Chapter 10 #2
Attempting to show him as much, I pushed myself into him. Forcing him to swallow me whole, to take what I had, to handle me.
And he did. His hands found my hips, the rough pads of his fingers skirting up and under the shirt onto my sensitive skin there.
Finally releasing him, I stared down at Julian.
At the handsome man he had become, the one who had pierced his face to deal with his pain, who had killed to survive, who had witnessed the darkest depths of the world and carried on, who had been drugged repeatedly until he couldn’t allow himself to feel.
In some ways, it was as if I was staring into a mirror. But then it cracked. And all that was left behind was a young man. The one, all those years ago, who pinkie promised he would keep me safe. That he would keep Sparrow safe.
My heart broke all over for him. And I understood in that instance an unreproachable fact.
“I always loved you, too. Too much.” There was shame in the words, but I buried it.
I didn’t examine it too closely. “I just didn’t think I should.
I pushed it down. Focused my energy on Jayce.
But my heart always beat differently for you.
” And it had. It was why he was the first to know about Sparrow.
Why I had trusted him with her life and my own.
Why it was so easy to believe him, even with the knowledge he had been the Host.
Why I had done my best to not think about what happened to him.
If I didn’t examine it too closely, I could pretend he had escaped Violencia and was living a happier existence.
The irony was not lost on me.
Julian stared up at me, his pitch-black pools were no longer foggy. Even in the darkness of this room there was an unmistakable glint, lit up by the moon’s glow. A warmth that filled up all the empty space between us.
“But you recognize that my life is altered now, don’t you? That I can’t promise you a singular spot by my side.” I needed confirmation, for him to understand what he was getting into. That my heart had shattered over the years and each man was claiming a singular broken piece.
Julian’s teeth were bright as he bared them in the replication of a smile.
“Raven. this is the happiest I have been in…possibly my entire life.” His voice turned husky, thick.
“I grew up alone. An orphan with no family. All I have ever wanted, all I have ever dreamed of, was to be loved. I just wanted someone—anyone—to love me. And then that someone warped and changed into you. All I desired was to earn a space by your side. Even as just your friend. You were the first joy I ever had in that Facility, and I would have done anything to have protected you from the cruelties there. But it wasn’t enough. ”
I didn’t realize Julian was crying, but when I leaned forward to capture his lips again, his tears pooling onto my face. Our grief combining in this moment.
Two sides of the same coin.
Two broken people.
But I was lucky, and I knew it. Privileged to have not felt the depths of loneliness…at least not in the Facility.
But after?
It was all that I knew. Alone in a world that thought I was dead, with nothing left for me.
Not even my sense of self.
My lips moved against his as I flattened myself to Julian, my breasts pushing into his solid chest.
I hissed in surprise as my nipples brushed against…metal? But then his grip on my hips tightened, a low groan filling the space as his cock hardened under me and effectively stole my attention.
This encounter started with a spark, but it was developing into a deeper, more unsettling and terrifying emotion.
Love.
And I let it. Levi and Jayce proved to me that I could be loved, and I wanted to show Julian that now.
Releasing his lips, I peppered kisses across his face, covering him with the love he deserved.
“You are Julian. A kind sweet man who was left with no choice but to survive. And you did so for me. And I love you for that. I love you for who you are.” Kiss.
Kiss. Kiss. “For persevering even when I know you went through the darkest hours.” Kiss.
Kiss. Kiss. “For being my best friend through everything. For surviving.” The saltiness of his tears coated my lips as he fell apart below me, but I licked them away.
“I want you, Julian. Desperately. Please?”
“Raven.” My name was a plea on his lips. A begging demand.
One that I planned on answering.
I did not expect Julian to go through all that he had and to still be this gentle. But he was. His soft hold on me, not pressuring or pushing even as I rolled my hips over his hard length. He didn’t plan on taking anything from me.
An appreciative moan left me. “Julian.” Examining him, I scrutinized his face carefully. I had to confirm that he wanted this. That he needed this as much as I did.
Satisfied, I reached down, pushing off the borrowed pants, kicking them onto the floor.
The ship must have hit a steep wave because we rocked as I did so, and I lost my balance. But Julian held tight to me, keeping me in place. His fingers dug into my skin and I let out an unexpected gasp.
He released me in shock. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
My knees dug into the bed as I found my equilibrium over him and leaned forward. “You didn’t, Julie. You have never hurt me.”
His hands magnetized to me again, this time landing on the hem of my shirt, rough fingertips rubbing under the fabric.
My breath caught in my throat. “Take it off. Please.”
