Chapter 23
23
Max
I headed for the staircase, not sure if I was going to my room or hers, not sure of much of anything besides the need to breathe. I held the crumbled picture in my hand, the anger I’d felt since the moment I saw it on the wall building to a stunning crescendo. I knew Fleur was behind me, but I didn’t turn around.
I’d never been out of control before, never felt this way. The fury gathering inside me had started with the picture and grown with every word that had come out of that fight. I needed a moment to get my temper in check. Needed a moment to deal before we talked. She had enough to handle, and I’d figured out that our relationship worked best when I could be calm for her.
But I couldn’t get calm. With each step I took, I just became more pissed off, until I stopped and realized I was standing in front of my room.
Fleur laid her palm on my back, her body brushed against me and my eyes closed.
“Max.”
I shook my head, my voice raw. “I need a minute.”
“I’m sorry.” I could hear the unshed tears and panic in her tone. “I’m so sorry. I know you’re angry with me—”
I whirled around so quickly I collided with her chest. “I need a minute,” I repeated, my teeth clenched.
I wanted to put my fist through the wall. I hated Costa with every fiber of my being, and right now Natasha wasn’t too far behind.
And I was pissed with Fleur. I didn’t do drama, didn’t do secrets. And right now it felt like her entire persona was wrapped up in this shit. Why couldn’t she have just talked to me about this from the beginning?
I gave her my heart, and what did she give me in return? She said she loved me, but what was love without trust?
I turned back, unlocking the room. I didn’t want an audience for this, hated that she’d had an audience earlier in the cafeteria. I hated the way everyone talked about her like she wasn’t even a person, like she was just a freaking drama for them to watch.
Fleur followed me into the room.
I sank down onto the edge of the bed, and she sat down next to me, our knees nearly touching. A minute passed, and then two, before she spoke.
“How much of that did you hear?”
“I walked in when you were going up to her table.”
She swallowed. “Fabulous.” She reached out, touching my hand and the crumpled picture that lay there. Her voice was thick. “I didn’t want you to see it.”
I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to push it out of my mind. I wanted to pretend I hadn’t seen it.
“I hate him,” I admitted, my throat raw as the words scratched their way out.
She nodded. “Sometimes I do, too. Other times it just makes me sad.”
I tried to clear my throat, tried to push the anger away so that the words would leave.
“I didn’t know you guys hooked up after you broke up with him.”
She paled slightly, and her voice became even smaller. “Yeah.”
“For how long?” Knowing that she still had secrets from me, that there were parts of herself she refused to share, hurt more than I’d ever imagined, like someone was peeling layers of my skin from my body.
“Pretty much all sophomore year,” she admitted.
“Why?”
I didn’t think it was possible for her to get any paler, but she did.
“It’s complicated.”
I made a noise of disgust. “You broke up over two years ago. He’s an asshole. He cheated on you. What’s complicated about that? I don’t understand why you would get involved with him again.”
“Because my head was fucked back then,” she burst out, leaping up from the bed to pace the floor in front of me. “Because I made stupid decisions, and I was hurting. I don’t know why I do half the things I do. Sometimes I just feel something and I act on it. Sometimes I don’t think until it’s too late and the damage is already done. I’m trying to be better about it, but I was a mess then.”
“Is he the reason you overdosed?” I asked, hating myself for the question, sick over what her answer would be. We’d danced around all of this, but we hadn’t really talked about it. In the beginning I’d gone along with the idea to take things slowly, agreed that we could get to know each other with time. But I loved her, and if this was going to be something, then I needed to know where it was headed.
As much as I loved her personality, the passion that made her at times dramatic and unpredictable, it also scared me. She danced so close to the edge, and I worried she would fall.
I was so far out of my comfort zone. My past was boring. She was a walking soap opera. I didn’t know how to live in her world, how to play her game. I wanted to learn, but we spoke a different language, and just when I’d thought I understood, I realized how little I knew after all.
She shook her head. “This isn’t about Costa. It’s complicated.”
Frustration bubbled to the surface like a geyser on the brink of explosion.
“You keep saying that, but what does it mean? How is it complicated? Do you still have feelings for him?” It hurt to speak. “Are you still in love with him?”
She pulled back, shock filling her eyes. “No! How can you ask me that? I love you.”
“Then why won’t you talk to me? Why don’t you trust me? What was Natasha talking about when she said you had secrets? What else aren’t you telling me? I listened when you said you didn’t want to talk about your past, but Fleur, it feels like this isn’t just in the past. It’s here between us, and it’s still hurting you.”
“I don’t want it to affect us,” she whispered.
“It already is affecting us,” I answered, suddenly exhausted. It wasn’t even 10 a.m. and I already felt like I’d packed a lifetime of drama into a few short hours.
“We’re amazing together, and I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but I can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me. I don’t want to feel like I’m desperate for you to let me inside.”
She froze.
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
She was silent for an eternity. “You’re not wrong.”
“Then talk to me, Fleur.”
She leaned forward, her head in her hands.
“I can’t. Just give me a little more time. I promise. Let’s talk tonight after your interview. I never wanted any of this to happen today. The last thing you need is to be distracted. I promise you, everything will be okay. I love you. I’m not going anywhere.”
I wanted to be patient for her, wanted to give her space and time. But she was the most stubborn person I’d ever met, and if we didn’t bring it up now, would we just dance around it forever?
I got up from the bed, that same restless feeling coursing through my body. This was the absolute worst time for this. My mind was everywhere but where it should be. And time was running out.
“I have to go. I’m going to be late for my interview.”
She nodded. “I’m so sorry.”
I met her gaze, my voice strained. “We need to talk later.”
“I know,” she answered, getting up from the bed and standing in front of me. “We will. Good luck with the interview.”
I left her in my dorm room as I struggled to clear my head and my heart and prepare for the biggest day of my life.