13. Egypt
EGYPT
I was in the Aaliyah booth at the studio, headphones over my ears, trying to push through this recording session. My voice was steady, but my stomach had been flipping all morning. Still, I forced myself to deliver the hook of this new record, one I’d just written with Averi:
Don’t take your hands off me, no
Grip tight like you never gon’ go
You read my body like your favorite song
Feelin’ like heaven but it’s all so wrong
Baby, don’t take your hands off me…
I hit the last note, ripped off the headphones, and bolted. The door barely shut behind me before I was on my knees in the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet. My whole body trembled and sweat collected at the back of my neck. The door creaked, and Averi peeked her head in.
“Egypt? You good?”
I wiped my mouth, nodding. “Yeah, just… think I ate something bad. I’ll be alright.”
“You sure? You look pale. And you’ve been off for days.”
“I’ll be fine. I just need to go home.”
Averi watched me too close, her eyes sharp. “You think you could be pregnant?”
I blinked. “What? No. I’m on birth control.”
“Okay, but you told me you missed a few days, didn’t you?”
“Yeah. But I caught up. I talked to my doctor, and she said as long as I caught up and resumed my normal dosage, I should be fine. Plus, I got my period I was cramping and everything.”
“Still, that don’t mean anything. Some women bleed while pregnant. You’ve been nauseous, boobs sore, mood swings like hell—Terri told me she was on the verge of cussin’ yo ass out the other day.”
I said nothing. I didn’t want to feed the panic rising in my chest. When I left the studio, I told my driver to stop at Walgreens. I threw on a hoodie, sunglasses, a mask—looking like a damn ghost of myself as I grabbed three different pregnancy tests. The cashier didn’t even blink.
When I got home, I poured myself a glass of water with shaking hands and locked myself in the bathroom.
Cup…Pee… Dip… Wait. Three minutes later, all three sticks glowed with two pink lines.
I dropped down on the edge of the tub, clutching the countertop like it would save me. Pregnant? I was pregnant.
I didn’t know what to feel. Joy? Terror?
This was supposed to be beautiful—hell, I’d always wanted to be a mom—but this timing?
My music career was finally blooming, and me and Nas were still learning how to breathe in this relationship.
We hadn’t even talked about a future. We were barely talking about now.
Still… if I was gonna have a baby with anybody, it might as well be the man I couldn’t stop falling for.
He was good with our nieces and nephews—Serenity and Ari’s kids.
He was patient, loving and protective. Finally, I made up my mind—I was keeping it; just needed to tell him to make sure we were on the same page.
I knew we would be, but still, you never know.
I cooked that night. Pasta carbonara, garlic bread, Caesar salad. I even lit a candle. I wanted it to feel warm when I told him. He showed up a little after eight, and I opened the door, forcing a smile even though my stomach was back to doing somersaults.
“Damn, somethin’ smell good,” he said, leaning in to kiss my lips.
“You hungry?” I asked closing the door behind him. He threw his keys on the table by my front door.
“I’m starvin. I been dealin’ with Nate’s bullshit all day. Nigga stay doin’ the most.”
I handed him a glass of Hennessy. He took it gratefully, and when he asked where mine was, I just said, “I’m not drinking tonight.” He raised a brow but didn’t press it.
Dinner was quiet. Too quiet. My heart pounded louder than our utensils clinking on the plates. After a few bites, I put my fork down.
“Nasseem… I gotta tell you something.”
He looked up from his plate. “What’s wrong baby? You good?” I nodded. Then shook my head. My throat seemed to close, not wanting to get the words out that I needed to say.
“Egypt, what’s wrong?”
“I been sick.” I told him and he looked concerned.
“Sick how?”
“I just been feeling off. I thought I had food poisoning or something; I had to leave my studio session early because of it. But then I realized, the symptoms I had were specific.”
“Okay, what’s up. Are you dying or some shit.”
“No, Nasseem. I’m not dying.” I sighed and closed my eyes saying a small prayer. “I’m pregnant.”
His face went blank. I searched it for a sign—anything. Relief, excitement, maybe even joy. But in the end, all I saw was disappointment.
He put his fork down, leaned back in the chair, and exhaled hard. “How the fuck did this happen E?”
