CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Cassie
Non-stop buzzing wakes me up. I try to ignore it.
It must be the middle of the night. I crack one eye and groan.
Goddamn Not Angels and sangria. My head feels like it’s spinning and my body aches all over.
Still, the buzzing continues, and my phone is just out of reach.
Sun streams through the windows and blinds me as I half roll to the other side of the bed to reach for whoever is rudely waking me up.
When I get to said side of the bed there is a huge glass of water, an electrolyte drink and Advil sitting there for me.
Thank the fucking Lord. I pop the pills, suck back the water and turn my phone on do not disturb before drifting back to sleep.
When someone knocking on my cabin door wakes me a bit later, I glance at the clock. Almost ten a.m., and thanks to the pain pills I actually feel like a human being. And now I’m hungry.
I sit up—reminding myself that murdering whoever is on the other side of that door is not an option—before wrapping my fluffy robe around my body and popping my warm slippers onto my feet.
The moment I reach my living room, I notice the folded blanket on the sofa. All the memories from last night come rushing back and mortification washes over me when I recall being pretty much naked in front of Haden and throwing myself at him. Bad, bad Cassie.
I make my way to the front of the house and pray it isn’t him at the door. I swing it open and brace myself for what awaits. Mercifully, it’s Ivy and Billi on the other side. And my sister is looking mighty smug.
Even in this depleted state, when Billi smiles and reaches her chubby arms to me, I pull her in for a cuddle. At six months old, she’s the cutest little black-haired, blue-eyed baby I’ve ever seen.
“Hmmm, Auntie Cass looks like death, doesn’t she, baby?” Ivy muses as I prop Billi on my hip and kiss her head. She smells like heaven.
“You sure you’re able to operate a child right now?” she asks.
“Only this one,” I say as Billi pats my face. I nuzzle into her neck and sing to her that she’s my sunshine as she giggles.
“So …” Ivy starts. Here it comes. “I’m here to drop you off some batteries, some candles, and I had Wade leave more wood out back. Laurel Creek is gonna get some snow here while we’re in Florida, and the ranch has been known to lose power when the weather gets rough. You need to be ready is all.”
I know she and Wade—as well as my mama, Jo and Dean—are all heading to Tampa for later today for Angel’s Wings’s prep race. I nod, wondering what this ranch will feel like with all of them gone.
“Also, I ran into Haden this morning,” Ivy continues. “He said he was at the Horse and Barrel last night with Cole. Said he ended up bringing you home. He figured you’d need some food, so he packed you a plate. I was coming round to bring it to you. Fresh from Jo’s kitchen up at the big house.”
She sets a foil-covered plate down on the counter and I just know whatever is under that is gonna be delicious. I almost start to cry with the gesture.
“I was also gonna make you some coffee but it looks like you already did that.” I did? I glance at the huge percolator coffee pot, which isn’t mine. Did he bring that from his house?
“You had no idea this coffee was made, did you?” Ivy snickers as she comes to take Billi from me.
“Apparently your mama is a detective,” I say to my baby niece as I hand her back.
“So … Haden?”
I don’t reply for a moment as I grab a mug and pour myself some coffee. I think today it would serve me better to inject it right into my veins.
“Don’t get your panties in a twist. Nothing happened. He just brought me home.”
“And made you coffee this morning?”
I turn to face her with both hands on the mug before taking a big sip.
“He slept on my sofa. He thought I’d end up in the creek if he left.”
“You might of. Remember when I had to pick you up from the barn party at Steph Branson’s in high school?
” Ivy tips her head back and laughs. I wince.
The sound is still too loud for me. “You decided skinny-dipping in the pond behind her house was a good idea.” Ivy looks around. “What is that damn buzzing sound?”
“My phone. It wasn’t you texting me earlier?” I ask her as I move to the back of the house.
“No,” she says. I groan and start down the hall.
It’s obvious when I reach my room and pick it up that it’s Dax.
He’s sent me ten text messages and there are two missed calls.
I skim-read the texts. Apparently he would rather see me working on sharing my healing journey on social media than partying at some bar in Kentucky.
Obviously, someone recognized me and recorded me because he’s also sent me three clips.
