Chapter Twenty-Nine #2
The sun is starting to set. I rub my hands up and down my arms and watch as the pinks and oranges deepen against the mountains. The breeze is cool, and it brings goosebumps up on my skin. The scent of woodsmoke hangs in the air from a distant, unseen neighbor.
Dan’s van is parked by the side of the house where Rye and Lowell left it last night after locating the spare key. I think about the first time I stepped into the van and into the embrace of the man I found waiting for me there. The ripple of fear and anxiety at the risk I was taking back then.
I think of the man waiting for me inside the house. They’re the same, but this man is so much more mine now—and so much scarier to me in so very many ways. I almost lost him. I could still lose him if he decides he’s serious about trying to free solo Heart Route again… and I know he’s serious.
I turn to go back in, but my phone vibrates in my pocket. It’s my dad, and I answer, surprised by his call.
“Sejin?” he asks as soon as I’ve said hello, and I realize I don’t sound like myself. My voice is still raw from worry and quiet from the exhaustion of the last few days and what lies ahead.
“Dad, I’m glad you called.”
“How’s your boy?”
I smile at his phrasing. “He’s got a lot of healing to do, but he’s going to be all right.”
“I saw all about him on the news.”
“Oh.” I clear my throat. I’d hoped to explain Dan to my dad in my own way. I didn’t quite know when, but…eventually. I hadn’t wanted him to learn about Dan from the media. Leenie was right. I should have called him days ago.
“So…” He chuckles. “Is he an idiot or what?”
“A little bit, yeah,” I say, and I’m surprised that I laugh too. It’s not funny, but it’s also completely hilariously true. I’m in love with an idiot, and there’s no cure for that, I don’t think.
“Did he learn his lesson at least?” Dad asks.
“I don’t think so, no,” I murmur, watching as two crows loop around and around a high tree toward the eastern side of the property. I wonder if they’re scavenging carrion or treasure hunting.
“Ah, he’s that kind of idiot then.”
“The incurable kind,” I say. “I’ve been meaning to tell you about him, and his plans to climb El Cap without ropes—it’s called free soloing when a climber does that.
But it’s been hard to explain him to people.
Leenie doesn’t understand. Martin either.
I admit I don’t myself, but I know it’s important to him and—” I break off and rub at my face again.
“And he tried it, and he failed.”
“Yeah.”
Dad clucks lightly. “He’ll try again, you think?”
“Absolutely.”
“What are you going to do about it?” Dad asks.
“Nothing. I can’t stop him.”
“Would you if you could?”
I consider. “I don’t know anymore. Even before the accident, I wavered on whether I wanted him to give up his goal, or if I supported him because it’s who he is.
But immediately after the accident, there was nothing I wanted more than for him to be all right, and for him to swear he was done with all this.
Right now? I don’t know. It’s hard to explain, Dad. ”
“It’d be like taking the laughter out of your mama’s voice, wouldn’t it? That daring is part of him. Baked in.”
I squeeze my eyes shut against the glare of the waning light, surprised beyond belief that my father understands this more than almost anyone else I know. “I love him,” I say, softly. “With my whole heart.”
“I’m glad. Real glad.”
“Are you?” He’d seemed unfazed back when I’d come out to him and my mom, but having a queer son in West Virginia couldn’t have been easy for him. I know some of his old friends dropped him afterward for being so accepting of me.
“I just want you to be loved, and if this boy loves you—”
“He does.”
“Then I’m real glad. But I can’t be tellin’ you I’m not worried for you too. Losing the one you love is hard stuff. But if part of who he is includes this kind of dare-devilry, then I reckon you’d lose him all the same if you ask him to stop.”
“I would,” I say. “I think he’d leave me.”
“And if he didn’t leave, he’d still never be the same.”
It’d be like taking the laughter from Mom’s voice…yes. He’d be someone I don’t even know anymore. He’d be a Dan-shaped man, but not Dan , the person I love.
“It’s stupid that I can’t just tease this one thing out and have him otherwise be exactly the same.”
“Can’t take the vanilla out of the chocolate chip cookie recipe and claim it’s still good.”
I chuckle. “No.”
“What can I do to help?”
“I don’t know.” I rub a hand over my eyes. “Well, I do know of one thing, actually, but I don’t know if you can manage it.”
“Name it. I’ll try.”
“We’re short on cash, Dad. Real short. Dan’s going to have a lot of expenses coming up, physical therapy and medical bills, that sort of thing.
We’ll have to make a plan to deal with that, and I don’t even know where to start.
But right now, we’re already living tight.
I’m housesitting here, so at least we don’t have to pay any kind of rent for a spell, but…
” I groan. “With the cost of gas, and groceries, and everything else, I don’t know how we’re gonna get by. ”
“You got Venmo?”
I blink. “ You have Venmo?”
