Chapter Thirty-Two
Sejin
“S o, the GoFundMe has nearly six thousand dollars raised,” Rye tells me, as we sit outside of Papa Bear at a table in the now-empty children’s area. The cold weather has come in, leaving it mostly abandoned by the families until spring rolls around again.
Rye and I are huddled over our hot coffees, determined to escape the crush of bodies in the shop proper. Everyone wants their warm drinks inside during this drizzly, miserable weather, but the crowd is making me claustrophobic in there.
“That’s amazing,” I say. “How’d you convince people to contribute?”
Rye smiles. “I have a charming personality and people like me.”
“Unlike Dan.”
He gives me a high five. “Exactly.” Taking a sip of his drink, he adds, “The climbing community is good people, though.”
I shrug. “They had no love for Dan before he fell.”
“True. But there were reasons for that.”
“I know.”
“Sejin, you know no one wanted to see him fall, right?”
“Sure, they did.”
He sighs. “Well, okay, some of them did. He was arrogant, and they were thrilled by his daring, but also angry about it. Surely you can relate to that feeling, especially when it comes to Dan.”
I shrug. Of course I can. But I hate the way those people had been so gleeful about the chances of him falling, and now so right about it. Somehow that makes it worse.
Rye goes on, “But now that he’s had his comeuppance, his so-called ‘Come to Jesus’ moment, they think he’s been humbled.”
“So now they want to help. I get it. It’s a little like rubbing his face in it, though, isn’t it?”
“Sejin…”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be a dick. They’re being generous when he’s scorned their company for his entire climbing career.”
“That they are, and that he has.”
Rye taps my cup with his, and we drink to it. Though whether we’re drinking to the six thousand raised or Dan’s dickishness to the climbing community at large, I’m not sure.
“How’s it going with Lowell?” I ask after a few minutes of peaceful silence watching the misting rain. “Y’all still in the honeymoon phase over at his place?”
Rye smiles, his eyelashes fluttering down against his cheek, and it’s sweet. I remember feeling like that about Dan not too long ago. Sometimes I still feel that way about him, but lately being with Dan is a lot of obligation and a lot less joy.
I’m sure it’ll come roaring back once we’re past all this. Or maybe our love will be more even-keeled, tempered, and time-tested, less rushing, champagne-in-our-veins. Who knows?
I miss it.
“It’s good,” Rye says. “He’s great. I’m the first guy he’s ever been with, so he’s had to deal with some internalized crap over that.
But otherwise…yeah. I’d forgotten I could feel this way.
I’d thought I never would again. When things ended with Jeanie’s dad, you know, once I came out to him…
” He shrugs. “Whatever. I don’t want to get into that.
The thing is Lowell’s fantastic. And he’s great in bed. ”
“Always a bonus.”
“What about you and Dan? How’s it going, really? When I’ve come over to help out while you’re gone, he’s seemed very…” Rye frowns. “Not himself.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “This injury is doing a number on his head.”
The sky spits more wet on us, and I feel the dampness creeping into my collar and settling into my long hair. It’ll be wet for hours. “I’m not sure if he even knows who he is without climbing.”
“I imagine he doesn’t.”
“I finally got him watching a TV show that he doesn’t complain about. It’s a KDrama of all things. I’m stressing out because there are only eight more episodes left, and he’ll blow through those today probably. Then we’ll be back at square one—what to do with all those hours?”
“Another KDrama, maybe?”
“I feel like that’d be catching lightning in a bottle twice.”
“It’s not your responsibility, you know. It’s up to him to figure out what to do with himself.”
“I know.”
Rye pats my forearm. “It’ll be better when he can get up and move around on one of those little zoomy things at least.”
“Yeah.”
Another few minutes pass without us saying much. It’s comfortable with Rye, and I get why Dan enjoys climbing with him. Eventually, though, Rye does break the silence. “He wanted me to bring weights in from the van for him.”
I roll my eyes. “He’s been bugging me about that too.”
“So I was right, and you’re not letting him use them?”
“The doctor said not to use them, not me. He said anything of weight that could be dropped on the leg was a no-go at this stage. Dan’s impatient. He wants to rush things that can’t be rushed.”
“It’s interesting, isn’t it? On the wall, he never rushes. He’s meticulous.”
“Like I said, this injury is messing with him at a fundamental level.”
We sat in silence again, the dampness making me cold enough to shiver. “What was Jeanie’s costume for Halloween?” I ask after taking the last sip of my coffee and getting up to throw away the cup.
