44. Emily
I sit in my window watching Rhys and Liam instruct the rest of the men and give out orders. Declan and Paige left for Ireland this morning to officially introduce her to my ma after he proposed a few days. They had asked if I wanted to go with but just the thought of being in Ireland again terrifies me.
My ma lives too close to where they have the Farmers’ Market and there is no possible way I could be anywhere near that place. I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit Ireland again.
My phone vibrates on the nightstand. It’s ma again. She hasn’t stopped sending me messages after I acknowledged one about Paige.
Ma:
I wish you were coming with them.
My vision blurs the moment I read the words. “Fuck,” I mutter, tossing the phone onto the bed.
I run my fingers through my hair and grip tightly at the root.
I know I can’t keep ignoring her but hearing her voice sends me back to when I was taken. Back to the last conversation I had on the phone with her.
When she was here after I was first rescued, I was okay. Granted I was probably in more shock than anything. But… I was still okay with being around her at the time.
Now? Now just hearing her voice sends me spiraling.
It’s killing me slowly. My ma has been my best friend. I’ve always been able to confide in her and it’s breaking me that I can’t do that now.
I pick up my phone and start typing out my reply.
Me:
Me too.
Delete.
Me:
I can’t right now, ma.
Delete.
Me:
I’m sorry.
Delete.
“Fuck!” I scream and throw the phone across the room. It shatters against the wall.
Liam steps before it lands on the ground.
“What’s going on?” he asks, voice full of concern. His head whips around, landing on my phone.
His eyes come to mine, which burn as the tears begin to flow. He strides over and wraps me in his arms. He strokes my back, pressing his cheek against my head.
Liam doesn’t ask for an explanation. He doesn’t push for me to talk. He simply holds me tightly and continues to stroke my back.
“Tell me what you need.” He whispers.
“I don’t know…” I mumble. “I don’t know what I need Liam.”
His heart thumps against my ear in a steady rhythm. It’s comforting. His chest rises and falls with each of his breaths.
We sit in comfortable silence for what seems like hours. His presence warms me. My tears stain his shirt, but he doesn’t seem to mind. His arms never let go.
“I feel so lost sometimes,” I whisper.
“I know, baby… I know.”
After a while of sitting wrapped in each other, Liam shifts so we lie down. I settle against his chest, positioned right about his heart. At some point his breaths slow and I know he’s fallen asleep.
I stare blankly at the photo on my nightstand. It’s of me, Ma, and Declan in Ireland. I was about ten years old. My smile and eyes are bright. I look happy.
Slowly, I untangle myself from Liam’s arms and climb out of bed. I look down at his sleeping face. The stress that he holds is gone, softening his features. His mouth is slightly ajar, faint snores fall from his lips.
Standing, I head to the ensuite and search my drawer for the razor I hid.
Once I find it, I bring my eyes to the mirror and startle. Liam is standing in the doorway watching me. Wordlessly, he removes his shirt and strides closer.
His hands wrap around my waist, and he turns me to face him.
He keeps his eyes on mine as he wraps his fingers around my wrist. His tender gaze remains on mine as he presses the razor against his chest.
My heart is beating erratically, my breaths are shallow.
His lips lift and a gentle smile forms on his face. He gives me a subtle nod and my eyes drop from him to our hands. I close my eyes for a moment.
Opening them, I release a breath and then press the blade into his skin.
I watch as the blood pools before flowing down his chest. It travels down the mountains and valleys of his muscled body.
Tears well in my eyes. The emotional turmoil in my body slowly releases its grasp on me. My gaze lifts to Liam once more. He’s still staring at me through tender eyes. The first tear falls, and he watches as it slides down my face.
“I love you, Féileacán.” His voice is soft and sincere. My lip quivers and I release the blade. It clatters to the floor. I bring my trembling hand up to his chest and gently touch the wound I’ve created.
He doesn’t flinch or remove his stare from my face.
“I will always bleed for you, Emily. I will always take your pain.”
My face contorts and release a choked sob. I press myself into his chest, his arms wrap tightly around me, and he kisses the top of my head.
“I don’t want to hurt anymore, Liam. I – I just want to be happy again.”
“You will be. It might take some time, but you will be.”
The following morning, Liam and I lie on a throw blanket in the garden. It’s warmer today than it has been in a few days, so I’m wearing a pale blue sundress with white flowers.
Liam is wearing his usual, only this time, it’s a black tee and not a white one. It still molds over his broad chest and muscular arms like it was made to his exact measurements.
And those cargo pants? Oof.
Liam traces circles on the exposed skin on my upper back. His calluses cause goosebumps to rise over my skin and he hums.
I’m not sure how long we’ve been out here but I don’t want to leave. This space is becoming ours again and I don’t want to lose that. I won’t survive it.
“Em?” turning, I set my cheek on my crossed arms and face Liam.
“Hm?”
“Are you ready to talk about last night?” His eyes slowly roam over my face.
I turn over onto my back and let out a long sigh. I silently watch the clouds float by as I try to think of the right words. The gentle breeze causes a loose strand of my hair to cross over my cheek. Liam reaches over and uses his fingers to move it away.
“I can’t talk with ma.” I whisper. My brows pinch.
Liam remains silent, allowing me to continue at my own pace.
“Hearing her voice…” I clear my throat and lick my lips. “Hearing her voice sends me back to when Vladimir’s men took me.”
I see him nod in my peripheral.
“My ma was the last person I spoke to before they pushed me into the van and drove away.” Liam scoots closer, his hand brushes mine before he curls his pinky with mine.
“You don’t need to explain anymore, mo ghrá. ” He kisses my shoulder.
“I know. I just feel guilty about avoiding her. I feel guilty that the voice that once gave me so much comfort now brings me so much pain.” I turn over to my side to face Liam, tucking my arm under my head. Our noses are nearly touching.
“She’s my ma, Liam,” I say in a shaky voice.
His eyes are warm and understanding. “There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from someone or something that hurts you. Emily. Just give yourself time. She’ll understand.”
I know she will… and that’s one of the reasons why it hurts. Because she’ll understand my reasoning and she’ll forgive me without a second thought. I know it doesn’t make any sense. A lot of things in my life don’t seem to make much sense right now.
But having her understand why I need to separate myself from her hurts almost as much as her not understanding.
My ma is still grieving from the loss of my da, and now she has to deal with me pushing her away so I can heal.
We continue to lie facing each other, nose to nose. Our breaths are intertwined. Liam brushes the tip of my nose with his before angling his head and gently pressing his lips to mine.