“Nevaeh set me up with it last time she came around. I’ll send you what I was going to spend on the airline tickets out for Thanksgiving. Based on what you’ve told me about his injuries, I don’t think you’re gonna be in a good place for a visit until at least Christmas.”
“Dad…”
“Don’t say thank you. I’m your dad. This is my job.”
“But still—”
“No. I won’t hear it. Now what’s your Venmo handle? Is that the right term for it? Or is it address?”
I give him my handle, and we say goodbye.
By the time I’ve stepped back into the house, my phone dings with an alert, and I check it.
He’s sent $3,000, which is way more than tickets from Charleston to Fresno.
It’s enough to get us through the next month or so while I figure out what all we’ll need to do for Dan.
My throat feels tight, but I pocket my phone again and shake out my hands. Taking deep breaths, I give myself a pep talk: I can do this. I can take care of Dan, and hold down two jobs, and coordinate his care, and…
I’m so in over my head.
But when I think of that moment in the meadow when I thought he was gone, I know he’s worth it.
I go back into the house but pause outside the bedroom doorway. Dan’s talking to someone and, based on what he’s saying, it can only be Peggy Jo.
“Don’t cry,” he says gently. “Sejin’s done enough of that for all of us.” A pause. “I am being good to him! What do you even mean by that?” He sighs. “I don’t remember it. Not a single thing. I have no idea what went wrong.”
I put my back against the wall and slide down. Eavesdropping might be rude, but sometimes it’s the only way to find out what Dan’s really thinking. He can be so obtuse with me when he wants to avoid a topic. Peggy Jo, though, will force it out of him.
“It makes me leery of going up again if I can’t even determine what made me fall.” He laughs sharply. “No, that doesn’t mean I won’t do it. You know me better than that.”
I close my eyes. Each time he says he’s going up again, it’s like I might pass out.
I wipe a hand over my face. I’m so tired, like I haven’t slept in days. The motel was fine, but after the first night I kept waking from nightmares and each time I was momentarily convinced that Dan was dead, that his survival was the dream, and I was going to have to face a future without him.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly. “I don’t like it when you cry.” He growls a little. “I hate it when he cries too. See? This is why letting people love you is a bad idea. When you hurt them, it hurts you too.”
I roll my eyes. Sometimes he’s so selfish. I wish I knew why I can’t hate him or even stay angry with him. I guess because this is who he is, and this is what I signed up for from the start. He’s never lied to me about his plans. He’s never wavered even a little.
“Well, if that’s what love is, then it’s dumb. I’d rather not feel this way about either of you, but I do and I have to live with it. Or die with it.” He chuckles. “Was that too soon? Don’t be mad!”
He groans. “Fuck, my leg hurts. It hurts so bad my other injuries don’t even register. Like I keep forgetting my knuckles are busted until I do something that makes them sting, but my leg? I never forget it.”
I let out a slow breath, stroking Julio, who’s come over to investigate why I’m on the floor.
“Yes, I’ll let it be a lesson. I’ll be even more careful in the future. I know, and I love you too. I wasn’t lying in those humiliating texts.”
I smile, scratching behind Julio’s ears. I didn’t think he was lying in his drugged-up texts to me either, which means he really believes all those over-the-top things. Maybe he even wants to marry me.
I let myself imagine what that might be like—a wedding to Dan McBride.
He’d probably want to do it on top of El Cap, and he’d free solo the Free Rider route, climb over the lip, and then meet me at the end of an aisle of chairs set up just for the ceremony.
I almost laugh at that vision because, honestly, it’s something he’d do.
And I don’t hate it. Even though I should.
Even though it should scare me to pieces now after what we’ve both been through.
But I love Dan , and if he wanted to get married in a snug little church, and get a good job, and adopt a passel of kids and kittens, he just wouldn’t be him . I can’t imagine a wedding to Dan that’s typical in any way. I figure some aspect of it will have to be terrifying.
But that’s life with Dan, isn’t it? Terrifying as hell.
“Alright. Yeah. I love you too. That’s the last time I’m saying it, though, so I hope you listened.”
I shake my head.
“Yeah, it’s late there, I know. Goodnight. Yeah. Bye.”
I wait a few seconds and then I rise, coming around the doorway and into the room. The bedroom is lit with a few lamps. Julio follows me in and leaps onto the sickbed, but he doesn’t do more than twitch his nose at Dan’s cast before flopping down bonelessly about a foot and a half away from him.
Dan doesn’t meet my eyes. He’s staring at the phone in his hands, and he looks lost. The bruises, stitches, and chipped teeth don’t help.
“Alright,” I say, as if I’m not a little lost myself. “Let’s get you ready for bed.”
“Thanks, Doc. I’d like that.”
Dan’s voice is that of a scared little kid. My heart tugs, and I want to keep him safe forever. So, I take charge for now.