“Vampire.”
“Cool.”
Rye smiles. “I’ll text you some pics. I was surprised Andrew sent me any of her at all.”
“I’m glad he did.”
“Me too.”
“Jeremiah went as a Paw Patrol character and Sarah Kate went as a pumpkin,” I tell him.
Rye tilts his head. “Do you miss living with them?”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
“I miss living with Jeanie a hell of a lot.”
“I thought this living arrangement with Lowell was going to make seeing her a little easier?”
“I’d hoped so too, but…” Rye shrugs, obviously trying to look less upset about this than he is.
“Andrew says he doesn’t trust Lowell since he doesn’t know him at all, and he won’t agree to let Jeanie stay overnight with me in his home so long as he’s present.
” Rye frowns. “The thing is, I can’t blame him, really.
He doesn’t trust me or my judgment anymore, fair or not, and he’s just trying to keep Jeanie safe. ”
“You’d never put Jeanie at risk.”
He sighs. “I know that, and you know that, but…he’s not wrong to be concerned.”
“I know Lowell too, and he’s no danger.”
“Not when he’s in his right mind,” Rye murmurs, gazing into the distance.
“But when he’s not… It’s not that he’d ever do or say anything purposely traumatizing to Jeanie, but his PTSD episodes can be overwhelming.
She’s too young to understand what’s happening.
Not that Andrew even knows about any of that. ”
I don’t know what to say, so I just squeeze Rye’s hand, and he pulls it away from me.
“But, hey, the sex is great.”
I laugh, feeling how hard he’s trying to break the tension. “I can tell.”
He checks his watch. “Oops. I need to get going.” Standing up and brushing the back of his pants, Rye asks, “What’s the plan for when Peggy Jo returns?”
“I don’t know.”
We start toward the cars, where we’ll head our separate ways.
Lowell’s with Dan now, and I should go relieve him so he can play whatever games Rye has in store for him tonight.
The looks that pass between them when they’re in the same room are hot as fire lately, and I’m envious.
It wasn’t that long ago I was getting fucked stupid on the regular too.
It’ll be months before I can even hope to get some dick, probably.
“She’ll be back eventually, though, right? She’s not moving to her daughter’s permanently?”
“No, she’ll be back. Hopefully Dan’s leg will be healed enough that we can transfer to the van.”
“What’s the timeline for all that?”
I shrug helplessly. “I feel like we’re living in a purgatory called Wait and See.
Peggy Jo isn’t sure when she’s going to want to leave Bella and the baby, and Dan’s leg is going to heal at its own rate, no matter how he tries to use the powers of his mind to make it go faster.
I still haven’t seen the first of the hospital bills.
I’m terrified each time I get the mail from his P.O.
box. I just want it all over with, so I know how it turns out. ”
“It sounds like you’re as impatient as he is.”
I laugh as we approach my car, using the key fob to unlock the door. “I guess I am. There’s a lot I miss about life before the accident.”
“What do you miss most?”
“Right now? If I’m honest, the sex.”
Rye throws his head back and laughs.
“Seriously,” I say. “I mean, I can wait, but before this accident I was getting railed into next week nearly every day, and I miss it.”
Rye snorts. “Getting railed into next week seems unlikely for a while.”
“Yeah,” I say wistfully. “But I also miss not feeling so stuck. Each day with Dan was an adventure. We were still getting to know each other, and everything felt so new and sweet. I miss feeling like there’s every possibility that we’re going to have one of the best days of our lives every time I wake up with him. ”
“I’m sorry. This really sucks.”
I pull a ponytail holder out of my pocket and put my wet hair up, the misty rain drifting across my face.
“I’m sleeping on the sofa, working two jobs, taking care of him, cleaning the house, caring for the cats, and it’s starting to get to me.
Don’t tell him, though. I don’t want him to think I’m going to leave him.
He’s got abandonment issues, you know. From foster care. ”
“What we talk about stays between us, like what I told you earlier about Andrew and Lowell,” Rye says firmly. “We’re friends now too.”
“Thank you.” I open the car door, reach inside for an umbrella, and pop it open.
It’s fairly useless in this kind of rain, but I’m getting soaked through.
“I appreciate all you’re doing for him. For us .
I really am grateful for all the help you and Lowell give during the day.
I know you two were probably going to train for the Dawn Wall more seriously than you have been, and I hope Dan’s not getting in the way. ”