I blinked. “How? We’ve been fucking, Nasseem. A lot, regularly.”
“I thought you was on birth control.”
“I am. I mean—I missed a few pills but picked them back up.”
He sat up. “You was missin’ pills and didn’t tell me?”
“I didn’t think it mattered! I talked to my doctor, and she said that?—”
“So, you just... what? Decided for both of us? You know I got shit goin’ on. Why would you do this now?”
My jaw dropped. “You think I planned this?!”
“I don’t know, E. Shit look real convenient.”
I stood up so fast my chair scraped across the floor. “Nigga, are you accusing me of trying to trap you?”
He stood too. “I’m just sayin’, you didn’t say nothin’. You ain’t think to tell me you wasn’t takin’ yo fuckin’ pills? That’s reckless as hell!”
I laughed bitterly. “You reckless too, Nas. You wasn’t askin’ questions when you was nutting in me like it was your goddamn job.” His jaw ticked. “You think I need your money? Your name?” I asked, voice shaking now. “I got my own damn money. My own name. I don’t need shit from you.”
He looked away. “I’m not ready for no kid right now.”
“So, what are you saying?”
“You need to get rid of it.”
A silence resounded through my home, so thick I could cut it with a knife. My ears rang and my brain went into overdrive trying to comprehend where the fuck this went left. Just a few weeks ago he was telling me he loved me, now I was being accused of trapping him.
“You want me to get an abortion?” I whispered.
He nodded. “Yeah. I do.” I slapped him, hard as fuck. So hard, I felt the sting in the palm of my hand. His head snapped to the side, and my own tears spilled over as I backed away, hands shaking.
“You lied to me. You don’t love me,” I said, voice breaking. “You can’t. If you did, you wouldn’t be standing here talking to me like this.”
“You think love fix everything?” he shot back. “This ain’t about love. This about reality. About not fuckin’ up both our lives for a baby we ain’t ready for.”
“We?” I hissed. “Don’t say ‘we’ when you mean you . I’m a big girl, a grown woman. I would’ve figured it out. I would’ve made it work. But you?—”
“I ain’t built for that shit, E.”
“Then get the fuck out.”
He shook his head. “If you keep it, we done.”
I stepped toward him, fire burning in my chest. “Nasseem I put this on everything I love. I’m getting the abortion, and we’re still fuckin’ done.
Do you understand, I never wanna see yo fuckin’ face again.
How dare you sit here and accuse me of trappin’ you.
You asked for this relationship, not me.
I was cool where we was, but you pushed for this.
You made me love you and this is the thanks I get for it.
You a bitch ass nigga and there ain’t shit you can say to me ever again. ”
He looked stunned. Then he laughed bitterly and grabbed his keys off the counter. “Whatever, I’m out.” He walked out without another word.
I dropped to the floor the second the door shut. My body shook with sobs, and I curled into myself, clutching my stomach like it could hold me together. But it didn’t. Nothing could.
I hadn’t said a word the entire ride. Averi kept glancing over at me from under the brim of her black cap, her brown eyes soft with worry behind her oversized shades.
We were both dressed down, all black everything, hoodies and sweats like we were trying to disappear in plain sight.
Because, well… we were. No one needed to know where I was going. Not the blogs and not the fans.
Before the fight I had with Nasseem only three days ago, I was sure I wanted to keep this baby; but after, all I could think about was the rejection.
How I didn’t want to raise my child with a man who didn’t want it.
I would never put myself through that, let alone a baby.
So, I had my assistant make me an appointment to end it.
It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made.
I believed in a woman’s right to choose, but I never personally thought I would be going to an abortion clinic, not when all my life I had wanted a baby.
When we pulled up to the clinic, I could feel my heart rattling around in my chest. Every cell in my body was screaming, but my feet still moved.
They took one look at us and didn’t even make us wait in the lobby.
A nurse immediately escorted us into a private room, the door shutting with a soft but final click behind us.
It was cold and sterile. The kind of cold that seeped through your clothes and made a home in your bones. I sat on the little padded chair across from the exam table, elbows on my knees, fingers laced tightly like I was praying without even realizing it.