There is nothing sinister about them—just two of me and the girls dancing, and one of me leaving with all of them as a group.
It’s the Lord’s Day in Laurel Creek, Dax. Leave me alone. This town rests on Mondays.
And I didn’t do anything stupid last night. I was just having fun.
A memory of me telling Haden he was good at eating my pussy flashes through my mind. At least, I didn’t do anything stupid at the bar.
DAX
Who is this cowboy you left with?
A friend.
DAX
Cassie, you’re supposed to be getting your head right. Not getting under some local hillbilly for the world to see.
Boundaries, Dax. And you just crossed them. We’re done talking.
And he’s not a hillbilly.
I close the conversation with Dax and pull up the message thread with Haden instead.
I forgot to tell you that I have a twin sister.
Apparently last night she showed up at the Horse and Barrel, got really drunk and threw herself at some cowboy when she didn’t mean it.
I wait for a few minutes on the edge of my bed but Haden doesn’t reply.
“Am I here to visit myself?” Ivy calls down the hall. I stand and make my way back out to her.
“Sorry, he’s driving me crazy.” I tell her about Dax.
“Knock knock.” My mama pokes her head around the door with a smile on her face as I start wolfing down the delicious food from Jo’s kitchen.
“I brought you carrot cake,” she says, and my heart swells in my chest. My mama’s carrot cake is something I haven’t had in years.
I don’t know if its being hungover or just the vision of my mother—healthy and caring in front of me—but I stand up and throw my arms around her.
“What’s all this?” It’s just carrot cake.” She laughs, softly hugging me back.
“I just love you, Mama. I’m so proud of you,” I tell her.
“Aww, honey. I love you too. Hell, if this is the reaction I get, I’m gonna bring cake more often.
” I squeeze her hand. I feel so full of emotion and, for the first time since I got here, I’m really looking forward to my session with Dr. Payler today and unpacking the last twenty-four hours with her.
“So what happened last night?” Ivy asks.
I shrug as I help Billi with a little musical ball Ivy brought in her bag, pressing the buttons to make different notes for her.
“What happened was I went out and had fun and then Haden drove me home. He was there with Cole.”
“Mmhmm,” Ivy muses. She is living her best life right now, letting me entertain Billi while she wraps herself in a blanket and feasts on my mother’s carrot cake.
“He’s a good kid. Handsome too,” my mama adds.
“Is he now?” I ask cheekily. “Listen, you two little matchmakers. I live on the road most of the time. I don’t have time for romance.”
My mother reaches over and places her hand on my knee.
“Even singers need their person, Cass. Look at Faith Hill. She landed that Tim McGraw and still kept singing.”
I laugh at her comparing me to the queen herself. “I’ll keep that in mind, Mama.”
Ivy stands and heads into the kitchen. “I’m having another piece. No shame.”
“Get me one too?” I say. No shame sounds incredible. Living without someone constantly critiquing my weight or my image feels pretty damn good, so when I bite into the cake, I could cry.
“You okay?” Ivy asks with a concerned tone when she sees my expression.
“I’ve just really missed cake.” I laugh. Ivy and my mama laugh with me.
I play with Billi and chat for over an hour before Ivy has to leave to meet Wade and Rowan, and Mama heads out to meet Jo.
Once they’re gone, I get dressed and wash my face, wishing I could wash last night’s humiliation off me at the same time. But I can’t. So, instead, I grab my laptop and video-call Dr. Payler.
“You seem like you had fun. Following those key instincts is exactly what you need to do going forward, Cassie.”
“Even when I make a fool of myself?” I ask her through my computer screen. I still haven’t had a response from Haden since my message this morning.
“What do you mean?” she asks. I fill her in, the entire nitty-gritty, because as she told me in the beginning this doesn’t work if I’m not completely honest. And after a few meetings I already know she’s a safe space.
“You’re a human being, Cassie. You’re bound to make mistakes. Growing through your anxieties is all about learning to accept your imperfections. Learning to accept that you can’t control everything around you and that’s okay …”
Dr. Payler and I continue our session before we eventually finish up and I attempt to keep myself busy. I text Ginger about the visit to her school we talked about, before taking out my notebook and listing all the reasons I fell in love with music.
