Chapter Thirty-Five #2
But if anyone can be even more motivated by more challenges placed in front of an already-challenging idea, it’s Dan.
“What’s his plan?”
I lay it out enthusiastically, overcompensating for Leenie’s face, which leaks all of her doubts. Martin listens with interest, nodding and murmuring encouragement like “cool” and “that’s not a bad idea.”
Leenie says nothing, and when I’m done, she simply sighs, stands up, and says, “I’m behind you, Sejin. Whatever you need, whatever happens, I’ll always support you. Dan…well, he’s on his own as far as I’m concerned.”
Then she goes to join the kids in front of the television.
To say I’m hurt is an understatement, and it must show on my face because Martin squeezes my hand. “Don’t listen to her. She’s just repeating all the stuff her mom says to her.”
“About you?” I can’t imagine anyone saying Martin’s not a hard worker.
“No, about her .”
“Leenie’s mom says that stuff?” My mom would never have said anything like that to me, and I’ve always been much more adrift in life than Leenie.
“Yup. She’s not sure why Leenie’s not looking for work instead of staying home with the kids when we can’t afford this, and we can’t afford that.
Never mind that childcare would eat up all she’d earn at any job she’s qualified for, and the kids would be with strangers all day…
” He shrugs. “We all learn from our folks and project that onto others, don’t we? So don’t let it rest on your heart.”
I’m not sure how to do that, actually, but I nod and squeeze his hand in return.
He releases me, we finish up the pie, and then I rise from my chair.
I need to get back to Dan, and I feel like I’ve overstayed my welcome with Leenie.
Even if Jeremiah does break away from his precious Paw Patrol to cling to me and beg me to come back soon, I know it’s time to go.
Sarah Kate can’t be bothered to express her feelings on my leaving, if she has any. She’s way too absorbed in the show.
Leenie gets up and gives me a hug too, and we both act like we’re not mad at each other. I head out to my car still parked in their drive where I’d left it this morning when I’d come to join Martin.
I knew back when I started up with Dan that I’d have to live with all my doubts and uncertainty about who he is and what he chooses to do with his life, but I hadn’t realized I’d also have to deal with other people’s feelings about it. Which I now recognize was shortsighted of me.
Other people always have opinions, and because they’re human, they’re going to express them.
I just wish it didn’t bother me so much when they did.
*
Dan
When the doorbell rings, Lowell moves Muggs off his lap to go answer. I’m not all that surprised to hear Rye’s voice, since he’s wherever Lowell is more often than not these days, but I am surprised to hear little Jeanie’s enthusiastic greeting.
I quickly save my work in case little hands make a big mess and prepare myself for the upcoming embrace.
Kids don’t get boundaries, though Rye is teaching Jeanie about them, but I don’t want them to apply to me anyway.
Even though I’m always a little unnerved with how easily Jeanie bestows hugs on me—because somewhere inside, I’m never sure I actually deserve them—I love getting them.
“Dan!” she exclaims, running over as Rye and Lowell come back into view after whatever little greeting transpired between them in the entryway.
I have to say I’m not a fan of how cute they are together, mainly because the more in love they are, the more I think I’m never gonna get Rye back as my climbing partner. But I guess it’s good they’re happy. They’ve both been needing someone good in their lives for a long time.
“Little Jeanie,” I answer, letting her bound onto the sofa next to me since she chooses the opposite side from my wounded leg. I wrap one arm around her as she hugs me.
I happen to know that song is where her name came from.
Rye confided it to me once during a climb, saying that most folks assume Jeanie is named for a grandparent or something, but she’s not.
She’s named after the Elton John song because it was his and his ex’s first dance at their wedding.
“It was a retro choice back then too,” Rye had confessed.
“But Andrew and I were into the whole ‘retro aesthetic’ at the time.” Whatever that means.
So, I use it sometimes when addressing Jeanie, and it’s our thing now since I’m the only one who calls her that.
“Sejin got thrown up on at school,” she announces, taking my cheeks in her hands and gazing into my eyes solemnly.
“Again?” I ask, dread pooling in my stomach at the thought of what Sejin might do to his hair this time—until I remember he didn’t go to Tater Tots this morning, so she must be talking about when it happened before.
“Byron did it. He threw up on Sejin, and then Sejin threw up on the floor.” Her breath comes faster. She’s obviously excited by this story. “So gross, Dan.”
“I heard about that,” I reply.
“And Sejin cut his hair,” she informs me.
“I know.”
“Sejin lives with Dan, honey, remember?” Rye says, taking hold of Lowell’s hand and cuddling up to him. The size difference is something to behold, and Rye fits against Lowell’s body almost like a doll.
“Where is he then?” Jeanie demands, like Rye is lying.
“Probably at work.”
“Papa Bear?”
I shake my head. “He worked with his cousin today doing plumbing.”
“What’s plumbing?” she asks.
“Fixing toilets, faucets, sinks.”
She tilts her head, fascinated. “Sejin fixes toilets?”
“It’s a job,” I say.
“Huh.” She ponders this. “Mommy, can I have a snack now?” She climbs down from the sofa and goes into the kitchen.
“Remember, Jeanie, I’d like you to call me Papa.”
Jeanie peeks back around from where the counter has blocked her from view and considers Rye for a second. “Okay, Papa. I forgot.”