The request appeared to shock him, and he froze for a singular instance before doing as I obliged. In the ethereal glow, I was able to watch as he took me in. As his eyes lit in desire, his mouth opened and his eyebrows lifted.
I was able to see when he found the scars. The ones hidden beneath my clothes. Each a memory I never wanted to fall into again. A nightmare that would wake me in the middle of the night.
“Julian, you next,” I pressed, distracting him.
The words seemed to shake him from his shock and he reached down, rolling out of his pants, his hard cock bobbing up into my sensitive skin.
A hiss escaped my lips as it provided some of the friction I craved. I didn’t wait for him, tugging his shirt up and over, forcing him to lean into me and then I threw it as far as I could for good measure.
I froze, staring down at him. The scars I had expected…
All of the piercings that had previously adorned his face were still missing, but these weren’t.
“You pierced your nipples?” The metal rings reflected, catching my attention, and I used my hand to touch one.
Julian drew in a sharp intake of breath, his muscles rippling. “Yes.”
Gently, I played with it, my finger tracing the circle, offering it a soft flick.
“Fuck!” One of his hands buried in the sheets, the other landing on my cunt, cupping it.
“I see.” My lips twitched in satisfaction at his reaction. Continuing to tease him, I watched in fascination as he came undone. As his cock jerked under me, as his fingers explored on their own.
He unexpectedly pinched down on my clit and I let out a moan at the sensation.
“Raven, please, bunny. You’re going to make me embarrass myself.”
But I was in no rush. Julian was a man who had made home in my heart long before I realized he was there. He had kept it warm and protected without ever expecting anything in return.
“You have been selfless for all this time,” I whispered the words into his neck, nuzzling my nose against it. “I want you to be selfish, Julian. What do you want?”
“I don’t deserve anything, Raven. Just being here, with you. Alive. It is more than I had ever hoped to wish for.” He panted, his hips rolling on their own as I flicked his nipple ring again.
“That’s not a good answer. What do you want, Julian? What did you do this all for? For yourself?” I asked gently, rocking myself along his hardened cock.
“Raven, please. I can’t answer that, I—"
Growling, I burrowed into the crook of his neck, sucking and lapping at it. I knew it would leave a mark, but I didn’t care. He squirmed underneath me, a low groan vibrating from his chest.
“For you. For myself. It was selfish. I hoped that one day I would find you, and I could tell you I did everything for you. That it would save my soul from all the wrongs I committed if it meant it was for you—”
I had heard enough. Using my free hand, I aligned his cock at just the right spot and fell all the way down onto it. Taking him in one go, allowing him to stretch me past the point of comfort.
This wasn’t for me.
It was and it wasn’t.
“You are forgiven, Julian.” I offered kisses on the neck I had just hurt. “You are loved.” I undulated into him, finding a rhythm. “You are safe with me.”
“Fu—ck!” The word was broken.
I didn’t expect him to roll us. In a single instance, it was as if a switch had flipped. His eyes swirled chaotically as he landed on top of me. As I took the brunt of his weight. As he pumped into me fast and fiercely. As his tears dripped onto me.
The warm drops fell sporadically.
“I don’t deserve you. But I will be selfish and take what you give me.” He leaned over and captured my lips, offering slow long snaps of his hips as his tears mixed into my mouth.
As he forced me to consume his suffering. I took it willingly. I couldn’t begin to fathom the agony he had endured.
He deepened the kiss, his hand reaching between us and finding my clit as he continued to pump into me. Julian encompassed each and every one of my senses. It was too much. Too little.
Over five years in a lonely dark room and now the door was opening and it was filling with everything which had been held at bay. A thousand emotions bogging us down all at once. I didn’t realize I was crying until he released my lips.
“You’re beautiful, Raven. But more than that, you are hope. One which I will hold onto for as long as you will allow me.” And then he began offering long hard thrusts into me, his hand pinching and playing with my clit.
I did not expect for it to be my undoing.
But it all overpowered me at once; my emotions and being flowed out of me in an ethereal way as my pleasure took hold and stomped down everything else.
“Julian,” I gasped.
He captured my lips again as he slammed all the way in and froze inside, his cock jerking as he filled me.
“Thank you,” he murmured when our breathing had slowed. “For forgiving me. I didn’t realize how much I needed that.” He readjusted, rolling until he was hugging me from behind.
We were sticky, sweaty, but I didn’t care.
Wrapped in Julian’s embrace, I felt another piece of my soul begin to heal. He would be another support by my side as we navigated this new country. Its rules. And I knew without a doubt he would do everything to keep me safe.
Except it was that thought that worried me the most.