danny.”
“You really want me to sleep?”
“I think you need it,” Sejin murmurs.
I stroke my thumb over the back of his hand. “Alright. Play some music for me? To help me drift off?” I don’t really need it. I’m on the verge as it is, but I don’t want to leave consciousness and Sejin just yet.
“On my phone?”
I nod.
Sejin pulls away long enough to bring up his playlists. “Which one?” he asks.
“Our song,” I murmur.
“Which one is that?”
I’m half asleep or else I’d be offended. The heaviness of the drug blankets me. “You know the one. Ringtone. Pothole. Astro.”
The piano intro begins, and I stop fighting the drag of the medicine. Sejin’s hand finds mine again, and I whisper, “I saw your smile.”
“Hmm?”
“I love when you smile. All your smiles. This song, your smile, the best smile.”
He chuckles. “You’re so high.”
“Doc?”
“Mm?”
“Wanna get married?”
Sejin’s hand clenches in mine. “Sleep and we’ll talk about it when you wake up. If you even remember this. Which I’m betting you won’t.”
“I bet I will.”
“Ornery.”
“Sejin, you sleep too, alright? Not here.” I struggle to get that out. The chorus of the song is my favorite part, and I squeeze his hand. “Promise.”
“We’ll see.”
The soft patter of the rap verse begins, and I suddenly need to make Sejin understand. “Hey.”
“Stop talking,” he says gently.
“I need to tell you.”
“What’s that?”
I search my mind, but whatever it was I’d needed to say has fled, and I’m left with only one important concept he needs to really understand: “I love you, Doc.”
I feel him lift my hand and kiss my fingers. I fall away into a darkness that’s soothing and warm, like being inside Sejin’s body, like holding him while we sleep. If the darkness held his smile too, I might never want to come back out.
But only Sejin can give me that.
So, I know I’ll wake up.