Chapter 5
FIVE
DAVID
Maybe it was because I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been on a date, and I was so rusty that I ended up not feeling nervous until the last few minutes before Josh was due to arrive.
I’d ended up going shopping last night after I did a cursory glance at my wardrobe and realized that I didn’t have anything that passed as nice enough to be worn anywhere that wasn’t a dog park.
I’d settled on a pair of dark jeans and a new black button-up. Of course I chose black because it went with everything. I’d never been one to dump a ton of hours or money into my clothing. I tended to wear them until they fell apart and then begrudgingly replaced them.
Wally paced the floor, following my footsteps. He’d definitely picked up on my nervous energy.
“Sorry, buddy. I know I’m a mess. You wouldn’t understand, though.
” I wanted Josh to like me. I didn’t care that he was so much younger, and I tried not to care that I was so much older.
Truthfully, I wasn’t sure what he saw in me.
And maybe he didn’t see anything. Maybe we’d go out tonight and realize that any chemistry I thought I felt hadn’t really existed.
At the very least, I hoped to keep him as a friend, if for no other reason than Wally.
And I could use a broader friend circle.
Other than Marshall and Cyrus, who were both busy men, my friends list had whittled down to Jax.
I hadn’t had to be an actual parent to Jax in years, and now he was more like my best friend.
He’d always be my kid, though, and I needed friends I wasn’t related to. Call it social diversity.
“How do I look?” I asked Wally as the time for Josh’s arrival neared.
I’d spent entirely too much time in the mirror getting ready for the date and still I felt woefully unprepared.
There was nothing to be done about my salt and pepper hair, now saltier than last year.
Or the fine lines that marred my face. Getting older was fucking odd.
In my head, I was still twenty-five, but my body was evidence of reality.
A sharp knock on my door snapped me out of my whirlpool of thoughts and with zero chill, I strode over to the door and opened it up. So much for waiting a second or two so I could at least pretend I hadn’t been waiting by the door like some overeager puppy.
“Hey, you came.” I stepped aside so Josh could come in. Nitro danced past him, happy to greet his friend again.
Josh bent down and unclipped the leash from Nitro’s collar. “Of course I came.”
When he straightened up, he eyed me, and he let me see him do it. I watched the way his gaze raked over my body from head to toe and back again. “You look great.”
“So do you.” Josh was wearing a dark red button-up, the sleeves rolled up past his elbows to show off his forearms. Josh was well built, and he clearly spent a lot of time on his body. The reality of that made me feel a little uneasy about my current physical form.
“I think we’re good to go. We can check on them with the pet cam, but they should be fine. And if not, my neighbors can get over it.”
“Or we could just step outside and have a quick chat before we leave, and then we’ll know if they’re going to be okay.”
“Sure.” I patted my pockets to make sure I had my wallet and my keys before I followed Josh out of the house. My home was an older style house, the ones with the cozy, covered front porch, perfect for porch swings, rocking chairs, and drinking coffee while spying on your neighbors.
“Did you want to have a seat?” I asked, curious about what he could want to talk to me about. His mouth was tight and pressed into a flat line, and there was an obvious wariness in his expression. His eyes looked haunted.
Josh shook his head and shoved his hands in his pockets. He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. It looked like he was gearing up to bolt.
“Look, I get it if you changed your mind and if you have, I won’t hold it against you. Maybe we could still get coffee in the dog park sometimes, for their sake.”
Josh looked up, alarm flashing in his eyes. “You don’t want to go out with me?”
“No, I do, but I figured you were about to drop the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line.”
“I wasn’t… not really. But there is something that I want you to know before this goes any further.”
“Okay, well, lay it on me.” Relief swelled up in me that he wasn’t calling off the date before it even got started. I was only marginally worried about what he had to tell me, and because I was shit at guessing games, I tried to keep my internal speculation to myself and just let him speak.
Josh took a deep breath like he was trying to inhale some courage. He rolled his shoulders back and then looked me in the eyes. “It’s always hard for me to decide when to tell someone this, and truthfully, most of the people I see already know it, so I’m out of practice.”
I waited silently, giving him space to collect his thoughts. Whatever he had to tell me was obviously important to him. Whatever he was keeping inside was responsible for the worry lines etched into his expression.
“I’m—” He paused and took a breath. When he spoke again, his voice was steady and firm, like he’d taught himself how to steel his nerves and face challenges head on. “I’m trans.”
I must have looked stupefied or something because Josh narrowed his eyes. “Do you know what that means?” he asked.
“In general, yes. I know there’s different…
” I paused while searching for what I hoped would be a non-offensive thing to say.
“Different flavors of trans people, so I’m not sure what exactly it means for you specifically, but you can share that with me if you’d like.