I look down at the paper when I’m done and my heart heaves in my chest.
I loved swinging on our tree swing, singing the songs of Carrie Underwood and LeAnn Rimes.
My feet were bare, my knees were dirty, but I knew I was safe.
I would hear my father working in the yard around me, my mother humming in the house while she baked.
I’d play under that tree with Ivy, digging for bugs, looking out over the shallow creek in our yard.
Those were the happiest days of my life.
I loved learning new songs to play to my parents.
I used to put on shows for them. Ivy would write the details on the chalkboard while I made tickets out of paper, stuffing them in envelopes and delivering them to my mom and dad and Ivy.
“6 o’clock tonight: Cassie Spencer’s new hit.
” And every time, my parents would be there, tickets in hand, and I would sing for them.
They never tired of it. No. They’d always clap and tell me I was going to be a star.
Every time I write a song that means something to me and people enjoy it, it reminds me of where it all began. Of that feeling of peace. That feeling of safety.
I swipe a tear away as the realization hits me. Writing and playing music represents everything I loved about my childhood, and everything I lost forever the day my dad passed away.
I take a long hot shower after my day of writing and digging into my emotions, and try to remember Dr. Payler’s words—that I’m human and I will make mistakes. But the more hours go by with no response from Haden, the more humiliated I feel.
I try to keep busy by spending some time on making a little video for my socials using all the ones Dax sent me this morning. Normally I wouldn’t advertise an invasion of privacy, but I decide getting in front of this, and making it feel normal and real, is the best thing to do.
I pair the video with a good Shania Twain song since we danced to so many of them last night and caption it: “Sometimes the best sort of rest is just dancing with the girls to the girls. Shout out to Shania for keeping me dancing all night while visiting Kentucky!”
I don’t even check in with Dax before I post it. Fuck them all if I can’t just be a person.
Surprisingly, for the rest of the afternoon the responses I get on the video are all positive.
Mostly well-wishes and comments about how cute my outfit is.
Maybe, despite what Dax says about everything having to be polished, throwing something organic into the mix every once in a while isn’t a bad idea after all.
Two hours later, I realize the problem with anxiety is she’s a bitch.
A big, angry colossal bitch who gives no fucks and pops up in the worst way for no reason at all.
Just when you think you have a breakthrough, she rears her ugly head.
So after I don’t hear from Haden, I start second-guessing everything I did and said last night and spend the rest of the afternoon pacing around my cabin.
A million reasons as to why he hasn’t answered my text run through my mind.
But the ones I keep coming back to are: he’s obviously disgusted with me for acting like I’d whore myself out for a ride home last night and he’s asking Wade for me to be moved somewhere else on the property so he doesn’t have to live next door to me.
“Well, fuck, Cass …” I say out loud, doing everything I can to get out of my own head.
I don’t think. I just slip on my boots and coat, grab the keys to Ivy’s truck she’s been letting me borrow and head out to the driveway.
It’s so damn damp and chilly. It definitely feels like snow is coming.
I pull my wool hat down as I get in the truck.
I have no idea where I’m headed but decide maybe a backroad country drive will help calm me.
Maybe I can even find a place to get some chamomile tea into me in Laurel Creek’s picturesque downtown.
I fumble for a few minutes before I start the truck, and I’m pulling up the playlist on my phone for the drive when I hear a cabin door shut through the glass.
I turn and notice Haden in his big flannel coat.
He’s carrying a Yeti cooler in his gloved hand as he makes his way down the front steps of his cabin to his truck.
I check the time. Just after five-thirty.
Same time I’ve noticed him leaving most nights over the last ten days.
Always around dinner and usually not returning until after ten o’clock.
It dawns on me that maybe he goes out to be with a woman, a woman that isn’t an entitled, high-maintenance princess like me.
A pang of jealousy punches me square in the chest. At least, I think it’s jealousy, because I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve felt it.
His truck fires up with a deep rumble and I crouch down so he won’t see me. Like I said, anxiety is a bitch, and when mine flares up I shouldn’t be trusted. Case in point: when I back out of the driveway moments later to follow him.