“It’s not a big deal. We can keep working on it.”
Jeanie turns back to the kitchen, and she exclaims, “Oh! It’s my card!”
I see the refrigerator door open, though I can’t see her head over the counter between us.
“Oh, Lord,” Rye says, moving away from Lowell and heading toward the kitchen. “Jeanie, we don’t open other people’s refrigerators or cabinets. It’s rude.”
“She can have microwave popcorn if she wants,” I say, motioning toward the correct cupboard, though it takes Rye three tries to open the right one.
“Look, Papa. It’s the card I made for Dan. Do you like it, Dan?” Jeanie calls out.
“I love it.”
Rye stands in front of the fridge door, hands on hips, gazing at the glittery card. “‘Help,’” he reads aloud and snorts.
“Yep. But I won’t need any help next time. I’ll either make it or die.”
“Asshole.”
Jeanie huffs. “Daddy says that’s a bad word.”
“Your dad can…” Rye clears his throat. “Your dad is right, and I’m sorry.”
Jeanie and Rye linger in the kitchen, talking about her day at preschool and whether cats turn into ghosts when they die.
Obviously not, I think, because they’re demons, and they go straight to hell. Except not these three. It turns out they’re only half-demons. So, they’ll go halfway to heaven.
Lowell sits back down beside me, and I can practically feel him fighting the urge to turn around and look at Rye again.
“Did you ever see yourself being with a guy who has a kid?” I ask.
“I never saw myself with a guy ,” he says quietly, so Rye and Jeanie don’t hear. “A kid, though…” He shrugs. “There was a time. Yeah.”
“It’s all good?”
“Mostly.”
I narrow my eyes. He better not be about to break Rye’s heart.
Reading me, Lowell shakes his head. “No, it’s nothing like that.”
“Oh.” I make another guess. “Is it his ex? Causing trouble?”
“Yeah.” His jaw clenches. “Let’s just say my ex is a lot less difficult to deal with. Nina left and didn’t look back. As much as that hurt, right about now, I see the benefit of it. Good thing we never had any kids, I guess.”
I wonder whether things with me and Sejin would have gone as far as they have if he’d had a kid to raise. I’m not sure. I like children, when they’re Jeanie’s age at least, but I don’t want any of my own. I wonder if Sejin does? I should probably ask.
“It wasn’t for lack of trying, though,” Lowell says. “It just never took.”
“Ah.” What’s to be said about that?
“When we divorced, I was grateful there weren’t any kids to deal with. Now I’m in a situation where I’ve got a guy I care about, his kid, and his ex in my life. It’s…not what I’d imagined for my forties.”
“I bet not.”
“Andrew is a real asshole.”
“Yeah.” I’ve heard, but again, what’s to say or do about it? So long as Rye has Jeanie, then Rye’s ex is going to be around.
“Rye’s tough, though. He doesn’t even flinch at all the shit that man says to him.”
“Rye’s strong.”
“The strongest,” Lowell agrees.
“Is it all that different for you? Being with a guy instead of a woman?” I know what it’s like for me, but I also know I’m an anomaly of a bisexual.
Lowell’s eyes go soft, and he smiles, his cheeks growing red. I’ve never seen him blush. That’s an astounding reaction if ever I’ve seen one. “It’s different, yeah, but he’s what I need.”
I get that.
The corn is done popping, and Rye escorts a re-bundled-up Jeanie out to the back patio to eat it in the cold, trailed by Julio who loves the stuff. Giving her his phone with a children’s app open to play with, Rye leaves her out there with the cat, since we can all see her through the wide windows.
When Sejin comes in from work twenty minutes later, I’ve just finished telling Rye all my plans and showing him the notes I’ve taken and the accounts Lowell and I have set up on the platforms I’ve chosen.
Rye seems mildly enthusiastic—happy I’m doing something, but reserved about whether he thinks it’ll be a success. He had the good idea of linking to the GoFundMe he set up for my benefit in the profile of the various apps.
“Ah, it’s a full house,” Sejin says as he crosses around to give me a kiss, and greet Rye and Lowell with hugs.
Jeanie sees him through the window, abandons what’s left of her popcorn, and comes back inside with Julio and a cheerful little dance, hampered by the bulkiness of her puffer coat.
I recognize it as one Sejin does while listening to music.
I think it’s choreography by a KPop girl group… maybe Red Velvet?
Sejin pats her head and praises her dancing. She clings to his leg, and he rubs at her back before turning to the adults in the room. “What’s the party for?”
“Your man is telling us about his big plans to become a social media influencer,” Rye says with a chuckle.
“That’s not the plan.” I wave Rye’s words away. “The plan is to get people to like me and give me money.”
“I’m not saying it can’t work,” Rye clarifies. “I’m impressed with your determination. It definitely can’t hurt to try.”
I want to show Sejin what I’ve done too, but I decide to do it when we’re alone so he can be more honest. I close up all my stuff and pat the seat beside me.
Rye and Lowell cozy up on the other side of the sectional, and Jeanie asks if we want to see her dance some more. We all agree, so Sejin queues up some songs to play from his phone, sending them to the Bluetooth speaker near the TV.
Jeanie dances. Sejin sings. Lowell and Rye cuddle.
And I feel like I can breathe for the first time in weeks.
Because I have a plan, and it’s a good one.