And for the record, I’d still like to go have dinner with you, if that’s okay. ”
Josh blinked at me. Clearly it was his turn to be bewildered.
“You don’t mind?”
“Should I? I don’t think it has a lot to do with me. You are who you are and right now, you’re the guy I want to take to dinner. And maybe wander an art gallery with. Maybe we’ll get ice cream. Who knows.”
Josh stood there as still as a statue. “That went better than I expected.”
Some of the worry bled out of him and the smile he shot me was bright enough to light up my insides.
“I imagine it’s a bit nerve-wracking to have to tell someone new about yourself.”
“It’s not always so well received.”
“I’m sorry that it’s not, but I understand why you’re surprised.
I’m fifty-two, and that might mean I’m still young in some ways, but I’m still older and I was raised differently than the younger generations.
But I wasn’t straight before I had my son, and I’m still not straight.
I wasn’t always out because I didn’t want to make shit harder for my kid, but then he came out.
And when he did, I wanted to make sure I was a good example for him, so I came out to him shortly after.
” I ran a hand through my hair, probably messing it up.
“Shit, I didn’t mean to make this all about me.
How about we go get that dinner now. The boys seem settled. ”
There hadn’t been a single bark since we stepped outside, in fact. Pulling my phone from my pocket, I brought up the pet camera and showed the screen to Josh. Wally and Nitro were wrestling on the couch, happy as clams.
“Dinner sounds nice,” Josh agreed. “Did you want to ride together?”
“It’s up to you. If you want your own wheels, I can hitch a ride in your car.”
“I mean, my dog is in your house. I’d still have to come back here for him.”
“Yeah, but the bedroom window around the back is easy to open, and you could just hop in and get him real fast.”
Josh tipped his head back and laughed. “Did you just tell me how to break into your house?”
“No, I told you how you could retrieve your property if you decided that you wanted to ditch me early and vanish into thin air.”
Josh motioned to his car. “Get in. You’ll have to tell me where we’re going.”
“Have you heard of The Noodle Nest?” It was a restaurant that had been open for a few years and their affordable pasta dishes made them super popular with the locals.
It was away from the university and closer to the downtown core which gave it a different sort of clientele.
The places near the university tended to be full of younger people.
College-aged people. That’s when it dawned on me that a place with a younger vibe might have been a better idea.
“I love that place. Have you had the Amatriciana? They added it just recently,” Josh asked as we got into the car and strapped ourselves in.
“I haven’t been there in a while.” I’d been there with Jax a few times, but not lately. “Do you go there often?”
“Not as often as I’d like. Honestly, if I had the money, I’d eat there every day. Three times a day.”
“I like it, but maybe not as much as you do. Besides, I like cooking.”
“I like eating.” Josh’s eyes flashed with amusement. “See, we’re a good pair.”
Hearing him say that gave me a stupid flutter of hope in my chest that maybe this could be something real. Something lasting. If I didn’t fuck it up.
“About you being trans…”
Josh sucked in a breath and stiffened, bracing himself for whatever it was that I was about to say.
“You’ll have to tell me if I say or do something that’s stupid or insensitive. I’ll try my best to not fuck up, but I’m human. So if there are things I shouldn’t do or say, things that bother you, I’d like to know ahead of time so I can avoid doing the wrong thing. Or saying the wrong thing.”
Josh took his eyes off the road to glance at me. “How are you even real?”
“Um…”
“I just mean… that’s more consideration than I expected. And that’s on me, actually. I just—the whole gender reveal hasn’t always gone well.”
“Not always an occasion for cake, I take it.”
“Definitely no cake. Okay so, just… I’m a man.
I use male pronouns. I think that’s it for now.
I mean… yeah, you might say something that doesn’t jive with me, but we can just take it as it comes.
” Josh changed lanes, moving to the right so he could take the upcoming turn.
“I’m actually a bit surprised at the lack of questions. People are usually curious.”
“Curious or intrusive?”
“Touché.”
“I figure you’ll tell me what you want to tell me when you want to tell me. And until then, we’ll eat dinner and talk about our dogs an obsessive amount like regular, well-adjusted dog owners.”
Josh reached over and pinched my arm then flashed me a grin. “Just had to check that you were actually real in case I was about to have dinner with a hallucination."
“I’m real.”
Josh looked at me again, and this time I didn’t have quite the easy time of reading his expression.
“I still find that hard to believe. You seem a bit too good to be true.”
“I can always chew with my mouth open, if you need a flaw of some sort.”
Josh shuddered, but his laughter was bright again. “I think I’ll pass, but thanks for the offer.”
I fought the urge to reach across the seat and put my hand on his or on his thigh. Or to touch his hair and see if it was as soft as it looked. “My pleasure,” I said, trying to keep the desire out of my voice, but judging by the way he looked at me, I’d not been successful.