Averi sat across from me, arms folded, her knee bouncing. “You good?”
I nodded slowly, then shook my head. “No. Not really.”
She blew out a long breath and leaned forward. “Egypt, I know you don’t wanna talk about it, but... does he even know?”
I hesitated. My mouth opened, then closed. I didn’t want to lie, but I also wasn’t ready to say it out loud. Not yet. “Yes,” I whispered. “He knows.”
Averi frowned. “Okay well, what happened?” I didn’t respond, didn’t have the words to. Saying it out loud made it real and deep down, I was still protecting him. “Okay, what happened? Does he not want it? Why aren’t you saying what happened?”
“Because if y’all knew what he said to me… y’all would never look at him the same,” I said quietly, voice cracking. I swallowed hard and wiped at my eyes even though no tears had fallen yet. “And for better or worse, he needs this family. Us. Y’all. I can’t take that from him.”
“Egypt…” she started, shaking her head. “You’re not protecting him, you’re carrying him. Why is it always you sacrificing for everybody else?”
“Because that’s what I’ve always done.”
“Well, maybe it’s time you stop,” she said firmly. “You’re sitting here about to do something permanent. Something life changing. And you’re doing it for a man who told you he didn’t want it. But I know you do. I know you.”
I looked down at my hands in my lap. “I thought I was ready to do it. To just… end it before it became real. But the closer we got here, the more it started to feel like I was walking into a funeral.”
Averi’s eyes softened. “Then don’t go through with it. You don’t have to. The baby will be loved, Egypt. By all of us. Especially me, you know I got you.”
My heart cracked all the way open then. Because I did know.
I knew she had me. I knew Serenity did. Arielle.
Even Creed and Royal and Brodie. Even if Nas didn’t want this baby…
this baby would never lack love. That was what I cherished the most about my friendship with these people and I thanked God every day for allowing me to be in New York at the right time because had I stayed in Memphis, I wouldn’t have a family, I wouldn’t have them.
“I always wanted to be a mom,” I said, voice barely above a whisper. “I used to dream about it. Me and my baby in a kitchen, music playing, food on the stove. Laughter. Peace. I didn’t get that but for a short time with my mama and I wanted to feel that again with my own baby.”
“Then why are we here?” she asked, her voice gentle.
“Because I thought maybe this wasn’t the right time. That I needed to get rid of it so I could keep everything else afloat,” I admitted. “But I realized that nothing else matters if I don’t have peace.”
“And does this baby feel like peace?”
I didn’t answer with words. I just stood up, grabbed my purse, and walked to the door. The nurse standing outside looked surprised when I opened it. “I’m not going through with it,” I said.
She blinked. “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.”
We left in silence. As soon as the elevator doors closed, I finally exhaled. And the tears came. I didn’t cry loud. Didn’t break down. But the tears wouldn’t stop falling.
Averi looped her arm through mine. “So, what now?”
“I’m having a baby.” I tried to smile through my tears, but it barely touched my eyes.
Because the truth of the matter was, I was going to do this alone.
I felt stupid as fuck for believing Nasseem was going to be different, for believing that he loved me just because I loved him. I just felt so damn stupid.
“Stop crying Egypt. We got this, you hear me? When you’re ready we can loop in Serenity and Ari and we’ll make a plan; we’ll all figure this out. You will not be alone.”
“I need a break,” I said quietly. “From everything. From LA, from stress and from... him.”
“Where are we going?”
“Home, to Memphis.”
She nodded. “For how long?”
“A few weeks. Just enough to be around my Nana and get my mind right. I can record while I’m there, lay low.”
“E…” she said gently, “I’m coming with you, of course. But you can’t keep running from that man. Even if he doesn’t want the baby, you have to tell him you’re keeping it.”
“I’m not running,” I lied. “I just need space. And I’ll tell him when I’m ready.”
“You’re lying,” she said, squeezing my arm. “But I’ll let you cook.”
I didn’t respond. I just stared out the tinted window of the car as we pulled away from the clinic. I had made up my mind. I was keeping my baby. I was going to Memphis. I was going to figure it out—without Nasseem if I had to. Because I’d rather raise a baby in peace than build a life in pieces.